Who the hell does this to their child?!

[Lismoa]

I'm fuming and just need to vent!

We have been through an awful time with DSC's mum - crazy accusations, extreme parental alienation to the point that they've eventually been removed from her and now live with me and DH.
We wanted to take the DSC on holiday and knew she might try to block it in some way so we got a court order saying we could take them abroad and essentially forcing her permission to get the youngest a passport as he didn't have one. Initially she tried to delay things by repeatedly sending blurry photos of her own passport meaning her passport number was blurred (this was required for the application and the court had ordered she send her passport details) or photos that were so dark you couldn't read it or had the light shining brightly onto the passport number so you couldn't see. However eventually DH asked her for the passport number in person while collecting DSC and she gave him it, I'd guess because DSC were there and she didn't want to appear the bad guy blocking their holiday. The delay meant we had to pay extra to have the passport fast-tracked to make sure we had it in time but that's fine, at least we got it. After this she seemed to be starting to play ball and we thought maybe she was starting to mellow and realise that good relations were in the best interests of the children. She seemed to be being positive about the holiday to the children so we thought we were starting to make steps forward. We were so wrong!

We got away to our destination fine. She sent an unusual text on the first day saying - I'll assume you're all happy then- we thought it was her trying to make a point about DH not having told her we'd arrived (they have bare minimum contact with one another so it wouldn't have occurred to message her, DSC live full time with us and there's no contact between DH and his ex unless necessary). DH just replied saying DSC were very happy and having a great time and that was that.

On coming back into the country we were stopped at border control. She had reported oldest DSC's passport as being stolen. Apparently this was done just prior to our trip but it wasn't checked on the system on the way out the country (just checked visually rather than scanned) so they didn't clock it, nor did the country we were entering as they just did the same. Border control told us that if they had scanned his passport on the way out then he wouldn't have been allowed to leave the country and we couldn't have gone away.
We tried not to let the kids hear anything when the border control guy was telling us what was going on but the oldest kept trying to listen in and picked up on what was happening. His wee face when he realised what was going on and said to me - I know what's happened, my mum reported it as lost. She said the other week that she couldn't find my passport and would need to report it- it actually broke my heart for him. He looked absolutely broken, just devastated as the realisation hit him.
His mum has never had his passport in her possession. She has never taken him away anywhere, DH got DSS his passport after they had split up and has been the only one to ever take him away (which was only once so this holiday was a big deal to him) and has always had the passport.

Five minutes later, after literally saying - I know who it was, my mum did it- (we had been making out like it was a mistake that it had been reported stolen and he was saying - no, mum did it) he then started saying - I wonder who could have reported my passport as being stolen? That's so strange? Who would report a random person's passport as lost or stolen? -
It's obviously his way of dealing with it, by pretending to himself that she didn't do it even when he knows and was the one to say himself it was her. We went along with this, agreeing that it was all really strange and not mentioning his mum despite us all knowing fine well it was her. It feels like we're always doing this. We never say negative things about their mum and it's like we're constantly having to hide her behaviour from DSC to protect them from it so they don't get hurt or affected by it.

But I just can't get over how someone can be so bitter and twisted that they would do this to their own child in an attempt to stop them from having a nice holiday with their dad. It's so fucked up. She was prepared for her children to be all excited for going away, and she was adding to their excitement by being encouraging about the holiday, and then be turned away at the airport. I'm so so glad that the passports weren't scanned on the way out because the kids would have been completely devastated.

What I find hard sometimes though is that the kids will so easily convince themselves that she's an angel. I know it's the right thing for us to cover for her behaviour if it means they're less affected by it. It's to protect them and shield them from it but it's hard when for example even after what happened today they are talking about how they are going to show their mum their holiday photos and teach her the new words they've learned, like she's done nothing, and my mind is just screaming at her. It's better for them to see her that way though, I know, but it's just so frustrating. I felt so much anger towards her today, seeing them sitting there all anxious waiting at border control for ages while it all got sorted (which it thankfully did as DH had brought all the court documents with us just incase although DSS's passport was impounded and we'll likely need to go to court again to get another one).

I hate having such a toxic person in our lives.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I'm just going to stop because you're obviously upset and the more kneejerk you become.

You don't need to be offended. There is nothing offensive about my position at all. I simply queried a few things and you felt that this was unacceptable which is a very typical hostile response for the era we live in. I don't really have time for your 'offense' and as you seem to be getting increasingly riled I'll call it a day with you.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I'm just going to stop because you're obviously upset and the more kneejerk you become.

You don't need to be offended. There is nothing offensive about my position at all. I simply queried a few things and you felt that this was unacceptable which is a very typical hostile response for the era we live in. I don't really have time for your 'offense' and as you seem to be getting increasingly riled I'll call it a day with you.[/quote]
Im not upset, nor am I kneejerk. I've asked you a question which you seemingly cannot answer. How surprising!

There is a lot that is offensive about what you have said, we can all see the several digs you have made.

Imagine that, a typical hostile response to someone basically saying abusing your own kids and blaming it on another woman is okay. How surprising that people might not agree with that.

You might not have time for my "offense" or perhaps it's that you don't like the fact that your opinion is considered offensive, and you can't actually answer any questions regarding it or back it up because it's simply ridiculous. I think it's more that, somehow.

The mother sounds unhinged. I agree this is psychological abuse of her poor children.

@apricotlane

This bothers me because I don't think I could cope if another woman was mothering my child. She sounds awful but I honestly don't know if I could handle it at all as my need to be everything to my child is all-consuming (though I am aware of it and know that there are unhealthy aspects of it). Try a new approach? Working with her? That sounds ridiculous I know, I just hate fragmented family set-ups, they cause so many issues. Is it worth trying something different to what you've been doing so far...

That is the most dense comment that possibly could have been made.

Would you tell a wife of an abusive man who hits her to just try working with him?

Abusers abuse. You are going to end up like the unwanted Mothers & MILs if you don't get ahold of that mindset.

That’s a really nasty and malicious thing to do. Dsc realised it was his dm as he probably heard her make the call/report it, and then backtracked as he didn’t want her to get in trouble.
The passport office will know who reported it, so yes, follow this up with the solicitor.

I don't believe it's healthy for the children for you to pretend that the mother didn't do anything. They know the truth. By you covering it up, you're teaching them her behaviour is acceptable.

I think the real issue is letting them think that it's appropriate for anyone (whether that's a parent, family member, or friend) to disrespect them and treat them badly. That's what causes self esteem issues and poor boundaries in later life.

Loving someone doesn't mean letting you treat you like shit, even if it's your own mother. Toxicity has far reaching consequences, and then a person thinks that anything is acceptable when you love someone.

I'm sorry you all have to deal with her, and wish you the best

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Deep breath and ignore. You're doing great.

OP you have my total sympathies. I'm in a similar situation. We haven't even got to the stage of being able to book a holiday abroad with my DSD because of stunts her mum continually pulls. Imagine hating your ex more than you love your kids. It must be horrible to be her. I hope things are brighter in the future.

What an awful situation. They are lucky to have you in their lives. It sounds like you're dealing with it brilliantly.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro Lol. I never ever said that. You sound unhinged. I have answered questions (that I think are relevant) and politely explained my position. You are projecting because you are reading my responses as 'digs'. That is your issue, not mine.

It may well be that a woman chooses to try and block contact with a new woman if she deems her an inappropriate choice. That scenario also happens. What questions have you really asked other than throwing a paddy with obscure accusations about what you 'think' I'm saying.[/quote]
Your comments have been really offensive. I've had an abusive horrible stepmum as a child. This Op isn't that, nor are the people you are getting angry with. If you'd behave the way this mother has in the OP because you'd be filled with rage and jealously at another female influence in your children's lives then you're calling the wrong person unhinged.

I'm sorry your dh died. You can choose to never get close to another adult again because you need to be everything to your children and can't cope with any other healthy female influence over them, but putting your own mental health on the shoulder of your children is really not ok, stay single forever is a valid choice but you can't make it for someone else or manipulate by emotionally abusing your children.

There will be times in life where your children have close bonds with people who are not you and who have different opinions to you. It's healthy to encourage them to think for themselves.

Do you realise they'll likely have future in-laws, a mil, who will have some influence in their lives and who could have totally opposing views to you, are you gonna try and block that relationship too?

@apricotlane

Glad you can overcome it and make your family-life interchangeable with anyone.

Firstly I'm so sorry you lost your husband as I can't imagine how tough that is and I imagine it makes discussions around family life tough to navigate as they must feel painful and raw. I do appreciate that.

But come on now, the above was a truly nasty and mean spirited little dig to a PP that warrants an apology. Because it was genuinely unpleasant and designed to belittle that poster's efforts to make children feel safe, wanted and comfortable.

Thank you to everyone else who has supported me there @apricotlane I won't reply to your last comment as it should be getting deleted.

However, blocking said new woman is absolutely fine. I have absolutely no interest in communicating with dss mum, in fact, it would be preferable.

What isn't appropriate is using children as weapons, verbally and physically assaulting either new partner or exh, and psychologically abusing your own children because you're not happy you've been "replaced" - which let me tell you, not many of us set out to do. I did not enter into this relationship wanting to mother anyone elses child. I had to do so because of her actions. Have a think about that. Ops situation is similar.

I hope that helps.

Blocking contact of the children is inappropriate and controlling - if that's what you meant.

And I'm so sorry @Lismoa for massively derailing your thread!

apricotlane - for once I am in almost complete agreement with quattro.

I am that mother who had to watch an abolute bitch of a woman do the above and much worse. It has been the single hardest thing I have ever done to allow my DCS a relationship with their Dad whilst he was with her.

The pain was awful.

Luckily their father grew some balls and left the evil cow after elsest recorded on the ipad one of her little tirades.

New SM is lovely but I am still v wary - your comments are over the line

Bloody hell @Finallylostit I never thought I'd see the day in all seriousness I don't think we are worlds apart in our views on a lot of things, probably more the specifics we disagree on.

Will he speak to her about it?

"they may in fact not put up with their partner moving on and you can't always expect that. People are not disposable nor interchangeable and it comes with the territory"

An incredibly controlling position.

@YotkshireLass

Can you report a passport as lost if you don't know the passport number?

From what I remember of my sister having to report a lost passport years ago, yes you can. She didn't know her number (wasn't written down anywhere else) but was able to report it lost and get a fast track replacement herself.

@Greyarea12

It's illegal to report a passport as lost when it's not actually lost so I would contact passport office and report her. Don't let it go because yous will fear this is going to happen on every holiday otherwise.

But very easy to pretend that you thought it was lost, but then 'remembered' where it was or 'found' it afterwards.

Trickier for the Mum to do this, in this situation, as she never had it in the first place but someone who is this vindictive is likely to try and find excuses that could wash with some officials.

Hi op, just wanted to give the perspective of dsc who was I a lifetime ago with my crazy dm. She didn't let me visit my df who was in another city until my teenage years and got quite mad when we went on holiday doing very similar things like hiding a passport. I was so embarrassed when it all came to light that I denied it saying my documents must be lost when I knew full well it must've been her. It was pure embarrassment and wanting to appear to have a normal dm, rather than defending her out of love. I was so angry at her but was trying to minimise the situation as a defense mechanism. Make no mistake your dsc will be aware of what's happening and be badly affected by it. As soon as I hit 18 I left home and minimised contact with dm (she was nuts in many other respects but that's a long story). I have a lovely relation with my df and dsm. They taught me what normal family life looks like. So I guess I'm trying to say, don't be angry at dsc for minimising her actions, there are many complex feelings involved, and you being there for him/her matters a lot.

You’re doing a good job under very difficult circumstances

Interesting perspective - @apricotlane

All stepmothers should be able to cope with the notion that they may not be a welcome prospect to the actual mother. It's hardly a new issue.

---

As a human I expect there to be bad people in this world (because I'm not a fool). I also think that there's a higher bar for mother's behaviours as a society, however I struggle with the concept that a parent would willingly and knowingly do this to their child and this would happen to the frequency and potency here.

But you are right it's not a new issue. The comments on this board whether subtle and unsubtle show that even if on the face of it people say they are ok with their ex moving on to someone new, there's a good chunk of women who are threatened when a SP esp SM comes on the scene.
However this doesn't justify bad behaviour. I accept there are pedos in this world but I don't assume every person I met to have that disposition and would hope it to be the exception not the rule.

but just that people shouldn't expect an easy ride when a child is involved.

I think this is true and untrue. We as humans should expect our fellow humans to act badly (on occasion) however this conflicts with the very nature of being a mother and love. If you love your child you shouldn't ever willingly or purposely hurt your child on any occasion which this mother has.

So suppose the tail end to that statement is (my part underlined)

just that people shouldn't expect an easy ride when a child is involved because not all parents love their children more than they love themselves or self interest.

Another statement comes to mind which is damaged people create damaged people. You can only limit the behaviour if you recognise it and actively work against it - throwing hand up in the air going ahhh well it is what it is, does nothing to change the situation. This perspective the OPs facing will cause damage to the children, but ultimately mum will not be able to control the children because the children become adults therefore the person who will end up alone and hurt is mum