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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:
partypiece · 08/01/2008 00:21

I think trying to make them sound older indicates that the OP knows perfectly well they are too young to be treated like this.

Elizabetth · 08/01/2008 00:21

Sorry Sandcastles, I disagree. Parents are responsible for their children, and that is speaking as someone who did have an evil stepmother, but I don't think my Dad would ever have had the cheek to expect her to look after me or my brother when he wasn't around in order to flex his father muscles. We were his and my mother's responsibility, not hers.

If the children's mother is saying she wants to look after them, if Malloddie is saying she doesn't like the arrangement then why on earth is this guy able to overrule both of them?

Original poster
Malloddie · 08/01/2008 00:23

Catsmother..the goalposts did move after I gave up work..the older children were in an afterschool club until they father picked them up at 4pm (note the earlier time!). It is completely pointless that the older children are here when my DP is not here; they are not entertaining the little ones, but rather whooping and cheering with their friends whilst playing computer games.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:24

See my last post Elizabeth,..there's got to be a reason we don't know about yet!

LittleBella · 08/01/2008 00:25

Mallodie, it's normal for children to whoop and cheer with their friends in their own home.

Elizabetth · 08/01/2008 00:25

I think the reason is that her DP is unreasonable.

ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:26

Malloddie, you are really not helping yourself here...what time do the kids get home on a school day and what time does you dp get home?

Quattrocento · 08/01/2008 00:26

Whooping and cheering?

I thought they were pacing and slamming doors.

What do they eat btw?

LittleBella · 08/01/2008 00:27

I am absolutely sure that her DP is unreasonable.

But that doesn't absolve her of responsibility for actions. She is being unreasonable too.

Original poster
Malloddie · 08/01/2008 00:28

Ok maybe it is but I feel intimidated by the presence of loud 'youths' when my children can't even hear the telly!

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 08/01/2008 00:28

I particularly like the way you've tried so hard to build a relationship with them. Commendable.

Obviously the relationship hasn't yet extended to feeding them, but hey, it's only been three years.

ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:29

so for how long are you talking about and how often?

Original poster
Malloddie · 08/01/2008 00:32

You know Quattrocento...I'm getting the impression that YOU may have been abused yourself as you have never got off my back the whole way through this; maybe you would like to actually open your own thread! I hope you are getting great satisfaction with your comments.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:32

Why can't you say, friends are not allowed until DP gets home as you are responsible for 4 kids

LittleBella · 08/01/2008 00:32

"youths"

Will you feel like that when your children want their youth friends home?

Have you actually ever tried to imagine another woman thinking about your children the way you think about your SKids Mallodie?

I think a big dose of empathy is desperately needed here.

serenity · 08/01/2008 00:33

LOL Quattro, glad someone does

I hang around IKEA all the time, but then again I get paid for doing it.

It is not pointless that the DCs are there. It's their home (part time as it is) They should be with their family, and that's what you're not getting. They are your family. You took up with them when you took up with their Dad. You're their Stepmum, there should be a point in you spending time with them, with or without their Dad present.

sandcastles · 08/01/2008 00:36

So why the title stepmother? It is because you become a 'surrogate' [that's not the right word, can't think at mo] mother once you take on a family.

She KNEW he had kids, she must make him think that the situaton is in some way OK, as he is happy to leave the kids there. Either that or he is such a poor excuse of a man & father, she should never have had 2 children with him.

There is more to this, I think. 3 parents would not let 2 young children, 1 with special needs, be treated like this.

I said before that as a mother, I couldn't let my children be in an enviroment like this, but also as a mother, I couldn't actively neglect 2 other children either.

These children have no one on their side, they have no voice & how do we know that they aren't completely unhappy with their situation? Moved from pillar to post, but no one actually seeming to care?

How long would it take the parents [here I mean all 3] to realise if one of them were missing? It's a sad fact that they have no one looking out for them.

LittleBella · 08/01/2008 00:36

Seriously maloddie, do you not realise that your home is your SKids home?

Did you not know that?

Elizabetth · 08/01/2008 00:36

Serenity, do you have any experience of step-families?

I think if there is a choice between children spending time with their stepmother or with their mother, it should be with their mother.

ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:37

Malloddie can I ask why you have not responded to a single one of the trying to be helpful comments that Suzie, Lisa or I have written. Do you not actually want any help?

sandcastles · 08/01/2008 00:37

Last post to Elizabeth, btw.

LittleBella · 08/01/2008 00:40

But they would not be spending time with their mother Elizabeth. They would be spending time in her empty house.

Their other "home" is not empty, so in a sane world, with a sane bunch of parents, it would make more sense to spend time there.

Maloddie is obviously leaving out great chunks of the story.

I'm too tired to find out what the big chunks are right now, so good night everybody.

Quattrocento · 08/01/2008 00:44

I am just picturing a Family Outing at the Mallodorous house. A trip to the zoo, say.

Malloddie and DH in front. "Real" children in the rear. Stepchildren in the boot.

They disembark. A family ticket is purchased. Stepchildren forced to vault over the fence.

They walk around the animals, stepchildren forced to keep at a decorous distance, real children in arms.

They stop off at the restaurant. The Mallodorouses enjoy the nicest meal available. The stepchildren trail around outside, waiting for them to finish.

Is that how it is?

Elizabetth · 08/01/2008 00:45

Is that what would happen, LittleBella? I missed that bit, if Malloddie said so.

Anyhow, I think if you wanted to ensure that a stepmother resented her two stepchildren you'd treat her as an unpaid babysitter and land two older children on her (when she already has two los to take care of) without bothering to check with her first. I'd say what Malloddie is being asked to do is well over and above what should be expected of a step-parent unless one of the childrens parents has died and they really do need someone to fill that role.

ingles2 · 08/01/2008 00:54

I don't know that she is really Elizabetth. I certainly took my role as step mother to be exactly that, in loco parentis. But as I love my dh, I willing took this on and always tried to love and care for him as my own. That is not to say there weren't times when I didn't begrudge handing over every penny to ex for years and years and years, or changing plans to fit in with ex's, or even to be seriously pissed off with dss when he sat on my brand new not yet paid for white (I was mad!) sofa with leather trousers he'd blackened with boot polish. So I do understand how she feels to some extent, but I think morally she knows she's in the wrong and that she's not telling us the whole truth