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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:
colditz · 07/01/2008 23:35

I think an excellent compromise would be to send them to a childminder for the holidays, and for your husband to foot the bill. Problem solved.

serenity · 07/01/2008 23:35

I don't know how we can help the OP, when (IMHO) most of the problems are in some ways self inflicted. She dislikes and resents her SDCs, anything they do is going to annoy her and after 3 years I honestly don't know how the situation can be resolved. I really think the first changes need to come from her, and atm I don't believe she's ready to do that (unless the huge negative response she's got makes something click into place)

Helennn · 07/01/2008 23:37

OK - obviously completely lost the plot now - in the post 23.29 addressed to me, who is Serenity? Has the OP changed her name all of a sudden?

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 23:39

Quattro I wish I could agree with you. But just have a look at some of those step mother sites. Really, they are horrific.

I do think the Op may be real. And that she needs help. But perhaps the barrage of horror will help her realise how utterly out of order her attitude is. That too, is part of MN. She needs to know that what she is doing is wrong. It is not OTT to imply that SS would be interested in her if they knew about this family. These two kids are being horribly neglected. The OP has not yet got to the stage of understanding that, and until she does, she can't really be helped, because she won't listen to the positive ideas. There have been some.

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:39

I think this is for real...and actually I'm sad for all of them including Mallodie.

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 23:40

oops, cross posted with serenity - exactly!

paulayatesbiggestfan · 07/01/2008 23:40

maloddie
i do empathise with you and think you need help not criticism
i have babies and bigger children and know it is hard
its tripley hard for you as they are not your big babies
they are children however big and spotty and annoying
i think the first thing you need to is take a tiny step towards getting to know them and spend a bit of time with them....
maybe take one of them to ikea you might have a giggle at something! You have tese boys for life now and they are part of your family. I know myself when a child is at a difficult age its almost easier to ignore them but that simply makes things worse
you must bite your lip and take little steps toward 'liking' the big boys
they are you little boys brothers and soon they will be hero worshipped
i am glad you have asked for help - that is good. please come back and talk some more x

Helennn · 07/01/2008 23:41

OK - now cross-posted with serenity, who was obviously trying to bring me up to speed with something I had missed on this rather fast moving thread. ( Thought I had unearthed a troll name-changing mistake, ).

susiecutiemincepies · 07/01/2008 23:43

I do feel sickened by what the OP has written. of course I do. I also hope its not real. Of course this is where you get opinions, however, she did ask for some help, thats all.

I agree with the sentiment of all you have written. I've also laughed out loud at your posts Quattro.

I just would hate to be here, on the end of my computer, and the OP be there at hers feeling so terrible about her life and the situations described, that it make her feel even worse and spiral into a further depression.

Perhaps, rather naively I am thinking that no-one with children of their own, could be possibly be in their right minds to be behaving in the way she is. So i'm trying to think of why this could be, and the only conclusion is that she is depressed and desperate, rather than opting for the 'she's evil' card.

ok, so i may be totally wrong. Im not having a go at your views, most of which I share, just the way they are coming across.

maybe i'm wrong.

Elizabetth · 07/01/2008 23:44

Malloddie, would you feel less resentment towards these children if you weren't being expected to act as their unpaid babysitter? Also, are there times when their mother could take them? That's what I got from your initial post.

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:45

practically, you want to knock out of your husband's head the idea that this is a fine way to treat children ... because if he ever leaves you and applies for access, this is how he will treat your children.

serenity · 07/01/2008 23:45

good god no it's not me trolling, lol.
Just trying to be helpful and failing miserably

sandcastles · 07/01/2008 23:45

Well the solution is obvious, isn't it? The op doesn't want to look after 4 kids& resents her dp & his ex for being able to go out to work, so she should go back to work & leave them all with a minder of some sort.

That way, at least the older 2 will have their needs met & be fed.

lisalisa · 07/01/2008 23:46

Message withdrawn

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:46

I agree Susie....I just read OP again and it is just unbelivably awful...But I think she's desperate..
I'd just like to say I'm a bit ashamed for being so mean on here tonight...sorry...

Original poster
Malloddie · 07/01/2008 23:49

Elizabeth, yes I would feel more respected and she has asked to have them more.

OP posts:
hatrick · 07/01/2008 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:51

Then it is a problem you are having with your partner, and you need to stop punishing his children for his flaws. Either take the issue up with him and arrange the childcare to your liking, or stop neglecting the children and start caring for them appropriately.

sandcastles · 07/01/2008 23:52

lisa, I really find it hard to think that her dp & ex thought

"Malloddie is at home with her 2 dcs so why not let her look after the other 2 aswell" without even consulting her. I don't think this has just been dropped in her lap.

If it is THAT bad she would have said something to her dp, would she not? She is a grown woman with 2 [4] kids, surely she can speak her mind to their father?

Elizabetth · 07/01/2008 23:54

I think you need to sit down with your partner and his ex and rearrange their children's visitation to him so you aren't being used as an unpaid babysitter by them, particularly as it sounds like his ex doesn't even want you to do this. It's your partner who is being the selfish one here. The two women who the childcare actually falls on don't like the arrangement so why is he able to dictate terms?

serenity · 07/01/2008 23:54

But lisalisa, going by her own OP, she hardly has them! Seriously, they are not spending large amounts of time with her.

They are with them 5 days every other weekend (so 2 of those days the DP is home) - 40odd weeks a year they are in school. She does not have them 24/7, even during the holidays which is why it's so hard to understand why she is the way she is - it's such a tiny amount of time. Surely even the worst pita kids can be tolerated, looked after, cared for, when it's such a small proportion of time.

soapbox · 07/01/2008 23:55

Mallodie - would it be feasible for you to return to work and your DP to be the SAHP?

That way he would be parenting all of his children and you would be out of the house for much of the day, reducing the time spent in their company?

Alternatively, it would seem appropriate for your DP to pay for a childminder for them to cover the times when they are at home during school holidays. I think when it is his turn to have them, it is his responibility to make sure their care is appropriate - if you are not prepared to do it then he should put alternative plans in place.

I have an almost 10yo and I am beyond shocked that anyone might think this is an appropriate age to leave a child home alone, let alone with an elder child with some kind of SN. Totally shocking!

fairyfly · 07/01/2008 23:57

If my boyfriend who is not the father of my children took this attitude towards my children i'm afraid i would have to really consider my relationship with him. Do you think you have missed out on bonding with them? Resentment usually comes from something else, not the children. Is it your partners attitude towards you. Maybe he takes you for granted and you feel left out. I think instead of getting annoyed you could maybe put your energies in e njoying time with them and learning to enjoy their company.

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:58

going from my own experience, if dp tells ex, he(malloddie) can't look after the dsc this will probably be used as ammunition for contact/visitation rights

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:58

She isn't an unpaid babysitter though. She's their stepmother, and she knew perfectly well they existed when she took up with their father, and before she had kids with their father, and made his children into Cinderellas.
I am shocked he allows this to happen too. But she is being actively cruel and neglectful of two children in her care.