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Original poster

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex

144 replies

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:33

DSCs live several hundred miles away with their mother after she moved away with them. DH sees them EOW, and they come to us for holidays - but due to the distance, he can't be there during the week to tackle these issues.

DH is great with his DCs when they're with us, but when they're with their mother they have issues. They both have behavioural problems, getting into trouble in school - one has been excluded several times. Both are addicted to gaming and obese. Last year one of them displayed signs of self-harm. Their mother ignores all of these issues and seems unwilling to admit they exist, let alone do anything about it.

DH has arranged for them to join a Scouts group to get them out of the house for one evening a week, get some discipline in their lives, help them achieve something and engage in at least one evening of physical activity. They attended one session several months ago and then their mother put a stop to it - claiming their behaviour was too naughty so she was punishing them by stopping them from going. We think the real reason is she can't be arsed driving them there (it's about 20 mins away). They say they have apologised to their mum and have improved their behaviour - yet they still haven't been allowed to go to scouts for months.

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more. He has raised it a couple of times with the ex, but she fobs him off. If she insists their behaviour is bad, he can't really challenge that as he doesn't know, and it's her choice how she disciplines them. But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees the importance in this - and I'm the only one who sees the issues mounting up with everyone turning a blind eye to it. But I'm totally powerless to do anything about it.

I nag DH to talk to the ex, but it causes arguments between us. How do I disengage?

OP posts:
FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 08:37

@SpaceshiptoMars

I don't buy the solution that Dad moves to wherever Mum has chosen to relocate. What is stopping her relocating again a month or two after he arrives? It's the same reason you think twice and twice again before relocating to be near adult children!
I agree, they could end up chasing each other round the country
M0RVEN · 03/04/2022 08:49

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

DH took ex to court - she refused to allow him any more than EOW

This is not how the family court works, so I'm taking everything else you are saying with a pinch of salt tbh.

This.

Your husband needs to step up, however inconvenient is is for his job. He needs to fit his job around his kids, just as every other mum has to do.

He needs to focus on what HE is going to do for his kids and not telling his ex what to do.

And you need to step back.

Goldbar · 03/04/2022 08:53

I also don't think that it's reasonable for you to be planting these seeds and doing none of the leg work

I agree. Especially if the mum's working full-time, it's a bit much to expect her to do 1 hour and 20 minutes extra driving one day a week on top of all the other parenting stuff.

OP, these children have two parents - their mum and their dad. If their mum's a shit parent, there really isn't any other option but for their dad to step up. And work isn't an excuse - there are many single mums who take badly paid jobs and cobble together childcare because they have no option but to be there for their children. Unlike their exes, they don't have 24/7 cheap or unpaid 'childcare' on hand in the form of the other parent.

It might be worth remembering that, however little their mum does for these children, their dad does even less.

Lou98 · 03/04/2022 09:45

You say they want to live with you, at 12 and 14 a court would listen to that, especially if they're obese as you say and neglected like you're saying (not buying them clothes they need, never letting them go anywhere etc).
Yet, you're also making excuses for why your DH can't have them full time. He can't dictate what the ex does with them if he isn't willing to have them FT.

Honestly? Neither of them sound like great parents but there isn't anything you can do about it, you can't change how their Mum parents and you can't change that your Husband won't have them full time so as frustrating as it is, you're going to have to let it go

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 10:37

The family court generally awards eow, that seems to be their default, especially when one parent is some distance away. That literally is how they work Hmm

Op I would disengage for your own benefit. If she moved her children away from their other parent, chances are she isnt going to be a reasonable person.

If your dp could change his job and spend more time with them it might be beneficial but I understand it's not just as easy as clicking hour fingers and finding something that's flexible and pays enough.

candlesandpitchforks · 03/04/2022 11:42

Really odd how would are defending the mum here.

Imagine if dad had taken the kids and moved 100 miles away... then refused to take the kids to one after school club they loved because they couldn't be arse 😂😂😂 people would be crucifying him.

Of course he does EOW... mum moved the kids 100 miles away.. the fact everyone's like ah you DP because he didn't jump at following the first wife around like a lost puppy is beyond me and I say that as a mum.

I would never be ok with moving kids 100 miles away from their dad because I wanted to because that's a bad thing to do re kids and their best interest.

Op sadly your gonna have to just back off on this one, it's not that your idea is bad it's just from your position there's limited things you can do to influence it.

Personally I would advise DP to go full residency with dad as courts will take their preference into account. Normally I wouldn't suggest this because kids should have access to both parents without 100 miles between them but since she moved... maybe if they come to live with you she can get a new job and come live closer again (waits for apolitic rage at the suggestion mum does what everyones call Op DH for not doing and calling him a bad dad) 😅

Fireflygal · 03/04/2022 12:28

DH took ex to court - she refused to allow him any more than EOW

If the move went to court then a judge would hear cases for both sides, with focus on the children's best interests. Judges do stop parents moving (if Dad applied for PSO) and it isn't a given. Cafcass would be involved to make recommendations that a judge is likely to go along with. Had this been highly detrimental to the children I hope it would have been picked up.

Op, you might be focusing on the negatives however if the children have as many issues as you highlighted then your dh has a duty to step in and be a more active parent. Scouts won't cut it if the problems are deep.

Perhaps he needs to speak to the school, but he should do so with his Ex not against her. If he loves his boys and their life is going downhill surely he has no option BUT to take action.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/04/2022 15:15

If the Mum fights tooth and nail in court, and the children are only mildly 'we'd prefer Dad', and Dad works away a lot - would the court really displace those kids hundreds of miles at this stage?

If the move was half a mile, and the school stayed the same, OK. But in a case where there is only lukewarm enthusiasm? The boys would have to be carrying another child each in their own skin.

Lou98 · 03/04/2022 15:17

@SpaceshiptoMars If she is neglecting them the way OP is describing then the court absolutely would consider moving them

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/04/2022 15:35

Hmmm, I've just noticed that she also moved hundreds of miles away from her own parents. Job or boyfriend or a return to the old hunting grounds?

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 03/04/2022 22:38

How do you know that they have behavioural problems and are addicted to gaming? Who tells you this? (As you said the ex won’t acknowledge or admit it). Did the DC tell you this themselves?

Or does your DH tell you this about her?

Their gaming addiction is plain to see, the whole time they're with DH he has to drag them away from their Xbox. Every time he calls them they tell him they've been doing nothing but gaming. The youngest sets his alarm early in the morning when he's with us to get in several hours of solid gaming before we all get up for breakfast.

The behavioural problems have been reported by the school to DH - both DSCs have been in trouble, one has been suspended several times. And their mother occasionally calls DH and completely offloads on him complaining about their behaviour.

OP posts:
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 03/04/2022 22:45

Get rid of the X-Box at yours.

Let him communicate with their mother about her concerns.

Fireflygal · 04/04/2022 00:36

one has been suspended several times

That's fairly significant and suggests behaviour isn't going to improve by Scouts.

Do they need counselling?

MargosKaftan · 04/04/2022 08:47

Really is there any way you can move them to live with you? If there are grandparents nearby could they take on some of the cqre while dh is working away and he continues to apply for jobs nearer to home?

(Could you all move to near where dh works or does he travel around in the week?)

Someone needs to step in.

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/04/2022 10:16

A gaming addiction is really hard to break. The Chinese have resorted to restricting gaming hours for all under 18s to a bare minimum legally and making the game companies enforce it for online stuff. So I guess they had a huge problem with it.

It's particularly hard if the children have the option of a game-friendly residence versus an Xbox dry zone. Any autism in the family? It can be a pointer. I would get a psychological assessment for both boys privately as the first port of call.

MzHz · 04/04/2022 10:37

A psychological assessment will cost between £875 to £1500 each…

Taxis to the scouts for a 20 min journey round here costs £40, it’s 14 miles

These kids have a shit childhood, they want to come live with their dad which is a HUGE thing for kids to ask, and you’re not sure… all you’re thinking of doing is nagging him about it.

If you want the situation to change, you work with their dad and support him. They won’t give you too much hassle as they’re older, and as long as rules are laid down early, from the outset it should work

The ex won’t want to give up the maintenance so a decision there is needed, does he continue to pay something to keep her quiet and the kids live with him, or does he say that they want to live with him and therefore he’s going to need the money to help with childcare etc

Big conversations, but if you’re bothered by how they’re living, you have to do something especially if they WANT to leave

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/04/2022 10:49

Big conversations, but if you’re bothered by how they’re living, you have to do something especially if they WANT to leave

But if she finds out the extent of the whole problem and it is too big to solve, then she is also entitled to leave and let Dad crack on....

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 10:57

If you want the situation to change, you work with their dad and support him. They won’t give you too much hassle as they’re older, and as long as rules are laid down early, from the outset it should work

Are you saying OP needs to agree to them coming to live with them, with her providing childcare? If so I strongly disagree. If this is to be considered the childcare needs to come from their dad, he will need to restructure his life to allow it.

I don't think it's correct to say they won't be much hassle, either, it sounds like they have significant issue sand would likely be a lot of hassle.

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/04/2022 11:19

I don't think it's correct to say they won't be much hassle, either, it sounds like they have significant issue sand would likely be a lot of hassle.

Teenage boys with a gaming addiction may well choose to enforce their preferences by physical means!

However, if nothing is done, then you may well end up with 2 young men who will not go out to work - or who 'work' from home but actually spend most of their work time gaming. One of ours has needed the combination of a dream job plus extensive psychological and practical support to keep the temptations within bounds.

Itwasntmeright · 04/04/2022 11:39

I don’t know about this, I don’t know the whole story so I couldn’t comment either way, but what I will say is that my sons father was a crap dad. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me, then later I found out he’d been physically and emotionally abusive to our DS on his contact time. DS was having some emotional issues due to this and it was manifest in his behaviour, and rather than try to address the issues, his father just blamed me and made endless suggestions of how it was all my fault and what I should be doing to fix it. Meantime I was caring for a young child whilst trying to process the trauma of being in an abusive marriage and I was struggling as well. We did have SS involvement, and it was SS who told me that DS shouldn’t see his father unsupervised, then all the abuse towards DS came out. We did move away after a few years of DS not seeing his father and his father not making any effort to see him, although of course it was all my fault for keeping DS from his father, To be honest moving away was the best thing we ever did.

Like I said, I have no idea what the full story is here, and I would suggest OP, that you probably don’t know either. What I will say however, is that if their father is that concerned about their well-being then he should be doing whatever it takes to remediate the situation. Why hasn’t he contacted SS for example? If he thinks they are being neglected then he should have. Is there a reason he hasn’t done? I can think of a good reason why he might not have, but that would be an ungenerous interpretation.

At the end of the day though, they are his children so he has parental responsibility, and if he was genuinely that concerned about their well-being then he could have them back with him by fair means or foul, and their mother would have a hell of a job getting them back with her because that’s just how the system works. I’m not for a moment suggesting he should be underhand, but if the situation was that serious then there are ways and Means.

What I would say though OP, is that you only know the side of the story that you have been given by him, and that won’t be the full story, and unless you are willing to step up and take on the kids full time then there’s not really much you can do about it, frustrating and upsetting as it may be. Don’t direct your anger solely at the mother though, because if your partner was really that concerned there would be ways he could get the kids to him, and the fact that he’s choosing not to speaks for itself.

Itwasntmeright · 04/04/2022 11:43

The other thing I would say as well, is that I’ve never known a mother move hundreds of miles away to be an unsupported single parent for her own selfish reasons, and I know a lot of single mothers. Mothers generally try their hardest to maintain some sort of relationship between the kids and their father, even when it turns out to be to the kids’ detriment like it did for me and other posters on this thread.

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/04/2022 13:06

The other thing I would say as well, is that I’ve never known a mother move hundreds of miles away to be an unsupported single parent for her own selfish reasons, and I know a lot of single mothers.

A mother who buys herself clothes, but won't buy for her growing, obese, teenagers? I'm imagining the boys going around with trousers half way up their calves, the flies pinned with safety pins and bare midriffs in midwinter.

howtomoveforwards · 04/04/2022 13:35

Imagine if dad had taken the kids and moved 100 miles away... then refused to take the kids to one after school club they loved because they couldn't be arse

You assume ‘can’t be arsed’. You know nothing at all about how this woman manages her time, the work she does, her living costs and whether or not she can afford petrol to be doing a 40 minute drive twice in a night. I struggle to get my kids to activities because I work in the evenings - my ex wouldn’t have known this, let alone his partner, when the children were little. They know now - and would still happily call me a selfish bitch for prioritising extra income and keeping food on the table over my kids doing one activity one night a week. My priorities are, unfortunately, a sign of the times. Stop assuming you know everything going on in a household several hundred miles away because you can’t. All you have are the words of two troublesome boys who may well be telling dad whatever it is they think he wants to hear.

Itwasntmeright · 04/04/2022 14:34

You imagine that, but you don’t know that. I’m rather sure the school would have raised safeguarding concerns if that was the case.

Itwasntmeright · 04/04/2022 14:37

Sorry, quote fail there. That post was in response to @SpaceshiptoMars.