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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex

144 replies

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:33

DSCs live several hundred miles away with their mother after she moved away with them. DH sees them EOW, and they come to us for holidays - but due to the distance, he can't be there during the week to tackle these issues.

DH is great with his DCs when they're with us, but when they're with their mother they have issues. They both have behavioural problems, getting into trouble in school - one has been excluded several times. Both are addicted to gaming and obese. Last year one of them displayed signs of self-harm. Their mother ignores all of these issues and seems unwilling to admit they exist, let alone do anything about it.

DH has arranged for them to join a Scouts group to get them out of the house for one evening a week, get some discipline in their lives, help them achieve something and engage in at least one evening of physical activity. They attended one session several months ago and then their mother put a stop to it - claiming their behaviour was too naughty so she was punishing them by stopping them from going. We think the real reason is she can't be arsed driving them there (it's about 20 mins away). They say they have apologised to their mum and have improved their behaviour - yet they still haven't been allowed to go to scouts for months.

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more. He has raised it a couple of times with the ex, but she fobs him off. If she insists their behaviour is bad, he can't really challenge that as he doesn't know, and it's her choice how she disciplines them. But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees the importance in this - and I'm the only one who sees the issues mounting up with everyone turning a blind eye to it. But I'm totally powerless to do anything about it.

I nag DH to talk to the ex, but it causes arguments between us. How do I disengage?

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 02/04/2022 12:08

I think you need to back off.He cannot insist the mother spends 40 mins x 2 driving them about one evening a week. Bringing it up every week won't help.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 12:09

@Undertheoldlindentree yes that's exactly what he does - fills their weekends with active stuff when he's with them, and the holidays when they stay with us. They love it.

He's looking into a taxi, if she will agree to it.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 02/04/2022 12:09

I think you should leave it to the DSC's parents.

lonelydad2021 · 02/04/2022 12:10

At that age the court will listen to them if they want to move to live with their father.

Fireflygal · 02/04/2022 12:10

Btw, no point being frustrated with the ex. I assume if your H & Ex were on the same page they would still be married. He has no influence over her, to think he might is magical thinking. Any coercion could come over as bullying so he is right to step back.

However if his boys are suffering and he knows their lives will be impacted then he HAS to do something and can't use excuses such as work.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 12:13

yes He did consider moving, but it wasn't feasible for lots of reasons.

The only option at the moment is to fill their time when they're with DH, which he does.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 02/04/2022 12:15

Mostly there's not much you can do about this but I sympathise because I would find this all v hard to watch.

Removing a nurturing activity as a punishment is awful parenting but quite common. I can't bear it.

jytdtysrht · 02/04/2022 12:16

Whilst I’m not suggesting this is your dh’s fault, scouts isn’t going to fix it or even help much at all. They sound quite seriously out of control and there is nothing your dh can do from a distance - because of their ages and the severity of the problems. If moving closer to them isn’t practical for you, then you’ll need to accept that those boys are basically fucked.

FairyLightPups · 02/04/2022 12:17

If they've asked to move in, I'd push that. They're 12 and 14, they have a prior connection to the area, they actively want to live with you. Court listens to teens and they'd take the obesity into account. Could DH get a job that involves less travel and do you and this DPs have capacity to help? It's not like they're very small children.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/04/2022 12:24

Imo when you marry a partner with dc the possibility of them being with their nrp is always a possibility.. When my dc wanted to live with me it was my dh who went and collected them and their stuff. Not even a conversation.. Dh was over the moon. He also has a dc with me.
Yabu to place any sort of negative obstacle in the way of your dsc having a better life and future..
They are just as important to your dh as your joint dc.

Herejustforthisone · 02/04/2022 12:25

@Maybeitstimeforachange

He could work closer to his kids - seriously how many mothers would just be resigned to the fact their kids now live 200 miles away with their fathers.
You’re really, really reaching to keep trying to paint the father and the OP as the villains here, whatever. Please stop. Your agenda is hijacking the thread and you look silly and vindictive.
Herejustforthisone · 02/04/2022 12:28

@Maybeitstimeforachange

He's not their mother - he's their father.

What do you mean by this?

The OP was responding to you directly and I believe she missed that you switched the gender roles, as a way of suggesting he’s being lacklustre simply because of his sex. I believe the OP thought you were confused about the parental role she was speaking about.

Taking it out of context as you have, is a little unfair.

MargosKaftan · 02/04/2022 12:38

You need to have a serious chat about moving them in. At 12 and 14, they won't need as much hands on parenting as they would as younger dcs. It would be a big commitment from you, but it sounds like someone needs to step up.

HellToTheNope · 02/04/2022 12:40

You need to back off and stop nagging your husband. How he deals with his ex is none of your business.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 12:42

@Herejustforthisone I’m not painting anyone out as villains - the OP has nothing to do with the children and their father’s relationship.

I don’t think the OP was confused about what I said at all.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 12:43

Also I’m not the only one who is saying their father is not stepping up.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 12:55

He can arrange whatever he wants in his time but you seem to want him to control his ex wife! Just stay out of it.

Iwonder08 · 02/04/2022 12:55

Sometimes life just works out in a certain way. I would say their mother is much more selfish than your DH as she moved young kids hundreds of miles away from their dad with no consideration for their wellbeing. It doesn't matter now though. The point is they are not your children, you have no responsibilities for them, it is not your issue they are obese, they are not badly behaved in school because of you. Your DH can think of various ways to help the situation, it is not likely to be very successful if their mother does value physical activity, deny the fact they are obese and does nothing to prevent the gaming addiction. But it is not your problem to solve. You have a young child, concentrate on him and leave your DH to deal with his children.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 02/04/2022 12:56

DH took ex to court - she refused to allow him any more than EOW

This is not how the family court works, so I'm taking everything else you are saying with a pinch of salt tbh.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 12:57

But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week it's up to him if he wants to nag his ex wife or not. He's probably realised it's not the best idea. Maybe she doesn't want them to go to scouts.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 13:01

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex Do you not understand what Ex means? They have no power, control or hold over each other any more. Its not is place to "influence" her and you are far too invested. They had these children together it's between them how they raise them.

AlisonDonut · 02/04/2022 13:05

Not alot you can do is there?

Step back and let them get on with it.

bellac11 · 02/04/2022 13:06

Has he referred in to social services, sounds as if the children are being physically and emotionally harmed, certainly by their being allowed to grow obese but also the restrictions on their social actitivites.

The courts would listen to the children if they said they wanted to live with father, or at least see more of him although the distance is quite disruptive if they see him more, it wouldnt be a 'big court battle' that is 'difficult to win'.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/04/2022 13:11

OP you are saying that their mother neglects them, their father won't have them and you don't want them. So you are all as bad as each other.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/04/2022 13:16

Court would take their wishes and feelings very seriously at their ages which is why my exh didn't argue /try to enforce the court order...
Maybe your dh notes your reluctance so isn't pushing for them to live with him.
Very sad. And frankly disgusting..