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Original poster

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex

144 replies

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:33

DSCs live several hundred miles away with their mother after she moved away with them. DH sees them EOW, and they come to us for holidays - but due to the distance, he can't be there during the week to tackle these issues.

DH is great with his DCs when they're with us, but when they're with their mother they have issues. They both have behavioural problems, getting into trouble in school - one has been excluded several times. Both are addicted to gaming and obese. Last year one of them displayed signs of self-harm. Their mother ignores all of these issues and seems unwilling to admit they exist, let alone do anything about it.

DH has arranged for them to join a Scouts group to get them out of the house for one evening a week, get some discipline in their lives, help them achieve something and engage in at least one evening of physical activity. They attended one session several months ago and then their mother put a stop to it - claiming their behaviour was too naughty so she was punishing them by stopping them from going. We think the real reason is she can't be arsed driving them there (it's about 20 mins away). They say they have apologised to their mum and have improved their behaviour - yet they still haven't been allowed to go to scouts for months.

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more. He has raised it a couple of times with the ex, but she fobs him off. If she insists their behaviour is bad, he can't really challenge that as he doesn't know, and it's her choice how she disciplines them. But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees the importance in this - and I'm the only one who sees the issues mounting up with everyone turning a blind eye to it. But I'm totally powerless to do anything about it.

I nag DH to talk to the ex, but it causes arguments between us. How do I disengage?

OP posts:
Iloveyourbracelet · 02/04/2022 14:11

yes that's exactly what he does - fills their weekends with active stuff when he's with them, and the holidays when they stay with us. They love it

Very easy to do when he hardly spend any time with them.

I used to be like you. My dsc would behave horribly for their mum and id judge the ex for not being able to handle, and for doing stuff like cancelling activities because of bad behaviour. Then i had my own and my eyes were well and truly opened. Kids are a lot harder to deal with when they're your own and you have to deal with them 99% of the time. Id be an amazing fun wonderful happy parent if i only saw them once a fortnight.

steppemum · 02/04/2022 14:11

@MargosKaftan

You need to have a serious chat about moving them in. At 12 and 14, they won't need as much hands on parenting as they would as younger dcs. It would be a big commitment from you, but it sounds like someone needs to step up.
I disagree.

I have teens and they require huge amounts of emotional energy, and you don't get free evenings once they are in bed either.

If you take them on, you will also need to be prepared to do some serious teen parenting, as they are borderline out of control. That would be hard when their dad is not there.

On the other hand, a lot of their behaviour may be acting out because they are unhappy, and unsupported. They may relax and thrive with you.

Iloveyourbracelet · 02/04/2022 14:21

Jesus, going to scouts or doing extra curricular developmental groups/clubs is not 'reward'. Its for their benefit

It is a reward if they want to go. Its not like they'll suffer for not going to scouts.

Hawkins001 · 02/04/2022 14:22

@PaperClipPlane

Unfortunately DH works away so he can't have the DCs full time unless he gives up his job. But they did ask him this week if they could come live with him - it would involve me and his parents doing the childcare while DH is away, and there's no way their mother would agree to it without going through court.
From the sounds of what you put, going to court would be the better option.
debbrianna · 02/04/2022 14:28

@PaperClipPlane

Unfortunately DH works away so he can't have the DCs full time unless he gives up his job. But they did ask him this week if they could come live with him - it would involve me and his parents doing the childcare while DH is away, and there's no way their mother would agree to it without going through court.
Of course! It's always somone else problem.
PinkSyCo · 02/04/2022 14:30

It’s literally nothing to do with you.

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/04/2022 14:37

When you say obese do you really mean their BMI is medically obese and a risk to future health or do you mean just bit chubby and they are not getting enough exercise ?
You do sound caring and as if tyour heart is in the right place but for your sanity you need to take a step back and stop giving oh a hard time over something he has minimal effect
If nagging worked , we’d all be at it

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 02/04/2022 14:46

OP, why do care so much? Genuine question, I’m not trying to be nasty or tell you to get back into your lane. But they have a resident parent mother and a NRP father who sees them regularly. I don’t understand why you are putting energy into trying to change what happens while they are with their mother? Are you worried bad behavior will influence your children? Are you worried they will end up living with you and that’s not what you want? (Legit worried in my opinion). I think you’re on a hiding to nothing here. Why would their mother pay any attention whatsoever to your opinion on her parenting? You risk messing up the co-parenting relationship if you push her too hard.

The scouts thing is a nice idea but it’s not really on to dictate how the other co-parent spends their time (driving to scouts). If the taxi thing works that’s worth a shot, but your H should really focus on things for when they are with you, everything else he can only offer and his ex can decline for whatever reason she likes, however you judge her reasoning or her parenting.

Lorw · 02/04/2022 14:46

Not your monkeys, not your circus…you need to just step back I reckon, you can’t change anything I am afraid.

My DHs ex has no rules or boundaries at her home, lets my SSs do what they like and behave how they like, unfortunately we can’t dictate how she parents, it’s just harder when they come here and expect to act how they do at their other home.

Your SSs could choose to come live with you if it went to court as court will take their opinion into account but again it would be a choice of you taking on 2 teenage boys while your DH is away or him quitting his job.

howtomoveforwards · 02/04/2022 14:51

I would say their mother is much more selfish than your DH as she moved young kids hundreds of miles away from their dad with no consideration for their wellbeing

Or….she spent time having her ex try to control her time by doing things like booking activities she was expected to manage the logistics of. So she moved to free herself of that control and/or be near family for support because her own job prospects were curtailed due to an ex who works away and won’t commit to more than every other weekend contact and/or she moved because housing costs were lower in the new area and/or she moved because job prospects were better in the new area.

Lovely new partner judging someone else’s parenting from a distance of 200 miles, believing she knows better and believing that the ex’s time should be controlled all for the good of children she doesn’t really want to see beyond every other weekend.

There is, undoubtedly, a much bigger picture here and we’re seeing one tiny corner of it.

debbrianna · 02/04/2022 14:54

Unless the Op and children's father are willing to take the children into their care, there is no conversation. You can't dictate what another woman does in thier own home. The children's father has every right to look after his children but had chosen to travel instead with your child benefiting in this. You are him are happy as long as somone else does the job. You are either OK with them moving in You with or say nothing.

Goldbar · 02/04/2022 15:04

@Polyanthus2

DH should pay for a taxi to pick them up from Scouts. 20 mins to scouts, 20 mins home, then the same again at the end - you would have no evening. Arrange sports for when they are with you and possibly - again using taxis - when they are not.
This. Can't he pay for a taxi to take them? His ex already does all the other parenting stuff (albeit badly by your account).
Goldbar · 02/04/2022 15:16

Does their mother work?

TheBigDilemma · 02/04/2022 16:54

@FloralsForSpring

his sweet partner turned into a nasty bitchy stepparent resenting being left with the responsibility of caring for a child that wasn’t hers in the few days he spent with them not her fault. He was a dick for putting her in that position.
It is not her fault she ended up providing the care but it was her choice to shout, scare and starve a child she accepted to have around.

She could have said no and walk away, she chose to stay and hurt a child.

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 17:17

She doesn't sound particularly reasonable generally - moving away and then refusing to do the resulting travel, but I think you do need to detach from this. You can't force an ex to take on a commitment such as this, and you also need to remind yourself that scouts might not be the cure all you think it might be. It might not really help anything, it's just an idea, don't fixate on it.

In terms of wider issues, unless your DH is going to change things so he's available to look after them I wouldn't entertain the idea of them coming to live with you. It's not your job to take on and you should not do it. But correspondingly, you need to detach from acting like these issues are your own, and stop nagging. They're not your children, let him deal with matters to do with them.

Movingonup22 · 02/04/2022 17:22

Literally millions of mothers give up their jobs and live on awful benefits to look after their children.

You are not at all unusual in applying a different standard to men as it’s what so society does - but the reality is that vast numbers of women make unbelievable sacrifices so their children aren’t in the shit show situation that your partners children are in.

Movingonup22 · 02/04/2022 17:24

Honestly his children sound like they are at significant risk and he needs to move heaven and earth to move near them.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I do have great respect for you that you are aware and concerned of the issues

TheBigDilemma · 02/04/2022 17:32

He's not their mother - he's their father. He took out an emergency court order to try and stop her moving away. Failed.

A removal of jurisdiction battle is one that is almost always lost, it is very difficult for a parent wanting to move to be allowed to. If she succeeded I bet there is far far more to this story than the OP is letting out.

howtomoveforwards · 02/04/2022 22:58

A removal of jurisdiction battle is one that is almost always lost, it is very difficult for a parent wanting to move to be allowed to

She’s moved 200 miles, not out of the jurisdiction. And English courts at least are not in the habit of preventing a move unless there is a huge history of contact blocking and/or it is considered the move is about contact blocking.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2022 23:40

What @aSofaNearYou said.

For your own sake and sanity, stop fixating on scouts. And detach as best you can. You’re trying to push water up hill given the circumstances and challenges. You have your own child, you must have your own things to focus on and invest in. I hear how much you care but you really have no power or influence and it’s not worth damaging your relationship by fixating on things you can’t control.

BananaPlants · 02/04/2022 23:57

How do you know that they have behavioural problems and are addicted to gaming? Who tells you this? (As you said the ex won’t acknowledge or admit it). Did the DC tell you this themselves?

Or does your DH tell you this about her?

Maybe she moved away for a reason.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/04/2022 02:47

He needs to step up. Two weekends a month is not parenting. He should be looking to relocate.

If he thinks they are being neglected /self harm why on earth hasn't he acted?

Rainbowqueeen · 03/04/2022 03:46

These are serious issues that will involve some significant changes to fix.

I know he has a job now but he needs to look for another one. Either closer to where his boys live and you all move. Or in your current location and he applies to court to have them live with him.
Otherwise he needs to accept that his ex is doing the best she can.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/04/2022 07:31

I don't buy the solution that Dad moves to wherever Mum has chosen to relocate. What is stopping her relocating again a month or two after he arrives? It's the same reason you think twice and twice again before relocating to be near adult children!

ChoiceMummy · 03/04/2022 08:22

@PaperClipPlane

You want him to nag his ex wife to complete a parenting plan ask he assigned her on her time when he can never help out with anything day to day because they’re 200 miles away?

Well its not necessarily what he has assigned to her - it's an activity the DCs really wanted to do, and still want to do. She won't let them and is blaming them and their behaviour rather than just admitting that she can't be bothered driving them.

Surely it's reasonable to expect the DCs to do something after school one day a week? That's not too much to ask?

Tbh, it sounds like you and your oh have planted this seed.

That's a 40 minutes journey twice within a couple of hours, so one evening is their mother having to drive them there and back for an hour and 20 minutes. Or she has to hang around waiting. I'm not sure that I see her reluctance as that unreasonable tbh.

My child goes to one of the Scouting groups, it's in the village, so manageable. But tbh, if it was a 20 minutes journey on top of the faffing once there, I'd be more reluctant if this was the ex's suggestion! Whilst he lives his little life quite happily with no family responsibilities all week as he's away for work!

It's not unreasonable that the children have extracurricular activities. But I also don't think that it's reasonable for you to be planting these seeds and doing none of the leg work. In the same way you're quick to dismiss them living with you!