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Original poster

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex

144 replies

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:33

DSCs live several hundred miles away with their mother after she moved away with them. DH sees them EOW, and they come to us for holidays - but due to the distance, he can't be there during the week to tackle these issues.

DH is great with his DCs when they're with us, but when they're with their mother they have issues. They both have behavioural problems, getting into trouble in school - one has been excluded several times. Both are addicted to gaming and obese. Last year one of them displayed signs of self-harm. Their mother ignores all of these issues and seems unwilling to admit they exist, let alone do anything about it.

DH has arranged for them to join a Scouts group to get them out of the house for one evening a week, get some discipline in their lives, help them achieve something and engage in at least one evening of physical activity. They attended one session several months ago and then their mother put a stop to it - claiming their behaviour was too naughty so she was punishing them by stopping them from going. We think the real reason is she can't be arsed driving them there (it's about 20 mins away). They say they have apologised to their mum and have improved their behaviour - yet they still haven't been allowed to go to scouts for months.

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more. He has raised it a couple of times with the ex, but she fobs him off. If she insists their behaviour is bad, he can't really challenge that as he doesn't know, and it's her choice how she disciplines them. But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees the importance in this - and I'm the only one who sees the issues mounting up with everyone turning a blind eye to it. But I'm totally powerless to do anything about it.

I nag DH to talk to the ex, but it causes arguments between us. How do I disengage?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/04/2022 11:37

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more.

You want him to nag his ex wife to complete a parenting plan ask he assigned her on her time when he can never help out with anything day to day because they’re 200 miles away?

You do need to disengage.

The only way for him to exert more parental influence over his DC’s lifestyle is to relocate closer and do 50-50 shared care and co-parenting.

SilverHairedCat · 02/04/2022 11:40

Perhaps he should ask the kids if they want to move in with him full time and he parents them himself. He's 200 miles away, he can't have it all to suit him.

And you need to back off.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:43

Unfortunately DH works away so he can't have the DCs full time unless he gives up his job. But they did ask him this week if they could come live with him - it would involve me and his parents doing the childcare while DH is away, and there's no way their mother would agree to it without going through court.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2022 11:46

How old are the kids?
I'm assuming 10-13 for scouts?

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:46

You want him to nag his ex wife to complete a parenting plan ask he assigned her on her time when he can never help out with anything day to day because they’re 200 miles away?

Well its not necessarily what he has assigned to her - it's an activity the DCs really wanted to do, and still want to do. She won't let them and is blaming them and their behaviour rather than just admitting that she can't be bothered driving them.

Surely it's reasonable to expect the DCs to do something after school one day a week? That's not too much to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:47

@LittleOwl153

How old are the kids? I'm assuming 10-13 for scouts?
12 and 14 - I think it's a mix between Scouts and Venture scouts? Not sure how it works
OP posts:
thefootballcoacheswife · 02/04/2022 11:48

The ex wife moved away I think the op said? Not sure the H should have to move to follow her? That doesn't seem very reasonable.

There isn't anything you can do in this situation OP so we're I you I would elect not to give it any more headspace.

The kids living situation doesn't sound great though-would you want them full time? I see that might be a bit daunting but might that be better for them?

Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 11:48

He’s chosen his job over his kids then. Not all down to the mother as he wants you to think.

westlake84 · 02/04/2022 11:49

@Maybeitstimeforachange

He’s chosen his job over his kids then. Not all down to the mother as he wants you to think.
Yes because in the real world, people need to work and jobs are not growing on trees. The Ex moved. Not the Dh. It is unreasonable to expect him to drop sticks every time the ex decides to move
Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 11:51

I’d do anything to see my children more that 4 times a month - so I would.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:53

@Maybeitstimeforachange

He’s chosen his job over his kids then. Not all down to the mother as he wants you to think.
The ex moved away.

DH lost his job, and spent a year unemployed, during which time the ex made the children suffer, refusing to buy them clothes while continuing to ensure she had new clothes.

After a year of trying DH got a new job, but it involves travelling. the Ex was delighted to suddenly be receiving considerable child support again.

So no - he has not chosen his job over his kids. He has to work, she chose to move away.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:54

@Maybeitstimeforachange

I’d do anything to see my children more that 4 times a month - so I would.
DH took ex to court - she refused to allow him any more than EOW. He does all of the travelling to see them - she refuses to leave the house. And like I said, he lives hundreds of miles away and can't move unless he gives up his job.

But yeah, I'm sure you would do better than that.

OP posts:
Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 11:55

He could work closer to his kids - seriously how many mothers would just be resigned to the fact their kids now live 200 miles away with their fathers.

Polyanthus2 · 02/04/2022 11:55

DH should pay for a taxi to pick them up from Scouts.
20 mins to scouts, 20 mins home, then the same again at the end - you would have no evening.
Arrange sports for when they are with you and possibly - again using taxis - when they are not.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/04/2022 11:55

At 12 and 14 would they need dh to pack in work? School runs by bus?
At 12 and 14 my dc moved ft to live with me and my dh. Worked out very well and the dc are so much happier. One joined the army and 1 is finishing college soon and has a pt job already!! None of which would have happened if they had stayed with exh... We live 35 miles apart.
Exh didn't argue despite the court order being more in his favour...

underneaththeash · 02/04/2022 11:56

It sounds as if they'd be better having a fresh start with you. Is the 14 year old in year 9 - if so, it would be a good time for a move in time to start GCSEs in year 10.

Do you want them to live with you?

Undertheoldlindentree · 02/04/2022 11:57

I think the only way is to relocate to the same area as the children and whether they live with you or not, for your husband to take a very active part in their daily upbringing. This means changing his job or career to something that enables him to be more present and active with them.

The teen years are so important and you need to be present and immersed in the everyday to make a real difference to their lives. Hand-wringing from a distance does nothing I'm afraid.

whatstheteamarie · 02/04/2022 11:58

So when he as unemployed, why didn't he look for a job close to where his kids went to school, that's what most hands-on parents do.

I understand you're saying to see them more in the current situation he'd have to quit his job, but he didn't have a job and he chose to apply for one that would keep him away from his kids; that seems like an odd decision.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:59

@Maybeitstimeforachange

He could work closer to his kids - seriously how many mothers would just be resigned to the fact their kids now live 200 miles away with their fathers.
He's not their mother - he's their father. He took out an emergency court order to try and stop her moving away. Failed.

Are you honestly suggesting this is his fault for not giving up his job to follow her across the country?

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 12:01

@whatstheteamarie

So when he as unemployed, why didn't he look for a job close to where his kids went to school, that's what most hands-on parents do.

I understand you're saying to see them more in the current situation he'd have to quit his job, but he didn't have a job and he chose to apply for one that would keep him away from his kids; that seems like an odd decision.

He applied for hundreds of jobs. It was soul destroying. He was incredibly lucky to get the one he did.

Life isn't as easy as just picking a job in the place where you want.

OP posts:
Maybeitstimeforachange · 02/04/2022 12:02

He's not their mother - he's their father.

What do you mean by this?

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 12:03

@Polyanthus2

DH should pay for a taxi to pick them up from Scouts. 20 mins to scouts, 20 mins home, then the same again at the end - you would have no evening. Arrange sports for when they are with you and possibly - again using taxis - when they are not.
Yes - this is what he's thinking of doing.

Problem is - that will only work if she actually allows them to go. At the moment she's using the excuse that she's punishing them for their behaviour. If she just admitted that she didn't want to give up her evening to take them - then DH can solve that with a taxi. But if she insists she wont take them because it's their fault - then he can't fix that.

OP posts:
Undertheoldlindentree · 02/04/2022 12:04

Sorry, just seen your updates made while writing the above. If moving is impossible right now, could you work towards it in the future? Maybe in the meantime do very active stuff with them EOW? Park run, swimming, mountain biking, indoor climbing centre etc ? And taxi to Scouts is a good idea, but check the minimum age with the taxi firm. Some won't take unaccompanied U16.

Fireflygal · 02/04/2022 12:06

When he was unemployed did he consider moving?

However at 12 & 14 it's way more challenging to change their behaviour. How is behaviour in school?

I agree activities help boys to build self esteem and potentially discipline but at their ages it needs to be somewhere that they can get to easily.

Can you also schedule activities over summer when they are with you?

If the boys are asking and it seems sincere then your H has to take it seriously. Talk to them, perhaps use a counsellor and determine if it's real and they understand the implications to moving 200 miles again.
If it's decided then go to court, first step is mediation. Maybe your H needs to schedule that.

However I think he will need to review his job alongside as he can't delegate parenting to you or gp if the boys moved. I assume he lost his job through covid and market is much more buoyant. If he keeps his job, after the boys move then he isn't doing right by them.

Original poster
PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 12:07

@underneaththeash

It sounds as if they'd be better having a fresh start with you. Is the 14 year old in year 9 - if so, it would be a good time for a move in time to start GCSEs in year 10.

Do you want them to live with you?

DH works away several nights a week - so if they lived with us, it would involve a commitment from me to look after them.

I have a young child myself - so it's not ideal. And I can't see their mother ever agreeing to it without a difficult court battle which we might not win.

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