Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Frustrated with DH's inability to influence the Ex

144 replies

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:33

DSCs live several hundred miles away with their mother after she moved away with them. DH sees them EOW, and they come to us for holidays - but due to the distance, he can't be there during the week to tackle these issues.

DH is great with his DCs when they're with us, but when they're with their mother they have issues. They both have behavioural problems, getting into trouble in school - one has been excluded several times. Both are addicted to gaming and obese. Last year one of them displayed signs of self-harm. Their mother ignores all of these issues and seems unwilling to admit they exist, let alone do anything about it.

DH has arranged for them to join a Scouts group to get them out of the house for one evening a week, get some discipline in their lives, help them achieve something and engage in at least one evening of physical activity. They attended one session several months ago and then their mother put a stop to it - claiming their behaviour was too naughty so she was punishing them by stopping them from going. We think the real reason is she can't be arsed driving them there (it's about 20 mins away). They say they have apologised to their mum and have improved their behaviour - yet they still haven't been allowed to go to scouts for months.

I'm frustrated with DH for not pushing the issue more. He has raised it a couple of times with the ex, but she fobs him off. If she insists their behaviour is bad, he can't really challenge that as he doesn't know, and it's her choice how she disciplines them. But I think he could do more by insisting on this issue, and pushing it every single week to ask if they're going to scouts this week.

I feel like I'm the only one who sees the importance in this - and I'm the only one who sees the issues mounting up with everyone turning a blind eye to it. But I'm totally powerless to do anything about it.

I nag DH to talk to the ex, but it causes arguments between us. How do I disengage?

OP posts:
dammit88 · 02/04/2022 13:25

I would focus on the things you can do when you have them. So on the EOW your DH can try and find hobby or activity to do together away from the screens. Cycling, fishing, maybe a gym/club, swimming, cooking, anything they can make it their thing they do together. He can't really control the time that they are with their mum although it is a shame as it is the boys that are suffering. But if he is very concerned then he does im afraid need to put their wellbeing first and move closer, even if that means finding a new job.

LegMeChicken · 02/04/2022 13:25

@WallaceinAnderland

OP you are saying that their mother neglects them, their father won't have them and you don't want them. So you are all as bad as each other.
This. Poor lads.
MzHz · 02/04/2022 13:26

@lonelydad2021

At that age the court will listen to them if they want to move to live with their father.
That’s my impression too

Teens don’t need huge amounts of looking after, guidance mostly and they love their time with you/their dad

If you’re not actually going to consider this, then your nagging dh is a complete waste of time

If the kids want to leave their mum, that’s pretty much all the signs you need to know that things are really hard at home.

If they want to go, she can’t really stop them.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2022 13:27

It does sound like they are not being well parented by their mother, and yes, she chose to move away.

But if your DH cannot move nearer and have 50-50 then he cannot adequately expect to influence what happens day to day. That’s the stark reality.

You could apply for the DC to be main residence with you, but as you say their mother will not agree without a court battle (who would?) and the courts are unlikely to award it if their father will be outsourcing his parenting to others (you and grandparents) the majority of the time.

So you’re wasting your time asking him to be in greater conflict with his ex. You have to either step back, or decide as a family unit that you are so committed to solving this and being a better influence on their lives that you all move closer to the children.

Should you have to: no.
Is it unfair: yes.

But that’s the reality.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2022 13:28

This isn't adding up. The picture you've painted is that their mother is neglecting them thoroughly, and that they want to live with you and are old enough to have a voice. Why then would courts only allow you 2 days in 14?
It seems what you actually want is to have no real responsibility for them, but force the mother to do a better job.

Honor9to5 · 02/04/2022 13:30

He took out an emergency court order to stop her moving?
Wow. And now he's trying to dictate how she parents. I know the type to behaves like this.

Honor9to5 · 02/04/2022 13:33

@arethereanyleftatall

This isn't adding up. The picture you've painted is that their mother is neglecting them thoroughly, and that they want to live with you and are old enough to have a voice. Why then would courts only allow you 2 days in 14? It seems what you actually want is to have no real responsibility for them, but force the mother to do a better job.
This is exactly what my x wanted. He wanted me to live in poverty making 100% of the financial sacrifices and losing 100% of my time. He wanted to keep all of his salary and enjoy all of his free time and stand in judgment of me. The judge tore a strip off him in court but it didn't penetrate his forcefield of delusion. He just doesn't get it and never will because he's so entitled and not overburdened with emotional intelligence.
Abouttimemum · 02/04/2022 13:33

@Maybeitstimeforachange I wouldn’t move my kids hundreds of miles away from their father. She’s in the wrong here, not him.

bellac11 · 02/04/2022 13:37

@Honor9to5

He took out an emergency court order to stop her moving? Wow. And now he's trying to dictate how she parents. I know the type to behaves like this.
To stop the children moving away

Its perfectly legitimate and also to improve the parenting they receive.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 13:38

Why should someone have to move across the country because the ex decided to take the children away? She is in the wrong here, nobody else.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 13:39

@Honor9to5

He took out an emergency court order to stop her moving? Wow. And now he's trying to dictate how she parents. I know the type to behaves like this.
Wouldn't you? If your ex took your children away? I bloody would.
NoSquirrels · 02/04/2022 13:42

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Why should someone have to move across the country because the ex decided to take the children away? She is in the wrong here, nobody else.
He shouldn’t have to. In an ideal world the ex would not have moved their children 200 miles away.

But she did, and he was unable to stop her. So that’s now the reality. Doesn’t matter if she’s wrong, she’s not coming back with them.

So therefore if he wants more access and influence he needs to move.

It’s unfair but it’s what the situation is.

TheBigDilemma · 02/04/2022 13:45

Such a massive example of armchair parenting. You hardly know the kids on a day to day situation but are full of opinions.

The only shot your partner has for the kids to be parented as you both want is for the kids to move with you, sadly neither of you have time, in fact, the mum may have even busier than you two but she is the parent who is present so she gets all the blame.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2022 13:49

Why did the ex move so far away op? You haven't said. Because if (it might not be) it was for a job, then maybe she should be afforded the same freedom awarded to their other parent, of taking any job they can.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 13:49

@Honor9to5

He took out an emergency court order to stop her moving? Wow. And now he's trying to dictate how she parents. I know the type to behaves like this.
Really? I would do the same if my husband left me and tried to move away with the kids.
familyissues12345 · 02/04/2022 13:58

Why did the ex move? I'm assuming it must have been for a very valid reason if your DH didn't get anywhere with going to court?

As your DH works away, is the distance even relevant? He wouldn't see them anyway?

tittlertattler · 02/04/2022 14:02

@WallaceinAnderland

OP you are saying that their mother neglects them, their father won't have them and you don't want them. So you are all as bad as each other.
100% agree
Iloveyourbracelet · 02/04/2022 14:04

She's the one living with this behaviour day in, day out. Maybe she's ground down by it. I imagine she's not particularly willing to put herself to the effort of taking them to an activity of their fathers choosing on her own time, when their behaviour is appalling. Perhaps she has a point. If their behaviour were to improve she would take them so the choice is really down to them. dh is paying for it yeah but he hasn't actually got to expend any effort at all to get them there does he. She is expected to but she doesn't feel like they deserve to be rewarded.

bellac11 · 02/04/2022 14:06

@familyissues12345

Why did the ex move? I'm assuming it must have been for a very valid reason if your DH didn't get anywhere with going to court?

As your DH works away, is the distance even relevant? He wouldn't see them anyway?

Its fairly rare that a court will prevent someone moving, it would need extreme reasons to put an order in for that, the law expects most issues to be dealt with without orders or oversight of the court and if the children were not put at risk by moving, then no court is going to intervene.

The father may well have wanted to push harder but is likely to have been portrayed by mothers solicitor as being controlling or unreasonable to try to prevent it.

Iloveyourbracelet · 02/04/2022 14:06

Problem is - that will only work if she actually allows them to go. At the moment she's using the excuse that she's punishing them for their behaviour. If she just admitted that she didn't want to give up her evening to take them - then DH can solve that with a taxi. But if she insists she wont take them because it's their fault - then he can't fix that

He could have a word with them about the way they are treating their mother?

TheBigDilemma · 02/04/2022 14:07

[quote Abouttimemum]@Maybeitstimeforachange I wouldn’t move my kids hundreds of miles away from their father. She’s in the wrong here, not him.[/quote]
Me neither, I really tried my hardest to keep my son near to his dad completely against my son’s and my own best interests, needs and convenience. A father is such an important person in a child life…

I wish I hadn’t, as it was not in the best interest of my son, his dad was traveling all the time or working long hours, his sweet partner turned into a nasty bitchy stepparent resenting being left with the responsibility of caring for a child that wasn’t hers in the few days he spent with them, DS was feeling so rejected he always came back from contact tearful, upset and very hungry as in all the drama they were not even feeding him well. At some point the school got Social Services involved after a few things that happened under their care, The exH and his partner then decided they were the victims, stopped contact forever and obviously they have been telling everyone for years it is me who is not allowing contact.

And all the time I was there enabling my child being neglected and hurt by the pair because it is important for kids to have their dad around.

I will never forgive myself.

bellac11 · 02/04/2022 14:07

@Iloveyourbracelet

She's the one living with this behaviour day in, day out. Maybe she's ground down by it. I imagine she's not particularly willing to put herself to the effort of taking them to an activity of their fathers choosing on her own time, when their behaviour is appalling. Perhaps she has a point. If their behaviour were to improve she would take them so the choice is really down to them. dh is paying for it yeah but he hasn't actually got to expend any effort at all to get them there does he. She is expected to but she doesn't feel like they deserve to be rewarded.
Jesus, going to scouts or doing extra curricular developmental groups/clubs is not 'reward'. Its for their benefit.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 14:08

@arethereanyleftatall

Why did the ex move so far away op? You haven't said. Because if (it might not be) it was for a job, then maybe she should be afforded the same freedom awarded to their other parent, of taking any job they can.
But the difference is she took his children away. He didn't take her children from her.
FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 14:09

his sweet partner turned into a nasty bitchy stepparent resenting being left with the responsibility of caring for a child that wasn’t hers in the few days he spent with them not her fault. He was a dick for putting her in that position.

RandomMess · 02/04/2022 14:10

I would suggest they come for the full 6 weeks or so of summer holidays to see what they think after weeks of very limited internet use, getting pulled up on poor behaviour etc.

If they still want to live with you both then it would be something to consider facilitating.