Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

That sounds really difficult @Themadcatparade. I’m so sorry you’ve had some emotionally valuable jewellery stolen. How do you think your husband would react if you involved the police?

In the immediate term, I think you are going to need to put a lock on your bedroom door and make sure your SD has no access to your room/things. Her father is going to have to ensure he keeps the door locked too.

But that’s simply a plaster over a really horrendous situation. I have no idea how you fix the underlying issue around your SD and her mum and the weird agenda they have about your things. Or how your DH does. Has he said what he’s going up do to stop this?

Ultimately, you can’t survive long term by having to keep locking things away in your home. No one should have to do that.

@Themadcatparade Bloody hell, how awful!

That's really strange behaviour from the mother - why did she message your DPs parents to ask if it came from them, only to flat out deny that it could have been? Doesn't add up either if she does know where it came from, or if she doesn't. And if she's basically accused your DPs mum of lying, is there not an active argument at play there now? Does she have a good relationship with them?

I agree about putting a lock on your door. But beyond that it seems your DPs mum needs to now put her foot down and insist it is hers. What can DSD's mum say to that?

@Themadcatparade
I remember your post last year. I'm so sorry to read things haven't gotten any better (although how could they possibly with a belligerent ex like that in the picture?)
I know locks on doors and safes were suggested last year but I think I would just be refusing to have her in my house anymore to be perfectly honest. You are a victim of crime and she is the criminal. It's not on that you should have to have her in your supposed safe place. Fuck that and all who sail in her.
How workable that would be and the consequences for your marriage are another discussion. But you shouldn't have to live like this - you matter too.

Thank you for the replies all, I’m on pins today i just feel so anxious over it. I really despise the woman for all the trouble she causes, and it’s against my character to have so much anger in me towards another person.

DP is mortified. He agrees a ban from our room is necessary, it just shouldn’t have to be the case. He’s said that he will punish accordingly but I’m very tempted to take something of DSCs, of value, until the ring is returned. DSC is here next tomorrow, and I have an activity on meaning I won’t see them. I’m glad, because I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep my shit.

As for banning them from our home, We can’t do that. For context, the child is 9. If they were in their late teens I’d feel very different about it all together!

It’s a very strange tactic but she has done similar things and posted pictures online or messaged grandparents knowing information will get back to us - she is very manipulative in that way and the way it’s all panned out is very strange. She’s been known to copy my online presence and buy things that I own as well, and we have caught DSC taking pictures of things in our home like our Christmas tree etc due to the mothers influence. About two week ago, DSC started acting strange around me. As though they were watching me and very wary. I said at the time to DP I bet her mum has been saying things as a scare tactic again, it’s happened regularly where DSC’s behaviour has changed whether it’s bad behaviour, withdrawal from us (usually me), wetting the bed etc. Then we have found out that the mother has been telling DSC lies etc which has linked to the behaviour.

About a month ago, due to her snooping on my social media - she made herself believe I was pregnant and went the roof (I wasn’t, I was celebrating a new job and she made herself believe what she wanted to believe). Threatened my partner with solicitor (?!), spreaded the rumour about, got close to my own DC’s father to the point she was visiting his home regularly and trying to befriend my DC, told my ex lies about my DP being abusive and it caused all sorts of chaos. I had DSC saying to me ‘my mum told me to tell you she knows you are pregnant’ and made the children believe it as well. Ever since she’s been awful!

But most importantly DSC has been weird towards me and it’s been obvious. Friday and Saturday they were really quiet and teary, and then around lunchtime Saturday I caught them in our room near the container where the ring was kept.

Im pretty certain if a 9 year old child was to steal, it would be a spontaneous on the moment decision. Not a planned one. Which makes me think it’s been influenced.

I’ve tried googling if it is an actual crime if an adult uses a child to steal in the U.K. and what my rights are over it but it’s that much of a bizarre situation I can’t find anything that can even advise me properly.

@aSofaNearYou she has a strained relationship with my DP’s parents. They don’t like her, know what she’s like but DP’s mum is very soft when it comes to her because she’s scared of her, and frightened of her taking her grandchild away from her. I can fully well imagine that even if she said it was her ring, she won’t get it back.

@Youseethethingis1 that would be my instinct if it were me. But I’m worn down by being told that having an expectation that my home be my safe place is me being unreasonable, and I must ‘accept’ (shut up and put up with) SC so often.

My experience of deciding enough is enough and saying ‘not in my house’ has been of it ensuring the end of everything. It turns out that I don’t matter in my own home (even after it’s no longer my H’s home). So I guess I’m slightly wary of advising others to do the same - it feels like pressing the big red button!

And I assume most people aren’t looking to end their relationship - even despite all the shit that comes with stepfamilies.

The 9 year old can’t commit a crime. But her mother can use her to do so herself, I’d imagine.

The woman sounds deranged. Befriending your ex is just indicative of a woman with precisely no reasonable boundaries.

I've been on this board a lot as my ex wants to try again - and I've been reminded of all the reasons why I never ever want to be in that situation ever again!

Pitchforks, you have given so much to dsd, so much. You've been so kind and even lost your dog. I'm so glad your dp is on your side right now.

Madcat - ring the police and tell your dh that she isn't welcome in your home until this is dealt with. What a nasty piece of work her mum is.

Fish - you've been through so much. I hope you find some peace. I'd echo the posters advice about being difficult with contact as I'd not want my toddler anywhere near him or his dc. I remember your post about shielding your baby from the blocks being thrown. He has no care for his youngest at all. Fuck him.

@Themadcatparade what in all that is fecking holy. Agree with others re safe lock on door but it's the violation on your home being a safe place is what makes that solution feel crap.

This ex sounds actually batty. Batty with a capital B. Would your DP mum say I want the ring returned or in contact police ? If the grandparents have a existing relationship legally speaking they can get contact through the courts and do have some rights, which if they don't have close contact with the grandchildren they have 0 rights. It would be a fight though granted.

Part of me would screw with this womens head. What did your ex say when you told him about her and her trying to brefriend your Dc ?!! To me this feels like stalking.

I would contact the police show them the messages and get them to return the ring. I imagine the police showing up at her door maybe enough to shake this women into releasing the possession. I wouldn't tell the ex wife they were coming either.

Sounds like she's used to control, and flexing through the kids. I'm so sorry love.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I agree with you but you know I think you have to take the risk and gamble or risk becoming a shadow in your own home.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Its put me on an awful position as if I get the police involved then DSC will take some fall for it - even if it’s just from the mother. As much as I’m absolutely fuming and hurt at DSC and I can’t believe it’s happening again, I understand that they are put through a lot via their mother and in some ways I’m not surprised they have acted up the way they have. I can see a lot of behaviours they have been passed down to DSC from the mother, lying is a big one, being manipulative is a big one and now stealing has happened way more than a handful of times it’s a shame.

Other than that, I’ve been running around spending my money, my own time, sacrificing work for school runs for my DSC as selfish and as horrible as it sounds - now I’ve been treated like this i honestly feel like fucking off my step parenting role because it’s starting to take it’s toll and I feel like a mug. I don’t put myself out there and give my all to get a valuable possession stole out of my own bedroom! I got in trouble with work yesterday and having to make a lot of time up today which has also influenced my DC’s pick up time because of DSC’s behaviour before the school run yesterday over some socks they was weird and teary over changing. We have now concluded the event was probably related to the ring and they got so worked up over changing a pair of socks because that’s how the ring was smuggled out. Getting in trouble with work because I was too busy of a mug accommodating a theft I knew nothing about!

You can ring the police and tell them you don't want dsd to be criminalised but that you want your possession back and them to have a strong word with dsd and her awful mum.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers i know it’s utterly absurd.

I have already previously filed a report for stalking behaviour about two years ago, although not to the police. It was to a stalking agency who advised the police but as I didn’t want to cause any more drama with DSC and DP (access trouble he had to go to court twice over it) I didn’t. I have evidence though and I messaged her own partner to warn him if she doesn’t stop I’m contacting the police, he’s a police officer himself. After that she toned down a bit but she denied everything I told him.

It’s getting to that level of crazy again and I’m fucking sick of it. I can’t prove she made my DSC do it, but I would not put it past her.

Oh I think stopping all the SM ‘duties’ and running around is absolutely the right thing to do. Stop paying for things, arranging your work around it, everything.

(Although my experience is that stopping doing all that also provoked the kind of nonresident father victimhood that proves relationship ending).

@SnowWhitesSM Don’t go back there. Your life is in such a better place now. You don’t need to return to it.

Catching up after a couple of days away.

@Themadcatparade how awful. I’ve had this happen with eldest SD. Had no physical proof but we went through a phase of her stealing and there was no one else it could be.

Did you say SD was 9? If so, she’s beneath the age of criminal responsibility. I would
contact the police. If you’re concerned that the mother is putting her up to this then she can be held responsible. It’s a form of abuse. She’s forcing her child to knowingly commit a criminal act. If you have evidence via messages, even better. Why should the mother get away with it?

speaking about Stepmonster. It was from
reading this book that my eyes were opened and I decided to disengage. My DH isn’t a fan of the author either.
It’s eye opening and an essential read for any step-parent.

My ex didn't like step monster either. Probably because my feelings were considered normal instead of how he tried frame it!

No way am I going back Fish! I almost wobbled but I've looked through this board and my old threads and no way am I losing myself and fucking up my MH again over a man who can't grasp that being a team with your wife isn't your wife being on the outside and bending to every whim of the ex - cos the kids come first innit 🙄- not my dc though, just his poor poor little lamb.

I feel like this book is something I should seriously consider reading!

Thank you for all the support and the advice today it’s made my reaction and feelings towards it all feel very valid.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander
You are going to have a much better life once this split is sorted out though, I have no doubt that you absolutely did the right thing for yourself and your children in pushing that red button.
FWIW I banned my 9 year old DSD from our house in the full knowledge that it could be the end of my marriage so I'm not saying to do anything I'd not do myself.
It was early 2020, Covid still scary and unknown, no sign of vaccines etc. I was heavily pregnant and absolutely not taking a word of any literature that said I wasn't a higher risk if I caught Covid seriously. Quite rightly, as it turns out, although it was obvious all along IMO.
Anyway, we found out that DSDs mum had taken her to a family reunion in London of all places (we are in Scotland) and had been merrily gallivanting all over with her, perfectly happy to expose DSD to the world and their Granny then send her to stay in the home of a heavily pregnant woman. Errr nope!
Told DH she couldn't come until baby was born, I didn't care what everyone else wanted, my baby and I needed to be safe in our home and if he though his 9 year old and ex girlfriend needed him more that his pregnant wife and 10 month old baby he was welcome to fuck off.
That baby was stillborn and I nearly died. If he had been off pandering to his ex rather than with me it would categorically have been the end of our marriage.

@Youseethethingis1 just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your baby 💐 I can't imagine how isolating that must have been, at least when I lost my bubs the world was still open as such.

I think you were one of the champions when I had the whole covid debacles post when I was pregnant with DS and fucking terrified out of my head. Thank you for reminding me that I wasn't losing the plot and ok to keep self sane when the wolves descended to tell me I clearly hated my DSD because I wanted to follow clinical guidance.

I think it's was you @SnowWhitesSM who recommended stepmonster book in the first place. I have been throwing it in on every thread I can because it helped me and I have you to thank !

Step families are hard but made impossible if your DH won't support you as a team.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Yes, I was all over your previous thread. I absolutely despise these posters who are so blinkered they feel it's alright to tell another woman she and her children deserve no respect or consideration in her own life and home so I do tend to be like a dog with a bone when that shit starts 😂
When your baby dies, there is no "at least" to make it better. But I suppose at least I didn't have to start looking up divorce lawyers when I got out of hospital as DH did get over his initial outrage and realise I was actually being very reasonable in my expectations.

@Youseethethingis1 ahh good I'm glad I wasn't remembering it thank you so much (it really bloody helped)! I have to say all you lovely guys came out on my thread that post on here now and I can't thank you enough. My mind was literally running in v dark places and I just kept thinking oh god not again

I'm pretty much anxiety ball now re pregnancy and birth after my first ...and I was worried it clouding my judgement (because people kept telling me to relax and it won't happen again and covid would be fine). DH was very straight down the line on keeping us safe which I was grateful but still people were v concerned when we told them the impact it would have on DSD. She wasn't permanently scarred shock horror. But that didn't stop people from acting like she would be.

I think the problem is that people have a hard time thinking a step mum might on some occasions have to put themselves first. Which is why people come down on it like hell fire.

I'm glad you didn't have to divorce DH after the matter, I divorced my ex because he simply couldn't deal and that's without SC involved.

Also update on my drama.

Had the meeting with mum and SF re DSD and it was so validating. SF basically said yup I have seen all of that, we have that too and was helping mum to come to terms with what we were saying. We have found a psychologist and we will get her booked in. Mums worried she will start escalating because she won't want to go (which she may as she already sees someone but we need not a councillor at this point) but has agreed this is best course of action and understands my actions re DD.

Has anyone taken their child to see a psychotherapist? My DSD is incredibly smart and has this nasty habit of lying or agreeing to whatever's suggested and I'm worried either she will mute up (say nothings wrong) or latch on to first thing that will be said, or worse still say what they want to hear ?

Please share the good the bad and the ugly. I nearly did a name change and post on parenting to ask for experiences in this area removing the sc element.

It’s terrible how such truly awful circumstances can be so polarising. People either step up and support you or they are really, really unhelpful. It happens on MN all the time - it seems to bring out some of the nastiest, least caring people imaginable (who, with absolutely no sense of irony, are busy screaming about empathy for the SC). It’s just unacceptable. And MNHQ really don’t do enough to stop it.

I am so sorry for both your losses. It’s so hard. I cannot imagine how terrible it must be to lose a baby at term. And I’m glad your husband did manage to support you @Youseethethingis1.

My experience of miscarriage was entirely the opposite. I miscarried very early but in hideous circumstances where my husband - who up until the point that I was actually pregnant - had been going on about a sibling for DS etc but, because I’d started to put boundaries in place to protect me and DS from his children’s dreadful behaviour (which was ruining our lives), he’d switched to being absolutely adamant that he had too many children and a pregnancy would be the worst thing ever. All because the children from his first marriage were being a nightmare and I had realised that I didn’t have to be the skivvy-come-scapegoat for that.

So I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a husband who I couldn’t even tell because he was so difficult. And all because of the stepfamily shit. He’s have pressured me into an abortion I didn’t want. The context there is that he has openly mocked my personal views that abortion is not an option for me (unless lives are at stake). And his ex ‘accidentally’ got pregnant with their eldest very early on (after finding out he earned nearly £100k, coincidentally) and offered an abortion. She’d done the same thing to her previous boyfriend (who’d gone with the abortion). So it was an extremely loaded situation indeed!

Then I had a miscarriage and still couldn’t say anything because I could not face being told it was for the best etc. So I miscarried alone and with no support. When I did tell him about it, he firstly accused me of having had an abortion. And also reiterated the too many children/too many problems (with the SC). And painted me as the villain for not having told him. To this day he’s shown precisely no empathy over any of this towards me.

Obviously, after that point, it was all
fucked. There is absolutely no way for me to feel anything but resentment towards the SC - resentment that is exacerbated by their father prioritising them over our toddler and failing to protect him from them (throwing blocks at a baby anyone?). This is entirely my husband’s fault. He has allowed his children to become a threat to my family, and the reason it doesn’t even matter that my baby died. I don’t care how early it was; it was still my baby and to have that dismissed because of the children he had with a woman who tricked him into the pregnancy (and where he was too stupid to take action to prevent that).

People show you who they are in situations like that. My husband showed me very clearly that he’s a truly terrible person who
absolutely is not on my team in any way.

I’m so glad the SF was able to be so helpful and is managing DSD’s mother. He must be so frustrated with the awful behaviour too.

I think, when a child is having a mental health assessment like this, the psychologist/psychiatrist should be talking to the parents (and other adults involved) separately to the child. The history of lying and manipulating counsellors is extremely relevant to any diagnosis.

I hope it is helpful. You are definitely doing the right thing here. For everyone involved. If nothing else, your SD absolutely required intervention before it gets to the point that she does something with serious consequences that will be dealt with through the criminal justice system. She’s already shown she’s a risk to animals and young children, and lacks empathy or remorse; she needs to be saved from herself if possible.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander firstly and most importantly I'm so so so sorry you lost your baby and had a bellend of a H.

Honestly I have found loss, shows people for who they are, the good the bad and the ugly. My ex couldn't stand that I was a shell of my former self so had to go shag around as I didn't give him enough attention. Weirdly now I don't blame him and he ended up catching my now DD step mum and god I love her. She will always be to good for him so I tell him at every point I can lol. Simply he couldn't be who I needed. One of griefs lessons.

Your situation sounds unbearable love. I have to say you deserve better. Please don't believe him when he says otherwise!