Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

Thanks @pitchforksandflamethrowers .

I really do admire your incredible empathy skills to be able to see situations that have been (and are) so harmful to you personally in this way. Most people would not be able to describe their ex the way you do if he’d been so awful to them. He still comes across as a total arse, but you have managed to reduce him from supervillain to merely a useless twat.

Same with the situation with you SD. You are so measured and fair about it. I don’t think I’d be able to be as calm or fair as you are being.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander
💐You have been through the mill. He is not worth it. Almost whatever it takes, he needs to be out of your life. What is it with men that they can hide who they are until you are in bone deep?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Good that finally the SM is getting to the same page as you. I think DSD needs both a psychologist and a psychiatrist for years to come, but one step at a time. Maybe a dietitian too. Teenage food choices can make brain allergies worse - deeply evil moods can be exacerbated by food allergies.

I think it’s much easier for them to hide things until you’re in bone deep in stepfamily situations.

You put off even meeting the kids until you’re totally attached. You then only see limited glimpses of what’s really going on there, and all the mess is too easily swept under the carpet before you arrive. Or it’s attributable to the horrible ex (who may well be horrible, but the focus on this means you miss the ways that he’s fuelling it all). You don’t move in together until it’s really serious and, once you have it’s even harder to back out of because the children involved need stability. So you don’t see the reality until it’s far too late.

In my case, it was also that I’d never really needed anything until I was pregnant. I was probably the ideal partner for him - own house, own car, career, life sorted out. He was the one that was a mess and needed support. So I really wasn’t aware that he felt entitled to it in the way he does or that he’d not just utterly fail to reciprocate but actively make things worse for me.

I only discovered that when I needed him - and he simply wasn’t there for me. I needed him to put me and our newborn baby first at the end of pregnancy/while recovering from an EMCS. He was too preoccupied with his contact arrangements and ensuring his other kids were taken out and had fun - to the extent of insisting that I drag myself around parks looking after the newborn who wouldn’t be put down and breastfed constantly while his kids played. He was too concerned with seeing his daughter who was supposed to be self isolating to protect his tiny newborn and me (so he had her come to stay while she was supposed to be isolating in that first covid winter). He was too busy feeling sorry for himself about his horribly behaved children to support me through miscarriage. And so on.

I didn’t realise it because circumstances had never arisen when I was vulnerable and needed support from him, and the needs of stepfamilies meant that I was married, and had a baby before it came to light.

Add to that all the reasons why men manage to hide this crap til all women are ‘stuck’…

I’m trying to learn not to be too hard on myself for having gotten into this mess. If I think it through as someone else’s life, I can totally see that she wouldn’t have been an idiot to end up in this situation. But it’s harder to apply that to myself.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I have to say empathy for me was a taught lesson. Repeated over and over by what can only be described as a series of unfortunate/cruel events. If you don't struggle you cannot empathise with those struggling, sympathise yes but not have empathy. That said those unfortunate events meant I can as a adult the ability to emotionally switch off and it's amazing what you see when not completely driven by emotion. My DH is the reverse drives me mad actually but he has a lot of feelings 🙄! Funny what you pick in a partner isn't it.

I do not say this is a good thing (or recommending as healthy) but I have to take the positives where I can . It's not that lack any emotions, so much as I have less of them than the average bear (probably some ND in me if you looked hard enough).

It's almost freeing not carrying around all the weight of all the emotions that lead me to dark corners. I was not also not like this when I first found he was shagging around, time healed that along with a lot of therapy and hard work. If you can be empathetic to others you tend to be empathetic with yourself. Everyone has a side. It's whether if that side is reasonable.

My ex is a bumbling idiot and was a crappy husband but underneath that he was my friend, and he's a good dad. It wasn't a great time and I can't say me or him were out "best selves".

Also the more I read I really really want you to get out. Easier said than done granted. Esp against a high earner, my advice take tiny steps towards leaving even if the game plan is to leave when DC is older. Squirrel money away, take training in area you would like to work. Take up a hobby that remind you of who you are. Don't let yourself be isolated. Isolation is a killer.

@SpaceshiptoMars how did you know we also have a massive issue with food with DSD 😉 it's on the list but frankly we need to get to the root of this downright anti social behaviour or the food behaviour will not change.

Lots of big hugs needed all round. Some massively tough stuff going on with so many. When you get through this, you are going to be (even more) immense. You all sound like the rock your families are built on.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Well, I have some experience. Not only the DSCs, but my own young relatives have had absurd diets. Constipation and migraines only add to the problems of bad moods and being frankly horrible!

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander
I can relate to your situation so much.
The first time I became pregnant, it was a shock to us both. The first words out of his mouth wasn’t to check how I felt etc. It was ‘I’m just so worried about SS’. That should have been an alarm bell for me. I literally felt so bloody guilty that I looked into an abortion. Then after a chat with his sister who reassured him SS would be ok etc, he said we should keep it. As fate would have it, I ended up miscarrying. In that heartbreak, I just became obsessed with being pregnant again and ignored everything that had just happened.
Two months later and I was pregnant again. We were living with my Mum while house hunting. We’d both ferry back and forth to in-laws for his contact weekends. I was so bloody stupid not to put my foot down with my own needs. It got to the point where I was too heavily pregnant and exhausted so needed to be in my own home. Did his contact change? Nope. Somehow, I stupidly agreed that once baby was born, we’d all still ferry back and forth. As it happens, I ended up having an EMCS like yourself. Did his contact change to help me out? Nope. I had to cope alone while he fucked off to the in-laws. This continued until we had to move into in-laws a few months later while our house purchase went though.
I haven’t forgiven him for all of that. Just reading your post made it all come flooding back. It makes me so sad to have those early baby day memories tarnished by an overwhelming feeling of being alone. I have mentioned this to him briefly before. He says he knows it was wrong but did pop back (with SS in tow) during the day for a few hours to help. One of these ‘helpful’ occasions was the first meeting between SS and baby. One where I insisted that SS wear a mask because his Mum was out constantly during the pandemic so Covid was a very real threat. I came into the room to find SS not wearing a mask and holding baby. The reason, he cried in the car because he didn’t want to wear a mask. I was so devastated, I went upstairs to cry in my bedroom and my prick of a husband couldn’t understand why I was so terrified. Then after that, they left. Leaving me to feel like the worst mother in the world who didn’t speak up and protect by baby.
Sorry for the long post but it feels validating to actually write that out!

Ladies I'm actually so very distressed reading some of your experiences. You are all amazing for all the crap you have put up with at the hands of feckless partners & their Disney dadding. Truly - you amaze me with your resilience.
I was in my 40's when I met exdp & I honestly think the only reason I didn't have a child with him is my exh had had another dc & my own dc were really struggling & I felt the time wasn't right.

On the one hand I am very sorry I didn't have another child but I am also grateful as I think exdp would have behaved like so many of your partners and would have left me to do everything while he bolstered up the first family.
This may make me sound hypocritical as my own dc struggled with their dad having more dc but I do believe dc can be supported through these changes without them being let rule the roost & dictate everything.
To this day my exdp's attitude to his dc bewilders me - he accepted behaviours from them that he accepted from no other person (child or adult) no matter what the circumstances.
As I've said before we chat from time to time & the latest is he has a 22 yr old & a 19 yr old living with him full time. Neither are in college and neither show an inclination to work & both have cars fully funded by exdp. How he couldn't see this coming given his treatment of them is beyond me & this is his life now. I can't see any woman tolerating getting with a man whose adult dc are behaving like 12 year olds.
I genuinely think that any dynamic where there is a nasty ex in the background should be a major red flag as it's a rare man who can distance himself from that crap & parent sanely. I assumed the nasty ex was just a nasty ex & it took me ages to realise that a nasty ex is (generally) a signifier of a far reaching family dynamic that has been in place for years.

@Magda72 I'm not sure in my case at least if it's less resilience and more utter madness and hope on steroids. Even though we have a plan and back of of mum and SF on the other side, I'm genuinely concerned that things aren't going to get better with DSD or worse DSD starts lying to psychologicalist and it has awful ramification for my family. But I will try but I feel backed into a corner as I will not risk my kids period and if that means splitting from DH I will.

It's interesting though that any life event seems to prompt similar reactions from so many men.

Update on anyone who cares

😭😭😭 mind is blown. Just had call with mum yesterday as we needed a plan that if DSD hurts baby/animals on contact weekend that we would take her back to her mums and need to get it agreed.

Mum suggested that we take DSD out for pizza as a family.

@SpaceshiptoMars you have some knowledge in this and I need your advice on something DSD said to mum which was mum explained she can't be left alone with kids due to hurting them and DSD said she's upset and glad she's not coming to contact soon. There doesn't seem to be any acknowledgment that it was her actions that caused this.

I can't wrap my head around it. I suspect she's going to say well I don't want to go around there anymore if I can't do what I want. Which is bonkers.

I'm actually fucking floored.

Oh god @pitchforksandflamethrowers. I don’t think there is anything you CAN do at this point. Your DSD sounds really scary, if I’m honest. No empathy, no remorse, not even an acknowledgement that her actions are the problem. Just she doesn’t want to come if it’s not fun for her.

What has your DH said? I suspect he’s going to have to come to terms with his eldest child not coming and not being part of the family because it’s just not safe for the younger children.

Has SD’s mum gone back into denial mode?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I would want this conversation with DSD myself if it were me. It's intensely upsetting for Mum, and she may be projecting her own hurt onto DSD. DSD might just be doing teenage arseyness - oppositionally defiant - just because. Don't want to think about it - just push it back, didn't want it anyway.

If it were me had hurt a baby or an animal, I'd find it very hard to go there mentally. My brain would kind of skid away from it and it would need iron self-discipline to face it and myself. Whether that applies to a child that hasn't developed a conscience yet, who can say? It may be more of a "stop bugging me about it and leave me alone reaction".

I was the young child on the end of this type of treatment from an older child (some ASD there). That child grew up to do a very responsible job for many years - but had psychotic episodes every now and then. I saw one of these beginning, and the look in that person's eyes terrified me.

And we definitely do care @pitchforksandflamethrowers.

i wish you weren’t going through this.

Mum suggested that we take DSD out for pizza as a family.

What's the plan here? Mum will be on guard, an extra pair of eyes, to ensure DSD doesn't get a quick jab in at the toddler? Or is it just let's make nice for DSD and keep feeding her more of that white flour and tomato paste diet that is so so good for her? (You may note a weary voice of experience in that...)

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I feel guilty for consistently posting since I feel like I'm flooding the tread and it's not just me that's struggling (I'm probably coming across so badly) I'm just going mad😵‍💫😵‍💫 your fair to kind and everyones support is invaluable to me !

DH so he surprised me with being really good actually this. I think mum is flipping between maybe she will want to be part of the family if it's Uber fun and gets to do fun stuff when she's there and likes to add a dollop of "tell DSD you love her" as she's upset. Like that will magically stop her acting like this. And the other spectrum oh fuck this is bad. Hard to say the former if you know we have bent over backwards to include her and it's DSD saying no thank you. Denial the strongest emotion some times

@SpaceshiptoMars I can hear the weariness in your voice ! Would you be kind enough to share the episode you saw ? Honestly I'm a bit unnerved tbh. Although she's Not NT I don't think that's what these episodes are about.

DSD has certainly pushed it to the back of mind. She flat out could have convinced me if I hadn't seen some of this stuff with own eyes she hadn't done it.I don't entirely blame mum for that she's really convincing. Truly she would be able to convince you the sky is green. It's amazing and actually more than a little scary tbh

And spaceships it's the latter feed some of that good high sugar approach mum seems to think will solve all problems.

Our suggested plan was if something happens we tell her it's not acceptable and instead of DSD and DH disappearing to a fun hotel/carvan ect actually DSD is returned back to mum and we try again next time when contacts due. She said seems to want to isolate DH from the family so this is the only thing we think might work. It's less about her spending time with DH, and more get DH is away from me DD and DC (she's said as much to DH, his look was something when she said it) mums not thrilled tbh (and I don't blame her) but she's not as fussed about the indents more about the inconvenience of this plan. It it may prompt her to be more on it ect.

Sounds like a v evil step mother but dammed animals should be able to live in the house without being hurt. I can almost see the narrative of me being evil now being created but my line is kids getting hurt. DSD truly doesn't get why this wrong. What DH does about contact is irrelevant to me because it won't be happening at my house if kids about period. I can't risk their safety but this plan is his choice and frankly since she's so unfazed to any punishment this may work.

I can't fucking understand though why now ? Why after a baby. I must have lost the plot to think this wouldn't happen. I'm

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

It was such a tiny thing, and I think I was triggered from my childhood. The adult them did a small, nasty selfish thing and told me they'd done it, knowing it would upset me. Just something small and mean that left a bad taste in the mouth. Anyway, it was the look in the eyes when they told me. A creeping look of craftiness and cruelty. It said 'I did this. Ha, Ha. You couldn't stop me." Like inside the responsible adult there's still a very cruel child that comes out to play sometimes. I was all over the place for months after that, and it seems such a small thing.

And yet this person has led an excellent life, benefiting lots of people. Most people thought they were a good egg, albeit distinctly eccentric. And 99.9% of the time, they are. But they were even more eccentric than usual leading up to the incident above.

It sounds very tricky @pitchforksandflamethrowers

I think if I was you I'd like a safety plan drawn up, between both houses and involve dsd.

If you write down three things - in a child centered way, like -

We are very scared that dsd will feel lots of big feelings that make her feel sad which might lead to her making animals and smaller children feel sad and hurt again.

We are worried that if dsd acts on these feelings these people will get seriously hurt.

We are worried that if dsd acts on these feelings dsd will feel more lonely/pushed out and feel more sad.

Then work out what to do if dsd feels these feelings, what she should do, who she could ring (put childline number down for her) make up a cross box with things she can rip up to get those feelings out, make a worry box that she can write her worries down in and some sensory toys. Write that on the plan.

Then write down what each adult will do and who they will tell.

Get it laminated in both houses for adults and dsd.

Going off on a complete tangent here, but is DSD very tomboyish? Is the new baby the one and only boy? Does she feel her status diminished by THE SON? Does she have gender questions? Perhaps an unexpressed wish she'd been born a boy?

Oops, the above for @pitchforksandflamethrowers

If she’s secondary aged and ND in the current cultural context, then she may well be particularly drawn to the trans stuff and may feel threatened by a boy.

@SpaceshiptoMars ahhh that situation you mentioned is ringing alarm bells and I'm sorry you went through that.

So yes DSD is quite tomboyish but no so far that I have a question mark on it. She's had boyfriends (nothing like real bf) it wouldn't surprise me if she came out as gay. I'm not overly concerned about that as she knows we don't give a fig as long as she's happy . She did say she would prefer not a girl (lucky it's a boy) when she was haranguing us for a sibling.

But I suspect it's the attention or lack of sole attention she's struggling with. She's used to having the whole room pay attention (not just one person) so even when doing one on one thing with dad will still want my involvement (even if she can see I'm up to my ears in newborn and toddlersdom)

I think it's really down to the issue of she wants her parents back together and now baby is here she won't ever be a only child again even if we divorce.

@SnowWhitesSM that's exactly the plan although I'm guessing there will be a rebellion

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

DSD might find this useful:

www.amazon.co.uk/Therapeutic-Grounding-Regulating-Treasures-Collection/dp/1785925296

There are a couple of others in the collection too.

I also wonder if DSD would know what a feeling was unless it bit her. She might be being bullied/excluded by other girls, but because she is feisty she doesn't actually realize. She can stand up for herself physically, but mocking, exclusion etc can continue nevertheless. It penetrates under the radar, but if you don't understand it, you can't label it.

@SpaceshiptoMars this is really help spaceships thank you !

She absolutely wouldn't recognise it. However if bullying was persistent she would get it. You would have to be Uber blunt for her to realise. There is certainly a thing that I'm not sure she would care.
When she cares she gets a bit obsessive over it (I have been on receiving end when she split up with her "bf" and he didn't give her a reason. She asked me 100times and asked mum to text his mum to find out why (obviously mum didn't do that) he may have told her ... but she didn't pick up on it

I also have a update. Not one that fills me with great hope tbh.

Her back from psychotherapist. He's basically said that DSD would have to want to engage in psychotherapy which I know in my bones she won't want to. From her perspective why would she, she doesn't want to change her behaviour.

So we are in a catch 22, we are going to have a session with all the adults to see if he can offer some solutions ect. Frustrating I can see this going down the whole spend more time with DSC and as a family but any time we spend with her is either one on one with dad or as a family and up until recently it was nearly a 50/50 split. I also don't want to put my DD or DS at risk.

Going to go bash my head into a wall tbh.