Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

@SpaceshiptoMars my mother after observing my dsis for a while & having gone back over stuff in her head was absolutely convinced that dsis was determined to get the other kids into trouble. As an adult dsis also admits that was her sole motive. She didn't like how close the older two siblings were & resolved to get them into trouble.
My point is not that all kids are awful and dangerously manipulative but that kids can be manipulative from a very young age and as @pitchforksandflamethrowers has recently commented younger children & teens don't tend to get diagnosed with disorders due to brain plasticity. Therefore it can be hard to tell where exactly the manipulative tendencies will lead.
My dsis was very firmly taken in hand & is now a very 'normal' & loving adult but she is still a very dominant character & much of what we do & how we behave - in terms of being an extended family - revolves around her. With different parenting she may have been a far less 'nice' adult if you see what I mean.
I'm not for one minute saying my eg is anything like what others are experiencing here but I'm not sure all disorders are necessarily innate.
My exh is a classic NPD - fits all the criteria. However I don't believe he was always like that. I knew him as a kid, a teen & a young adult. Maybe the seed was always there, but life experiences and the way his family of origin reacted to things massively impacted his response to trauma to the extent that he 'gradually' developed Narcissism which then exploded with a bang after another traumatic incident.
I think the biggest roadblocks the likes of @pitchforksandflamethrowers & @NightOwl101 are facing is that if the child in question has two parents who are not on the same page (ie one parent who is then undermining the fears of the other) the potential for the disordered tendencies to grow legs is massive, especially given that parents in conflict (& family disruption) is also giving the child/young person in question massive amounts of (negative) attention which is exactly what the child/young person wants.

@SpaceshiptoMars so a kind "friend" told me with personality disorder- watch out for cruelty to animals, obsession with fire and bed wetting in teen years . I have no idea whether it's sudioscience and it's her area of expertise (apparently - I don't much like her tbh) and it panicked me a tad. Along with her conversations re pain, death and do insects feel pain. It just niggles.

Re bed wetting - doctors have gone through all medical things it could be a ruled and ruled them out. Blamed her asd ? (I have no idea) or just a thing that will stop. We have a alarm, reduced fluids before bedtime wake in night ect still happens but I don't make a fuss. She sits in it rather than wants the bed to change hen the alarm as I cannot have her just sit in it and she won't say anything. She's simply unphased by it, explained she will get sore, can't be comfy ect nothing. Mum just pretends it doesn't happen and goes mad when eventually she has to buy yet another mattress (she won't get a mattress protector- don't drives me mad)

Most of this I have simply put down to her asd but there's a narwing at me that I'm missing something but what honestly I have no idea. I'm completely out of my depth. Like full flat out no idea on what to do or say.

You reach out to people and then they say unhelpful things like my friend and you panic. If I'm coming across as unkind to DSD I'm not meaning to. I don't really care what it is tbh, NT, personally quirk or being a teen, I don't care I just want it to be resolved or as close to resolved as it can be or to at least know so I can bloody help. We just aren't getting anywhere.

There is a third option that's crossed my mind which I have raised with DH who he doesn't think could be a possibility, which is something has happened to her as a child... (every parents worst nightmare if you catch my drift).

All of it is so far away from the norm, I feel like banging head on the wall for trying to sort this while everyone seems to be closing their eyes.

@Magda72 that's pretty much spot on what I'm worried about. Ironically it's similar to your exDH with my family member. She didn't used to be this way as a child and that's almost how I overlook her behaviour as a adult and haven't gone NC - although many periods of v LC. I don't blame her but I do blame the adults involved who could have helped her through the massive amounts of trauma. Easy for me to say now as I'm not her current target so I probably sound a lot warmer to her than I would be if she was going wanting something from.

Honestly I'm clinging on to the brain plasticity element here. The words conduct disorder have been mentioned and it does mean there's hope. Not the greatest odds but hope.

Pleased forgive me all for probably sounding callous, I'm having a bit of a wobble myself tbh. This is all a-lot and my brain is pretty fried from to many emotions run through it.

I agree with @Magda72 that the biggest problem for you (and your SD) is that her mother is totally in denial about any of it. Her parents aren’t reading the same book. In fact one of them appears to be watching tv instead.

She really needs a clear and consistent response. And your ability to do anything is so very limited.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers you do NOT sound callous at all! You are coping amazingly well with an extremely difficult situation. The shame with it all is that it genuinely does seem that if you had dh were left to handle the situation great inroads could be made.
I 'get' the dm going into denial - it's a hard headspace to be in with your own child - but the denial as you well know is just creating more & more problems.
How is your dh doing at this point?
Has he been spending time with dsd?
Sending you a lot of virtual hugs.

I agree that you never sound callous @pitchforksandflamethrowers.

" you and dh" autocorrect

@@pitchforksandflamethrowers re the bedwetting. How much salt is DSD consuming in the day? Even if you restrict fluid at bedtime, if she's been hoovering up the cheese, pizza, bacon etc her body will store water and want to let it go in the night.

Don't know how attentive Mum was when she was a baby - PND? But if there was a long period of depression, DSD may have got used to sitting around in wet nappies and it feels like normal?

Aww ladies thank you 😞 I don't tend to feel the strength of emotions some people do and I know it can come across uncaring. I do feel guilty for panicking slightly after googling some of these terms that have been bandied about.

@Magda72 re DH he was is a fairly dark space tbh. I thought I would try and mend fences between mum and him so asked did DSD wanted a bit of fairly expensive furniture she's been converting ever since I ordered a few month ago but ummuming and arrgubg over to keep or send back (stress purchase). Anyway mum apologised to me (DSD bite her hand off when she mentioned the items and truthfully it gets it out of the way and they don't have a lot money wise so I was happy for it to go to a good home). I was crafty and used the open door to explain DH wants to see DSD and he's not reducing the time because any of us want to but because DSD had to learn you cannot do this with zero consequences and we do have to keep little people safe safe as well as DSD safe from the consequences of her actions.

Wasn't sure how that last bit was received at the time but in a record breaking first she called and apologised to him and allowing to him to see DSD on new schedule at our other home (so away from the little ones) until we get some help in place. He nearly died in shock because she's never apologised to him before for this type of stuff. I also got a "your far to good for him you know" comment from mum (I think she meant it as a compliment and given the time we have had, i took it as as a win )

I realise I must be coming across very privileged and to be frank we are. Not many people have the resources we have to enable what I can now only define as the weirdest family set up known to man.

I have been having bad case of the guilts, DSD horse has been showing all the signs of sulking when he realises it's only me 🙄 and I pay for everything he needs (little sod) and it reminds me of the collateral damage of allowing a child more power than the adults. There are no winners here.

That said DSD has been doing well at school and if she continues to behave for mum and dad I will resume mine and her horse adventures. He's quite a few hands and she knows she can't bully him and I won't leave her alone with him anyway. Even if it's just to get the horse to stop making moon eyes at me. It also had reminded me that even in the most troubled person, there is always light.

@SpaceshiptoMars she's not a big salt eater but the crap she consumes on the sly must be filled with the stuff. She doesn't add it to dinner ect

Now I don't think mum had pnd but I do suspect there was a element of (how do I put this diplomatically) young first time mum who wasn't as on the ball as she should be. I wouldn't have left baby in nappies as long as she did but I also recognise that DP (when he was with her) was away a lot for work for long long periods (earnt a hefty wage to) think as about as unsociable hours and time frames as it gets with a lot of travel. So she was on her own for long periods I don't blame her, I just think she wasn't really as on it as other may have been. This has been confirmed by the family on both sides re nappies. That said she was very very very hard to potty train so much so the did see a doctor as she was so resistant. The social implications of this never have seemed to bother her. But puts the fear of god into me. Poor girl. Mum won't let us take any preventive steps to stop this happening as she's ashamed to have a child who has these issues and thinks that safety pants would be a sign of giving in.

Personally I would prefer that to her getting rashes or dear god I hope not infections because of it. Naturally it's a topic I handle with care.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Mum won't let us take any preventive steps to stop this happening as she's ashamed to have a child who has these issues and thinks that safety pants would be a sign of giving in.

I've no idea - can her mum actually, legally, stop you and DSD's other parent doing this? 🌹

@Newestname002 legally no, can she stop contact again. Yes, and has done previously on this point (sigh). Any medication would need to be given regularly which she will not do. Her point as a mum says it is encourage her not to bother getting up. I can get that knowing my DSD her asd plays a part in this I suspect.

DH has reservations over man handling a teen into these types of pants and the humiliation factor which no one wants. DSD says she will not wear them and short of glueing them on her. It's likely to be a non starter. The alarm works well atm because then I know that we need to change sheets and can sleep at night knowing all is clean, hygienic and . The alarm thing was also expensive but not something mum wants for her house, I offered to buy one for her place too and it was declined.

She would rather ignore it and then lose it when I imagine the ramifications are to hard to ignore.

As I said pushing shit up hill 😩😩 DSD is completely non fazed by this which I'm not sure if I'm grateful for (so she's not embrassed ashamed) or it's compounding the issue. She is annoyed by the alarm waking her but seems to be happy on the compromise that I'm happy she's clean (opposed to her caring either way)

Poor DSD. And I'm sorry you and your DH are being out in this position also, by her mother. 🌹

She also says mum doesn't seemed to need her to have alarm and"isn't fazed by the need to be clean" by clean btw My DSD means not lying in urine.

But is happy enough to oblige me as it concerns me and her dad. Like I'm some ocd eccentric person and doing something abnormal. Which makes me sad as a mum that she finds it odd.

That said it's a semi solution that plies only to the time she's with us. It's so far from ideal. Mum said utherualgy nurse said she would grow out of it.. but whether that's all that was said remains to be seen.

@Newestname002 I don't think it's a easy place to be in for all tbh. Emotions can make us do funny things. I certainly learnt that one the hard way in the past so I don't judge tbh

Would she use one of the disposable bed mats? She does have to wear it, just lie on it. It would make clean up much easier.

This kind of thing.

I've finally made some progress and managed to convince DP it's time to talk to someone because burying his head in the sand and taking his moods out on everyone else isn't working and I'm at the end of my tether but while he/we find someone and make any progress can I ask opinions on how we move forward with plans for the summer hols.

Every year I'm the driving force for days out/trips and just doing things for the kids. I don't see why this year would be any different expect we have DsD refusing to see us and therefore refusing to be part of our trips and plans. However us doing things and having simple take aways hasn't gone down well with DSD when she has found out from her Brother and she had told DP that if she isn't there we shouldn't have/do these things and he replies every time if you were here you would be apart but it's your choice not too so everyone doesn't miss out because your choice not to be involved.

However now it's the holidays and I'm planning days out I can tell he's nervous of upsetting DSD and making things worse but I'm not willing to spite the other children for her sake when she is making her own choice. I'm having to really push that we are doing these things if he decides not to then thags his choice but we will be going and it's causing some friction.

Please give it to me straight if I'm wrong or if anyone has any better ideas on how we can handle this?

@NightOwl101 don't let DH guilt or fear become your proxy. It's so bloody hard but what he's saying to DSD is bang on the money.

This isn't about takeaways or days out it's about control and DSD is trying to control what goes down in your house. Just keep very seeetly saying I'm sorry you weren't there, we missed you but understand it's your choice to partake or not partake in this days out. Repeat repeat repeat.

And ignore DH guilt and crack on. Re establishing boundaries feels horrible at first but it does get easier. I speak from dammed hard experience I promise.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters that too has been vetoed by mum. I sound horrible but we insist on a similar thing at ours and the alarm although they don't hold as much fluid as you would hope but DSD is a teen so probably her output is higher than most. I want to know when it happens (hen the alarm) just so I know she's clean, comfortable and my sanity won't be keeping me up at night. She's truly unfazed by it but it genuinely bothers me any kid having to deal with it.

Mums in deep deep denial. Imagine it's also costly given the rate of which they must change mattresses due to smell (god I only hope).

I want to bang head against wall but what else can I do but make sure she's comfortable here.

Mum has said DSD seems only to want to appease me and will flat out remove it at mums but idk. DSD has always been pretty happy to follow guidance if you really keep drilling it in. I just talk at her and she caves (talk at her re essential subjects, hygiene, sleep in clean bed, must must brush teeth)

Took DSD out to see the dammed horse and have some girl on girl time as her school report was pretty glowing. Horse was dammed thrilled so was DSD. She's agreed to see someone but again I'm not sure if she isn't humouring me.

If I'm totally honest I don't care if she is. Worth a crack and all that jazz. I can't imagine what it would be like if we didn't have another place to stay to keep the kids safe. Genuinely what would people do ? Resources and help out there is so ducking minimal ?

Mum has said DSD seems only to want to appease me and will flat out remove it at mums but idk. DSD has always been pretty happy to follow guidance if you really keep drilling it in. I just talk at her and she caves (talk at her re essential subjects, hygiene, sleep in clean bed, must must brush teeth)

DSD respects you. She doesn't seem to respect anyone else - probably because she can push them all around.

@SpaceshiptoMars I have no idea why. I think I just out stubborn her rightly or wrongly.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers You do admirable stuff with your life and you demonstrate to her that you care by creating boundaries and expectations and insisting she honours them. Nobody else is expending that energy on her, and she is not stupid! Not bothering = not caring.

Thank you pitchforksandflamethrowers sometimes having the validation that I'm doing the right thing and I'm not being a wicked SM who will ruin the relationship if I make plans.

I think some of the issue lays with the face that DSD hasn't been invited on these plans and won't be. She has done and said a lot of things and took things extremely far with one of my DC to the point her DM actually got involved and intervened which DOES not happen ever because my DC are evil and hers an angel obviously so if she was to be invited it would mean other DC wouldn't go and then it would end up being DSD and DP which she refuses. It all feels like a no win situation.

I would invite her to all your potential outings every single time, giving her a time to respond by; if she doesn’t respond by that time or says no then you go ahead without her.