Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I hope so for all your sakes. Whatever happens next is not your fault but it must be hard to watch your DH suffer. I hope her DM opens her eyes soon

Hey ladies, first post of this thread. Looking for some support. Am I unreasonable to be disappointed that my other half only wants to do family things when his older children are with us? We share two young children together (7 weeks and 19 months) and he has an 12 and 10 year old. As soon as his older children arrive for the day or weekend, he makes so much effort with everything, plans days out etc etc but when they aren't here, I'm expected to do it all and entertain. He won't come out or do anything with us unless they are here? Is this normal?

Oh dear me..yes there are a lot of posts about this round these parts. It's a really cruel way to treat the two youngest. To be fair to him its a good idea for him to do age appropriate things with the older kids but he does need to put the effort in with the younger ones too. Especially as they get older.

Oh @ilovemyboys3 that is so frustrating. It’s not ok at all. Absolutely not.

Sadly, it’s all too common in nonresident fathers.

it might be some mixture of just finding the little ones harder and less interesting (not ok!) and the classic guilt at having a second family thing (not ok!). Perhaps with some hint of him having it in his head that contact weekends are parenting and the rest of the time is his ‘non-parenting time’ (definitely not ok!).

Have you raised it with him?

@Ontomatopea yes absolutely agree we need to be doing age appropriate trips with all children. I have no problems with us doing things for the older two, it would just be nice if he put as much effort in to our shared children😞

@TrailOfAbandonedPlanners yea I have raised it and he just says that we might as well do things with them all. Which I get but they are only here EOW so we have a weekend where we can do things with the younger two but he doesn't want too. They also come twice a week on the week they aren't here at the weekend. He makes special dinners and we gave movie and games nights etc. He also takes them to their football and netball practices on another night. So he does see them regularly and spends 1-1 time with them. I just wish he would put as much effort in with our two. 😞

@ilovemyboys3 I think the is it normal isn't quite the right question but it is so very common.

Is it right thing to do is the real question. By age gaps it's somewhat normal for the children not to want to do similar thing, it sounds like you don't begrudge the time he spends with DSC but the lack of effort he does with DC by comparison. It is damaging to do this because it creates a two tier status within kids that doesn't need to happen.

I suspect like with most posts like this you would be happier if he spent the same effort with your Dc as he does with DSC. I would reframe it to him that way.And point out it won't help sibling relations when older.

And I know you haven't asked but the way your feeling is totally normal valid and you have every right to ask for your DH to do the same for your joint dc.

Also welcome to the party 🎉 xx

What is he doing on the non-SC contact weekends?

I really don’t understand this logic that he may as well do stuff with them all. Some of them aren’t there all the time.

He spends the weekends doing jobs, washing the car, mowing the lawn, etc etc. I then end up having to entertain our 19 month old on my own 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's like he just sees family time when all his children are here. Hopefully as our two get older he will want to do more. I appreciate you can't do much with our age children but a trip to the park, walk etc doesn't take much time lol

i think I’d be very clear to him that he is very clearly indicating that ‘family time’ is defined by his first family. That WILL breed resentment. In you. And in his youngest children.

Resentment is what kills relationships. He needs to step up and properly participate in family life, 100% of the time, not just when his other kids are there.

Hopefully as our two get older he will want to do more. I appreciate you can't do much with our age children but a trip to the park, walk etc doesn't take much time lol

This just indicates how bloody selfish and inadequate men like this are being towards their partner's, it makes me livid. Yes, doing things with babies and toddlers is harder, often less fun and often mind numbing, hence why the load needs to be shared by both partners. It's mind boggling for one partner to come to the conclusion they can just wait for the kids to become easier and more fun, leaving the other one to do the toddler bit.

I had to have serious words with my husband about this when he complained he didnt really know what to do with a baby but would step up more when it came to toddlering. I showed him exactly how to wave a fluffy puppet in front of a baby then went out for the day!

@Ontomatopea It really blows my mind that these men think this is something they can get away with! Since DD was born, when I've been solely in charge of her for a while I expect his help, for my sake, nothing to do with which kids he does and doesn't want to spend time with!

This was my post in a former name which I've quoted for background, I'm posting now after a rather revealing argument I had with DH recently. Essentially I'm now being blamed for the fact that DSS is now starting to find his feet and get his life together and is consequently spending less time with us. Apparently this is because I have 'made him feel unwelcome' and nothing to do with the fact that he's 25 and (finally!) starting to grow up and build a life of his own, I'm also a monster for thinking this is a good thing for both us and DSS.

Just for reference the ways I have made DSS feel unwelcome, a sentiment DSS has never expressed or even alluded to btw, include setting some boundaries around his visits with DGC to enable us to do essential food shopping or cook and eat a meal, and reducing Sunday dinner to every other week instead of every single week because I was sick of doing the same old thing week in week out.

I suppose us not being constantly available has encouraged DSS to find other stuff to do and manage DGC on his own but it was always going to happen as DSS found his feet as an adult and a father and I'm really struggling to understand how DH is seeing this as a bad thing. All I want for my DD is for her to be an independent, self sufficient adult, isn't that what being a parent is? But all DH can see is what he's 'lost' and obviously it's all my fault. We still see them regularly I might add, just not for hours and hours every single day like it used to be.

So now I'm wondering whether actually too much damage has been done to our marriage over the last couple of years (since DGC was born and DSS split from his GF which is when all this started) and I need to walk away. I had thought we'd weathered the storm and come out with a better understanding of each other and a more balanced relationship with DSS/DGC but it turns out DH was harbouring all this resentment all along, which is what came out in the recent argument. And now I feel resentful that my needs are still not being considered or allowed for because he clearly resents every compromise he's agreed to! It just feels like a massive fucking mess and has come as a nasty shock because I honestly thought everyone was happy with the status quo we've had going for the last few months.

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit so how much of a role was DH taking in terms of looking after DsS child when they were visiting?

I suspect as much as I fear that if my DSD was to have a baby my DH would go into baby overdrive because he loves babies toddler ect. I would also fear by proxy he would try to fix the relationship via the baby ect . Does that sound like it might be the case with your DH ? Is he missing the grandkids and blaming you because it's easier ?

I would (if you want to and the fact you have weathered getting to grandparent status means you have been putting up with this a lot might mean you don't want to and that's totally ok) reframe it in a way of oh it's nice DS is getting to his feet, it shows all the hard work you put in as a parent and ect.

I think you need to talk to him and say I know you miss the grandkids ect but you want your children to be happy and self sufficient. People say dumb things when they are hurting or avoiding a emotion. Sometimes calling out that emotion directly helps and putting it out there.

I would also say that after such a long marriage you would hope he acknowledges all the stuff you have done to make DsS welcome and actually you being a escape goat isn't on.

Yep my DH loves babies/toddlers too so very hands on, that's very much a part of the problem as I feel 'done' with looking after littlies having done the vast majority with our DD because he worked away a lot. We're essentially having the first major difference in opinion/feelings in our 20 year marriage and he cannot seem to accept that I feel differently and that that is ok and doesn't make me a terrible person. I'm happy to understand that he feels differently to me and find compromises which mean we both get some of what we want and I thought he felt the same, until the recent argument.

I've said everything you wrote, my commitment to and care for DSC over the last 20 years (days out every single weekend when they were little, washing and cooking for them every weekend, making sure they had everything they needed, lovely Christmas's and birthdays, doing all the admin and pushing to get DSD a school move when she was being bullied and being the only one to help DSS with the debts exGF ran up in his name, amongst other stuff) is entirely disregarded in the face of my recent transgressions and he cannot see past his own hurt feelings that he sees them less to feel proud of their independence. I've tried everything to get him to see my point of view and I honestly thought he did, until it all came pouring out last week.

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit you know what I do when my DH does this type of bollocks is flat out ignore him, does he sulk by any chance ? Acknowledge the problem he's missing the kids and you get it but his behaviour isn't acceptable. Don't let him get you into a justification of all the things you have done in the past. You don't need to justify it at all.

If he does indeed sulk/changing the atmosphere you have to remember it's a power play because he knows you are a kind caring partner and want to make him happy. So he waits for you to bring it up so he can go bang.

I usually just stop talking or minimal talking (and I have told him I'm doing this when he sulks) when he eventually pulled his head out of his emotions and asks me what's wrong. Then I would tell him until he can stop throwing a pity party I'm not engaging him and I'm going to make sure at least I'm happy and firmly say I'm gonna leave him to his misery. Then go to exactly that.

Meet up with friends, do whatever you enjoy and let him watch. I hope he comes around but remember you are not responsible and this is not on you to fix. Buggering dreading what DH will be like if we get to stage of grandkids I swear bloody down.

Yes he's a sulker (how predictable) and that's pretty much my normal strategy to deal with it, ignore and get on with my own life. Which has been working well and he had seemingly got better at coming to me when there was a problem, but then DSS stopped coming as much and over the last few weeks DH has got progressively moodier until the eventual blow up last week.

I'm beyond disappointed that we've ended up here again, and raging that DH has slipped straight back into default mode and dumped all the blame on me. I really thought we'd thrashed this out and come to a compromise and now I just feel stupid for believing things could change. Blame has been a feature of our marriage (separately from the DSS issue) since the beginning and I don't think I have the energy to keep justifying why it's not my fault (when it really isn't) anymore.

I'm going to need bravery and strength I'm not sure I have if this is the end of our marriage. I've stupidly allowed myself and my life to be too dependent on him and our DD is going to have to face changes I know she's going to struggle with if we split. But I can't fight my corner again when I've done nothing wrong, I just can't.

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit and you shouldn't have to.

The thing is he's got you justifying your behaviour when actually you don't own him any justification what so ever. What would happen if you said to him you were considering leaving him on it ? Would that be enough to shake him into awareness ?

Please don't think this predicable behaviour i just thought what would my DH be like and guessed. And that said,my DH always works through stuff and apologises for his behaviour eventually . It's tricky when they have been trained to think one way and then it's like auto correction or running a antivirus. That said I'm probably non NT (undiagnosed) so I don't take a lot of it personally most of the time (I'm human so I want to underscore that so the most is important there) and I can effectively ignore him without it taking vast amounts of my emotional resources.

I would have probably left if I wasn't and even with this it's lead me to seriously consider our future on many occasions. What I'm saying is it's ok to decide no enough now. You are enough and deserve to be happy. The food has to outweigh the bad.

The only other thing I can mention is do you think he's depressed ? Depression has this nasty side effect of making that person completely and utterly self centric. That said if he is, then it is he who needs to solve it. Not you.

I'm sorry your going through this lovely. I wish I had better words on this occasion I really do 💐

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit I'm so sorry to hear all this. I have no advice but just want to say I hear you!
I went through this in my marriage & in my relationship with exdp & I'm still in therapy dealing with the fall out from years of men telling me their life difficulties are somehow my fault!
Fearne Cotton has a really good podcast & interviewed Minnie Driver recently. Minnie made the excellent point that we are taught from very young to tell the truth but when women actually do tell the truth & refuse to gloss over bs men absolutely hate it. I think this is so pertinent. It's in all relationships really but it's so so prevalent on this board - men/dads/nrp dads just do not want the truth of the situation & cannot hear it so they shoot (blame) the messenger rather than face the truth of their mismanaged parenting.
It's beyond frustrating.
All I will say to you is life is too short to be someone else's emotional punching bag.

@Cantbeliveyoufakeit I’m so sorry to hear it’s so hard and you’re worrying about it being the end.

I will say that you can do it. No matter how hard it is. You can do whatever I’d needed. I know because I have struggled (and sm struggling through) the end of a marriage, with a toddler. Because I deserve better than what I ended up immersed in. You are too. And we somehow find the strength to drag ourselves through things for our children.

whatever you decide to do, we will have your back in here. This is all so bloody hard. And you naively imagine that the SC will grow up and it’ll get better. Then you find that Disney dad turns into unable to let them grow up. And somehow you’re the villain for thinking it’s a good think for a mid-20s man with a child to be actually getting on with his life as an adult. It’s like a cruel joke played on so many SM’s.

@candlesandpitchforks I’m not NT either (recent ADHD diagnosis) but in all the ways that mean I can’t just ignore it. I get overwhelmed and all the emotional disregulation and rejection sensitivity is unliveable in a situation when someone is blaming me and scapegoating me and mistreating me. Even more so when it’s on the pretext of him being the father to children he’s utterly ambivalent about anyway! I cannot cope with that. I managed and managed and the. I had a baby and the whole thing got worse - while I was least equipped to cope with any of it. It almost broke me.

In mind boggling statements from my STBXH from today we have: he blames his mother for ruining his life (this IS fair; she is utterly toxic and has absolutely screwed him up both as a child and into adulthood with her ‘broken families’ bullshit). Except his explanation of it is that he’s been reading psychology today and has decided she’s caused him some kind of borderline personality disorder that is expressed in his ambivalence towards everything.

i told him it’s called EUPD these days. 😁 And then thought to myself: and you most certainly don’t have that. You appear to experience emotions in a completely flat and muted way in everything. If we’re going to internet diagnose you with personality disorders, it’s not EUPD we are starting with! Maybe I should start sending him psychology today articles about NPD and psychopathy instead!

Thank you for the understanding and support, it means more than you know after being told I'm wrong for so long. I know I'm not but it's hard being seen as the evil SM by the very person who's supposed to love you and have your back.

I'm not NT either, it's a recent realisation (DD has ASD) and a relief in some ways but still a lot to deal with on top of all this. I don't know where to start with getting myself into a position where I could leave him, I basically need to pick a career and train for it but I don't even know what I'd like to do let alone what I'm capable of. I have no qualifications to speak of and a mixed bag of work experience which is all years out of date now anyway so I'm literally starting from scratch.

I've been busy last night/this morning! Did some digging around jobs I've done before and what's available WFH (much more doable for me for a variety of reasons) and come up with data entry/order processing type jobs which I think would really work for me. I've enquired about a online college course in Microsoft Office to brush up my skills and am signing up for September!

It's a small step but feels kind of massive for me, I've worked out that I could manage on part time hours plus UC top up and there's the potential to work up to more hours and a better rate of pay once I have some recent experience which would give DD and I a really quite comfortable life just on my wage. I feel a bit giddy at the thought of all the freedom that would give me!

Well done you! That’s a huge amount of progress in such a short space of time. I’m glad you’re feeling more hopeful.

I think I just need to know I can manage and support myself and DD without him, and maybe he needs to know that too. I suppose what I really want is for DH to wake up to what he/we have and appreciate it rather than constantly sabotaging it because he can't handle his feelings about DSC/DGC, but me regaining my independence is a positive thing whether he does that or not.

I feel like he has too much surety that I won't leave as things stand so it's safe for him to blame me for everything, i wonder what he'll do once he doesn't have that security? Interesting times ahead I reckon! He's going to have to step up his game to keep me, I'm done with being his blame hound.

Have you read stepmonster? You definitely should.

Knowing you don’t need him will help you to address some power imbalances in the relationship, if nothing else.