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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepson refusing to go back to mums home

108 replies

Original88 · 02/03/2022 11:53

DSS is 12. Before Christmas mum moved in with her long term partner (so DSS now lives with 2 siblings and 2 step-siblings)

DS is not happy with the living arrangement but can’t articulate what the issue is other than everyone annoys him and he hates it there. DS is arguing with everyone in the house, particularly mum.

At the end of Jan he came to live with his dad and I full time (was previously every other weekend and evening in the week arrangement). We don’t have children, I WFH and DP works 6-4 every day so I am doing all school runs etc.

DSS is refusing to go back to his mums, even for dinner or 1 night on the weekend. We’ve tried to get him to go a few times but he has a complete meltdown, crying, saying he hates everyone and everyone hates him, has even said he wants to die. He’s only lasted about 6 hours at mums house since the beginning of Feb.

He can’t explain why he feels the way he does. He seems happy to never see them or go back there again.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I’m concerned that he’s this unhappy with the situation but don’t know how to resolve it

OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 02/03/2022 11:54

He can't explain or he's scared to explain? That sounds concerning. Any chance you've got the finances to consider therapy?

Original poster
Original88 · 02/03/2022 11:55

Noticed I’ve changed between DS and DSS in the post - sorry this is the same person!

OP posts:
Wintersbone · 02/03/2022 11:55

What does his mother say? Would she meet him out for dinner one night? If you're happy to keep him, I would. It sounds like the blending didn't go well for him.

Original poster
Original88 · 02/03/2022 11:58

She’s met him once for dinner out and tried to talk to him but he shuts down. She’s told him she thinks he’s had depression and needs to see a doctor (which I don’t think has helped his attitude towards her…) she’s asked to have him for dinner again tomorrow night but he’s refusing to go into the house

OP posts:
bobisbored · 02/03/2022 12:04

There's definitely more to this. Are school aware? Is there a counsellor there he can talk to? Could his mum visit him at your house?

Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 12:08

Why are you listening only to a 12yr old child when you say he can't even articulate what the problem is? There are two other adults in his other, home, one is his parent, why have you not spoken with his mum and worked out what on earth is going on?

Before the doommongers jump on this and declare he is clearly so traumatised by something at mum's house, I'd just like to bring up a thread I saw a couple of weeks ago. A 13yr old child had come to be resident in his father's and stepmother's house, having lived with his mother full time, his whole 13yrs bar EOW.

He too screamed and screamed and refused to return. Everyone hated him. He had to go and live away from this horrible house.

The reality? They'd had a change up of rooms for the mother and new husband's second baby, and the 13yro was having to endure the horror and hate of.....sharing a room with his 11yr old brother. This meant he couldn't have his Xbox exactly how and when he wanted. The way he went on was like he'd been shoved under the stairs with bread and water. The theatrics and dramatics. Turns out, he was just a bit of an Xbox brat who played out a good story for his own advantage.

Just something to consider alongside the inevitable "that poor boy, what must they be doing to him"...

WallaceinAnderland · 02/03/2022 12:10

She’s told him she thinks he’s had depression and needs to see a doctor

Or his hormones could be all over the place as he's going through puberty. Someone needs to start listening to this child to find out what's really happening.

Noname1999 · 02/03/2022 12:10

Is there a school counselor or another third party he can talk to? It probably not a big deal, but it could be

Catrice · 02/03/2022 12:14

This sounds worrying. Are the school aware of the situation? It definitely sounds like your poor ss is desperately unhappy about something with the new setup. I would personally respect his wishes as the moment and not make him see mum when he's so obviously distressed by it. He needs to be able to trust you by the sounds of it before he'll fully open up to you. Not very helpful advice I know.

Original poster
Original88 · 02/03/2022 12:37

@Escargooooooo

Why are you listening only to a 12yr old child when you say he can't even articulate what the problem is? There are two other adults in his other, home, one is his parent, why have you not spoken with his mum and worked out what on earth is going on?

Before the doommongers jump on this and declare he is clearly so traumatised by something at mum's house, I'd just like to bring up a thread I saw a couple of weeks ago. A 13yr old child had come to be resident in his father's and stepmother's house, having lived with his mother full time, his whole 13yrs bar EOW.

He too screamed and screamed and refused to return. Everyone hated him. He had to go and live away from this horrible house.

The reality? They'd had a change up of rooms for the mother and new husband's second baby, and the 13yro was having to endure the horror and hate of.....sharing a room with his 11yr old brother. This meant he couldn't have his Xbox exactly how and when he wanted. The way he went on was like he'd been shoved under the stairs with bread and water. The theatrics and dramatics. Turns out, he was just a bit of an Xbox brat who played out a good story for his own advantage.

Just something to consider alongside the inevitable "that poor boy, what must they be doing to him"...

Do you really think we haven’t spoken to him mum about the situation?? His dad is in contact with mum every day. She doesn’t know what’s caused this any more than we do
OP posts:
Original poster
Original88 · 02/03/2022 12:39

My DP is reluctant to get the school involved. He was really upset at the thought of going to a doctor so not sure how we would approach a therapy discussion (although I think it will come to that)

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

OP posts:
Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 12:43

Going from your post, it didn't appear you had, frankly.

You can't get any particular reason from the 12yr old. And all his mum has done has asked him round for dinner a couple of times.

I would highly suspect it's like the other thread where sharing doesn't suit him. Except you need to establish if it's creating untold drama and lying that he's treated with hate, because he doesn't like he can't do exactly as he pleases anymore and doing an Oscar winning performance to ensure he gets what he wants (as per the other thread) or if the sharing is impacting him in a way that actually does need to be addressed.

Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 12:44

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that sort of tells you it's exactly like the other thread.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2022 12:47

How old are his siblings op? Are they still visiting yours. How is he when they call? How is he when he's alone / not watched?

PineappleWilson · 02/03/2022 12:47

"Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings". Christ, poor kid.

Within a year, he's moved to secondary school presumably and his mum has landed him with a new partner and his children. I'd be pi$$ed off at that. Why does he need to tolerate step kids? He didn't ask for them to come along.

I think his mum needs to take some steps back with her relationship and do things more slowly, but that's not going to help you. Can your DSS stay with you for now, to give things time to settle?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2022 12:48

@Escargooooooo

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that sort of tells you it's exactly like the other thread.

Or she isn't aware of something
Chamomileteaplease · 02/03/2022 12:48

Surely the boy is upset because he now has an extra adult and two more children in his house?

Who on here would welcome that?

It may well be a stressful, noisy household and he doesn't like it. I wouldn't blame him.

However, I feel for you and don't see why you have become the default parent in all this mess.

If his mother can throw all that at him with no thought for her children's feelings then she doesn't seem the sensitive type.
I would get off his back and just provide him with a quiet, loving home for a while. Then see where the land lies in time.

Associatepeggy · 02/03/2022 12:50

@Escargooooooo

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that sort of tells you it's exactly like the other thread.

No it really doesn't.

It could be just as likey to be a mum that is ignoring the issue and wants a child to 'just get over it' so she can carry on living how she wants to live.

There's now 5 kids on the house. That's alot. It's not something my kids would like either. Its not something I would have liked either.

And as for the thread it doesn't take a genius that although a child says it's about the xbox, it could actually not be about the xbox itself.

Theworldisfullofgs · 02/03/2022 12:51

How old are the step siblings?

Levithian · 02/03/2022 12:51

Escargoooooooo Your posts are odd. You have no idea one way or the other, so why are you so adamant that this child is a brat? You don't know him, you don't know his situation. It's really weird to come to that conclusion just from the information the OP has provided.

OP, how worrying. He must be quite distressed to completely remove himself from the life he once had. Do you have any gut feeling on this? Do you think there's something he isn't telling you?

Thoosa · 02/03/2022 12:54

TBH, I would have done exactly the same at 12, had there been a safe adult with a safe house to go too. I was nearly 30 before I was able to articulate exactly what had happened and I still felt horribly disloyal discussing it. It might be valid but complicated. Don’t force him into anything. Get him a really good counsellor or therapist and be prepared to take it slowly.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 02/03/2022 12:54

Why can’t he choose which parent to live with?

Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 12:56

@Levithian

Escargoooooooo Your posts are odd. You have no idea one way or the other, so why are you so adamant that this child is a brat? You don't know him, you don't know his situation. It's really weird to come to that conclusion just from the information the OP has provided.

OP, how worrying. He must be quite distressed to completely remove himself from the life he once had. Do you have any gut feeling on this? Do you think there's something he isn't telling you?

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

And the more OP posts, plus the mother's input stating that he needs to get over himself, it's pretty clear what's going on.

The mother isn't indulging what she knows is a teenage tantrum.

Maxiedog123 · 02/03/2022 12:57

How old are the other children, could one of the stepsiblings be bullying him
?

Original poster
Original88 · 02/03/2022 12:57

His siblings and one step-sibling are all late primary, the other step sibling is 13. He’s absolutely fine when they come to see us, the three of them get on really well.

Absolutely no problem with him staying here full time, my work is fairly flexible so I’m able to take him to school in the morning.

I guess I’m trying to ask if there is anything we can do to help facilitate a relationship with his mum/stepdad/step-siblings? It’s already been a month with very minimal contact between them, I don’t know if pushing him to go will help or make things worse :(

OP posts: