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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson refusing to go back to mums home

108 replies

Original88 · 02/03/2022 11:53

DSS is 12. Before Christmas mum moved in with her long term partner (so DSS now lives with 2 siblings and 2 step-siblings)

DS is not happy with the living arrangement but can’t articulate what the issue is other than everyone annoys him and he hates it there. DS is arguing with everyone in the house, particularly mum.

At the end of Jan he came to live with his dad and I full time (was previously every other weekend and evening in the week arrangement). We don’t have children, I WFH and DP works 6-4 every day so I am doing all school runs etc.

DSS is refusing to go back to his mums, even for dinner or 1 night on the weekend. We’ve tried to get him to go a few times but he has a complete meltdown, crying, saying he hates everyone and everyone hates him, has even said he wants to die. He’s only lasted about 6 hours at mums house since the beginning of Feb.

He can’t explain why he feels the way he does. He seems happy to never see them or go back there again.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I’m concerned that he’s this unhappy with the situation but don’t know how to resolve it

OP posts:

Associatepeggy · 02/03/2022 12:58

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

And why do you think you know this is the reason she isn't phased?

Loads of women, wouldn't be phased or bothered as long as they can live with their boyfriend.

Its very odd to be so convinced the Mother is the only person who is right in this situation, eeryone else is handling poor and the child is a brat.

konasana · 02/03/2022 13:00

If he is reacting that strongly and doesn't want to go back, the best thing you can do is support his and respect his wishes. Seems alarming that he is unable to say what is bothering him - that speaks for itself. Maybe let him be for a few months, living with you and having them visit him at your house, and then reopen the possibility of a visit to them in a few months when the dust has settled.

Babadook76 · 02/03/2022 13:01

@Escargooooooo I’d just stop talking now, as each one of your posts makes look more clueless and nasty than the last one.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/03/2022 13:05

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that's the reason then. Three month ago his mum moved him into a house with 6 other people. It will be a massive adjustment. It will be noisy, busy and presumably less privacy/space to himself. No wonder he doesn't like it, I wouldn't either.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 02/03/2022 13:06

@Original88

My DP is reluctant to get the school involved. He was really upset at the thought of going to a doctor so not sure how we would approach a therapy discussion (although I think it will come to that)

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Why doesn’t he want to involve school? Education is a partnership between the student, parents and school. If Dss is unhappy it’s very likely he will be under performing in school. If you involve school they may be able to discover the issue.

EthelTheAardvark · 02/03/2022 13:08

If he's suddenly been forced to share his home with his mother's partner and two other children and his mother's attitude is simply that he must get on with it, you can kind of see where he's coming from. How many of us would like to share a house with three non-relatives and have no say in any of it? And if we objected, how happy would we be to have our feelings dismissed as just a tantrum?

LaTangerina · 02/03/2022 13:08

@Original88

His siblings and one step-sibling are all late primary, the other step sibling is 13. He’s absolutely fine when they come to see us, the three of them get on really well.

Absolutely no problem with him staying here full time, my work is fairly flexible so I’m able to take him to school in the morning.

I guess I’m trying to ask if there is anything we can do to help facilitate a relationship with his mum/stepdad/step-siblings? It’s already been a month with very minimal contact between them, I don’t know if pushing him to go will help or make things worse :(

Maybe just try ride it out for now?
Let him have no/little contact for a few weeks & then broach the subject again. Obviously make sure his mum is on board.
Does he get on OK with stepdad?
Could it be a space issue? He gets more space/peace/attention in your home because he doesn't have to share?
Could there even be something going on at school upsetting him?
Either way you sound like a wonderful stepmum.

Maxiedog123 · 02/03/2022 13:10

So he is fine when it's the 3 of them? So ok with his 2 siblings when all at your house?
That leaves the house, Mum , Mum's Partner , and 2 stepsiblings as potential triggers for this

EthelTheAardvark · 02/03/2022 13:10

Do you know what the living arrangements at his mother's house were and how they compared with what they had before? For instance, did he have to share a room, did he have his own space anywhere, could he get on with homework in peace and quiet? What would happen if, say, he needed to be taken to an activity but it clashed with one of his step-siblings' activities?

Freehugs · 02/03/2022 13:12

Support and reassure him. Don’t force or nag him about seeing his mum. Take things at his pace and he’ll come round when he’s ready.

Sounds like it’s been too much of a change for him, some kids feel like their parent is choosing the partner and step kids over them.

Also maybe he feels that your efforts to get him to visit his mum means that you and his dad don’t want him either.

You sound like a caring step parent with a lot of time for him. He’s probably enjoying all the undivided attention - and that’s not a bad thing. x

BessAndCress · 02/03/2022 13:13

@EthelTheAardvark

Yeah, this. I don't think there is a great mystery to be "discovered" here. He might get on fine with the other kids per se, doesn't mean he's happy with this massive change to his living situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2022 13:16

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not. do you know her? Know whether she's emotionally intelligent or too worried about not upsetting the new chap? Do you know that there's not anything going on that he's kept a secret from his Mom ie bullying? No. So you have no idea.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 02/03/2022 13:16

Started secondary school, new partner and siblings moved in, hitting puberty, plus two years of Covid trauma... Poor kid.

I think he needs time. It's only been a few weeks and he is probably still trying to grasp his own feelings.

I wouldn't push the depression idea, but perhaps, if you can find a counsellor, sell it to him as someone neutral he can talk to about how he feels about the situation?

mumonthehill · 02/03/2022 13:17

Sounds like he is completely overwhelmed by all the change and he cannot articulate it to you at the moment. Give him time, encourage meet ups with mum in more informal ways, a meal might feel to intense for him right now. He is still very young and emotions are hard at that age.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/03/2022 13:17

Escargooooooo

What an utterly bizarre attitude

HowToMakeFriends · 02/03/2022 13:18

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

And the more OP posts, plus the mother's input stating that he needs to get over himself, it's pretty clear what's going on.

The mother isn't indulging what she knows is a teenage tantrum.

Escargoooooo, you seem determined to assume the mother must be in the right and that the child is just being difficult. Why is that? The OP hasn't bad mouthed the mother in anyway, you don't need to leap to her defence.

OP, I'd be inclined to just let him be for now, keep casually suggesting he meet up with his mum, maybe she could come to yours if that wouldn't be too awkward. But at 12, his voice should be listened to. I've seen many posts on here saying children around that age don't want to go to their dad's, and the consensus is usually that if it went to court, the judge would consider the child's opinions. You might do more long term damage by forcing the issue.

Nemorth · 02/03/2022 13:18

He needs someone neutral. Perhaps that is you OP.

All behaviour is communication.

Ask him what he needs and explain he doesn't need to answer now, he can think about it and talk when he's ready. That you'll listen and that you'll help him.

Obviously add any caveats to above that are specific to you.

excelledyourself · 02/03/2022 13:22

@Escargooooooo

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that sort of tells you it's exactly like the other thread.

Even if that was true, which I don't think it is, no, he doesn't need to tolerate it. He (hopefully) has the option of staying with his dad and OP. So it would be mum who had to get over it really, one way or the other.

Thoosa · 02/03/2022 13:22

@Original88

His siblings and one step-sibling are all late primary, the other step sibling is 13. He’s absolutely fine when they come to see us, the three of them get on really well.

Absolutely no problem with him staying here full time, my work is fairly flexible so I’m able to take him to school in the morning.

You really need to find out what - and who? - the problem is before you attempt to push it facilitate contact.

People do not act like this for no reason.

katmarie · 02/03/2022 13:25

Is it possible that he thinks that his reasons aren't good enough? Or that if he tells you what they are you will brush them aside or try to disprove them? Not that I think you would, its clear you care about him and want to help, but he might not see things that way.

It sounds like he's been through a lot of change in the last few months and this might just be the straw that broke the camels back, one small thing has happened to tip him over the edge, but it's built up from a lot of things and he's just reached his limit. He might not even be able to explain that until he gets some time and perspective.

ElIie · 02/03/2022 13:25

It sounds like he might be feeling upset and rejected by his mother. Like she is putting her wants and needs and her new relationship before the needs of her child - why else would she be happy to forgo nearly all contact with her child?

A child needs support and stability, and the infallible knowledge that they are loved. His mothers new relationship is a massive change for him. The fact she seems happy to break off contact with him will only add to his feelings of rejection.

If is siblings seem fine with it he might be feeling even more lonely and isolated.

You seem lovely and incredibly supportive by the way OP.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 13:27

@Escargooooooo

Why are you listening only to a 12yr old child when you say he can't even articulate what the problem is? There are two other adults in his other, home, one is his parent, why have you not spoken with his mum and worked out what on earth is going on?

Before the doommongers jump on this and declare he is clearly so traumatised by something at mum's house, I'd just like to bring up a thread I saw a couple of weeks ago. A 13yr old child had come to be resident in his father's and stepmother's house, having lived with his mother full time, his whole 13yrs bar EOW.

He too screamed and screamed and refused to return. Everyone hated him. He had to go and live away from this horrible house.

The reality? They'd had a change up of rooms for the mother and new husband's second baby, and the 13yro was having to endure the horror and hate of.....sharing a room with his 11yr old brother. This meant he couldn't have his Xbox exactly how and when he wanted. The way he went on was like he'd been shoved under the stairs with bread and water. The theatrics and dramatics. Turns out, he was just a bit of an Xbox brat who played out a good story for his own advantage.

Just something to consider alongside the inevitable "that poor boy, what must they be doing to him"...

Personally, I think his reluctance to articulate it is the red flag.

The thing is, he is safely living with a parent and there is no need to jump conclusions. They have time to slowly unravel the issues.

@Original88 Maybe concentrate for now on promoting him travelling to school independently? Do it by degrees if that helps, or drip him at the most convenient bus stop.

Being tied to the school run shouldn’t normally be necessary with a 12 year old, and it’s probably the most inconvenient thing for you.

TheReddestJohansson · 02/03/2022 13:28

Okay - sorta have some experience of this.

The key thing is him saying “everyone hates him”. He’s feeling bad for his actions and this avoidance and emotion is an adolescent demonstration of remorse. Fundamentally I believe he’s trying to avoid his step-dad/siblings because he’s embarrassed.

How horrific would a dinner/day out with mum and all of you be? I know what I’m suggesting here as we did this with my DH’s ex and her new partner and we do NOT get along. But it meant the dsc was able to see the new partner again with us so was less stressed about it all and it was all kinda fine after that.

I suspect the 13 year old step-sibling could be the main embarrassment focal point because s/he is older and therefore automatically cooler than anything else.

Good luck. X

AKASammyScrounge · 02/03/2022 13:30

@Escargooooooo

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that sort of tells you it's exactly like the other thread.

That tells you Mum is lacking in empathy.

TooMuchPaper · 02/03/2022 13:30

Whose house are they living in? You say in your opening post that his mother, siblings and he moved in with his mother's dp and his 2 children. So they all moved into the dp's house? Or did they get another property together?

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