Stepson refusing to go back to mums home

[Original88]

DSS is 12. Before Christmas mum moved in with her long term partner (so DSS now lives with 2 siblings and 2 step-siblings)

DS is not happy with the living arrangement but can’t articulate what the issue is other than everyone annoys him and he hates it there. DS is arguing with everyone in the house, particularly mum.

At the end of Jan he came to live with his dad and I full time (was previously every other weekend and evening in the week arrangement). We don’t have children, I WFH and DP works 6-4 every day so I am doing all school runs etc.

DSS is refusing to go back to his mums, even for dinner or 1 night on the weekend. We’ve tried to get him to go a few times but he has a complete meltdown, crying, saying he hates everyone and everyone hates him, has even said he wants to die. He’s only lasted about 6 hours at mums house since the beginning of Feb.

He can’t explain why he feels the way he does. He seems happy to never see them or go back there again.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I’m concerned that he’s this unhappy with the situation but don’t know how to resolve it

*anything not bath ring stupid bloody phone

Hmm did he have a room to himself at his previous home and is now having to share? Is he getting reduced time with his mother as she now has 4 kids to sort rather than 2?

Is all very well saying he gets on with them when they meet at yours but he knows they are going

Does he find living in such a big household, with someone he probably doesn’t know that well a challenge?

It’s all very well some saying it’s brattish behaviour, but at 12 maybe he feels he can’t say he hates the changes, which at the end of the day have been imposed on him

Shouldn’t the priority be to work on DSS seeing his mum a little? He doesn’t need a relationship with the step dad and step siblings at all if that’s what’s causing the issue. He’s seeing his siblings when they come Eow to your household so that link is still there. Maybe a bi-weekly or weekly coffee/ice cream with mum is the way to go for now? Assuming she can handle seeing him without talking about the possibility of him coming to live at hers again?

It's obvious @Escargooooooo because he's happy to be there full time with his dad and OP and he's not happy to be with his mum and her partner. How is that so hard to grasp?

Sigh. Because it's quite easily nothing to do with being comfortable with anybody, and very much about self interest in a nice big room and not having to share anything. It doesn't mean he's less comfortable with his mum. It's just a better deal, irrespective of who makes the deal. As PP said, her daughter did an identical thing, because she got a bigger wallet for herself and could do what she liked at her dad's.

And again. For the hard of thinking at the back. It could be something deep and sinister. That's not impossible. However. It is unlikely to be.

I’m surprised anyone is engaging with you at all @Escargooooooo

You are phenomenally rude.

Poor wee soul. I’d have hated that !
I think “cannot be fucked having to live with a whole new family “ is a perfectly reasonably response to that scenario.

OP you sound very nice, but I think this is for DM (ex) and your DP to get to the bottom of.
If at all. If he’s happy with you and you don’t mind.
I’m more worried at DM(ex) attitude than I am of the kids!? What’s the point of you stressing yourself out when she’s ( by the sound of it) not putting in the leg work?

No. I just don't entertain hyperbole and pearl clutching, particularly with zero reasoning.

I once knew a boy this age whose Mum remarried, and soon after the boy started acting out in the most unexpected way. It took more than a year for the Mum to find out the new husband was emotionally abusive to her son! I would let him live with you, if you can, try for counseling, and give him lots of time to figure out what is going on. It is odd, but some men do see a young, pubescent boy, as competition.....

Yes, I could have banked onyourcomplete opposite teen who is selfless and acts like no other teenager ever has.

No, loads of people have teens who don't cause them loads of issues. Since you like to use a previous thread as indisputable proof, there's a thread at the moment where the op feels jealous of her friend who is the mother to one girl, where op has 4 boys. A few people said "oh girls are nightmares' and loads of posters are disputing it. Teenagers are as individual as adults are.

Maybe you are one of those parents who actually have no empathy for other people and just wrote everything off to teenage strops, when it's there more to. You see how other people can just make it shit too?

Are you hard of reading? The word is unlikely. For future reference, this does not mean "unthinkable"

You have stated several times 'it's just a teenage strop' and 'it's just like the other thread'. People can read.

Are you hard of reading? The word is unlikely. For future reference, this does not mean "unthinkable"

You didn't mention one thread. You specifically mentioned in, then decided this was the same situation. When the op had only posted minimal information.

Why you feel the need to to push the view that its poor teenage behaviour, rather than consider something may actually be really bothering him is very bizarre indeed.

On the basis of what you’ve said, I think if you’re in the position to, keep him with you for now (if his mum is willing). He will be happier and maybe feel safer. Then gradually start making some low pressure contact once he’s settled.

is the new step sibling at the same school, in the same classes, a girl or a boy??
How well did he know the new DF before he moved in?
How long was he the 'master of the house' before the DM found new partner?
All sorts of reasons could be putting him off. Disappointment that DM did this without discussing it with him? Just having to share a bathroom with so many people, perhaps sharing a bedroom just at an age when he wants privacy?

@Original88

His siblings and one step-sibling are all late primary, the other step sibling is 13. He’s absolutely fine when they come to see us, the three of them get on really well.

Absolutely no problem with him staying here full time, my work is fairly flexible so I’m able to take him to school in the morning.

I guess I’m trying to ask if there is anything we can do to help facilitate a relationship with his mum/stepdad/step-siblings? It’s already been a month with very minimal contact between them, I don’t know if pushing him to go will help or make things worse :(

If there's no problem with him staying with you and his dad, then I'd say the lot of you to back off trying to 'fix this'. It's been barely a month since he moved in with you. He's only 12 and has had a massive change to his 'status quo'. He's been moved away from his familiar home, the people in it, and his routine into a place where he's 'surrounded' by people whose 'way of doing things' is new to him. He no longer knows 'his place'. I don't mean that in the pejorative sense, I mean it in the sense of a 12 year old knowing 'his place' in his own personal universe. We moved when our DS1 was 12 and even though it was his nuclear 'intact' family AND he was familiar with our new home (bought from a friend) it was still quite an upheaval for him and his behaviour was 'off' for awhile.

Pressuring him to say what's wrong is only going to make it worse because he probably doesn't even know himself exactly what's wrong. He just knows it isn't 'right'. Right now he needs some calm and peace. He needs consistent rules to lean against, not 'babying' nor 'bullying' (not suggesting OP is doing either). He needs to be encouraged calmly and non-judgmentally to explore the differences between 'before' and 'now' to see if he can put his finger on the 'sore spot'.

Maybe he's being treated unfairly there, maybe he's not. Maybe the house is chaotic, maybe it's not. Maybe he is just being 'a brat', maybe he isn't. But I think that barely a month isn't long enough for a 12 year old to figure things out. Good grief, I'm an adult and sometimes it takes me longer than a month to figure out what's unsettling me or making me unhappy.

By read the Full thread.

Questions I’d want answered from your DSS

What are the living arrangements?

Did He have his own room previously?
Does he now have to share with step siblings?
Does he get privacy to bathe? With his stuff? With changing? Eg is he made to let younger ones into pee when he’s showering?
Is it’s louder at home?
Does he get any autonomy over being able to play games he likes or tv shows he enjoys or has his likes been pushed to the bottom?
If the new step siblings are younger then have all the activities been set to the younger ones ages by default?
Has the pecking order for him changed? Eg was he the eldest and now he’s not or the youngest etc? If he’s not longer the eldest is the new eldest putting their bossy boots on and being a dick about him no longer being the eldest?
Does his mum actually make time for him now or is her time spread thin parenting kids that aren’t hers?
Are both parents being over zealous with strictness to contain 5 kids?
Is mum being overly strict compared to normal to help step siblings fit in? Or is she overcompensating with him to try to make the change smoother?

Is the new step dad being overly strict with him OR letting any poor behaviour from his kids slide?

Are the other siblings being a grass on him knowing he will get into trouble?

I come from a big family with all half siblings and my half siblings would be absolute bitches to me. They would take my stuff, Invade my space, I had no privacy, it was always lid, chaotic and generally bloody awful.

No if your DSS home has become even a fraction of what my home life was like and understand why he’s removed himself to your home as he sees it as a safe space.

If you can and are Ok with him staying let him but mum AND dad need to do school runs now dad needs to be a dad and modify his shift to meet his sons needs and IF this stay is going to become permanent then would it be beneficial for DSS to move schools that is closer to his new home so he can take himself too and from school?

I think that it is almost impossible for randoms on the internet to speculate on what is going on in this child's head/life to prompt this behaviour. The one thing that is clear though is a lot has happened in his life that he won't have had control of - from his parents splitting up to having to change to secondary school to having a new step parent and 2 new step siblings living in his house. He's now asserted himself a little and taken a bit of control back by saying he wants to live with OP and his dad. I think that the best thing would be for his dad to take him out somewhere neutral - perhaps a walk so that they are one on one but not face to face and tell him that he understands he's had to deal with a lot of changes and that he can choose where he lives but that if there are problems and things he wants to discuss then he can ask for help without judgement and make it clear that whether it is a big thing or a little thing it will be taken seriously. He should also be encouraged to meet his mum but at a time and place of his choosing (within reason so if it is at your house or at a neutral space like a cafe that is his choice. He's at the age where he will start to try and make his own choices and a good relationship with his dad now might help him make sensible ones as the teenage years begin.

I do think that his dad should consider a chat with the school though to explain the situation - do they even know about the various changes to his living arrangements - and ask them to keep and eye out for him.

Like a couple of other posters have said what about the step dad? How does he treat him. Maybe he is horrible to him when they are alone. Just one other thing to consider. I know it’s not a nice thing to think about. How did he get on with the step dad before they moved in together?

@Escargooooooo I don't need sighing at thanks, your attitude on this thread is bizarre. You seem to have appointed yourself as an expert in what's going on here. You aren't. You're just another random on the Internet like the rest of us.

I'm slightly bewildered about why no-one has realised yet that @escargooooooo is the poor lad's mum? That is the only way that she can be so certain of the reasons behind the OPS DSS' reasons for wanting to live with his DD, and not even visit his DM.

@escargooooooo (aka DSS' mum), from everything you have shown us here about your disregard for your DS, I am 💯% behind his decision to live with his DD and DSM, and if I were you, I would text him a couple of times a week to tell him that I understood how he was feeling, that I loved him and was missing him, but that I was willing to wait for him to feel happy to meet me for a McD's, and then maybe build up to go to the cinema with me. I would tell him that if, and when, he feels comfortable enough after that to come to his other "home" (when my DexH left me, got married to the OW, then had more children, and my children visited Dex EOW, it was thought of as their other home), for a meal/takeaway and a natter, or a board game if he likes those, I would make sure that he was given just as much care, attention and consideration as everyone else in the house. I would tell him that wherever you (his mum) are, that will always be his home as well, and that he can come home to live, or for a visit whenever he wanted to, and I would not put any more pressure on him to come home than that - as long as I knew he was still welcome to live with his DD and DSM.

@escargooooooo You have repeated a lot of times that he is just being a stroppy teenager (not that he is a teenager yet, but yes the hormones will be stirring), but you do admit that there is something like .999999% chance that something more sinister is going on. Even if there was 'only' .999999% that something worse was happening, you have not said what precautions to take if "it" is happening. We hear in the news practically every day about parents and step-parents abusing and even killing their children (and the reality of child abuse is going to be a lot higher than is ever reported on), do you think that because the numbers doing so are so low in your estimation, that it doesn't matter - that those children don't matter?

I would guess he feels like the mother has put her own wishes and needs before his so he is feeling rejected. He may have moved out as a way to show his mother this and what he is wanting is for her to put him first. Instead of her saying the new arrangements aren't working she is just carrying on and showing a complete lack of regard for him. Her actions show she doesn't care enough to put him first as she isn't willing to change anything for him.
Poor boy. He probably feels very hurt and rejected. Please don't pressure him to see her - he'll probably take that as you not wanting him at yours (further rejection). Just try and provide a loving home. I doubt he'll forgive his mother with the attitude she seems to have. This is for her to fix not you.

Just posting to say that you sound like such a kind and caring stepmum Op 🥰

And @Escargooooooo you are breathtakingly rude.

Poor lad. Hid DF home is his home and he sounds like he's welcome in it. He will see his siblings when they are with their DF.
The only person missing is his DM, and this should be between him and her. Gently encourage him, but don't force the issue.
Keep an eye on his siblings too. It may be that the SDad is dominant and his DC are being casually favoured and prioritised in the household.

I would say that he is probably simply happier living with you and his dad and is scared if he goes along playing happy families with his mum and siblings there is a danger that he might be pushed to live there some of the time.

well why should he go back if he doesn't want to.
as long as you can keep him, and he behaves himself at your house.
i don't see what the problem is really.
it's good that he has somewhere to stay where he does feel ok.
just let him be.
and it's good that you've made your home so calm and welcoming.

You sound like a lovely step mum, and your DH is lucky that he has your support.

It doesn’t sound to me like he needs therapy or that there’s anything wrong with him, most people would be a bit disgruntled if they were suddenly forced to have three new people move into their home against their will, even if they do generally get on with those people.

How mum is being a shit mum if she thinks it’s ok to do this to her son. It’s probably already beyond the point that he won’t forgive her for choosing her boyfriend and his kids over him.

In your position I’d stop trying to force the relationship and let him know that you fully support him in living with you full time. Do everything you can to make him settle into having moved to yours and as soon as the pressure is taken off him he will probably want to rebuild the relationship with his mum, if she can bring herself to understand his position.

He's had absolutely no say or control over what happens in his life or who's added to it, and clearly feels more comfortable with his dad and OP. It IS overwhelming for kids when they're expected to just 'get over' such a huge upheaval - especially as his mum seems to be placing blame straight back onto him instead of owning the fact that she's turned his world upside down.

Agree with this. I feel sorry for him.

And his mum sounds pretty cold. The fact that she told a 12yo he had depression on one of their rare meetings to try and out this right was truly appalling.

I’d give him plenty of time and space and hugs.