Stepson refusing to go back to mums home

[Original88]

DSS is 12. Before Christmas mum moved in with her long term partner (so DSS now lives with 2 siblings and 2 step-siblings)

DS is not happy with the living arrangement but can’t articulate what the issue is other than everyone annoys him and he hates it there. DS is arguing with everyone in the house, particularly mum.

At the end of Jan he came to live with his dad and I full time (was previously every other weekend and evening in the week arrangement). We don’t have children, I WFH and DP works 6-4 every day so I am doing all school runs etc.

DSS is refusing to go back to his mums, even for dinner or 1 night on the weekend. We’ve tried to get him to go a few times but he has a complete meltdown, crying, saying he hates everyone and everyone hates him, has even said he wants to die. He’s only lasted about 6 hours at mums house since the beginning of Feb.

He can’t explain why he feels the way he does. He seems happy to never see them or go back there again.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I’m concerned that he’s this unhappy with the situation but don’t know how to resolve it

He is reacting completely normally to a horrible situation.
His mother has introduced new people into his home without his consent (by the sound of it) - of course he has the right to be pissed off.
A new man in the house? I wouldn’t be happy either.

@EthelTheAardvark

If he's suddenly been forced to share his home with his mother's partner and two other children and his mother's attitude is simply that he must get on with it, you can kind of see where he's coming from. How many of us would like to share a house with three non-relatives and have no say in any of it? And if we objected, how happy would we be to have our feelings dismissed as just a tantrum?

Completely agree with this. He's had absolutely no say or control over what happens in his life or who's added to it, and clearly feels more comfortable with his dad and OP. It IS overwhelming for kids when they're expected to just 'get over' such a huge upheaval - especially as his mum seems to be placing blame straight back onto him instead of owning the fact that she's turned his world upside down.

What is wrong with Escargooooooo? OP please ignore this poster. I assume she has a lot of guilt about her own parenting decisions and is taking them out on others.

Please don’t force him to stay if he doesn’t want ti. And I’m sorry but I’ll say it - don’t rule out abuse or nefarious behaviour at the home. This unrelated man moved in and suddenly he wants to die and doesn’t want to stay overnight??? Sexual abuse of children does happen and it’s not common but it’s not rare. Please don’t immediately discount it as impossible.

I think for now you need to just let him stay with you, and mum will have to take a step back.

When I left my DH my DS was 11. He absolutely would not go round and see his dad. He used to stay over night twice a week on a monday and a thursday. He used to spend all weekend fretting and stressing about Monday, then when he got back he would do the same about the Thursday. I had everyone saying it was tough shit, that's his dad, he needs to see him etc etc (there was no reason at all he didn't;t want to go, he just didn't) and in the end I got him to speak to a counsellor. I asked the counsellor if that was his child would he force him to go and stay with his dad and his answer was absolutely not. So I stopped him going round there, told my ex that if he wanted to see him he would have to come and see him round mine and that was that.

Would he be happy to see his mum on her own round your house? Is that a possibility? I don't agree with anyone saying it's too bad and he needs to still go there, I think it would be a big mistake to push him onto that.

I think meeting up with mum for a hot chocolate might be enough for now provided, of course, that mum is emotionally mature enough to just enjoy his company and chat rather than badger him about moving back.

I can't imagine much worse than being forced to share my home with some random bloke my Mum fell for, plus his kids. Poor children being forced into these situations then being called brats on MN for being unhappy about it.

Mum is saying he needs to get over himself and he needs to tolerate his siblings and step siblings

Well that's the problem. That's obviously overwhelming for him right now. I wouldn't want to go to therapy to be fixed enough to live my mum's life either.

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

Then again his mum's attitude could the the reason for all this. We do not know.

Young Minds have a helpline for parents, think it’s got a web chat too. They might be able to give you some pointers on how best to tackle this. Certainly his mums attitude won’t be helping at all when emotions are high. He is so young and probably won’t know how to articulate his feelings about it all in a way that doesn’t upset Mum.

This may sound really ridiculous but bear with me… if he can’t put his feelings into words or if he is too embarrassed to and he won’t speak to a doctor, could you buy him some paper/pens and tell him he can do some drawings on his own in his room about how he is feeling right now or about specific things that have happened in the house since they all moved in together? Tell him that you and Dad will look at them privately if he doesn’t want to bring them to show you himself, maybe he can leave them somewhere like your pillow when he goes to bed. It might help give you a little insight into what’s going on in his head? I know when I’m struggling I write it all down either in a letter or just a journal style and then rip it up. I just need to get it out. My DC is the same, she draws what she feels. He sounds like a really sensitive little boy with a lot of hormones potentially flying about! Think you need to try and know what’s going on before you push spending time at Mum’s new house.

To be fair the op dh has done the same as the mum. Without the children mind you but he had introduced a step mother into the mix and the son didn't ask for that either. The mum is entitled to a relationship just as much as the father.

However, its probably overwhelming having so many people in the house. Its likely the son is treated a bit less favorably because there us now 5 kids, so there will be fighting between them, fighting fir adult attention, lots of compromise and lots if chaos and noise. The son probably feels hated because he's told to stop complaining, stop fighting with step siblings and to muck in. Its probably made worse by the fact he's one of the older dc because if arguments occur he is more likely to get the blame or be told off, he's probably less likely to get the attention too with younger siblings in the home.

Just let him stay and work up to visits to his mums in time.

Although the ages are different, this is very, very similar to something that happened with my DSD16 when she was younger. To cut a long story short my DH eventually told her he would look very bad if she didn't spend time with her mum & she needed to try to articulate what was wrong or he would have to take her to her mums because the courts said he had to. Result was she had a meltdown, disclosed lots of disturbing stuff about her DM & her "friend", SS got involved and she has lived with us full time since. It took about 4 years for DSD to re-build her relationship with her DM and start spending a decent amount of time with her again. Eight years later and she's about to have more therapy because of what she dealt with in her childhood at her mum's house.
As PP have said, it's not always easy for children to articulate what is wrong, especially if adults are saying that certain behaviours are ok or a child has been conditioned to think something is normal. In DSD's case she had been explicitly told by DMs "friend" not to tell her dad or her mum would get in trouble. Because of our experience I would default to assuming that there genuinely is something wrong until proven otherwise, or the consequences for your DSS may be lifelong.

[quote Babadook76]@Escargooooooo I’d just stop talking now, as each one of your posts makes look more clueless and nasty than the last one.[/quote]
Says the person telling others whose opinion they don't agree with to "stop talking" and name-calling.

Lol.

My kids in their young teens would struggle to suddenly live with a new partner plus two extra kids. It's a sensitive time, hormones and school can result in much upheaval just on their own. I'd find a compromise where he can stay with you but he will need to see his mum somehow even if not at that house.

@Rewritethestars1

To be fair the op dh has done the same as the mum. Without the children mind you but he had introduced a step mother into the mix and the son didn't ask for that either. The mum is entitled to a relationship just as much as the father.

However, its probably overwhelming having so many people in the house. Its likely the son is treated a bit less favorably because there us now 5 kids, so there will be fighting between them, fighting fir adult attention, lots of compromise and lots if chaos and noise. The son probably feels hated because he's told to stop complaining, stop fighting with step siblings and to muck in. Its probably made worse by the fact he's one of the older dc because if arguments occur he is more likely to get the blame or be told off, he's probably less likely to get the attention too with younger siblings in the home.

Just let him stay and work up to visits to his mums in time.

I agree with the last two paragraphs, but come on, the dad has not "done the same". He was not the resident parent. And the step-children do make a big difference to the situation too.

To be fair the op dh has done the same as the mum. Without the children mind you but he had introduced a step mother into the mix and the son didn't ask for that either. The mum is entitled to a relationship just as much as the father.

No, the OPs husband hasn't done the same. Stepson was EOW at his dads prior to this, which isn't the same as introducing a step dad plus step siblings into the boys home that he lived in practically full time.

And DSS obviously feels very comfortable with his step mum and not so comfortable with his step dad, which makes me think there's more to this than just not wanting to be there.

@KatherineJaneway

Because the mother clearly isn't phased. She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

Then again his mum's attitude could the the reason for all this. We do not know.

Possibly.

That's the thing. We don't know. But always on these threads is the pearl clutching crowd look for deep and sinister meaning. Which could, of course, be the case. But seem to glaringly over look the much more overriding reason that teens can be precious and dramatic. I shrunk DS jeans last week and had "ruined everything".

So what needs to be established, is what exactly is going on. And on the basis there are (is it 4?) other siblings quite happily living together in the same environment, and the mother is saying he needs to get over himself (we have no reason at all to suspect her of ulterior motive) then I don't understand the absolute resistance to accepting that the most likely reason is that this one teenage child, out of the five, has taken umbrage and done the traditional teen stomp out "I'm moving out/going to live with my dad."

And yet again, it's not the only reason it could be. But it's the most likely. So rather than get all worked up and carried away with something unlikely, it's more sensible to start on the basis of the most likely scenario unless you see evidence otherwise.

There's no reason why he shouldn't live with his dad either, at the end of the day, if his dad can accommodate him and they both prefer the set up.

My daughter did this to me for no reason at all, genuinely. She just went to her dads and never came back. I see her twice a year. She was perfectly fine here, I don’t think I’d ever even raised my voice at her she was such a good kid, her dad just has a bigger wallet and let’s her do what she likes. I just let them get on with it, which is what I suspect your stepsons mum is doing. Fair play to her.

Perhaps he's feeling a little displaced in his mum's affections, and is 'testing' her. He wants her to prove that he's still important to him, and to make the effort to get him back home. This could have come about from Mum putting her new stepchildren first in an effort to make them feel at home/comfortable and her son being 12, dealing with hormones and a massive change is feeling a bit abandoned/neglected, like he's not sure of his place with his mum anymore.

@Original88

Has she made any effort other than one meal out to spend time with him, actually listening to him and reassuring him? Or is it simply "get over yourself"?

And DSS obviously feels very comfortable with his step mum and not so comfortable with his step dad, which makes me think there's more to this than just not wanting to be there.

Why is that obvious? It's speculation. Why is it always "oooh, I suspect there much more to this" when the only thing that is obvious, is that he's getting his own big room and can do as he pleases far more at dad's house where as he has to share at mum's.

Teens are all about themselves. There might be deeper reasons, but, again, why must the most obvious be continually over looked?

I wonder

@StormBaby

My daughter did this to me for no reason at all, genuinely. She just went to her dads and never came back. I see her twice a year. She was perfectly fine here, I don’t think I’d ever even raised my voice at her she was such a good kid, her dad just has a bigger wallet and let’s her do what she likes. I just let them get on with it, which is what I suspect your stepsons mum is doing. Fair play to her.

Amen!

Personally I'd leave him at yours full time indefinitely. When he's ready to see his mum, he'll say so. I do think the more he's pushed, the more he'll resist.

«How many of us would be happy to suddenly share a house with new people»
Well that is the difference between adults and children though, adults are responsible for running the house but get to decide.
As an adult I wouldn’t be happy to be told what was for dinner, when I have to go to bed, in which area I was going to live etc. But then whilst I would take into account my DC’s view I would also have final say if I wanted to move in with a new partner.

@Escargooooooo

And DSS obviously feels very comfortable with his step mum and not so comfortable with his step dad, which makes me think there's more to this than just not wanting to be there.

Why is that obvious? It's speculation. Why is it always "oooh, I suspect there much more to this" when the only thing that is obvious, is that he's getting his own big room and can do as he pleases far more at dad's house where as he has to share at mum's.

Teens are all about themselves. There might be deeper reasons, but, again, why must the most obvious be continually over looked?

I wonder

Your teens might have been about themselves. Mine wasn't.

You are speculating hugely, why can't anyone else.

Even if 99.99% of teenagers that do this are just been stropy teenagers. Still doesn't mean this is what's happening here.

You seem to think it's unthinkable that a mother might be in the wrong.

You mention one thread. There's tons of posts and threads on here from adults who's childhoods and teen years were ruined by their parents moving someone in. Do you think they must have all been strppy teenagers?

Your teens might have been about themselves. Mine wasn't.

Yes, I could have banked on your complete opposite teen who is selfless and acts like no other teenager ever has.

You are speculating hugely, why can't anyone else.

Er, the likelihood of a teen having a strop is me "speculating"...ok...

Even if 99.99% of teenagers that do this are just been stropy teenagers. Still doesn't mean this is what's happening here.

Correct. It's 99.99% likely. Get the idea now? Hence it's what's most likely happening here.

You seem to think it's unthinkable that a mother might be in the wrong.

Are you hard of reading? The word is unlikely. For future reference, this does not mean "unthinkable"

You mention one thread. There's tons of posts and threads on here from adults who's childhoods and teen years were ruined by their parents moving someone in. Do you think they must have all been strppy teenagers?

Deary me. Yes because I mentioned specifically one, that means that's the only one. Definitely.

It's obvious @Escargooooooo because he's happy to be there full time with his dad and OP and he's not happy to be with his mum and her partner. How is that so hard to grasp?

I'm not saying there's bath ring abusive going on in his mum's house, just that he feels uncomfortable there. Which is pretty obvious considering he doesn't want to be there!