Stepson refusing to go back to mums home

[Original88]

DSS is 12. Before Christmas mum moved in with her long term partner (so DSS now lives with 2 siblings and 2 step-siblings)

DS is not happy with the living arrangement but can’t articulate what the issue is other than everyone annoys him and he hates it there. DS is arguing with everyone in the house, particularly mum.

At the end of Jan he came to live with his dad and I full time (was previously every other weekend and evening in the week arrangement). We don’t have children, I WFH and DP works 6-4 every day so I am doing all school runs etc.

DSS is refusing to go back to his mums, even for dinner or 1 night on the weekend. We’ve tried to get him to go a few times but he has a complete meltdown, crying, saying he hates everyone and everyone hates him, has even said he wants to die. He’s only lasted about 6 hours at mums house since the beginning of Feb.

He can’t explain why he feels the way he does. He seems happy to never see them or go back there again.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I’m concerned that he’s this unhappy with the situation but don’t know how to resolve it

Jesus I am glad there were no @Escargooooooo around when my stepdaughter was going through all her shit. I hope to God they don't work in safeguarding.

You sound really lovely op. Do you and ss have a good relationship? (It sounds like it but just checking).
Would he be up for going for a walk with his dad, mum and you?
At dinner he’s kind of stuck wherever the meal is, on a walk he can escape. Keep conversation neutral, don’t use the walk to fix or discuss why this is happening. No pressure on him and making sure that the emotions of the adults aren’t the focus.
Does he have any hobbies?

Given his age there's probably a few things going on.

Primarily I would suspect a realisation that things will never return to how they were in the sense of the nuclear family.

His Mom sounding a bit selfish doesn't help either.

It's not surprising he wants some space where he's the only child and probably feels a bit more valued.

The pull of his siblings will probably change his mind in time. Just go with it for now :)

@Escargooooooo Because the mother clearly isn't phased.

Yes, she seems self-involved and doesn't give a stuff, we know.

She knows her son, and whether she should be worried or not.

Clearly she doesn't know him at all, and the more OP posts about the 'mother' the more it's obvious she is a neglectful one who puts her 'boyfriends' above the needs and welfare of her son and then blames her son for needing his mum. She can write it off as a tantrum so she can keep fucking her boyfriend and throwing her son under the bus.

It's clear her son is safer mentally and emotionally at least with the OP. His mum is ever so clearly the type to put boyfriends before her own child.

@Escargooooooo No decent 'mother would say her own innocent vulnerable child needs to 'get over himself'. What sort of a mother speaks like that about a innocent vulnerable little boy? That language shows you she is no mother, she puts boyfriends and the cock first, and her son last. That she would even lack such maternal instinct to say a vulnerable innocent small child should 'get over itself' proves more and more the boy is not safe with his 'mother', all she cares about is getting a root. Any mother will always choose their child over a boyfriend. This 'mother' has clearly chosen her boyfriend over her own child.

You lack not just empathy for children, but reasoning and critical thinking skills, @Escargooooooo . It is very unlikely that a 12 year old child is just having a 'tantrum'. It's very clear from the OP's posts that this little boy is quite distraught. A child does not act that way just because they no longer have a bigger room. Get real! You don't seem to understand children. The way the child was so distraught shows something serious is going on. And the way his 'mother' speaks about him, suggesting he 'needs to get over himself' (no parent would ever speak like that about a child) shows that the mother has rejected her own son, in favour of her boyfriend. The 'mother' is clearly no mother at all because she puts her boyfriend first and the needs of her child/ren last.

I'd suggest lots of reassurance that he has a home with you and very slow with mum maybe a meal out or a walk or something ever few weeks and slowly build it. Stop talking about him going back to his mums.

The move should not have happened until all the children were comfortable with the situation. Just because the adults are ready for the next step doesn’t mean the full family is ready to blend. It can take years to build those kinds of relationships and sometimes they just aren’t going to happen.