School holidays with SC and DC

[Gottamakesense]

Just wondering how any other working mums with SC figure this one out...

We have SD9 50:50 and the arrangement has recently changed so we have her for all school holidays (we used to split these). I take my holiday days in school holidays when my older DC is not in nursery. I also have a 1 year old DC. These days off are valuable as I work very long hours during the week and we have SD Thursday to Monday every week, so I don't get time with my DC on a standard week.

Now that SD will be here for all holidays, I am not sure how I will get any down time or 1:1 time with my own DC. I get on well with SD but she is very hyperactive (possible SEN) so when here activities centre around her.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too. I now foresee spending all my future holidays entertaining SD and not giving much attention to my own DC, let alone any 1:1 time.

I don't really know what to do to get a chance to bond with my own DC in this situation. Any suggestions?

It sounds like you are organising your entire life around his contact arrangement/to make his life easier. You are working FT and he’s PT but you’re still making the arrangements to be there for your child as if he’s at work. Why can’t he take his younger children with him on the school run, like parents across the land do?

You should be able to finish late on the days he’s there because if contact and finish early to allow you time with your children. You should be able to consider going PT to meet your family’s needs rather than facilitating whatever I’d best for him and his ex.

A proper discussion with properly allocated responsibilities is definitely needed.

All very good points. It does appear I have put my own needs last and, as a consequence, those of my DC. Unfortunately it seems my poor boundaries and possibly overly-optimistic planning have lead me to an impasse. A big rethink on roles and responsibilities. Now is a good time to instigate some change, actually, as changes are happening anyway. And I don't want to end up burnt out and resentful, with miserable kids around me, before acting.

I can't believe how deep this has gone! It is so helpful to have the perspective of other stepmums. Thank you all so much! So much insight

@Gottamakesense

All very good points. It does appear I have put my own needs last and, as a consequence, those of my DC. Unfortunately it seems my poor boundaries and possibly overly-optimistic planning have lead me to an impasse. A big rethink on roles and responsibilities. Now is a good time to instigate some change, actually, as changes are happening anyway. And I don't want to end up burnt out and resentful, with miserable kids around me, before acting.

Absolutely! You've got this

I'm not a step parent btw, but most people should be able to see that your generosity has been taken advantage of. Good luck!

@Gottamakesense

All very good points. It does appear I have put my own needs last and, as a consequence, those of my DC. Unfortunately it seems my poor boundaries and possibly overly-optimistic planning have lead me to an impasse. A big rethink on roles and responsibilities. Now is a good time to instigate some change, actually, as changes are happening anyway. And I don't want to end up burnt out and resentful, with miserable kids around me, before acting.

These situations are your classic boiled frog cliche. You just don’t realise til it’s too late (or, as is the case here, something has woken you up and brought the warming water around you to your attention).

You can assert some sensible boundaries and roles in your household now.

@Gottamakesense

I can't believe how deep this has gone! It is so helpful to have the perspective of other stepmums. Thank you all so much! So much insight

You're absolutely welcome. I think you have a really good point, none of this is about SD or a reflection of how much you like her. It's about expected roles and responsibilities.

I wouldn't allow myself to become automatic childcare for step daughter. Make whatever plans you want to with your own children and leave her to her dad.
My step children are often here in holidays; if I've got plans with my friends or my family then I take my children and leave my husband with his two at home. I'm not default and they do not come with me. They aren't my responsibility to look after and I certainly wouldn't start acting as childcare. If her dad cannot manage looking after her then perhaps her mum could pull her finger out and take her turn.

However much you love and welcome SD, you would be crazy to sleepwalk into being an unpaid nanny for her up to 75% of the time including all school holidays.

How lovely for the ex to decide she doesnt do school holidays any more. How convenient for your DP that @Gottamakesense will pick everything up on top of her full time work and at the expense of her own children.

Your DC deserve time with you and you deserve to enjoy all the fun of them growing up, without having this enormous ongoing responsibility.

Your DP needs to respect you more. You and your little ones - and SD - deserve better. Please don’t be afraid to speak up.

@Dontbeme

So DSD mum pays no cm, it's about 75/25 split with DSD with you and her dad majority of the time. You work full-time, you DH is self employed and part-time but the childcare falls to you yet he doesn't want you to parent your DSD, am I understanding that right? If I am I don't know why you are not angry and considering walking away from this set up entirely. They are all taking you for a mug OP.

Totally

I feel so sorry for you, why does he only work part time and you work long hours?

The elephant in the room is the SEN question. Does DSD go to mainstream school, and if so, how do they manage her behaviour? Will a standard holiday club be able to cope with her? As you are underplaying the impact of everyone else's behaviour, I wonder if both her DM and DF are simply ducking having to deal with this (and her)?

I would prioritize getting a private diagnosis for her, because that may allow you to access further outside help.

I think your DH needs to work a 3 day week and have all the DC in the school holidays when you have DSD so he actually realised what he is expecting of you.

They are totally taking you for a mug.

Her Mum needs to pay for some holiday club stuff.

@SpaceshiptoMars

The elephant in the room is the SEN question. Does DSD go to mainstream school, and if so, how do they manage her behaviour? Will a standard holiday club be able to cope with her? As you are underplaying the impact of everyone else's behaviour, I wonder if both her DM and DF are simply ducking having to deal with this (and her)?

I would prioritize getting a private diagnosis for her, because that may allow you to access further outside help.

Really good post starship

Or spaceship

@SpaceshiptoMars

The elephant in the room is the SEN question. Does DSD go to mainstream school, and if so, how do they manage her behaviour? Will a standard holiday club be able to cope with her? As you are underplaying the impact of everyone else's behaviour, I wonder if both her DM and DF are simply ducking having to deal with this (and her)?

I would prioritize getting a private diagnosis for her, because that may allow you to access further outside help.

She does go to mainstream school and no concerns reported, standard playscheme wouldn't have trouble with her behaviour. She may however not really enjoy playschemes due to social communication issues. It is hard to tell, due to those same issues. She might prefer to be in her own comfortable environment, where she can be herself. Without being an educational psychologist myself I shouldn't project too much. But she does need a lot more close attention for lots of things than you would guess. Her parents are looking into an assessment which is good as I worry about secondary school where social demands are greater.

*lots more things than you would guess