School holidays with SC and DC

[Gottamakesense]

Just wondering how any other working mums with SC figure this one out...

We have SD9 50:50 and the arrangement has recently changed so we have her for all school holidays (we used to split these). I take my holiday days in school holidays when my older DC is not in nursery. I also have a 1 year old DC. These days off are valuable as I work very long hours during the week and we have SD Thursday to Monday every week, so I don't get time with my DC on a standard week.

Now that SD will be here for all holidays, I am not sure how I will get any down time or 1:1 time with my own DC. I get on well with SD but she is very hyperactive (possible SEN) so when here activities centre around her.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too. I now foresee spending all my future holidays entertaining SD and not giving much attention to my own DC, let alone any 1:1 time.

I don't really know what to do to get a chance to bond with my own DC in this situation. Any suggestions?

Not sure what to do as starting to parent SD like my own would inevitably cause friction with DH.

You need to see this as as extremely inappropriate on his part as it is. He expects you to look after his child like she's yours, but it would cause friction if you parented her as such? This is really, really poor form. He needs to buck up his ideas, he is currently being a terrible partner and you aren't seeing it for what it is.

@aSofaNearYou

Part of the problem here is the fact that I am a step parent, so as pp picked up on above SD very much does expect to be entertained by me. As I am not the parent I can't be strict with her in the same way as with my own DC e.g. 'I'm doing play dough for a bit why don't you read a book?'.

I notice a lot of passivity and resignation from you that doesn't need to be there, OP. This combined with the looking after her "falling" to you.

Her dad is there, it should not fall to you, just tell him to get off his arse and entertain her because it's his job.

Also, if you are looking after her, especially in this false system that assumes it's as much your job as his, then you absolutely CAN and should be as strict with her as you would if she were your own and tell her to read a book.

I think you are assuming you need to tiptoe around her and her dad much more than you do.

Perhaps I am being too passive. I will need to work on a constructive way of asking for what I need/think is best for all the children. A stressed tired stepmum/mum is not great for anyone.

You’re right that the problem is that it’s an agreement premised on you taking in the responsibility.

If your husband is agreeing to have her 70% of the time, then he needs to be the one that is making the compromises to meet the needs of his 3 children. That’s totally reasonable.

Would it be useful to sit down with a counsellor to talk through the issues? One that has a good understanding if stepfamilies can help you to agree what the different needs and responsibilities are and to come to an agreement that works for you both.

it is good for DH and DC to spend time with SD. So in theory it is all good. But in practice it really is me giving most of my energy to to SD.

It's good for your DH, DC and SD - but you are the one with the extra work?? I think, if this becomes a permanent arrangement, you need to stop taking all your leave days on school holidays and save a few days for yourself, and let DH have all his kids for some of the days during the school holidays.
Maybe use some of your leave to leave work early and pick up the kids from school on the days you just have your own kids so you can have 1:1 time with them.

Or would his ex paying maintenance allow you to drop your hours to get a day off with just your children somewhere Monday to Wednesday?

@Maxiedog123

But why does SD not get to spend any holiday time with her other parent at all?

This is at mum's request. It might be different when summer holidays come. I am not sure this has been thought through.

I bet as soon as the cm goes through she will want 50/50

@DoNotTouchTheWater

Or would his ex paying maintenance allow you to drop your hours to get a day off with just your children somewhere Monday to Wednesday?

It might. But, I expect any suggestion of this would see a return to the normal 50:50. Which would perhaps not be what DH and DC want. So I don't want to rock the boat by getting involved in finances.

OP I think you need to sit down with your DH and explain the change has a huge impact on you and your other children. Part of this is you will be taking more of a parent role rather than fun Aunty role and so will be saying “no” to your SD. You need to agree house/family rules you both agree on and he must support you and not undermine you.

If he isn’t willing to do this then he cannot expect you to take on the responsibility for all holidays.

As pp said Mum needs to be paying CM.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too

Why is that if DH is there too?

Why are you treated as free childcare by both of her parents?

I think setting it out as part of his options would be important. If he wants his daughter to be there 70% of the time, how is he going to facilitate you having time with just your children (which they need and deserve)? He could claim the child maintenance he’s entitled to (and not just technically) to allow you to drop a day in the first half of the week. He could increase his work hours to make up for it instead. He could change his contact arrangements to enable you to have some weekends with just your children. He has choices, and he needs to properly consider you and your children in making contact and maintenance decisions with his ex.

He also needs to look long and hard at his attitude about his you are allowed to relate to a child who lives in your house 70% of the time. Both for you, but also to be fair to all the children.

@DoNotTouchTheWater

I think setting it out as part of his options would be important. If he wants his daughter to be there 70% of the time, how is he going to facilitate you having time with just your children (which they need and deserve)? He could claim the child maintenance he’s entitled to (and not just technically) to allow you to drop a day in the first half of the week. He could increase his work hours to make up for it instead. He could change his contact arrangements to enable you to have some weekends with just your children. He has choices, and he needs to properly consider you and your children in making contact and maintenance decisions with his ex.

He also needs to look long and hard at his attitude about his you are allowed to relate to a child who lives in your house 70% of the time. Both for you, but also to be fair to all the children.

This is very true. I am also concerned about the effect of my not setting boundaries with SD on my DC as that will have a big impact on my parenting choices.

@DoNotTouchTheWater

Maybe making it clearer to your DH that he has the child c. 70% of the time might make him recognise that he should be receiving maintenance. And that this is to benefit his daughter.

Although, my suspicion would be that the mother may want to review contact arrangements again rather than: 1. Admit she’s a nonresident parent; and 2. Pay maintenance for the child.

Well she would have a choice, pay child maintenance or half the school holidays.

It might. But, I expect any suggestion of this would see a return to the normal 50:50. Which would perhaps not be what DH and DC want. So I don't want to rock the boat by getting involved in finances.

Has it ever actually been 50-50?

Monday to Wednesday (3/7 days) and half the holidays is not 50% of the time with her mother.

Even if it went back to that, she should be paying maintenance. All nonresident parents are legally and morally obliged to. Far too many don’t (like this one).

Sorry both your DH and her birth mother are taking the piss out if you

@StormyWindow

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too

Why is that if DH is there too?

It is hard to explain without knowing the children. It is partly due to our division of responsibilities - I sort out all the meals, while he has other chores he covers. I like my children to have structured mealtimes and routines whereas he is more relaxed, which means I do meals. It does generally work best this way, but sort of means I set the pace of the day and am in the midst of things. Another reason is just that SD is hyperactive and focused on me, that's just the way she is. And I don't set boundaries with her due to various step parenting resources saying I should be 'fun auntie'.

I think it also is because SD was an only child for a long time with both a disney mum, and disney dad! And maybe now a Disney sm!

I am also concerned about the effect of my not setting boundaries with SD on my DC as that will have a big impact on my parenting choices.

This is really important. It would be nigh on impossible not to resent a situation where you are unable to parent your children in ways that matter to you because of how her parents allow their child to behave.

Although you can be fun auntie the SD should still live by house rules such as sitting at the table, chores etc and this includes saying no to her sometimes such as when you said you can't tell her to read a book because you are doing play dough at the moment. You absolutely can do that. Just say yes we will do (her requested activity) later/after lunch/once we have finished playing this. That way it isn't an absolute no just a postponement until convenient.

I am another agog that you seem to be so passive that BOTH her parents are happy to use you as primary carer but you aren't "allowed" to act as a parent because it would cause friction with DH.

I think it is time for boundaries to be set with all 3 of them!

It's a really unusual set up you have. One parent doing all the weekends and holidays.
I think you need to reframe your role here, it sounds like you are a kind and caring SM and more involved than the child's own Mum.
Instead of thinking about this in terms of SC/DC in all families it's good to spend 1:1 time with each child. I have SC and DC and enjoy both time with them both but also time with my own child. They need that too. Children shouldn't all be lumped together.
I think that you do need to feel that you can parent your SC in the same way. Do you don't feel like you have to be entertaining her all the time. Your DH needs to step up too. Contact time is primarily for that contact, although she's with you so much of the time that's a bit moot. But she needs and should have time with him, especially given how detached her Mum is. I would be concerned about that level of disconnect to be honest.

I don't want her to come less (unless she is doing something with her mum as I agree that would be good for her) - it is good for DH and DC to spend time with SD.

It is good, but only if he's actually spending that time? It sounds like he's only spending time with SC after work while you're actually doing all the days.

I think if he's self-employed but has agreed to have his daughter for the whole of every school holiday then he needs to plan to work part-time during those weeks.

If the problem is that your SD seeks you out, then your DH needs to be on hand to step in and prevent that from happening all the time. He needs to be focused on entertaining or occupying her so she isn't chasing you around. This is something my DP does automatically because he is aware that I want HIM to be the one sorting his son, but the problem is this seems so far removed from your husband's expectations as it stands, it's hard to imagine him seeing that need and rising to the occasion. It seems like you yourself don't even see yourself as being unfairly put upon, which you absolutely are.

What needs to happen is that your husband needs to hear some harsh truths about how much he has been taking the piss when it comes to putting the responsibility for looking after his daughter on you (not to mention totally unreasonable expectations of how you will do it, this would be unreasonable even without that!) For that to happen, it will need to come from you, so you need to see it, too!

@Beamur

It's a really unusual set up you have. One parent doing all the weekends and holidays. I think you need to reframe your role here, it sounds like you are a kind and caring SM and more involved than the child's own Mum. Instead of thinking about this in terms of SC/DC in all families it's good to spend 1:1 time with each child. I have SC and DC and enjoy both time with them both but also time with my own child. They need that too. Children shouldn't all be lumped together. I think that you do need to feel that you can parent your SC in the same way. Do you don't feel like you have to be entertaining her all the time. Your DH needs to step up too. Contact time is primarily for that contact, although she's with you so much of the time that's a bit moot. But she needs and should have time with him, especially given how detached her Mum is. I would be concerned about that level of disconnect to be honest.

He does get 1:1 time with her every week just not at a time when I can spend time with mine. So when I'm there it does feel like a tendancy to lump the children together, which makes sense to DH as they are his children. But I do think my children should get 1:1 time with me just as SD gets 1:1 time with her mum and her dad. I agree with PP I need to reassess my boundaries as there is a lot more to consider with this new arrangement.

@aSofaNearYou

If the problem is that your SD seeks you out, then your DH needs to be on hand to step in and prevent that from happening all the time. He needs to be focused on entertaining or occupying her so she isn't chasing you around. This is something my DP does automatically because he is aware that I want HIM to be the one sorting his son, but the problem is this seems so far removed from your husband's expectations as it stands, it's hard to imagine him seeing that need and rising to the occasion. It seems like you yourself don't even see yourself as being unfairly put upon, which you absolutely are.

What needs to happen is that your husband needs to hear some harsh truths about how much he has been taking the piss when it comes to putting the responsibility for looking after his daughter on you (not to mention totally unreasonable expectations of how you will do it, this would be unreasonable even without that!) For that to happen, it will need to come from you, so you need to see it, too!

Yes, he would need to be actively engaged with entertaining, engaging and sometimes redirecting SD all day morning to night. He would need to almost be a helicopter parent really and that's not his style. I think a compromise would be him taking her for a few days out.

Maybe having to helicopter around her all the time would be good for him though. He needs to recognise his demanding his daughter is and his much he is expecting of you (at the expense of your own children).