School holidays with SC and DC

[Gottamakesense]

Just wondering how any other working mums with SC figure this one out...

We have SD9 50:50 and the arrangement has recently changed so we have her for all school holidays (we used to split these). I take my holiday days in school holidays when my older DC is not in nursery. I also have a 1 year old DC. These days off are valuable as I work very long hours during the week and we have SD Thursday to Monday every week, so I don't get time with my DC on a standard week.

Now that SD will be here for all holidays, I am not sure how I will get any down time or 1:1 time with my own DC. I get on well with SD but she is very hyperactive (possible SEN) so when here activities centre around her.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too. I now foresee spending all my future holidays entertaining SD and not giving much attention to my own DC, let alone any 1:1 time.

I don't really know what to do to get a chance to bond with my own DC in this situation. Any suggestions?

@KindlyKanga

Or is Dad a teacher and Mum a holiday club worker? Or something like that.

Mum and I work ft, dad works self employed pt.

As for why her mum doesn't have her in holidays - I think she finds her behaviour difficult and also likes the free childcare option!

So the mother takes all her holidays without her daughter! The poor kid, that's not OK to do.

@KindlyKanga

If she's with you all the time in the holidays you are going to see more of her than her own mother as she goes to school in term time.

Yes. But that's her mother's choice. I am fine with the new arrangement in theory, but I do think there need to be some days when DH entertains or occupies SD. It's not something I can organise as that would cross a boundary as a step parent.

I am realising this is more of an issue of the dynamics of being a 'fun auntie' type step parent (which I've read is best) when actually doing a lot of the looking after!

I really think you need to be making a stand re the holidays and that her mother should be spending time with her.

As for why her mum doesn't have her in holidays - I think she finds her behaviour difficult and also likes the free childcare option!

Which is most definitely not acting in her child’s best interests. Sadly, there’s not much you can do with nonresident parents like that.

Does she pay maintenance for her nonresident child?

Definitely find her a holiday club. I have to put my son in one even some of the time I'm not at work just to keep him entertained and give structure (ADHD).

Part of the problem here is the fact that I am a step parent, so as pp picked up on above SD very much does expect to be entertained by me. As I am not the parent I can't be strict with her in the same way as with my own DC e.g. 'I'm doing play dough for a bit why don't you read a book?'.

I notice a lot of passivity and resignation from you that doesn't need to be there, OP. This combined with the looking after her "falling" to you.

Her dad is there, it should not fall to you, just tell him to get off his arse and entertain her because it's his job.

Also, if you are looking after her, especially in this false system that assumes it's as much your job as his, then you absolutely CAN and should be as strict with her as you would if she were your own and tell her to read a book.

I think you are assuming you need to tiptoe around her and her dad much more than you do.

@Maxiedog123

So the mother takes all her holidays without her daughter! The poor kid, that's not OK to do.

Yes, she must be. I don't think SD realises this, however. Which is good, but she probably will realise eventually.

How come you've become the default childcare for her DM ???
Its not your job ...your DH should not assume you are going to do this...

If he has agreed 50% more time in school holidays he needs to find a solution...for that time in conjunction with her DM

I'm not sure why your resisting the idea of holiday clubs its a perfectly usual way of managing school holidays. .but you need to be clearer maybe with your Dh that the solution is not you..

@DoNotTouchTheWater

As for why her mum doesn't have her in holidays - I think she finds her behaviour difficult and also likes the free childcare option!

Which is most definitely not acting in her child’s best interests. Sadly, there’s not much you can do with nonresident parents like that.

Does she pay maintenance for her nonresident child?

She doesn't pay maintainance. Although technically perhaps she should. She is the highest earner.

@averythinline

How come you've become the default childcare for her DM ??? Its not your job ...your DH should not assume you are going to do this...

If he has agreed 50% more time in school holidays he needs to find a solution...for that time in conjunction with her DM

I'm not sure why your resisting the idea of holiday clubs its a perfectly usual way of managing school holidays. .but you need to be clearer maybe with your Dh that the solution is not you..

I do like the idea of holiday clubs, but the problem is that I'm not actually in charge and also I don't want to sound rude (even though I will 100% put mine in clubs when older).

We stick to normal routine over the holidays and so DH looks after his DC and I look after mine when they are not with the other parent. He has to take the day off work or arrange childcare. Not my responsibility, I am already working and trying to look after my own DC!

@Housinghelp321

Oh. The OP said 50:50 so I assumed this was the case. Holiday clubs are an idea if she wants to hang out with kids her own age but it’s the notion that this girl is getting in the way with bonding with OP’s bio kids that’s unpleasant. If you’re going into a blended family situation you can’t treat your stepkids as an inconvenience that gets in the way of you spending time with your ‘real’ family. They are your family now and you knew that when you had children with someone who already had them.

If you are a parent getting into a relationship, you cannot railroad your partner into pretending your child is their own, and you need to be there to fulfil what is YOUR duty to the child so there's never any question of your partner not having 1:1 time with their own children. You knew you had children when you got into a relationship, you need to remember what your responsibilities are rather than trying to offload them.

And you @Housinghelp123, need to accept that your views are out of step with the actual reality of the situation, and there is a very valid reason that standards are "different" on the step parenting board. Because your relationship to the child is completely different.

@Gottamakesense

DH taking her for a day out, or booking activities some days, would be a good solution. However, I am not sure she will want to do an activity and might want to stay home. I would feel mean taking both younger DC out without DSC. DH doing a more grown up activity with SD would work as no one is being left out.

Don't feel mean.

Take your children out with you alone. Your husband can then do whatever with your step child. You don't have to do things together all the time.

I always take my DC out alone, hell I even take them on holiday, and yes sometimes it's when DSC are there too.

Nothing will stop me spending much needed quality time with my kids. I'm sorry if DSC feel a bit upset or jealous about it but I don't care enough to never do it personally! And that's because the way my children feel is just as important (if not moreso to me).

Spend the time with your kids and let you husband spend time with DSD. Easy fix imo.

So your DH picks DSD up from school Thursday has her all weekend then drops her at school Monday Mum then gets her from school and has her till Thursday every week? And during holidays she won't see mum at all for 6 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at Xmas, and half terms/weeks? Is that right?

Who came up with the arrangement? Isn't in the child's best interests at all
What happened during holidays before this change? Why isn't holidays split and childcare paid for if needed during each parents time?

@BuanoKubiamVej

With this level of days living with you, your SD is not a visitor who needs "entertaining" but is simply the eldest child in a blended family. You need to reframe your internal narrative so that you don't see entertaining SD as a separate task that prevents you from bonding with the younger DC. Think how you would manage things if all the children were your own, and adapt as necessary from that rather than considering the adaptations you are making from the other direction.

Why is your SD's own mother not having any time at all in the school holidays? That's very unusual unless there are serious health issues and if that's the case your SD will need some additional emotional support.

I fully agree that she isn't a visitor and doesn't need to be entertained on the face of it. But she is hyperactive and very focused on me, wants to be in charge of everything so no quiet time or time focused on the younger two (they are DHs too). As I said, possibly SEN but not confirmed.

I generally follow the nacho rules e.g. not disciplining or saying anything negative to or about SC, and being a fun auntie. But that clearly doesn't work in this situation.

Not sure what to do as starting to parent SD like my own would inevitably cause friction with DH.

it’s the notion that this girl is getting in the way with bonding with OP’s bio kids that’s unpleasant. If you’re going into a blended family situation you can’t treat your stepkids as an inconvenience that gets in the way of you spending time with your ‘real’ family

Yeah....no.

No one is telling me that I can't spend bonding time with my children. I don't care who they are, step children, spouse, whoever.

Whether you like it or not, it IS different having a child and a step child.

I don't really have any desire to spend quality bonding time with my step children, not to the same extent as my DC and I won't be told I can't do that.

She's not treating her as an inconvenience. Just expecting her own father to spend some time separately with her. Which is surely just good for the DSD anyway.

She doesn't pay maintainance. Although technically perhaps she should. She is the highest earner.

There’s no technically about it. She is very obviously the nonresident parent. Even without the entirety of the school holidays, the child is with her father 4 nights in every 7.

It looks like she’ll have the child about 117 nights a year. About 30% of the time. And absolutely none of it while her daughter doesn’t have school.

She should be paying maintenance at the 104-155 nights a year rate. There’s no technically about any of it. It’s not fathers who are liable for child maintenance; it’s nonresident parents.

@DoNotTouchTheWater

She doesn't pay maintainance. Although technically perhaps she should. She is the highest earner.

There’s no technically about it. She is very obviously the nonresident parent. Even without the entirety of the school holidays, the child is with her father 4 nights in every 7.

It looks like she’ll have the child about 117 nights a year. About 30% of the time. And absolutely none of it while her daughter doesn’t have school.

She should be paying maintenance at the 104-155 nights a year rate. There’s no technically about any of it. It’s not fathers who are liable for child maintenance; it’s nonresident parents.

100%.

I am realising this is more of an issue of the dynamics of being a 'fun auntie' type step parent (which I've read is best) when actually doing a lot of the looking after!

But if she is with you 60% of the week and all of the holiday times, then I think you have switched from being "fun aunty" to de facto mother as your home has now become her residence. This is where she spends most of her time. Her mother is now the non resident parent.

She absolutely should be paying maintenance. Tell DH to open a claim today.

I see he’s self employed, that’s great, he can make plenty of time to be with his older child. If he ever expects you to have her own he needs to commit to backing you up on any decisions you make in that time and empower you to be a proper parent figure. That means you can book holiday club, tell her to tidy her room, pull her up on anything you’re not happy about. He can’t have it both ways - you stepping in to help him with your hands tied behind your back because he doesn’t think you get a say.

OP I think you should definitely chat to your husband about him taking time off himself or booking SD into something over the holidays, even once or twice a week.

It's really not fair for him and his ex to make this agreement when it relies entirely on you caring for their daughter the majority of the time, when you're already juggling 2 pre-schoolers.

Not sure what to do as starting to parent SD like my own would inevitably cause friction with DH.

Why though? SD is now resident in your home and you are as much the responsible adult to deal with parenting issues as him - particularly if you are there full time on school holidays etc.

Sounds like there are a few things in the change in set up that needs to be addressed. At without meaning to criticise your partner, it seems the impact of the change of terms hasn't been completely thought through and you, and your other DC, are meant to just get along with it?

Maybe making it clearer to your DH that he has the child c. 70% of the time might make him recognise that he should be receiving maintenance. And that this is to benefit his daughter.

Although, my suspicion would be that the mother may want to review contact arrangements again rather than: 1. Admit she’s a nonresident parent; and 2. Pay maintenance for the child.

From reading the comments I think I need to ask DH to either plan some days out with SD, or some playschemes. This is a new informal arrangement so we haven't discussed summer etc yet.

I don't want her to come less (unless she is doing something with her mum as I agree that would be good for her) - it is good for DH and DC to spend time with SD. So in theory it is all good. But in practice it really is me giving most of my energy to to SD.