Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

School holidays with SC and DC

140 replies

Gottamakesense · 01/03/2022 23:38

Just wondering how any other working mums with SC figure this one out...

We have SD9 50:50 and the arrangement has recently changed so we have her for all school holidays (we used to split these). I take my holiday days in school holidays when my older DC is not in nursery. I also have a 1 year old DC. These days off are valuable as I work very long hours during the week and we have SD Thursday to Monday every week, so I don't get time with my DC on a standard week.

Now that SD will be here for all holidays, I am not sure how I will get any down time or 1:1 time with my own DC. I get on well with SD but she is very hyperactive (possible SEN) so when here activities centre around her.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too. I now foresee spending all my future holidays entertaining SD and not giving much attention to my own DC, let alone any 1:1 time.

I don't really know what to do to get a chance to bond with my own DC in this situation. Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ESGdance · 02/03/2022 07:35

Why are you having her every weekend - it’s much harder than in the school week with any child. Is her mother unwell?

Also your DH works less hours and gets one to one time with the DCs - you need this opportunity as well and so do your DCs each weekend.

Foolsrule · 02/03/2022 07:38

Play dumb and don’t plan anything. That’s for her dad to do!

GiantSpider · 02/03/2022 07:41

This arrangement seems hard on you OP. Why did it change so she is with you for all the holidays? Unless there is a good reason for this I would be pushing back against the change.

BuanoKubiamVej · 02/03/2022 07:44

With this level of days living with you, your SD is not a visitor who needs "entertaining" but is simply the eldest child in a blended family. You need to reframe your internal narrative so that you don't see entertaining SD as a separate task that prevents you from bonding with the younger DC. Think how you would manage things if all the children were your own, and adapt as necessary from that rather than considering the adaptations you are making from the other direction.

Why is your SD's own mother not having any time at all in the school holidays? That's very unusual unless there are serious health issues and if that's the case your SD will need some additional emotional support.

Housinghelp321 · 02/03/2022 07:52

If this was your own DC who was older, would you complain about not spending quality time with the younger ones because she is there? She’s part of your family and this sounds fairly horrible. I know standards are different on the step parenting board but if you have kids with someone who already has them, you have to deal with stuff like this.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 07:53

If this was your own DC who was older, would you complain about not spending quality time with the younger ones because she is there? completely irrelevant as she isn’t.

TuscanApothecary · 02/03/2022 07:54

Suggest to your P that he uses the child support you guys will now get to pay for holiday clubs and activities.

I can't believe you've been saddled with doing free childcare for the next few years tbh.

Housinghelp321 · 02/03/2022 07:57

@KindlyKanga

If this was your own DC who was older, would you complain about not spending quality time with the younger ones because she is there? completely irrelevant as she isn’t.

It’s entirely relevant because this girl is part of her family yet she is treating her differently because she’s not her biological child. She knew her DH had a child before she had kids with him and now she complains that this little girl is preventing bonding time with her biological kids. No wonder many kids in blended families grow up feeling unwanted.

Housinghelp321 · 02/03/2022 07:58

@TuscanApothecary

Suggest to your P that he uses the child support you guys will now get to pay for holiday clubs and activities.

I can't believe you've been saddled with doing free childcare for the next few years tbh.

Why would they get child support when it’s 50/50? Presumably the girl’s mother does more during term times.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/03/2022 08:04

@Housinghelp321 They have SD third/sun (4days/week) and all school holidays so that’s more like 70/30 than 50/50 so yes they should be getting some financial support from SD’s mother.

TuscanApothecary · 02/03/2022 08:05

It's not 50/50, unless I read it wrong. Thurs to Mon during term time and all of school holidays. So it's 60/40 to OP during term time, add in an extra 13 weeks it's more like 75/35.

Honestly think they're taking the piss right out of OP. Also wtf about the mum, I'd never give up my weekends and school holidays, does she not like her dc?

Classicblunder · 02/03/2022 08:17

@Housinghelp321

I think quite a lot of parents with that age gap use holiday clubs - certainly around here there are loads of cheap or free 10-2 type clubs which seem to be used by parents who have younger children

Housinghelp321 · 02/03/2022 08:23

Oh. The OP said 50:50 so I assumed this was the case. Holiday clubs are an idea if she wants to hang out with kids her own age but it’s the notion that this girl is getting in the way with bonding with OP’s bio kids that’s unpleasant. If you’re going into a blended family situation you can’t treat your stepkids as an inconvenience that gets in the way of you spending time with your ‘real’ family. They are your family now and you knew that when you had children with someone who already had them.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 08:42

It’s entirely relevant because this girl is part of her family yet she is treating her differently because she’s not her biological child. and that's fine. DSC has two parents to care for her. OP doesn't have to be a 3rd parent or do childcare. I knew my DH had children when I married him that wasn't some kind of agreement that I'd be responsible for them in anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2022 08:55

Why did the arrangement change? Unless you explicitly agreed to it and agreed to doing loads of extra childcare then carry on as you were and enjoy time with your own children.

As you’ll have primary residency I hope you’re husband is claiming maintenance, which he can use to fund holiday clubs or whatever.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 08:57

Honestly think they're taking the piss right out of OP. Also wtf about the mum, I'd never give up my weekends and school holidays, does she not like her dc? genuinely wondering if you'd say that if it was dad not mum?

user976327855 · 02/03/2022 09:07

Also wtf about the mum, I'd never give up my weekends and school holidays, does she not like her dc?

🙄

So a mum has less than 50/50 so it means she must not like her DC.
A dad has dc once in a blue moon but no suggestion that he doesn't like his DC.

Just because this isn't a traditional setup whereby the mum is doing the lion's share it does not mean something is amiss.

TuscanApothecary · 02/03/2022 09:15

It's nothing to do with it being a mum who doesn't do any weekends or school holidays. I don't understand ANY parent not wanting down time with their dc, not taking annual leave and going on holiday, having summer days out during the 6 weeks ect.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 09:20

@TuscanApothecary fair enough. I agree it's a bit odd to not want any of the "fun" time

Babadook76 · 02/03/2022 09:23

@Housinghelp321 if the op were to treat the child like the parents do then that would mean either completely offloading her, or ignoring her and expecting your boyfriend to take full control of her care on top of his own child. Why should the op shoulder the responsibility of keeping the girl entertained 24/7 through the entire holidays because her dad cba and her mums completely absent? It’s unfair to say she needs to treat a step child as her own, she’s not her child and the actual parents need to some actual parenting here

Babadook76 · 02/03/2022 09:25

@user976327855

Also wtf about the mum, I'd never give up my weekends and school holidays, does she not like her dc?

🙄

So a mum has less than 50/50 so it means she must not like her DC.
A dad has dc once in a blue moon but no suggestion that he doesn't like his DC.

Just because this isn't a traditional setup whereby the mum is doing the lion's share it does not mean something is amiss.

I fully agree with her not liking the child considering she refuses to have her for a single weekend, and has now offloaded her for the entire of every school holiday.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 10:01

How can an arrangement where they spend all weekends and all the holidays with one parent be in the child’s best interests? She gets no proper time with her mother.

She’s with her father 4 nights in every 7 (including every single weekend) and now all the school holidays (13 weeks or thereabouts). That’s far more than 50-50 and leaves little meaningful time with her mother. Getting ready for school and the short time after school Monday to Wednesday is really not fair on the child.

Contact is supposed to be about facilitating meaningful relationships with both parents. This arrangement looks like no one has considered the child at all.

Add to that the OP who ends up with much of the responsibility and is unable to have time with just her own children (a totally reasonable request - and something that it’s in their best interests too).

Stepfamilies are not the same as nuclear families. Half siblings are not the same as full siblings in important ways. Admitting that is not being mean or awful; It’s actually considering the children’s different needs and situations. The stepchildren need to build meaningful relationships with both their parents - which requires time with both parents while they’re not at school. The children who live with both their parents need time with just their parents as well as time shared with their half siblings - and that most certainly includes time with just their mother (all the children need this). And then there are relationships with extended families to think about. And the individual children’s needs to take into account.

It never helps to wade in and tell off a SM for recognising that stepfamilies are different to nuclear families. Especially when nuclear families should also be recognising that the children are individuals with their own needs. Telling her to treat stepchildren as if they were her own is not helpful to anyone involved.

Original poster

Gottamakesense · 02/03/2022 10:13

@Housinghelp321

I don't treat her as an inconvenience, as I said I spend most of my free time entertaining her and not giving much attention to my own children. If she were my own I would be putting her in some kind of holiday play scheme. And as I said I do want 1:1 with each child individually.

Part of the problem here is the fact that I am a step parent, so as pp picked up on above SD very much does expect to be entertained by me. As I am not the parent I can't be strict with her in the same way as with my own DC e.g. 'I'm doing play dough for a bit why don't you read a book?'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gottamakesense · 02/03/2022 10:34

@WindyKnickers

If you have her Thursday to Monday presumably she is elsewhere 3 nights a week?

She is, but not in holidays, and I work very long hours so I don't get much time with DC on week nights due to their bedtimes.

OP posts:

Maxiedog123 · 02/03/2022 10:35

But why does SD not get to spend any holiday time with her other parent at all?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread