School holidays with SC and DC

[Gottamakesense]

Just wondering how any other working mums with SC figure this one out...

We have SD9 50:50 and the arrangement has recently changed so we have her for all school holidays (we used to split these). I take my holiday days in school holidays when my older DC is not in nursery. I also have a 1 year old DC. These days off are valuable as I work very long hours during the week and we have SD Thursday to Monday every week, so I don't get time with my DC on a standard week.

Now that SD will be here for all holidays, I am not sure how I will get any down time or 1:1 time with my own DC. I get on well with SD but she is very hyperactive (possible SEN) so when here activities centre around her.

Entertaining her usually falls to me as I do most care for DC during school holidays, although her dad is also there too. I now foresee spending all my future holidays entertaining SD and not giving much attention to my own DC, let alone any 1:1 time.

I don't really know what to do to get a chance to bond with my own DC in this situation. Any suggestions?

I think you and DH need to sit down and re-evaluate things. (And specifically your parenting role).

Completely understand that you're happy to have her there and it's good for you and DH and family bonding. That's a fab attitude to have.

Yes - the situation is unusual. But mum is NR parent, and that happens, and no one bats an eye when it's a dad.

The contact schedule is weird - but I completely disagree with a PP that you should "make a stand" against mum. That's just going to cause all sorts of aggro (and potentially give SD the impression that she's not wanted anywhere). I think your attitude of "this is good for us and we're thrilled to have her more" is ideal.

You should be claiming maintenance. That's the way the system works, and it's not fair to your family or your children not to claim it. That's taking money from the family pockets and stretching finances more than they need to be.

I do understand that putting a claim in might rock the boat and make her revert to 50/50, but that might be good for SD in any case.

You can choose to forgo it, but I don't think it's the right thing to do. And given her attitude so far, she might make noises about 50/50 to slash maintenance - but I think it's unlikely she'll go through with it as it would her cost more in childcare (similar to many NR dads tbh).

Here's the big problem as I see it: "Not sure what to do as starting to parent SD like my own would inevitably cause friction with DH."

This can't (and won't) work. You cannot have a situation where she is in the house full time, the majority of care falls to you, and you aren't allowed the parent her. That's a recipe for chaos and disaster.

You need to chat to DH and start from the drawing board here. The way I see it is you have two options.

EITHER - you do most of the care as at present, but then you act like a parent. You set house rules, you can discipline, you can make decisions about holiday clubs etc etc. You have a full parental role, and can make choices to balance things so you get one on one with the younger kids, and also she gets fun solo activities at other times.

Perhaps she's in holiday club two days a week, they're in nursery a couple. And the last is family day Etc. Whatever works for you. But you're not a fun aunt, you're a full time parent and can make sensible decisions accordingly.

OR

You're a Nacho, fun aunty. But that means childcare is fully down to him. He either fully flexes his work hours and does it himself, or hires a nanny, or books clubs or whatever. You still hang out with her as a fun aunt and you have fun family activities.

But also there will be plenty of times when you aren't there and frankly - even when you are - there needs to be someone with parental responsibilities who can make decisions and discipline etc - which is either him or a childcare professional.

Think about it logically. When they go to school, school is allowed to make decisions, issue punishments etc in loco parentis. You're providing "childcare" but without the ability to manage it in the same way a childcare professional would. It won't work, it's not fair, and you need a reset.

Yes, he would need to be actively engaged with entertaining, engaging and sometimes redirecting SD all day morning to night. He would need to almost be a helicopter parent really and that's not his style. I think a compromise would be him taking her for a few days out.

Yes but isn't that exactly what he's expecting you to be, as a result? He needs to do it because that is what his daughter is like and it's his responsibility to manage that, not yours.

What you've suggested would be a compromise, but it's important to remember that you don't actually need to compromise to appease him. This is his entirely his problem to take care of, and by the sound of things you've already been going above and beyond for his benefit, only to be met with not the intense gratitude he should be feeling, but the potential for "friction" should you step out of line.

How will the long summer holidays work? Presumably as the younger kids are preschool then they could go as usual
If Mum won't take holidays then either

• you have to use your leave to look after SD
• your self employed husband doesn't work and loses income even though no CM
• you pay for holiday club for SM though no CM

All the while the higher earner Mum has childfree holidays and pays no CM? This is not reasonable

.

• SD

Few days out?? That is not the answer....yes you are being too passive...I'm struggling to see why your DH agreed to this without discussing it with you first ...you should be really cross and upset...wtf..
Equally if auntie is your role and you can't parent her you have a real issue..
Sounds like you need a cards on the table and clarity that meets all of the families needs including you...

@Maxiedog123

How will the long summer holidays work? Presumably as the younger kids are preschool then they could go as usual If Mum won't take holidays then either

• you have to use your leave to look after SD
• your self employed husband doesn't work and loses income even though no CM
• you pay for holiday club for SM though no CM

All the while the higher earner Mum has childfree holidays and pays no CM? This is not reasonable

.

• SD

True. I hadn't thought about the financial side in detail, but actually this would potentially impact things, and would make it harder for e.g. me to go part time eventually. I need to take a proper look at finances.

I would think the reasonable thing is that the mum is responsible for sorting half of each holiday, by either using her leave to care for SD, or organising and paying for holiday club.

@Maxiedog123

I would think the reasonable thing is that the mum is responsible for sorting half of each holiday, by either using her leave to care for SD, or organising and paying for holiday club.

Yes... if she still wants to not pay maintainance like on 50:50 she should really be paying for a holiday club or something. That's what she used to do. I think I am being taken advantage of a bit here!

@averythinline

Few days out?? That is not the answer....yes you are being too passive...I'm struggling to see why your DH agreed to this without discussing it with you first ...you should be really cross and upset...wtf.. Equally if auntie is your role and you can't parent her you have a real issue.. Sounds like you need a cards on the table and clarity that meets all of the families needs including you...

This whole dynamic formed quite gradually but this change has sort of pushed it to the limit.

Like pp said this is a recipe for resentment.

Thank you everyone for your responses. This thread has really helped me to break down the various issues in this situation.

A proper discussion about roles and responsibilities is in order. I will just need to work out how to put it in a way that is issue focused and doesn't sound like me complaining about SD! Because it's really more about the various roles adults take I think.

It is true that a few days out would not necessarily be the answer, as while that would give me a bit of time focused on DC it would not change the dynamic regarding attention for all 3 kids on a daily basis, and the impact of parenting two but not 3.

Just remember OP you might feel powerless but you have the power in this situation

Every time she pesters you say you're busy with DC right now and refer her to her dad. Stand firm.

It is not fair on your DC to miss out and DSC had become attached to you which is nice but you could walk out tomorrow if you wanted and she has her own parents who need to step up .

Your DP should be taking on all the childcare on a regular basis really as he’s working part time. During the hols he must take time to take care of DSD. Then you can spend your days off with your kids.

I do like the idea of holiday clubs, but the problem is that I'm not actually in charge and also I don't want to sound rude (even though I will 100% put mine in clubs when older).
You’re in charge of you op. You’re the only person here thinking of how you will manage, and what’s best for your young dc. You’re also the only person stepping up to help wiht sd, so you need to stop thinking you’re such an add on who just has to fit in. You do so much with her because ‘your dh is more relaxed’. Mine would be more relaxed with ours too because of course it suits him to sit back and let me parent, I tell him that’s not ok and remove myself and leave him responsible. If he makes dinner late I let him handle the bedtime shitshow. Your dh needs to commit to much more here, and you commit to editing the arrangement - ‘of course dsd is important but what you’re saying is dd isn’t. She will get no time with me while sd is here as she demands my time. If you can’t work out a solution I am taking dd out in the morning and you can work something out for your dd, I’m not your default plan, I’m not a household appliance and our dd needs me.

So DSD mum pays no cm, it's about 75/25 split with DSD with you and her dad majority of the time.
You work full-time, you DH is self employed and part-time but the childcare falls to you yet he doesn't want you to parent your DSD, am I understanding that right? If I am I don't know why you are not angry and considering walking away from this set up entirely. They are all taking you for a mug OP.

Maybe just take DC out somewhere everytime she's there for a bit. Tough luck if DH has assumed you'll be around. And mum should be paying for her child's upkeep. You pay for yours, and every penny she owes that isn't being paid is something else DH has to pay for so less he can spend on your child.

@Dontbeme

So DSD mum pays no cm, it's about 75/25 split with DSD with you and her dad majority of the time. You work full-time, you DH is self employed and part-time but the childcare falls to you yet he doesn't want you to parent your DSD, am I understanding that right? If I am I don't know why you are not angry and considering walking away from this set up entirely. They are all taking you for a mug OP.

Yes I think you might be right 🙄

Stupidly I also do extra hours mon-weds to facilitate contact arrangements.

I really need to have a proper think and discussion with DH

Stupidly I also do extra hours mon-weds to facilitate contact arrangements. and what do you get in return for this? Anything?

@KindlyKanga

Stupidly I also do extra hours mon-weds to facilitate contact arrangements. and what do you get in return for this? Anything?

DH does more care of the DC during my working hours.

The starting point should be what would DH do if you weren't there. And then he should do that. Unless you come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.

DH does more care of the DC during my working hours I see. Would it be possible for you to change your hours so YOU did more care of your own DC? And he can see if he can change his to facilitate contact? How does it facilitate contact exactly? Do you finish early to pick up DSD?

We do have quite an atypical arrangement, more commonly I imagine I would be the stepdad, DH would be my wife working part time to facilitate caring for his 3 kids, and DH's ex would be SD's non resident dad. But we are clearly not conventional!

@KindlyKanga

DH does more care of the DC during my working hours I see. Would it be possible for you to change your hours so YOU did more care of your own DC? And he can see if he can change his to facilitate contact? How does it facilitate contact exactly? Do you finish early to pick up DSD?

I finish earlier on Thursdays and Fridays so DH collects SD. Yes, some change to this pattern might work. I would love to go part time. Or arrange my working pattern so that I can finish earlier on other days, but watch DC on Thurs and Fri during school pickup somehow while working from home then work later those days instead.

I personally think if there's an expectation that you'll do the bulk of the childcare that you should feel you're able to discipline/make decisions like "I'd like a day to myself, can you book her into a club?". Surely you've gone past the point of being fun auntie if you're doing that much?

If they don't like it, then they know what to do about it! (Sort out the childcare themselves..)

The whole set up needs to change and you are the person who will have to instigate change. Why would the other parents?.. All of their needs are being met and they are blissfully (or willfully) ignorant of yours.

You have been so caught up in the narrative of this bloody "fun aunty" step mum persona that you have allowed your needs and those of your own children to go unmet.

You can not be fun aunty to one child in your house and parent to the rest. It will not work. All of the children will be acutely aware of the differences and all children may end up resentful. The step daughter because she won't feel as enmeshed and your own children because you enforce boundaries on them that you don't on their sister. If she is spending more time at your house than hers and you are responsible for her care you get to discipline her. If her parents don't like it they can be responsible for her care.

Pp are correct in saying that your husband organising a few days out over the summer is not the solution you want it to be. When he agreed to have her all summer he should have had a full child care plan sorted that did not depend on you. He could then have asked how you felt about doing the odd day and that would have been ok.

And maybe you need to let go of the reigns a wee bit when it comes to meal times and allow your husband to take more of a lead. It won't kill you kids to have a more flexible approach to meal times, and it might allow you some of the time/freedom you currently feel you don't have. Do a rota for who's on and who's off parenting duty.