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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Every weekend

110 replies

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:11

My DH had a DD when he was very young. She is now 32 and we have 2 little ones (6 months and 2). Everyone gets on well.

She lives in a city about 1 hour away and has a great job there. She is quite negative though and does a lot of moaning about her life although she has lots of good stuff! She has just bought a place in said city. But says she really wants to live in London which is unrealistic due to her job (not really many in London!) And cost of property.

This is going to sound v horrible but she comes stay with us every single weekend and I feel like I don't have any space or privacy. The house isn't that big and I'm at work so weekdays are frantic. If she were a child I would feel completely differently.

The thing is it's not to see us, it's to go to parties and come back at 5am. Then sleeps in the playroom all day so we can't access that.

I want her to feel welcome but also feel she is self-fulfilling her belief that she can't be happy where she lives as she isn't even trying to make connections there and just comes back here and lives like a teenager when she is here.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh. I just feel I need a little breathing space as life is full on and exhausting at the moment.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:13

The city she lives in is really vibrant and full of young people btw!

Any tips or please tell me if I am wrong to feel like this!

Thank you

OP posts:

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 12/02/2022 20:15

I wouldn’t be happy about that.

What does your DH think?

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:18

Thanks for your response. I have always said she is always welcome I didn't realise that would be every weekend! I don't want to hurt her feelings.

DH always says he's sure it won't be every weekend but it was before covid and every time restrictions ease it starts again...

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 12/02/2022 20:19

Wow, no your absolutely not being unreasonable. If it were me id be telling her my house isnt a party pad.
Has she been doing this for a long time, what does your DH think?

Ilikewinter · 12/02/2022 20:21

So your DH needs to have a conversation with her, otherwise it will likely become an every weekend occurrence

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 12/02/2022 20:22

I guess the problem is, if your DH doesn’t have an issue with it, or - as is always more likely in these scenarios - just isn’t willing to actually address it, then there probably isn’t much you can do without coming off like the bad guy.

Do you think your DH would be up for having a convo with her, and maybe saying that coming every single weekend just doesn’t work for you?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 12/02/2022 20:25

Personally I would be taking my young dc into their playroom every week end. Ask dh where his dd will be sleeping but his other dc should be able to use their room
. Not banished for a piss head to sleep off her nights out in.
Not to mention Covid risks to unvaccinated small dc..

Wizzbangfizz · 12/02/2022 20:27

She is 32?! That is bizarre behaviour, 22 I would likely put up with.

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:30

Yes I agree it is very teenage behaviour. I have always thought she would grow out of it but worried now it won't happen...

Thanks a lot, glad it's not me being horrible! It honestly has been every weekend since Christmas....

I think the reality is DH doesn't mind. That's probably part of the problem. If it were my child I would give some tough love

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:33

She has always done it but it impacts me more now with young kids and being more house bound due to naps etc. Covid was a blessing in that way!

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2022 20:37

Yep a DH problem. No way would I be letting a 32yr old completely disrupt my weekend EVERY weekend WOW.

I think i wouldn't be tiptoeing around her in the morning. If you need the room use it. Perhaps give her till 8 / 9? Then send in the 2yr old. Why have a playroom and then stop the dc2 room using it for half the time they are at home - assuming they are at nursery all week. (Maybe give her warning before she goes out tonight if you are feeling generous!)

You're right she won't make friends etc where she lives if she's never there. And you won't ever get that housespace/ headspace back if you just let her take over.

FinallyHere · 12/02/2022 20:42

Send the kids in to see her early the next morning.

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 12/02/2022 20:43

Where is everyone sleeping normally? Does your two year old have a bed in their room? With your kids being so young are the up around that time anyway? Just wondering if she could sleep somewhere else then It wouldn’t be so disruptive.
But I agree it seems odd behaviour for her age. Is she going out with friends?

Iwonder08 · 12/02/2022 20:46

Make it inconvenient to her if she goes partying every weekend and sleeps during the day I would encourage the kids to play loud games. Tell DH she is always welcome to visit if she wants to see the family, but you are not running air bnb. She is clearly not interested in her dad, just a place to stay

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:46

I don't mind the playroom that much as I try to go out as much as possible. But @littleowl153 exactly it's never going to change if she comes here all the time. But it's going to be awkward to say something now...

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:50

The playroom is the downstairs front room, the house is not v big! I don't mind that too much.

5.30am it was this morning, it woke me and the baby then woke 5 minutes later. No idea if one causes the other as the baby does wake early very often. Not keen on playing musical beds tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:52

She is going out with friends, to parties usually

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:56

If I were to say something, any tips!

She honestly doesn't seem to mind noise. We try go out after breakfast so she then has the house to herself to sleep until we come back for lunch.

Really keen to address this and will update... any advice on how to phrase?

OP posts:

sunshinelover69 · 12/02/2022 20:56

Point her to the nearest Travel Lodge. She's massively taking the piss.

Nadjahomesoil · 12/02/2022 20:57

So she's just doing it as a crash space, not to see her dad and sibling?

Hmm, at 32 I'd raise an eyebrow at that too. Does she have her own home?

Nadjahomesoil · 12/02/2022 20:58

Tbh I wouldn't be trying to keep the noise down in the morning. I'd be hoovering and putting the washing machine on at 10am.

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 12/02/2022 21:01

Either you have to raise it with her, make it not as convenient or put up with it.
The not as convenient was potentially saying that she is welcome to stay but the playroom is not a bedroom as such. Totally understand if you don’t want to be swapping around. If so I would be using it as others have suggested. Don’t go out next weekend.
Why can’t she crash at a friends place?

LittleSnakes · 12/02/2022 21:01

It needs to be her dad who says something. That’s bloody rude to sleep at someone’s house and then sleep in all day like that.

Glitterygreen · 12/02/2022 21:02

Na sorry, at 32 it's not on to go and stay at your parent's house every weekend to go out partying, especially when there are young kids in the house. It's weird.

Iloveacurry · 12/02/2022 21:03

Why can’t she stay with friends?

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