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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Every weekend

110 replies

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:11

My DH had a DD when he was very young. She is now 32 and we have 2 little ones (6 months and 2). Everyone gets on well.

She lives in a city about 1 hour away and has a great job there. She is quite negative though and does a lot of moaning about her life although she has lots of good stuff! She has just bought a place in said city. But says she really wants to live in London which is unrealistic due to her job (not really many in London!) And cost of property.

This is going to sound v horrible but she comes stay with us every single weekend and I feel like I don't have any space or privacy. The house isn't that big and I'm at work so weekdays are frantic. If she were a child I would feel completely differently.

The thing is it's not to see us, it's to go to parties and come back at 5am. Then sleeps in the playroom all day so we can't access that.

I want her to feel welcome but also feel she is self-fulfilling her belief that she can't be happy where she lives as she isn't even trying to make connections there and just comes back here and lives like a teenager when she is here.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh. I just feel I need a little breathing space as life is full on and exhausting at the moment.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

UniversalAunt · 13/02/2022 05:46

Frequency…

Lunch at home or out with you all - couple of times a month.
Coming over for dinner & staying over - once a month.
Staying in to babysit & staying over - once a month
Staying over after seeing a local friend (aka party) - couple of times a year maybe.

She’s 32!

UniversalAunt · 13/02/2022 05:52

…& of course, you must all go stay with her.

Once you have established a sensible nighttime pattern, for children of any age it seems! One thing she could do for you & DH is to babysit your children at home during the day & sleep over so that you both can go stay at hers for a little city break.

It’d be nice for you two & her response to people being her own space may give her pause for thought. Mention the idea in passing next time you see here, see how it lands.

Gardeningcreature · 13/02/2022 05:54

How utterly bizzare.
You say this has been happening since Christmas, what happened before then, did she do this before you had kids?
I agree this needs to come from your dh and not you.
You need to wake dh up when she wakes you or the baby and make him get up whilst you go back to sleep. Quite frankly I'd be livid if I were you.
Wake your dh up every time and let him deal with it.

PinkSyCo · 13/02/2022 06:02

No you wouldn't, if it was your child you'd be over the moon to have her home every weekend.

Speak for yourself. Most people have a higher bar than you and wouldn’t put up with that shit every single weekend, even from their biological kids!

UniversalAunt · 13/02/2022 06:02

If your DH is not motivated to act by your sweet reason, then I’d go for plan B below.

‘ Tell your DH that unless he wants you to leave all the kids with him every weekend while you go and stay with friends/family/at a hotel, he’d better tell his DD that she is not welcome to use your home as a dosshole every single weekend from now on.’

You have been accommodating enough already, even set up your WFH day to carve out your boundaries. This matter is taking up your time & energy, slowly eroding your goodwill. Time for DH to take notice of how much this is pissing you off.

RedWingBoots · 13/02/2022 06:14

But says she really wants to live in London which is unrealistic due to her job (not really many in London!) And cost of property.

Not your concern she is an adult woman of 32.

The thing is it's not to see us, it's to go to parties and come back at 5am. Then sleeps in the playroom all day so we can't access that.

If as an adult relation you are stupid enough to do that with younger children in the house then you will have to deal with them.

As PPs said send her siblings in to greet her when they get up.

Make the other bedrooms inaccessible by striping the beds, moving furniture etc in a way that makes it clear they are about to be cleaned so she can't go and easily sleep in them when her siblings disturb her. Then at some point in the morning run the vacuum cleaner in the bedrooms but preferably the entire house.

If she snaps at the younger children because she is hungover and tired, tell her off. If she wants to sleep until 2pm she has her own home to do that in.

Also have words with your "DH" about her inconsiderate behaviour as she is an adult of 32.

Don't send her messages Everything should be verbal.

Rickrollme · 13/02/2022 06:36

@Hothammock

Sorry to be devil's advocate here but I don't think you are communicating the right reason to her for why she can't stay. If I was her I would not understand why you think it's ok to be so judgemental about how she lives her life. If you don't want an adult relation in your house every weekend because that is impacting on your family life then stop tip toing around her and put your family life first. Be honest that is a problem, Reclaim the play room and stop going out every Saturday morning. If however it is not true that there is an impact on your family life, you don't and won't want to use that room and will go out if she is there or not, then this is not about your peace and quiet and not about your concern for her friendship base. It's because you are being judgeypants about her life style. At the age of 32 it's not for you to say if she works and socialises in different areas and who she is friends with as if friends are simply people you meet in bars or cafes. It's a bizarre thing to focus on and pretend it's a good reason to tell her she can't stay anymore. She will see through it and assume that you just don't want her in your family bubble any more. She will feel horribly awkward about visiting in future. Make sure you are ok with the explanation you are giving as once you say something there is no going back. I think you should focus on the inconvenience of having someone in the house and don't say anything about her choices of what she does where with her weekends.

You said this much better than I could. OP you seem hesitant to say you need the playroom or that she’s bothering the kids but if that’s not the issue then what really is? You don’t seem to like uour SD and I’m not sure I blame you but your DH is her parent and it’s his house too. If you’re not willing to tell her she’s causing a disruption it’s really none of your business.

ChoiceMummy · 13/02/2022 06:55

@Fshkiyrcnm

Sound ok? Do I need to specify once a month do you think?

I think that you need to make sure her father agrees to this.

To me this sounds like you're trying to sound all nicey whilst saying you're not welcome.

I think that though her situation is unusual, this is what she views as her home still, so wouldn't expect someone to say this to my child...

Chocomelon · 13/02/2022 07:07

This is too much OP just as it would be too much if your MIL was coming to stay every weekend. Speak to your DH. You need some time to yourself too. She's 32. If she wants to party in London so often she'll have to get a hotel. I'd be saying about once a month is enough and she should be considerate when she comes over. 32?! Wow.

Campervangirl · 13/02/2022 07:17

You shouldn't send a text, that's wierd, she's going to get up this morning and you'll all say bye, see you next week then she receives a text when she gets home?
It needs to be said face to face preferably by your DH with you backing him up.
"DD this situation can't continue, it's lovely to see you but you staying here every weekend and going out partying and returning at 5am is starting to impact our lives.
You are waking us all up when you come home and we are unable to access the playroom all day.
We have young children and we have started to have to take the children out to 1. Not disturb you & 2. There is nowhere for them to play as you are in the playroom, DW has even had to rearrange her wfh to accommodate you staying every weekend.
If you want to stay over once a month we'd love to have you but we can no longer allow you to stay every weekend"
The end, get you DH to say it.
She's 32 and is massively taking the piss

NeesAndToes · 13/02/2022 07:19

Stop taking the kids out to not disturb her. If they want to go in the play room let them jump on her or whatever

gindreams · 13/02/2022 07:31

@Rickrollme

Nah your chatting shit

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 13/02/2022 08:06

Thanks all. Lots of food for thought and will come back tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 13/02/2022 08:13

To answer questions this has been going on for years but interrupted recently by covid. I mind more now as have 2 little ones and back at work which is hard! And need a breather at weekends

OP posts:

Dyrene · 13/02/2022 08:22

I couldn’t live with this. The big problem is that you’d husband thinks it’s ok. He doesn’t mind that you are avoiding being in your own home (with the children) because his 30-something daughter has a hangover.

Inspectorslack · 13/02/2022 08:25

Your husband needs to send the message not you.

campista · 13/02/2022 08:34

'' If you're going to be back after midnight, make other arrangements. I am exhausted and cannot continue like this. ''

MeridianB · 13/02/2022 08:59

I wouldn’t send a text. I think her Dad should have a chat face to face and just say you all love seeing her but you’re not an air bnb and want to change things for some quality time - the frequency and activities that @UniversalAunt listed are spot on.

But he needs to be really clear and mean it. I agree with PP that it’s not about his daughter - anyone doing this every weekend would be disruptive.

More generally, is your DH concerned about her?

It’s pretty full-on for a 32 yo to be out to 530am every single weekend (any concerns about drugs?). But weird to go back to a parent’s house with two young children and use it as a crash pad, sometimes not even seeing them.

Is her mum around?

HunkyPunk · 13/02/2022 09:10

@Fshkiyrcnm

To answer questions this has been going on for years but interrupted recently by covid. I mind more now as have 2 little ones and back at work which is hard! And need a breather at weekends

This is it in a nutshell. Honest and to the point. Why can’t you tell her that? Things have changed now, with 2 little dc in the mix and you working. Surely a 32 year old can understand that?? Better discussed in a conversation started, at least, by your dh, rather than conveyed in a text from you, though.

MzHz · 13/02/2022 09:13

@Fshkiyrcnm

The playroom is the downstairs front room, the house is not v big! I don't mind that too much.

5.30am it was this morning, it woke me and the baby then woke 5 minutes later. No idea if one causes the other as the baby does wake early very often. Not keen on playing musical beds tbh

This is your reason.

You woke me up when you got in, you woke the baby too

I’m not having my sleep ruined any more because you’re treating my home like a party crash pad. If you want to party every weekend, crack on, either in your city or in a premier inn.

If you’re coming to visit us we’re happy to see you, but that doesn’t mean you treat our home like a hotel. I’ll have the keys back thanks very much”

Then follow through

You have a newborn, you’re hormonal, you’re fucking exhausted and you’ve had enough! 100% justifiable.

veevee04 · 13/02/2022 09:16

I'm 28 and can't imagine going and staying at my dad's every weekend can't imagine anything worse!!

MzHz · 13/02/2022 09:17

No text

Tell her calmly - yourself- to her face.

You don’t need h permission, you’re an adult and you’re entitled to a bit of peace and quiet and not to have this woman waking you up with her selfish behaviour

She’s not a child, she’s a grown woman and it’s absolutely unacceptable to not be able to tackle issues like this in your own home.

Ragwort · 13/02/2022 09:20

Your DH needs to have the conversation ( not just sending a text ), why not suggest he takes her out for a nice meal, some one to one time and have a frank discussion.

BuritoCat · 13/02/2022 09:22

I'm around her age and can't imagine doing that to my parents even they'd be a bit wtf .

She's behaving like a child, I wouldn't text I would tell her to her face with DH. At 32 it's not appropriate to crash at your dads place every weekend from parties like a teenager it's not normal behaviour.

SarahJessicaPorker · 13/02/2022 09:27

I actually disagree with other posters and think a text in the week is way less weird than telling her not to come back while she's still there! Like "lovely to see you, now don't come back" 😂

Clearly you are not being U here. Nobody wants a hungover 32 yo sleeping all day in their kids' playroom, no matter how they are related to you.

I had a sort of similar thing, but it was my sister, who is very oblivious to other people's needs and is actually a bit bullish. Had to tell her not to come one weekend after she had been the previous weekend and created chaos by being rude to me, fighting with me, bickering with my small children and generally being a big brat. She was also in her 30s. She cried and screamed when I said maybe we just make it one night next weekend, so she huffed and decided not to come at all, which was more than fine with me. We actually are extremely low contact now, which I know isn't an option for you with your sd as she is your oh's dd. But basically, people who don't understand or respect boundaries by the time they reach their 30s can be an absolute pain, even if you love them really.

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