Every weekend

[Fshkiyrcnm]

My DH had a DD when he was very young. She is now 32 and we have 2 little ones (6 months and 2). Everyone gets on well.

She lives in a city about 1 hour away and has a great job there. She is quite negative though and does a lot of moaning about her life although she has lots of good stuff! She has just bought a place in said city. But says she really wants to live in London which is unrealistic due to her job (not really many in London!) And cost of property.

This is going to sound v horrible but she comes stay with us every single weekend and I feel like I don't have any space or privacy. The house isn't that big and I'm at work so weekdays are frantic. If she were a child I would feel completely differently.

The thing is it's not to see us, it's to go to parties and come back at 5am. Then sleeps in the playroom all day so we can't access that.

I want her to feel welcome but also feel she is self-fulfilling her belief that she can't be happy where she lives as she isn't even trying to make connections there and just comes back here and lives like a teenager when she is here.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh. I just feel I need a little breathing space as life is full on and exhausting at the moment.

Although having said that, if she does say "see you next weekend", you may need to say something.

She did leave saying see you soon... !!!

Her mum lives in middle of nowhere and she visits her 2 or 3 times a year.

Hands full atm but will read properly and respond and update later!

does

See you soon could mean in the next month or two though, so I still think it's OK to text rather than answer with "not too soon please" or something, which obviously sounds a lot worse, personally. But I'm shit with wording. I am much better texting in these sorts of situations

How does she seem mentally?
At 32, maybe she feels a bit lonely and isolated if she’s single and living away from family and friends, especially if her friends have families of their own. Maybe she comes to you because it feels like her proper home -even if she doesn’t talk to any of you that much.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be happy with it in your shoes either, but she might not be doing it purely for selfish reasons so tackle it gently.

We try go out after breakfast so she then has the house to herself to sleep until we come back for lunch.

Absolutely send a message but not one in writing. Let her experience the noise and chaos of lively children early on a Sunday morning.

Get those noisy drums and trumpets down from the top shelf where you had hidden them. Let the children go in to find out whether she is awake yet because they love her so much.

If she says anything, get DH to remind her that this is what family life is like. She is welcome anytime to muck in and look after the DC while you and DH go out for an adult brunch.

Let her work out the advantages of staying elsewhere all by herself. Much better, much clearer, much louder than a letter saying she can only visit once a month.

Nap time!! Thank you very much for every response - have read all of them and taken on board.

I agree there is something not quite right and need to be gentle. I don't want her not to feel welcome as I agree she seems to see our place as home (although I suspect that has more to do with location! But still hopefully testament to our good relationship), I just thought she would grow out of coming back every weekend in time (like a PP said I wouldn't have wanted to do this aged 32!)

I think she has massive FOMO in London and so has never tried to make a life in the new place but I also think she has it quite easy at the mo and we are actually making her unhappiness worse by enabling the split life. She often moans about not feeling settled etc but she is 32 and needs to make life decisions e.g. make a go of it where she is (It's a great place!) Or move to London. But the current behaviour infantalises her.

I think I'm veering towards when she next mentions she's coming to get DH to say something... I'll update!

Just wondered if there was an update @Fshkiyrcnm ? I do hope you’re getting your house back at the weekends now!

Couldn't change my username back for some reason....

No I haven't spoken yet but did have a good chat (empowered by you) about not leaving lights on (this will become increasingly annoying with price increases) and dirty dishes in the kitchen

I have decided I am going to have the chat myself as I will be more clear. When the moment is right (soon). Your responses reassured me that I'm not a horrible person feeling like this...

I wouldn’t inflict myself on my parents (or anyone else) every weekend.