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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Every weekend

110 replies

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 20:11

My DH had a DD when he was very young. She is now 32 and we have 2 little ones (6 months and 2). Everyone gets on well.

She lives in a city about 1 hour away and has a great job there. She is quite negative though and does a lot of moaning about her life although she has lots of good stuff! She has just bought a place in said city. But says she really wants to live in London which is unrealistic due to her job (not really many in London!) And cost of property.

This is going to sound v horrible but she comes stay with us every single weekend and I feel like I don't have any space or privacy. The house isn't that big and I'm at work so weekdays are frantic. If she were a child I would feel completely differently.

The thing is it's not to see us, it's to go to parties and come back at 5am. Then sleeps in the playroom all day so we can't access that.

I want her to feel welcome but also feel she is self-fulfilling her belief that she can't be happy where she lives as she isn't even trying to make connections there and just comes back here and lives like a teenager when she is here.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh. I just feel I need a little breathing space as life is full on and exhausting at the moment.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:04

And how frequent is acceptable?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2022 21:06

Oh god no. Would you behave like this is your parents house? It’s a complete piss take. One I wouldn’t be tolerating for another single weekend. She’s a grown woman, it’s pretty much irrelevant she’s his daughter tbh, she’s an adult who’s abusing your good will and being awful.

What would happen if you went away for the weekend? Would she still expect to come and crash over?

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:07

I don't know why she doesn't stay with friends. More comfortable at ours I guess. Some times we don't even see her! I agree at 32 I wasn't doing this at all. Or at 22! She's just bought a new place so thought she would want to stay there more but...no

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:08

When we've been on holiday she has stayed at ours yes

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2022 21:10

Hi x, good to see you. Friends are coming for a play date at 10 so you’ll need to be up and out of playroom by 9:30 tomorrow. (Word friends up on plan so they aren’t flaky or late) send dh in at 9 to wake her, saying there are dc playing in here in an hour.
Id just stop being out every mornign she’s here and insist on playroom use by 10 most mornings. If you get the dc into the habit they will be breaking the door down to get to their toys if they are like mine.

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 12/02/2022 21:10

It is not acceptable what she is doing at all. If she wants to stay she comes in at a reasonable time. Say 2pm and is up by when you think is reasonable.
I think you have to be direct. Don’t worry about not saying anything until now. Your circumstances have changed.you have a second baby and are just finding their routine out . Your SD crashing in your playroom doesn’t work anymore.
I disagree her father has to raise this she is not a teenager. He should support you but you can raise it

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2022 21:11

And for why now you say it’s just got so much harder to keep track of 2 when we go out, it’s easier to have friends around, let them play at home on weekends when places are busy. Plus more dh looking after them around her, not you doing it all!

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:11

At ours she helps herself to food has long baths in the middle of the day etc. So nicer for her than friends i guess. The more I type the more ridiculous it sounds! She hasn't grown up in some ways

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 12/02/2022 21:11

Think id be telling dh to say she is of course welcome to stay, but she needs to be up with the family at 8am for breakfast as the play room is needed at times throughout the day.

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:15

Thanks for the suggestions and support. Will have a think. I'm less keen on disturbing her in mornings than bring direct. I would rather she made her own life where she lives and works!

There was a suggestion she WFH from here but I quickly said no that wouldn't work for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:17

In fact I deliberately chose Monday as a WFH day to avoid any weekend overspills....

OP posts:

Glitterygreen · 12/02/2022 21:17

@timeisnotaline

Hi x, good to see you. Friends are coming for a play date at 10 so you’ll need to be up and out of playroom by 9:30 tomorrow. (Word friends up on plan so they aren’t flaky or late) send dh in at 9 to wake her, saying there are dc playing in here in an hour. Id just stop being out every mornign she’s here and insist on playroom use by 10 most mornings. If you get the dc into the habit they will be breaking the door down to get to their toys if they are like mine.

This won't work because she'll just get up and go into one of the bedrooms.

It needs to be direct and really needs to come from her dad - but it depends whether he's willing to say anything.

If it were me, I'd want him to say every weekend is too much (not like she's spending any time with anybody anyway) - if she's staying over purely to go out then it's once a month max, and if she does stay she needs to get up in the morning so the playroom can be used.

Sounds like she should never have bought a property wherever she has as she clearly prefers to be closer to London. There are lots of affordable options within a train ride of London so she'd be able to go out and return to her own place.

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:18

I might come up with a message and run it past you if that's ok? I would rather she didn't come at all than force her to wake up early

OP posts:

Datsandcogs · 12/02/2022 21:19

She’s a CF.

Say something or change your behaviour. Stop accommodating her in terms of understanding and noise. Send the children in to get precious toys, disturb her.

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:20

Yes agree @glitterygreen forcing her to get up early won't really solve the issue

Ok once a month sounds reasonable?

She can't live in London as her work is elsewhere plus can't afford to buy in London

OP posts:

sunshinelover69 · 12/02/2022 21:20

@Fshkiyrcnm

I might come up with a message and run it past you if that's ok? I would rather she didn't come at all than force her to wake up early

OP I would honestly be as blunt as to say you are treating us like a hotel and it's not on. We can't be in a position where every weekend our house is not our own. Depends if you're as straight talking as I am though.

Glitterygreen · 12/02/2022 21:21

Yeah definitely draft a message OP...but do be aware your DH might not be in favour! Just going by you saying he has no issue with it.

Tbh I'd centre it around the kids....2yo is starting to sleep more lightly and is getting woken when she comes in so unfortunately it's not going to work anymore. Happy for her to come for a visit whenever she wants, but no more staying with you for nights out.

BigMacAttack · 12/02/2022 21:21

Are you providing childcare for her whilst she goes out to party?

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:29

Hi X great to see you this weekend. Now that I'm back to work life is quite frantic during the week and X still not sleeping well so think we need to limit visitors at the weekend.

You of course are always welcome to visit us for lunch or supper with the kids and we all love to see you. But if you are looking for somewhere to stay after a party think it would be best to stay with friends if possible.

I really hope the new flat is going well and that you can also find lots of exciting things to do in X at the weekend to save on all the boring travelling! [Probably not this last para]

OP posts:

Original poster

Fshkiyrcnm · 12/02/2022 21:33

Sound ok? Do I need to specify once a month do you think?

OP posts:

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 12/02/2022 21:34

Good but yes not last paragraph.

TracyMosby · 12/02/2022 21:36

Take off ‘if possible’.

BreadInCaptivity · 12/02/2022 21:37

Yes - ditch the last paragraph.

You need to be blunt.

She's taking the piss massively.

BreadInCaptivity · 12/02/2022 21:38

@TracyMosby

Take off ‘if possible’.

Yes and this.

Fridafever · 12/02/2022 21:38

I can see why you’re annoyed but why isn’t DH sending the message or talking to her about it? Do you disagree with him on this issue?

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