Find this really annoying

[Taptap20]

I know I'll get told I'm terribly unreasonable because it's their house etc etc...

My step children have started just sitting downstairs glued to their phones playing games ALL EVENING.

It's really annoying me.

I actually wouldn't mind if we were doing something together like watching a film or something but they don't even speak they just sit... Playing on their phones.

And it then means we can't do anything like watch our TV show or have more adult conversations.

They stay 50:50 so I know I get the other half of the week but I literally work all day, I just want an hour in the evening to watch my show or have a conversation with DH. It would be different if they were actually interacting but they don't they just sit there all night not talking.

@CrappleCake exactly, they aren't there for my entertainment anyway even if I did find their teenage dramas interesting

It's weird. We expect children to learn to share, so why not model that? Imagine if the step kids were sat there scoffing sweets and not sharing them with younger siblings. If you don't want to share a treat then keep it to yourself, don't blatantly rub their faces in it.

So many step mums seem to resent the existence of their SC here. And then you all wonder why they don't show you much respect.

@CrappleCake

Me too *@NeesAndToes*

I highly doubt I'll ever be begging or moaning that they don't spend time with me. I know it sounds rough but I really don't care. I care that they are healthy and happy yes but it's not some great loss to me if they don't spend the evening with us. Can't say I've ever been like "oh I wish SC would come out of their room and spend time with me".

That's the issue though, isn't it? Their father probably is happy to have them around rather than shut away upstairs. They're probably used to the idea - like most children - that parents don't mind their children's quiet presence (as it's a perfectly normal family life experience) so they don't feel obliged to get out of the way whenever there isn't a dedicated family activity going on. I doubt any of them realises the depth of your resentment or the fact that while they're quietly scrolling on their phones, you're seething and wishing they would just go away.

Google childrens bed times and show dh. Agree something and both of you back each other up.
Start a routine, snack, screen, shower then bed. Or whatever.
You have nothing to lose by insisting on adult time in your own home!

@SuPerDoPer

It's weird. We expect children to learn to share, so why not model that? Imagine if the step kids were sat there scoffing sweets and not sharing them with younger siblings. If you don't want to share a treat then keep it to yourself, don't blatantly rub their faces in it.

Why does sharing have to always be about giving away something of yours. Yes sharing is important but you are also allowed to have things for yourself every now and then.

I actually wouldn't expect my DC to share a treat they had got for themselves either. Sweets I've bought for them both, yes. But if they come home from a party with a party bag or they buy something for themselves with money from Christmas, no they don't have to share it.

It's such a child like view of sharing "I've asked for some so you have to give it me". I can't just go to my neighbour "I like your car, let me drive it".

Sharing is much more nuanced than that and it's important to also teach children that they can have things for themselves too!

@SuPerDoPer

So many step mums seem to resent the existence of their SC here. And then you all wonder why they don't show you much respect.

Who is resenting anyone?

It's normal in nuclear families for children to go upstairs at a certain time so the adults can use the lounge, MULTIPLE people have said so on this thread alone. It is not a problem solely with step families.

Making out like every single nuclear family does it your way and this is just evil step mothers 🙄 clearly they don't all do it like you.

as it's a perfectly normal family life experience

In your opinion.

I don't come from a blended family. My parents were together my whole childhood. I still remember being told 'right upstairs now so me and your Mum can watch X or chat or whatever'

Just because in your opinion it's the norm doesn't mean it is for everyone.

@SuPerDoPer

It's weird. We expect children to learn to share, so why not model that? Imagine if the step kids were sat there scoffing sweets and not sharing them with younger siblings. If you don't want to share a treat then keep it to yourself, don't blatantly rub their faces in it.

I wouldn't expect them to share it no. I feel its important not to force people to share things.

@SuPerDoPer

So many step mums seem to resent the existence of their SC here. And then you all wonder why they don't show you much respect.

I don't resent them and we show each other respect that includes not insisting we have a right to whatever food it is the other is eating..

@CrappleCake you said it better than I ever could. So many of my problems in teenage and young adulthood came from people pleasing and feeling like I had to share or do what someone asked. It's healthy to let a child have a turn on their toy and say when you're finished maybe Fred can have a go and respect if the answer is no as its a special toy etc.

They're probably used to the idea - like most children - that parents don't mind their children's quiet presence (as it's a perfectly normal family life experience) so they don't feel obliged to get out of the way whenever there isn't a dedicated family activity going on.
Well I must be the worlds worst parent so because I was always very happy to see mine head off to bed!

Family time for dc that age is imo 6 - 8 pm & then it's bed - for everyone's sake.
If mine were hovering or lurking while I wanted to watch an adult program I had no problem with shooing them away.
Amazingly none of them are scarred from having boundaries enforced or separation anxiety from being in a different room to me!

@CrappleCake

as it's a perfectly normal family life experience

In your opinion.

I don't come from a blended family. My parents were together my whole childhood. I still remember being told 'right upstairs now so me and your Mum can watch X or chat or whatever'

Just because in your opinion it's the norm doesn't mean it is for everyone.

I suspect it's less common nowadays to send your children out of the communal living space purely because you don't want them there, but there's little point in debating that.

The snag is that the children's father doesn't appear to share OP's desire for their absence. Whether that's because he only has them for half the week, or whether he is just a parent who doesn't see the need for them to be sent out when they're doing nothing wrong, he seems to think it's fine for them to sit in the living room in the evenings. Perhaps he won't want teenagers who never come out of their rooms either; and they won't be going to bed at 9.30 then.

I don't come from a blended family. My parents were together my whole childhood. I still remember being told 'right upstairs now so me and your Mum can watch X or chat or whatever'
Me too @CrappleCake
Honestly this is just another one of those hand wringing "oh but think of the poor dc" threads!

And with the room thing hell yeah I expect my kids to actually use their rooms.

Children's bedrooms, especially older kids, are usually the most kitted out room in the house. Mine have game consoles, a TV, a computer, beanbags etc...

Precisely because that is intended to be their space.

By all means they can use the communal space as well to a certain point but I kit their rooms out like this so that they have somewhere else to go when I want my house back so yes I expect them to actually use it sometimes!

The snag is that the children's father doesn't appear to share OP's desire for their absence. Whether that's because he only has them for half the week, or whether he is just a parent who doesn't see the need for them to be sent out when they're doing nothing wrong, he seems to think it's fine for them to sit in the living room in the evenings.
And that same parent also needs to realise that he actively chose to share a home with a woman who is not his children's dm & he should also be respecting the fact that it is her space too & that her life in her home shouldn't just grind to a halt because his dc are there!

Yup same here, not from a blended family. I was always sent up at a certain time so mum and dad could watch gory TV. ER usually.

Otherwise what is the point in spending all that money actually doing their rooms up like that with all that stuff? They may as well just have a bed and nothing else. Be cheaper for me!

@CrappleCake

Otherwise what is the point in spending all that money actually doing their rooms up like that with all that stuff? They may as well just have a bed and nothing else. Be cheaper for me!

I know! I could spend all the money on doing up my bed room or the kitchen seeing as thats where I have to hide seemingly.

@CrappleCake

And with the room thing hell yeah I expect my kids to actually use their rooms.

Children's bedrooms, especially older kids, are usually the most kitted out room in the house. Mine have game consoles, a TV, a computer, beanbags etc...

Precisely because that is intended to be their space.

By all means they can use the communal space as well to a certain point but I kit their rooms out like this so that they have somewhere else to go when I want my house back so yes I expect them to actually use it sometimes!

What do you mean, you "want your house back"? It's still your house. It just has your children in it

Much is being made of how well "kitted out" the children's rooms are. There aren't any human beings in there, though. Sometimes people - especially closely related people who don't live together all the time - just want to be in the same place while they're relaxing and quietly doing their own thing. The kids aren't doing anything wrong.

Sometimes people - even closely related people who don't live together all the time - just want to be on their own while they're relaxing and quietly doing their own thing.

@NeesAndToes

Sometimes people - even closely related people who don't live together all the time - just want to be on their own while they're relaxing and quietly doing their own thing.

Of course - but the onus is on that person to go somewhere else, then. Three of the four family members seem to be quite content in one another's company.

I completely see where OP is coming from to all the people having a go.

Something that may have started as a niggle has become unbearable, especially as they aren't even her kids and they are just sat there on their phones. If their not interacting then they should bugger off to their rooms if they want to be anti social.

It pisses me off when I'm sat watching a film enjoying the evening and some tit is in the corner face glued to a screen. It's more the principle than the actual phone I think is what she's trying to say.

Of course - but the onus is on that person to go somewhere else, then.

Why? If all they want is to sit in each others proximity while glued to their phone, they can do that in any of the rooms. OP can only do what she wants to do in the living room, unless you're suggesting she goes and hangs out in one of the children's rooms to watch TV? I'm sure they'd love that.

I guess we'll have to disagree that the onus is on the adult to go elsewhere.

Imo that is precisely why I do up my kids rooms with their things, spend money (lots of it) ensuring it's a nice space for them with things they want. Because that is their space in my house. Yes they can sit with me in the lounge but I can also ask them to go into their lovely rooms too when I want some time alone.

No way am I going to go sit in the kitchen when my kids have a huge bedroom upstairs with all the luxuries they have!