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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Find this really annoying

163 replies

Taptap20 · 09/02/2022 20:30

I know I'll get told I'm terribly unreasonable because it's their house etc etc...

My step children have started just sitting downstairs glued to their phones playing games ALL EVENING.

It's really annoying me.

I actually wouldn't mind if we were doing something together like watching a film or something but they don't even speak they just sit... Playing on their phones.

And it then means we can't do anything like watch our TV show or have more adult conversations.

They stay 50:50 so I know I get the other half of the week but I literally work all day, I just want an hour in the evening to watch my show or have a conversation with DH. It would be different if they were actually interacting but they don't they just sit there all night not talking.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dyrene · 10/02/2022 12:14

Given the fact that the kids are only there 50% of the time, that he thinks that he is fully available to each of you in equal measure.

Such weird logic (as always).

The OP wants to be able to sit in the living room in her own house and watch whatever she likes.

Her husband could go and sit in their room with them and be ignored in the name of bonding himself.

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 12:19

If the children are creating problems in the home and are doing well in school, turning in their school assignments on time , and getting up and prepared to leave for school on time, why would they need an earlier bed time? because it is not healthy for kids to be sat on their screens all evening.

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 12:19

Maybe they find proximity rather than conversation to be their language of love and togetherness. they can go and be proximate somewhere else

Kinex · 10/02/2022 12:33

This is a hard one. If they were my kids they wouldn't be allowed that much time on a phone (no phones til secondary either) and actually I don't think going to their rooms with phones is a solution either - it's not great safeguarding for kids to be on the internet unsupervised.

In my opinion kids that age should also have bedtime, at least so they go to bed and read a book etc at a reasonable hour.

The issue, as you say, is that they're not yours and therefore it's up to your DP to handle the screen time/ bed time things.

If I were in your position, I'd set my own personal boundary. I'd say to DP you're planning to watch adult TV in the living room after e.g. 8.30 as you need some adult winding down time. Then it's up to him if he starts getting them to head towards bed then, or has them there when you're watching adult tv. If he is happy for his kids to watch more adult shows, that's his choice and not for you to worry about. If he doesn't like it, he can do bedtimes.

Another thing is that pretty soon you might want your little one in a bedtime routine. So talking about your views on parenting and bedtimes would be a good idea, as you will need to agree on a routine that works for everyone in the household. Things do change and adapt as the needs of the family evolve. Your needs aren't being met right now so try and meet them for yourself.

If you start the 'adult tv time' thing but you still find you don't get enough grown up time, then you may need a conversation about that.

Kinex · 10/02/2022 12:38

I feel your pain over the bar of chocolate btw

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 12:38

@Kinex good suggestion. Just start watching the violent TV or whatever it is. As long as you've given advanced warning that past 9 or whenever you are going to watch whatever gory sexy horror you want then it's on him.

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 12:40

I too have had the chocolate/sweets issue. I either go to my bedroom and eat it in secret.. which annoys me. Or I just brazen it out with oh no this is mine, your dad hasn't got you any.

Pinkflask · 10/02/2022 12:44

I have two similar aged DC and this would drive me insane. They’re not generally allowed on tablets after dinner, they can watch TV with us (Simpsons etc) or we play a game/do jigsaw/they run in and out bugging each other/read until about 7.30. Then it’s showers, PJs, story and bed. They might still be awake reading at 9.30, sure, but it’s in bed and it’s adult time in the living room! Totally normal and how I was brought up too.

CornishGem1975 · 10/02/2022 12:47

@NeesAndToes

I too have had the chocolate/sweets issue. I either go to my bedroom and eat it in secret.. which annoys me. Or I just brazen it out with oh no this is mine, your dad hasn't got you any.

MINE. My face says it all.

I am sick of buying stuff for myself and then finding my DH has given it to his kids. He thinks I am being unreasonable, I think fuck off, I went and bought it, I should be able to enjoy it!

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 12:54

@CornishGem1975 what really gets me is that he does the shopping!!!

QuirkyTurtle · 10/02/2022 12:58

Why is the sweets thing even an issue? When I was growing up, my dad would eat sweets, chocolate, whatever while watching TV and I couldn't have any because I was a child and my dad was a parent who made the money and bought the sweets.

I eat shit in front of my stepson all the time and he can't have any. Sometimes he asks and receives, sometimes he asks and does not receive, and most of the time he doesn't ask at all.

Kinex · 10/02/2022 13:30

@QuirkyTurtle

I eat shit in front of my stepson all the time and he can't have any. Sometimes he asks and receives, sometimes he asks and does not receive, and most of the time he doesn't ask at all.

I think it's a stepmum thing... if I have chocolate I feel obliged to share as I don't want to be wicked stepmum. But their dad would probably feel a lot more comfortable being like 'get off my biscuits!'

unfortunately in my house it's not dad who loves chocolate, it's me! It's all about feeling comfortable, really. Being able to watch a TV show at home and eat some chocolate after a stressful day would feel comfortable for OP. The children probably feel comfortable sitting on their phones. Dad clearly feels comfortable with kids around all evening - but he's their dad not their stepmum and he can easily say 'off to bed!' or 'paws off my pringles!' without it meaning much. As a stepmum it is not always best to set the boundaries with the kids. It's uncomfortable and often counterproductive. All we can do is state our OWN boundaries, and ask for what we need and hope our partner to work with us so we can ALL feel comfortable. In this case it would be a good balance if the kids were given a reasonable bed time. But failing that, all that OP can do is to try to maintain her own boundaries - 'I watch adult TV after 9pm', 'I eat my chocolate '.

Finallylostit · 10/02/2022 20:14

No one is saying these DCS dictate the house - as they are only there 50% of the time. So OP gets what she wants 50% of the time anyway.

Give it another year and you will be moaning they never come out of their room.

However I do think YABU to want them out of the way every night - school nights yes but Friday/weekend harder.

You resent them being in the house, sitting downstairs, their phones, watching TV, that you decorated a room for them anything else!?

Dyrene · 10/02/2022 20:25

No one is saying these DCS dictate the house - as they are only there 50% of the time. So OP gets what she wants 50% of the time anyway.

So they should dictate the house 100% of the time they are there then?

Or, maybe, it’s fine to send them to stare at screens elsewhere sometimes.

giggly · 10/02/2022 20:32

I’m not sure what your expectations are op? They are spending time with their father gaming or not but your complaining that they are there all the time, isn’t that what happens in the evenings with families?
Surely you watch “adult stuff” after they’ve gone to bed.
Anyway don’t worry in a few years you’ll be begging them to spend time with you

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 20:34

Surely you watch “adult stuff” after they’ve gone to bed I think from reading it part if the problem is there is no bed time so no way of knowing when they will go to bed

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 20:35

Anyway don’t worry in a few years you’ll be begging them to spend time with you

Give it another year and you will be moaning they never come out of their room

I honestly can't imagine ever begging my step kids to spend time with me to be honest. It really isn't something I'm that bothered about

sadpapercourtesan · 10/02/2022 20:36

They aren't "dictating" anything, though, they're just sitting with their family of an evening. It's a normal part of family life for people to share the same space, doing their own thing, quietly enjoying one another's company. They only have half the week with their father, so naturally they'd rather be around him than not. It isn't wasted time just because there isn't an organised activity going on, vegging out in the same space is part of normal family relationships.

I wondered how it was that some teenagers ended up alone in their rooms all the time. Now I know. It's because their parents actually want them to be

giggly · 10/02/2022 20:39

@NeesAndToes

I too have had the chocolate/sweets issue. I either go to my bedroom and eat it in secret.. which annoys me. Or I just brazen it out with oh no this is mine, your dad hasn't got you any.

Really? I cannot believe an adult would do this to their partners children. I think that’s an appalling message to send to any child in the home. Might as well say, no fuck you, your dads a shit dad for not thinking of your needs as that’s what it’s really about, and who’d want to be partnered with a knob like that.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/02/2022 20:40

As for the sweets - why not just share them?! I wouldn't sit and eat sweets in a room with anyone and not share them. It's bizarre.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 10/02/2022 20:42

@LethargicActress

Don’t blame them, blame their passive parent who has done nothing to limit screen time or set up a decent bed time routine.

THIS X1000!!!

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 20:43

@CrappleCake

Anyway don’t worry in a few years you’ll be begging them to spend time with you

Give it another year and you will be moaning they never come out of their room

I honestly can't imagine ever begging my step kids to spend time with me to be honest. It really isn't something I'm that bothered about

Same I don't care as long as they are happy.

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 20:43

@sadpapercourtesan

As for the sweets - why not just share them?! I wouldn't sit and eat sweets in a room with anyone and not share them. It's bizarre.

Because sometimes I just want to enjoy my treat in peace. And I don't know about you but my DSC are like a swarm of locusts, they'd demolish it in 5 seconds and I'd have had about two squares of my own chocolate!

It's absolutely FINE to want time alone and yes, even treats like chocolate or sweets to enjoy by yourself. Weird to make people feel guilty for that, it's a perfectly normal thing.

NeesAndToes · 10/02/2022 20:45

@giggly yep. It's the truth and he is the one who didn't get them any. It shifts the responsibility for providing for them back onto him where it should be. It's phrased more as "no these are mine, ask your dad if he got you any".

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 20:45

Me too @NeesAndToes

I highly doubt I'll ever be begging or moaning that they don't spend time with me. I know it sounds rough but I really don't care. I care that they are healthy and happy yes but it's not some great loss to me if they don't spend the evening with us. Can't say I've ever been like "oh I wish SC would come out of their room and spend time with me".

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