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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous?

68 replies

HumblePye · 08/02/2022 08:56

I have one DC (toddler) with DH who has older children from previous relationship. Both older primary.

When my DC was born I set up a bank account for him and pay into it monthly. DH doesn't pay into it but not really bothered about that.

Mt SC have never had a bank account and since I set up DS's, DH has always made noises about how he wants to set theirs up.

Anyway... DS recently got quite a bit of money from a relative in cash. I said to DH last night that I'll go to the bank tomorrow and put it in his account at which point he was going on again about setting up SC a bank.

We basically got onto a bit of a snippy argument with each other because he suggested I could have done it and when I said why? It needs a parents signature, their passports etc... He said well he could have given me those and "you'd have wanted to do it before DS was born but now you're only bothered about him".

Basically my AIBU is AIBU to think why the fuck should I be the one to set up SC's bank accounts when neither of their parents have? Especially considering I'll need DH anyway or their Mum to sign it. Like am I some sort of slave or something? Wtf... Why on earth can't one of his parents do it if they are so arsed?!

It's a common theme this whole "you're not as bothered since DS was born" crap.

I just walked away before it went any further because I really couldn't be arsed but I imagine the next thing coming would have been about me having more time to do these things than him because I'm at home (work very part time at the moment). But surely some things still need to be the responsibility of their parents? Especially things like banking which requires ID and signatures etc..?

OP posts:
Marmm · 08/02/2022 21:50

You an open an NS&I account for your child online at home. So he doesn't even have to get out if bed.
I'd get the ick tbh.

MrsDrDear · 08/02/2022 22:07

He's testing you. He'll compare everything you do for your child with not doing it for his DC.

Could you really be arsed with this permanently?

Tell him to start acting like a father and stop blaming you for his shortfalls.

Dyrene · 08/02/2022 22:20

It is exhausting having someone constantly monitoring your relationship with your own child and criticising you for not having that relationship with someone else’s children.

harryclr · 08/02/2022 22:24

@Dyrene

It is exhausting having someone constantly monitoring your relationship with your own child and criticising you for not having that relationship with someone else’s children.
Yep!
Kimbo180 · 08/02/2022 22:55

So GDPR would not let u anyway so wtf open any bank account for anyone unless its ur own or ur children. So hed want to cope d fuck on

Finallylostit · 08/02/2022 23:21

This has been posted on before - exact scenario

TwoAndCooPlease · 09/02/2022 01:16

Have you posted about this before?

DropYourSword · 09/02/2022 01:22

So, he's criticising you for not doing something he couldn't be bothered to do!

Also: It's a common theme this whole "you're not as bothered since DS was born" crap

There is a shit load I couldn't be bothered to do once my son was born that I previously would have. Being a new parent is exhausting!

whysoserious123 · 09/02/2022 01:31

So your expected to sort SC bank account out which neither parent bothered to do

Yet

Do you get a say in SC day to day parenting or is that solely on the parents !

Your DH and his ex can't have it both ways

rookiemere · 09/02/2022 07:28

And what if the SDCs did get these accounts opened. Where's the money coming from ? Suspect there would then be a view from DH that your DS money should be shared.

GrazingSheep · 09/02/2022 07:39

He puts nothing into your joint child’s bank account.
Yet he will put money into his older children’s accounts - when they eventually get them.
How do you feel about that?

Dyrene · 09/02/2022 07:55

The problem here is that it’s his attitude that’s shit. So even if he does bother his arse to open bank accounts, he’s still going to be a pain in the arse about what goes in the accounts or anything else he can come up with.

His expectations seem to be that you will see his children as your own (except presumably when it comes to deciding anything even where it directly affects you, as is the stepfamily standard) and that you’ll do all the wifework.

He needs to understand that his expectations are wrong. You are not their mother (but you are your child’s mother). And, even if you were, you wouldn’t be doing all the wifework. He needs to take his load with your baby too.

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 08:02

I've read this post before, or one exactly like it.

MeridianB · 09/02/2022 10:04

He’s being a total and utter twat.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2022 10:24

@BuddhaForMary

I've read this post before, or one exactly like it.
I’m sure you have. There are lots of shockingly entitled men around.
Lifeslooser · 09/02/2022 10:48

Would his ex set one up for your son? No, why would she, why would you for the others, his talking nonsense!

Marmm · 09/02/2022 11:28

@BuddhaForMary

I've read this post before, or one exactly like it.
I expect it is a common scenario. I've come into money and was setting up account for DC's Uni fund"what about DSC?" "Whatabout them love..." and a withering stare..
BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 11:36

Oh I'm sure it is. I know about entitled men all to well unfortunately. So many people dealing with the same shitty behaviour.

Tattler2 · 09/02/2022 11:46

OP, your husband is being absurd to place responsibility for initializing this process on your shoulders. You on the other hand are being petty in your refusal to do something that you could easily do without any significant inconvenience to your self.

What are either of you gaining from this nonsensical insistence that the other either should (your husband) or could ( you) begin the process. Neither of you seem to be willing to extend yourself for the other, and claiming the mantle of the better / more concerned parent seems to be more important than doing a good and beneficial service for the kids.

I don't see a better person in this process just 2 adults bent on making petty points.

Sprucewillis · 09/02/2022 12:02

He wants you to set up the accounts because he can't be bothered and he wants to take the credit for it. Honestly he's someone's ex for a reason.

rookiemere · 09/02/2022 12:34

@Tattler2 but OP isn't one of the parents. The DC have a DM and a DF both of whom could have easily set up a savings account over the years.

And to put it bluntly from an evolutionary perspective there's very little reason for OP to set up accounts that are likely to result in funds being diverted from her DC to the SDC. This is probably not even a conscious thought to be fair.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 12:37

@Tattler2

OP, your husband is being absurd to place responsibility for initializing this process on your shoulders. You on the other hand are being petty in your refusal to do something that you could easily do without any significant inconvenience to your self.

What are either of you gaining from this nonsensical insistence that the other either should (your husband) or could ( you) begin the process. Neither of you seem to be willing to extend yourself for the other, and claiming the mantle of the better / more concerned parent seems to be more important than doing a good and beneficial service for the kids.

I don't see a better person in this process just 2 adults bent on making petty points.

It is harder for OP to set up the account than the dad. There is no point OP trying to do it only to fall at the first hurdle when they ask if she's the parent. Banking rules are rightfully quite strict and you can't just go round willy nilly setting up bank accounts for whoever you feel like.
Marmm · 09/02/2022 12:38

Dad doesn't actually seem that bothered as it would be really easy for him to take the relevant documents, birth certificate, ID etc and go and open a bank account himself. Or, as I've said previously, some can even be opened online. But not by OP, as she is no relation to the dsc.

girlmom21 · 09/02/2022 12:41

He said you'd have done it before DS was born, but he didn't even think about it before DS was born and they're his children.

You're right as well about not being able to set them up if you have no legal rights.

ldontWanna · 09/02/2022 12:46

@Tattler2

OP, your husband is being absurd to place responsibility for initializing this process on your shoulders. You on the other hand are being petty in your refusal to do something that you could easily do without any significant inconvenience to your self.

What are either of you gaining from this nonsensical insistence that the other either should (your husband) or could ( you) begin the process. Neither of you seem to be willing to extend yourself for the other, and claiming the mantle of the better / more concerned parent seems to be more important than doing a good and beneficial service for the kids.

I don't see a better person in this process just 2 adults bent on making petty points.

Only one of those adults is the children's parent and as such able to actually do this easily and legally.