Maintenance

[Bomblbee]

Am I missing the point with maintenance.

Before I get flamed I know this is DH business and should be paying what it costs to provide for his children as agreed by him and DM.

My DH shares care of my SC with their DM, not far off 50/50 and pays some maintenance (above what the calculator suggests), I realise this isn’t enough to solely pay for any child but is it meant to?

DH pays for the SC whilst they’re in our home, pays maintenance for them to DM, as far as DM is concerned this maintenance should be enough to cover the SC the entire time they’re at her home and she shouldn’t have to put anything more into the pot towards their daily living costs or unexpected costs like trips or replacement items.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I was under the impression that the maintenance is to bridge the gap of extra time, not solely pay for the cost of having children incurred by the main carer?

Wow that’s quite a drip feed of information @candlelightsatdawn! Which paints a VASTLY different picture to your original post which I was responding to. I can completely understand why you feel it’s justified to pay for what you’re paying for - the situation is obviously very different to what was implied in your earlier post.

I do maintain that step families are largely a nightmare for everyone involved though!

I have always wondered how it’s fair that DSDs mum contributes less financially to DSD than DH does; he ends up paying twice essentially.
I have wondered if it should be different depending on the child’s age as obviously when they’re younger it’s different with childcare costs.
Just to add a complication to it though often it’s the woman whose career is affected by DC though so if DH and I split up that would be my argument but DSDs mum hasn’t worked in 15 years through choice so again that’s different

OP, if your husband is paying what he and his ex agreed upon, wherein lies the problem? It is probably not really his business what kind of weekend vacation that the ex provided for her children.

Sometimes, it really is best to be less attentive to things that do no really concern you; you are then less likely to feel the need to have an opinion about activities outside of your household.

@MooSakah

The only thing with 50/50 I struggle to work out what is fair is who pays for school trips? It shouldn't just be whichever person's time it is on imo.

Half each. Surely that's obvious. So if the trip is £100 both parents pay £50.

Half each. Surely that's obvious. So if the trip is £100 both parents pay £50.

Is that on top of the maintenance OP's DH pays or not though.

@MooSakah

Half each. Surely that's obvious. So if the trip is £100 both parents pay £50.

Is that on top of the maintenance OP's DH pays or not though.

OPS husband doesn't have a 50/50 arrangement

My DH shares care of my SC with their DM, not far off 50/50 and pays some maintenance ah yes sorry. Its not far off. Ignore me!

If the agreed upon routine maintenance did not include funds for school trips,extra curricular activities, and unplanned expenses that arise, then certainly the father should pay half of those expenses.

Why bother to have children if you are going to find it bothersome to have to provide for them? Kids are not some line item on a budget sheet. Unexpected expenses crop up on a fairly routine basis. If your goal is not to provide a good life style for your children, why have them?
Who sets out to provide a mediocre or barely satisfactory lifestyle when deciding to have children ?

@TrufflesAndToast

Wow that’s quite a drip feed of information *@candlelightsatdawn*! Which paints a VASTLY different picture to your original post which I was responding to. I can completely understand why you feel it’s justified to pay for what you’re paying for - the situation is obviously very different to what was implied in your earlier post.

I do maintain that step families are largely a nightmare for everyone involved though!

Wow that's quite a lot of sarcasm. Just to put this into perspective this isn't my post, so to be accused of drip feeding is slightly ironic as I was answering OPs question not giving a detailed history my own situation and I didn't want to hijack the post.

FYI I have posted on here before about the horse and been pretty upfront with why I do what I do so anyone that knows my username won't be surprised. Give it a search..

However this this firt time I had person to turn it into a bad thing, not exactly like my original post didn't acknowledge how DM feelings and showed I stamped all over her feelings. You assumed I did that, that bias is why a lot of stepmums would say why do you bother and maintenance comes into question.

And I bother because I do care about my DSD more than adults who should be able to put their own feelings aside for the sake of the children. I'm sick to death of adults giving children their emotional monkeys to deal with because they haven't dealt with their issues.

I'm very bloody glad DSD mum is adult enough to put her DSD first in this regard, even if she has struggled with it (which is human).

I also would like you to think about where my DSD would have ended up if I hadn't offered help... before you start with the whole "oh poor DM"

Legally though, the NRP doesn’t have to contribute to extras such as trips. What should be done morally is a separate issue.

I think the problem with this board is that many people are posting from their perspective/experience that CMS is a pittance and I firmly agree that in many cases, especially when the RP does the majority care, it doesn’t touch the sides.

The problem is we SPs can clarify on a post till we’re blue in the face that our DSC live in our household almost 50% of the time and maintenance plus extras are being paid to the RP yet our posts are still judged and derailed as though our DSC and associated expenses apply “only four days a month” and why aren’t our deadbeat DPs paying more than “the bare minimum?” At best you’ll get a resentful acknowledgment as to the facts of the actual situation being posted about with a “and so he should, what does he want, a bloody medal?!”

@Kbyodjs

I have always wondered how it’s fair that DSDs mum contributes less financially to DSD than DH does; he ends up paying twice essentially. I have wondered if it should be different depending on the child’s age as obviously when they’re younger it’s different with childcare costs. Just to add a complication to it though often it’s the woman whose career is affected by DC though so if DH and I split up that would be my argument but DSDs mum hasn’t worked in 15 years through choice so again that’s different

Isn't it funny how the ex wives never work "through choice". It's always claimed that this particular women had an entirely free choice, when I've never met any woman with children ever who had an entirely free choice to work or not.

And it's especially hard to work when your DH, who works, leaves you and your need to hold your children together and keep everything as stable as possible for them.

@MyCatHatesEverybody bang on.

Tbh I can see why other SP and dads are like you know, this is hassle why go above and beyond to be told your not doing enough regardless of what you do. Morally people shouldn't because kids shouldn't suffer for adults, but I can see how it happens.

Kicking people when they are helping and saying get in your box, is a sure fire way to make any SP go why bother.

@candlelightsatdawn there wasn’t a shred of sarcasm intended in my last post, it was meant completely genuinely. You may well have posted previously about your situation but I don’t know your username and don’t search peoples’ posting history before responding to them. I read a post and take it at face value which is what I did here. So please take your anger elsewhere - you can’t blame me for not knowing the enormous backstory which you didn’t post about initially!

"Isn't it funny how the ex wives never work "through choice". It's always claimed that this particular women had an entirely free choice, when I've never met any woman with children ever who had an entirely free choice to work or not."

Fair point but in my view people work for two reasons, choice or necessity.

In our case the ex worked minimal hours in a profession that would have afforded her mega flexibility from the day the kids were born. Relatives in the same village were restricted from helping with childcare, DH was restricted to mininum contact for max maintenance and even when the kids got themselves to and from school she didnt up her hours. She did channel a lot of energy into telling the kids "we can't have nice things because your dad doesnt pay me enough".

The day maintenance ended she increased her hours to full time, presumably out of necessity.

40/60 spilt so 60% with mum, he pays around £400 in maintenance then a bit extra for half of clubs, half DSD bus and half school hot dinners.

@MooSakah trips, smaller DSD hasn’t done many as she’s in primary school and covid has stopped a lot of them, from what I remember older dsds last trip around £200 was paid by DH as DM said she couldn’t afford it so if DH didn’t pay she wouldn’t have gone. DSD has no idea DM didn’t pay for what it’s worth.

Just to clarify I couldn’t give a monkeys what DM spends her weekends doing, I hope they all had a lovely time for their sisters birthday. Also I’m not a horrible step mum saying DH shouldn’t pay maintenance, of course he should as the spilt isn’t equal.

What is problematic is the £400 is (in mums eyes) to feed, clothe and keep a roof over the heads of both girls for the entirety of the 60% of the time they spend with her, plus her half towards clubs, bus and school dinner. Once this is gone, which obviously is instantaneous as it’s not meant to cover all that, then their pot is “empty” and she won’t dip into her own money for essentials unless she wants to. I know this is because DH will pay regardless so he’s tried “DSD needs X for school please could you pick it up and I’ll pay half”, they’ll just come home without it and it’s exhausting.

If I’m totally honest my issue isn’t with the cost, its the Disney mumming!! It’s all the “boring” jobs, parents evenings, haircuts even stuff that doesn’t cost anything, is left to DH to do in his 40% of the time which has a big impact on our family time.

@TrufflesAndToast your comments around @candlelightsatdawn are completely baffling! I can bet everything on it that if she had come on to post that she was taking her own DD to actual Disney and excluding dsd as her mum felt 'inadequate' you'd be telling her how awful she is as a stepmum for leaving the stepchild out or would you be suggesting that Candles own DD miss out because the step child's mother feels inadequate? Literally proves stepmothers cannot win on this board. Any woman can work themselves to provide for their child yes even single parents and to help assist with any disparity between homes or as someone says they could meet a high earner. I say this as someone who was a single parent for a long time and worked my arse off to ensure that all 3 of my children had their needs met to the best of my ability.

Op, your Dps ex is responsible for 50% of her children's costs. Having a child and divorcing someone does not absolve you of your own responsibility for your children.

@TrufflesAndToast your comments around @candlelightsatdawn are completely baffling! I can bet everything on it that if she had come on to post that she was taking her own DD to actual Disney and excluding dsd as her mum felt 'inadequate' you'd be telling her how awful she is as a stepmum for leaving the stepchild out or would you be suggesting that Candles own DD miss out because the step child's mother feels inadequate?

If the PP had come on here talking about that scenario (that completely different, invented and irrelevant scenario) then I absolutely wouldn’t say that.

For the last time, I was reacting to the fact that she simply said she pays for horse riding lessons for the step daughter but refuses to pay other costs and that the child’s mother finds that hard! She didn’t explain any of the backstory which I was apparently expected to know via osmosis or something

I don’t think it makes me nasty or judgemental or whatever else that reading that original post made me feel very sad for the child’s mother and uncomfortable about the idea of a step parent paying for something relatively lavish. When she explained the backstory I agreed it was totally different to how it came across and then was laid into for being sarcastic! I give up.

@Vie8126 thank you - was starting to think was going a tad mad.

The problem is even without what happened to DSD and her needing therapy ect, I'm not exactly dragging her to get her fingers lopped off, or even doing it without explicit consent of mum and dad.

It's disappointing to hear that some people would begrudge money being spent by SP on their DSC because the parents can't put their own kids, ahead of their own emotions.

People are happy to use SP as ATMs just it has to be only boring things nothing that might be interesting.

Weird how territorial people get, I always came from the school of thought of the more people who love/enrich DD life the better 😵‍💫 clearly wrong again.

@candlelightsatdawn it's weird isn't it! My own DC have a stepmother on a 6 figure salary and outearns me she only has one DC so she is able to do additional things with/for my children. I respect her for doing that as she doesn't have to I don't bash her for it or ask for a slice of her finances to ease my feelings of inadequacy. Will always confuse me when others want to just bash stepparents for the sake of it

Was just re-reading the responses and had missed this posted earlier about SPs buying expensive treats for their DSC: ”It kind of comes across as something that a quite immature step mother with no kids of their own would do because they enjoy the fun attention and praise it gets them.”

If there’s one thing almost every SM will know, it’s that any positive contributions by them towards their DSC are either totally taken for granted or attributed to the actual parent (if acknowledged at all), whereas pretty much anything negative is attributed to the step parent. The suggestion we’re nice to our stepchildren just for the recognition is laughable!

What is problematic is the £400 is (in mums eyes) to feed, clothe and keep a roof over the heads of both girls for the entirety of the 60% of the time they spend with her, plus her half towards clubs, bus and school dinners

Yup she's taking the absolute piss.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Was just re-reading the responses and had missed this posted earlier about SPs buying expensive treats for their DSC: ”It kind of comes across as something that a quite immature step mother with no kids of their own would do because they enjoy the fun attention and praise it gets them.”

If there’s one thing almost every SM will know, it’s that any positive contributions by them towards their DSC are either totally taken for granted or attributed to the actual parent (if acknowledged at all), whereas pretty much anything negative is attributed to the step parent. The suggestion we’re nice to our stepchildren just for the recognition is laughable!

Can't possibly be nice to DSC with out ulterior motive but also must love them like my own and spend money on them. Just only on what mum dictates.

I AM NOT A BANK

@TrufflesAndToast

She didn’t explain any of the backstory which I was apparently expected to know via osmosis or something

For the last time I didn't include loads of details because I was answering a OP because it simply wasn't relevant 😵‍💫 how did I know you would assume that I'm evil to that, and I would have to provide extra details since my original comment wasn't at you !

For the last time, I was reacting to the fact that she simply said she pays for horse riding lessons for the step daughter but refuses to pay other costs and that the child’s mother finds that hard!
*
Also* I'm a bit baffled by "refuses to pay other costs part" as I haven't said that at all, I said I refuse to subsidise another house hold, that's not that I refuse to pay for boring things at my house for DSC like you know heating, water, clothes furniture and food and I keep her under the stairs.

Ironically to me saying that in original post was factually wrong - that I have subsided DMs house in the past and I realise that was a mistake. I shouldn't be taking on another houses electric bills when I have to pay for my own and the increase of it when DSD comes to stay which I have no problem with.

This is mental. Let's just leave it at maybe a crossed wire or misjudged comment ect

I AM NOT A BANK

Bankers are better liked than SMs it would appear and have a better rep too..