Maintenance

[Bomblbee]

Am I missing the point with maintenance.

Before I get flamed I know this is DH business and should be paying what it costs to provide for his children as agreed by him and DM.

My DH shares care of my SC with their DM, not far off 50/50 and pays some maintenance (above what the calculator suggests), I realise this isn’t enough to solely pay for any child but is it meant to?

DH pays for the SC whilst they’re in our home, pays maintenance for them to DM, as far as DM is concerned this maintenance should be enough to cover the SC the entire time they’re at her home and she shouldn’t have to put anything more into the pot towards their daily living costs or unexpected costs like trips or replacement items.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I was under the impression that the maintenance is to bridge the gap of extra time, not solely pay for the cost of having children incurred by the main carer?

@candlelightsatdawn you need to give every detail of your backstory before you pass comment on someone else’s post so that there are no loopholes that would prove you do, in fact, hate your DSCs and/or their mum.

Exceptions will of course apply to you giving any backstory concerning the situation around DSCs mum, because it is of course totally irrelevant and you’re only posting it because you’re insecure or spiteful (or brainwashed by DH despite being on the receiving end first-hand… take your pick).

@MyCatHatesEverybody it would be laughable if the below wasn't so accurate.

It's the same mentality that makes me go so why do I bother (and I know why I do DSD) but honestly I find it upsetting that people might actually think this in real life and make assumptions based on the evil SM stories of old.

See that’s the thing I find so unfair about the “you knew what you were getting into” shit spouted at stepmums. If society’s prevailing attitude is that SMs are predisposed to be wicked, we’ll naturally assume most of those issues won’t relate to us because we’re just nice regular people who don’t hate children. How can we possibly have any understanding of the complicated dynamics that can arise from tensions between the two parents or the corrosive effect of Disney parenting etc?

No his maintenance is not meant to cover ever child-related cost. Mum is meant to contribute financially too.

Just RTFT. No idea why you’ve been targeted for a bashing, Candles.

@Bomblbee in this case it sounds like the maintenance is designed to cover half the costs of your SCs for 10% of the time they are at their mother’s. The mother should cover the other half.

So if the children live with mum for 219 night and dad for the remaining 149 nights then his maintenance is to cover the 70 extra nights they spend at their mum’s. It works out at just over £2.80 per child per day. If mum pays the same, then is £5.70 per child per day enough to feed, clothe and house them? Depends on all sorts of things including what else DH covers, where you live etc.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Was just re-reading the responses and had missed this posted earlier about SPs buying expensive treats for their DSC: ”It kind of comes across as something that a quite immature step mother with no kids of their own would do because they enjoy the fun attention and praise it gets them.”

If there’s one thing almost every SM will know, it’s that any positive contributions by them towards their DSC are either totally taken for granted or attributed to the actual parent (if acknowledged at all), whereas pretty much anything negative is attributed to the step parent. The suggestion we’re nice to our stepchildren just for the recognition is laughable!

Bingo.

@MeridianB I’m not sure I follow,

The difference is 20% so halved as you say would be 10%, he pays monthly, not annually so 10% is 3 days,

He’s paying £400 a month to cover those 3 days for 2 children so works out Just over £66/day each.

Even if he paid the £400 to cover entirety of the 60% of the time that month they’re at DMs this still works out over £10 each per day.

Plus extras for monthly costs to cover school bus etc.

He pays £400 for the 3 days difference?! (Is it 3 days I can't do the maths of 40/60).

The kids don't cost £800 for 3 days.

I might be being thick😂
I went on the provision that if it was 50/50 then DH would do 10% extra and DM would do 10% less, so DH pays for the 10% extra that DM does.
Say 30 days in a month so 10% is 3 days?
So if maintenance is to bridge the gap between 50/50 then he’s paying £200 per child which works out £66 a day

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Was just re-reading the responses and had missed this posted earlier about SPs buying expensive treats for their DSC: ”It kind of comes across as something that a quite immature step mother with no kids of their own would do because they enjoy the fun attention and praise it gets them.”

If there’s one thing almost every SM will know, it’s that any positive contributions by them towards their DSC are either totally taken for granted or attributed to the actual parent (if acknowledged at all), whereas pretty much anything negative is attributed to the step parent. The suggestion we’re nice to our stepchildren just for the recognition is laughable!

I don't think I've ever read anything on here that I agree with more than this.

The hours and the money I've spent on DSC over the years, for her to either dismiss my efforts entirely or say "my dad bought me x/took me to y/paid for z" to whoever asks.

Never mind that it's always been a 50/50 arrangement in terms of where she stays, the CMS still deems that maintenance is payable to her DM (paid out of our joint finances), and she's with us every weekend Thurs-Sun so we bear the cost of activities/shopping/meals out with her friends, because of the way the days work out. I don't begrudge this one bit, it's not DSC's fault - but it does grate a little that it's not acknowledged by DSC or her DM.

That's more than enough though? For 3 days. I don't get what mums logic is in demanding more.

I strongly believe nursery in fees, childcare, school trips and school uniform should be split equally between both parents.

If she matched it. Which she could be doing then that's £132 per child every day for 3 days?! Even if she doesn't match it that £66 per child per day is more than enough.

Sorry - bad maths. So £33 per day for each child per month from their dad. How much does ex expect?

@FrazzledMCPremenopausalWoman My DH had his DC exactly the same pattern as yours - Thu to Sun every week at mum's insistence. DH was still treated by her as being an "absent" parent

@Bomblbee

I might be being thick😂 I went on the provision that if it was 50/50 then DH would do 10% extra and DM would do 10% less, so DH pays for the 10% extra that DM does. Say 30 days in a month so 10% is 3 days? So if maintenance is to bridge the gap between 50/50 then he’s paying £200 per child which works out £66 a day

It’s a total myth that maintenance is always a pittance and doesn’t cover anything. It really depends on what the NRP earns. No matter what it is some people (the kind of people who ask about maintenance on any step parenting thread, however irrelevant it is) will insist it’s not enough.

Theoretically it should be covering the NRP’a half of the costs for the additional time the RP is responsible for the children. Not all of that time (it’s not compensation to the RP). Just the NRP’s half of it.

But it’s got nothing to do with costs. And the system is absurd in so many ways.

So if a contact pattern is 1/3 NRP to 2/3 RP then the maintenance should cover 1/6 of the costs of the child. But it might be £7 or it might be £700 a month. And it would be the same whether there are nursery fees to cover or anything else.

But, as I said, the RP could be receiving £1000 for having the kids 4 extra days a month and there’d be people on here insisting that the NRP wasn’t doing enough.

Is it really nearly 50/50 though OP?

My ex likes to say he is “one night away from 50%” and hugely resents paying maintenance. However, he has then literally one night after school and every other weekend. Plus just 3 weeks out of 13 weeks school holiday. No-where near 50% and he cannot get his head around the fact that if it was 50% that would include daytimes too !

No covering sickness from school, no bank holidays, no emergencies, no inset days, no hospital apts, no attending sports days and any daytime school events, just pick up at 3.15 as usual even when it is school holidays.

Which meant I paid for all holiday child care for years and couldn’t work full time as it was so hard to cover everything.

Also no paying for big items (CSA maintenance and not a penny more). So, for example, nothing towards a teenagers very expensive college bus pass, expensive sports kits, laptops, tablets for 3 primary children during lockdown, school trips, sports clubs etc…

But, if you spoke to my ex you might be convinced that I pay nothing and he pays for all of their upkeep

He is indignant that he “buys clothes for when they are with him” (but that is taken into account when maintenance is calculated)

If you want an example of absurdity, my STBEH has the SC 1/3 of the time. So his maintenance to his covers 5 days a month roughly (10 days each, then split the other 10). He pays about £730 a month for this.
In contrast, he has our child 0 nights a month. I get £450 a month in maintenance to cover his half of everything.

Based on the amount it time calculation, the SC seem to cost £73 a day each. But our child costs c. £30 a day (and he pays £15 of that).

You can’t even pretend it’s about income and evening things out post-divorce because it’s the same man with 3 children. So it’s just absurd and there’s no point in pretending it’s got anything to do with anything meaningful.

His first exW doesn’t work. So she probably argues that he should be paying for them all he time too and complains she only gets £730 a month. Some people are like that.

It’s all bullshit however you hold it. Pretending otherwise just frustrates you.

@BurntToastAgain is that all CMS calculations? That seems so odd!

Yes. That’s CMS calculations. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It makes no sense at all. Even more so when you consider the actual costs. I pay more than £1k a month for childcare.

The system is just shit. It is pointless pretending that it’s meant to cover anything in particular.

Although it is interesting how many people seem to think that the NRP is supposed to ‘pay for the kids’. As if it’s some sort of compensation scheme for RPs. (And I say that as a RP with the shitty end of the financial stick).

Similar situation to @BurntToastAgain in that the CMS calculation says our DC 'costs' less than his other children/SC. For good measure, he reduces it for the child he has with his present wife & her children (despite these children being with their Father >50% of the time but CMS doesn't consider that..). I didn't get the house, he's never contributed to school dinners, childcare, school trips, bus, phone, laptop for school, sports equipment etc. He has DC 10 % of the time all of which on weekends or when he's on holiday! He's never had to run out of work to get a sick child from school or navigate the wonders of ''holiday childcare'', never bothered to turn up at anything. So in short I do all the care, pay all the costs and he makes a payment to me which is reduced many times over for his new children / partner's new children (who again only spend a minority of time in his home). Hilarious to think this is anything near 'half of the cost' ! CMS is nothing but a cursory amount often used to absolve of any further responsibility. Baffles & infuriates me..

@candlelightsatdawn I think you're bloody lovely for what you do for your DSD

I get that it’s nice on the face of it but I do also think it’s inappropriate and overstepping for a step parent to act ‘Disney’ and pay for expensive treats that the child’s parent can’t afford….because they’re busy paying the boring bills.

On one hand, I can understand this. But on the other hand, at the end of the day, the child misses out because of the parent’s feelings. Surely it should be about the children and the parents are adults and should deal with their emotions accordingly.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

I get that it’s nice on the face of it but I do also think it’s inappropriate and overstepping for a step parent to act ‘Disney’ and pay for expensive treats that the child’s parent can’t afford….because they’re busy paying the boring bills.

On one hand, I can understand this. But on the other hand, at the end of the day, the child misses out because of the parent’s feelings. Surely it should be about the children and the parents are adults and should deal with their emotions accordingly.

May I also clarify as the original post is dig at me paying for horse therapy and a actual horse for my DSD as well . I have posted a fairly length explanation in earlier post as to why I do this with DSD after someone calling me a Disney step mum 🙄 and also that I contribute to boring household costs too as a SM.

But this part is the one that keeps being floated without any context so I won't keep boring people with it (but should anyone care..)

@Pinkyxxhobestly some of the comments really have really made me think, why do I even bother.. ofc I know why but really frustrating. To be berated for the thing people always profess is the right thing to do - which in my case was to help my Non neurological typical DSD and put her needs first.

If anyone was brave enough to say this in front of my DSD she would do a loop.

@WidgetyWoo
It’s 40/60 (to be perfectly honest it’s probably more 42/58, but I can’t be bothered to spilt hairs)

But I can guarantee you it is 40/60, DH collects oldest DSD from the bus and pays wrap around care for smallest DSD whilst he finishes work. DM doesn’t pay towards this cost as her parents mostly do the school run for her, again, not a problem and lovely for the girls to spend time with grandparents.

DH pays for DSDs phone, laptop, half for bus, half of clubs, half of school dinners, most clothing that goes back and forth, coats etc. plus is always the one to do the “boring” stuff like hair cuts, dentist etc.

I know there’s plenty of parents claiming it’s 50/50 and it’s easy to judge and point the finger at the paying parent a lot of the time and say, they’ve got to pay, they’re not doing enough. But in DHs situation he’s doing all of what yourself and a few PPs are doing (all be it 40% of the time, so of course he needs to pay something).

I absolutely do not begrudge him paying maintenance, whatever the cost may be, if he and DM deem that acceptable then that’s up to them. What infuriates me is that he pays half towards a few things and the majority towards the rest whilst also running about doing the main jobs because DM just leaves things and ignores him when he asks her. It’s actually the time it takes that frustrates me as he only has the girls 40%, but he’s expected to stump up for 100% of their living costs, do all the parents eve, dentists etc, and pay for most of their big items. Whilst DM caps their spend at what she gets in maintenance and might pay a bit towards something if she can be bothered, but if she wants one of the girls to take on an expensive hobby then she’ll pay out and then berate DH for weeks for refusing to pay half.