Maintenance

[Bomblbee]

Am I missing the point with maintenance.

Before I get flamed I know this is DH business and should be paying what it costs to provide for his children as agreed by him and DM.

My DH shares care of my SC with their DM, not far off 50/50 and pays some maintenance (above what the calculator suggests), I realise this isn’t enough to solely pay for any child but is it meant to?

DH pays for the SC whilst they’re in our home, pays maintenance for them to DM, as far as DM is concerned this maintenance should be enough to cover the SC the entire time they’re at her home and she shouldn’t have to put anything more into the pot towards their daily living costs or unexpected costs like trips or replacement items.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I was under the impression that the maintenance is to bridge the gap of extra time, not solely pay for the cost of having children incurred by the main carer?

I’m proud that my DP is happy to support the mother of his child to be honest. She has her own struggles and is primary carer to the child. The truth is that the mother usually gets the short end of the stick

@DaffodilDandilion
That’s very admirable if your DH and his ex are both happy with that situation, AND it’s what is best for their child. But in reality it’s just not sustainable for one person to be responsible for 2 households just because their child lives in both but one household won’t contribute.

@DaffodilDandilion And what happens if for some reason he’s no longer able to do so because your circumstances change?

He will always be able to contribute something, even if we both ended up on benefits he would have to contribute to making sure his child is comfortable and happy here and with the mother. We’d all have to downgrade our standard of living but I would anticipate us downgrading as much as his ex. Having kids is a huge responsibility, you can’t expect a man to drop that just because he’s made a new family

I don’t think I’ve ever suggested at any point that anyone should be able to drop their responsibility because they have a new family. In fact that is the exact point I’m making.
My DH is almost fully financing his children but seemingly their DM is able to drop this responsibility as and when she pleases

The issue is though that there is no alternative. I guess I’m fortunate that my DP has a good relationship with his ex but say she decided to not contribute financially to her own home, the options are that DP helps her to maintain a reasonable standard of living, that we leave his DC in a pants living situation or we take more custody will will deprive DC of the vital relationship they have with their mum.

I agree there is no alternative to that, but why would your DHs ex (knowing full well she has just as much responsibility toward her child as your DH) just decide that she’s just not going to pay for herself? She has a responsibility to your SC to maintain her own standard of living so she’s able to support her child, not depend on your DH to provide for her so she can do this.
Admittedly your situation sounds a bit unorthodox but I’m pleased for you that you’re able to accept it. I don’t think most people would, myself included.

The DC’s mother does have that responsibility but if she doesn’t step up then it is the DC’s father’s responsibility to make things as ok for the child as possible.

I think if one parent decides to they will not contribute financially to their own household/child then surely it stands to reason that the other becomes RP?

The child would still have a relationship with both parents but it is not tenable to expect one person to pay for 2 households longterm. It is not even possible for most people.

@DaffodilDandilion
If your DHs ex is already struggling as primary carer for your SD even with DHs financial support, is this actually the best living situation for your SD? Even if he has custody of the child/children this doesn’t mean they don’t see their mother.

@TrufflesAndToast

The calculated minimum doesn’t come close to even bridging the gap never mind anything else. So if your DH is (rightly) paying more than the insulting pittance that would be enforced by cms then it’s possible that amount bridges the gap but I highly doubt it covers all costs. Without figures it’s hard to judge so no one can really help but as a step parent coming on mumsnet and questioning how much maintenance your DH pays to the mother of his kids, you may want to get your hard hat on. It is unlikely to go well for you!

Personally I couldn’t handle my husband having children of his own and everything that goes along with that, I would only be able to cope with shared kids and all our resources going towards our shared kids. So I didn’t get with anyone with kids, I know it wouldn’t go well for anyone. So I get that it must be a difficult situation to navigate. But it’s never a good look when the second wife starts kicking off about how much money her DH pays for kids he had long before she was on the scene especially when I’m reality it doesn’t come close to half the cost of raising them.

Insulting pittance? The cms amount depends on the earnings. In some cases it will be low and in others it will be quite high.

This idea that maintenance is a minimum is truly a nonsense

My DH is almost fully financing his children but seemingly their DM is able to drop this responsibility as and when she pleases

I’ve supported my children 100% for the last 12 years. My ex - who is a very high earner with no mortgage or rent to pay - has used his self employment and the various women he’s lived with to get out of paying for his children for the whole of that time. Society still thinks I’m a money-grabbing bitch who deserves everything she gets. Never have I been able to drop responsibility. At least a man who supports his children with the CMS calculation is regarded as decent.

If your DHs ex is already struggling as primary carer for your SD even with DHs financial support, is this actually the best living situation for your SD? Even if he has custody of the child/children this doesn’t mean they don’t see their mother

You really think that children should live with the higher earner? That’s an awful lot of children who would be in permanent childcare and never see their mother again. What about babies? One of my children wasn’t born when he walked out. He did everything he could to remove that baby from me at birth - thankfully the courts saw right through him. But the idea that the higher earner would have had the right to a tiny baby because of money alone is a worrying one.

@Sowhatifiam

My DH is almost fully financing his children but seemingly their DM is able to drop this responsibility as and when she pleases

I’ve supported my children 100% for the last 12 years. My ex - who is a very high earner with no mortgage or rent to pay - has used his self employment and the various women he’s lived with to get out of paying for his children for the whole of that time. Society still thinks I’m a money-grabbing bitch who deserves everything she gets. Never have I been able to drop responsibility. At least a man who supports his children with the CMS calculation is regarded as decent.

If your DHs ex is already struggling as primary carer for your SD even with DHs financial support, is this actually the best living situation for your SD? Even if he has custody of the child/children this doesn’t mean they don’t see their mother

You really think that children should live with the higher earner? That’s an awful lot of children who would be in permanent childcare and never see their mother again. What about babies? One of my children wasn’t born when he walked out. He did everything he could to remove that baby from me at birth - thankfully the courts saw right through him. But the idea that the higher earner would have had the right to a tiny baby because of money alone is a worrying one.

Your situation clearly isn't comparable, is it?

@DaffodilDandilion

The DC’s mother does have that responsibility but if she doesn’t step up then it is the DC’s father’s responsibility to make things as ok for the child as possible.

Or in our case, the ex threatened FH with asking the CMS to take my salary into account, all while she refused to work

DH not FH

Insulting pittance?
The cms amount depends on the earnings. In some cases it will be low and in others it will be quite high.

I know right! People often automatically assume it's not enough and must be a low amount.

@Dollyparton3 can they actually do that? I'm a bit worried as DSC's mum is often saying I should be covering various things and DH's response is always absolutely not.

@MooSakah

Insulting pittance? The cms amount depends on the earnings. In some cases it will be low and in others it will be quite high.

I know right! People often automatically assume it's not enough and must be a low amount.

Yep. Dps maintenance payment is far more than we spend on our child per month. It's still not enough, apparently. When DSS lived with us, her £26 a week was apparently more than enough because why did we possibly need it

[quote MooSakah]@Dollyparton3 can they actually do that? I'm a bit worried as DSC's mum is often saying I should be covering various things and DH's response is always absolutely not.[/quote]
No, they can't. Dps ex also asked for this but they won't take it into account.

Dps maintenance payment is far more than we spend on our child per month. I do occasionally wonder why I don't leave DH and claim maintenance too! But then remember he does actually pay for part of the mortgage etc.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro phew thank you

@MooSakah

Dps maintenance payment is far more than we spend on our child per month. I do occasionally wonder why I don't leave DH and claim maintenance too! But then remember he does actually pay for part of the mortgage etc.

I would probably be financially better off if I did leave and claim maintenance I mean I obviously won't but I don't think his ex realises quite how good she's got it.

It's nothing to do with "keeping up her standard of living from the relationship" either because they were never well off. And before someone says well she allowed him to earn more, bla bla. Not the case. If anyone has done that it's me.

It's difficult, I live in another country and have 50/50 with my sons dad but they calculate CMS based on earnings so because he earns 2x what I do he still pays maintenance (very happily) but out of that I pay all wrap around care, vacation care, extra curricular, clothes etc.

I know that's not how it works in England but if there's a big difference in income i think it's reasonable.

[quote MooSakah]@Dollyparton3 can they actually do that? I'm a bit worried as DSC's mum is often saying I should be covering various things and DH's response is always absolutely not.[/quote]
No they cannot not.

You have no legal responsibility towards your step-children and no right to see them if you split up from their father.

It's nothing to do with "keeping up her standard of living from the relationship" I never get this as an argument anyway, they split up so they aren't in the relationship so don't get that benefit. If she was a SAHM with no qualifications because of DH then yes but in my case she isn't she decided to not work much and openly admits she doesn’t need to because her boyfriend is loaded.