Maintenance

[Bomblbee]

Am I missing the point with maintenance.

Before I get flamed I know this is DH business and should be paying what it costs to provide for his children as agreed by him and DM.

My DH shares care of my SC with their DM, not far off 50/50 and pays some maintenance (above what the calculator suggests), I realise this isn’t enough to solely pay for any child but is it meant to?

DH pays for the SC whilst they’re in our home, pays maintenance for them to DM, as far as DM is concerned this maintenance should be enough to cover the SC the entire time they’re at her home and she shouldn’t have to put anything more into the pot towards their daily living costs or unexpected costs like trips or replacement items.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable but I was under the impression that the maintenance is to bridge the gap of extra time, not solely pay for the cost of having children incurred by the main carer?

@Dollyparton3

I think the DM should thank her lucky stars that maintenance is being paid considering that contact is 50:50.

It does drive me a little bit nuts in this day and age that the gender divide only seems to be there when it suits Exes. It's not 1947 anymore and women can work their way up the ladder if they choose to. Especially if they're not in sole charge of childcare with EOW at dads.

Maintenance ultimately is a ticking clock and I'm surprised by how many women I know that don't have a plan b once their kids have flown the nest. But both parents should be contributing equally to their children, either in time or money

Yup. Dps ex is going to be in for a biiiiiiig shock soon. MIL tells me she is soooooooo poor and skint and just cannot cope. That's unfortunate because she will lose maintenance, child benefit and tax credits/UC all in one go next year and owe dp money on top of that. She could have saved what she owed him with the maintenance ten times over by now but she hasn't. Christ knows what her plan is.

If I want to buy my stepchildren something nice then screw their mum frankly. It's nothing to do with her. It's not on her time and if she's that petty the stuff can stay at ours. She doesn't get to have a humpf over how I spent my money. As long as dad is fine with whatever it is I don't care if she's upset she can't afford it. She could get a better job but no, like OP's situation she thinks DPs maintenance is for her to live off the whole time.

@TrufflesAndToast

I get that it’s nice on the face of it but I do also think it’s inappropriate and overstepping for a step parent to act ‘Disney’ and pay for expensive treats that the child’s parent can’t afford….because they’re busy paying the boring bills. I think you either keep yourself separate financially (totally understandable) or pitch in with the basic expenses. It smacks of Disney step parenting to me and isn’t going to help with balanced family dynamics. I know it may be done with good intentions but I personally believe it’s really inappropriate. It kind of comes across as something that a quite immature step mother with no kids of their own would do because they enjoy the fun attention and praise it gets them and don’t have the emotional maturity to see the impact it can have on the child’s mum. The PP previously admitted it makes the child’s mum feel like crap so if she was actually a nice person she either wouldn’t do it or would pay for smaller less attention seeking treats and use the rest of the money she wanted to spend on her step daughter for day to day expenses which helps her mum in turn to afford some small treats. Just my opinion though, I accept others may not agree!

Utter rubbish. If a step parent can afford to pay for something like a horse and riding lessons for their step child, who would not have that opportunity were it not for the SP, then why should they not pay just to avoid hurting the child’s mother’s feelings? Because if that was the case, the only person losing out is the actual child! Imagine the conversation. ‘Sorry little Florence, you could be having riding lessons on a pony but as it would upset your mummy you’ll have to miss out’. As a mother to a child with a step mother, I may well be upset that I couldn’t afford such a thing, but I’d be very happy that my child could have that experience.

@candlelightsatdawn
Ignore the hateful comments - you’re a stepmother, therefore you’re automatically in the wrong!

@TrufflesAndToast
Ultimately it was a bit of a drip feed from Candles however that doesn’t matter really because “why” she is paying for her SD to have a horse is irrelevant. God forbid it might be because she is a nice person and wants to do something for her SD. If it was an aunt or something paying and DM was kicking off everyone would be saying DM was BU for preventing her daughter from having a lovely
Hobby.

To be honest it seems a bit like you are aggravated by any behaviour from SP in general. As you’ve said your partner doesn’t have children so you're not a SP yourself, I’ll assume you're just very opinionated about step parents for some reason, or your children have a step parent that you dislike.

My original post was actually a question and in no way did I imply that I was annoyed by the fact my DH pays or the amount he pays and still maintain that. Parents legally have an equal responsibility to their children and I appreciate in many families, even some unblended ones, there is one parent doing the bigger share, and maintenance payments should be set that you pay towards taking less of the responsibility (I also appreciate some peoples payments do not remotely offset this). But you’ve immediately seen step parent and maintenance and assumed I’ve got an issue rather than reading my post.

So even in candles situation, yes DM might feel a bit inadequate or whatever, but her SD has 2 parents and candles DH also has a say in what is best for his daughter. He might also feel a bit crap about that fact that HE can’t pay rather than candles paying out, but I’m sure that discussion has been had and candles is happy to continue to provide this for her SD and DH will ignore his feelings around the subject as he knows it’s best for his daughter.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro a couple of friends of mine who are also SMs told me that their partner's ex was going to kick out the children when they reached 18 and maintenance stopped. They made this noise as they expected the father to keep putting his hand in his pocket to give them maintenance. Both the fathers simply said that's fine myself and SM have room for them. In reality only one ex did and the young adult child, who is lovely btw, moved in with them.

@mnhq why has my post been deleted? Not sure what in it could have possibly warranted that. Please clarify.

@Bomblbee I don’t have strong feelings about step parents at all, I don’t have one myself and am married to my children’s father so there are no steps involved in our family at all. For me this thread has massively highlighted how twisted and misinterpreted things can get from brief posts. Probably best left there!

It’s ridiculous to expect the NRP and SMs to never spend any money on the children unless they’ve first covered all the boring costs. If the NRP is paying maintenance, he is entitled to do what he wants with his disposable income. And his partner can do whatever she likes with her money.

Disney dad behaviour is a separate thing entirely.

😩😩 daft thing about this all is I actually do care how both my DH and my DSD mum feel. I wouldn't have offered it without their explicit and informed consent from both.

I'm a mum, I know what it's like to be overrule or not considered by dad. I'm also not in the habit of kicking a hornets nest between mum and my DH two because I rather like the (somewhat) harmony over something like this.

Sorry op this was massive deflection away from your post/situation and I apologise i really didn't mean for it to turn into a thing and I acknowledge I defo contributed to making it a thing because I'm a bit hormonal atm and rather protective over DSDs situation (that's my monkey no one else's)

candlelightsatdawn I was trying to be very (overly?) balanced here.

I was originally going for a ‘won’t someone think of the children?!? level of drama to make people realise how silly it is but then I decided that was rude and edited my post so heavily that it lost all sense of original meaning.

As a step mum myself, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. 💐

@candlelightsatdawn you were never going to win you'd have been classed as all sorts if you said you didn't want to upset the mother and therefore did not buy things for dsd but did your own DD or didn't include dsd in holidays etc. Seems we've established that the comments are coming from a poster with zero experience in this tricky field. I and the majority of posters think you are lovely to your dsd and are actually going beyond your responsibility towards her by aiding her with therapy.

As a stepmother you should know you csnt have any say, must bend over backwards send all your money to dp and his ex so there is no disparity and shut up and put up and offer free childcare whenever you aren't working/on Mat leave and do everything in your power to not make the mother uncomfortable or upset regardless of the best interest of their child 😉

Your all lovely ❤️ hormones have gotten to me of late. And don't mention mat leave .. is suspect I'm going to be rocking the boat myself very shortly in terms upsetting people 😩😩😭😭

You should be pleased that the man you have chosen to spend your life with wants to be generous to his children and their mother. It’s a sign that he’s a good guy, I could never resent that.

Both parents should be able to support their children financially in their individual households without relying on the government or their exes to cover the necessities like rent, food, electricity.
If someone needs time to recover their financial position, for example after years of being a SHP, they should accept the help that’s available and strive towards achieving financial independence as soon as possible. Not rely on the maintenance or benefits to be the main source of income for years.
That’s my opinion.

@DaffodilDandilion

You should be pleased that the man you have chosen to spend your life with wants to be generous to his children and their mother. It’s a sign that he’s a good guy, I could never resent that.

There should be no need for him to be generous to their mother. She is nothing to him now and he is nothing to her.

The children yes. But she should be contributing towards their upbringing too.

It's not doing her any favours. At some point maintenance will stop or heaven forbid he might die. She needs to sort her self out.

I don't have any biological children but my ex who I was with for many years struggled financially after I left because I was the high earner. If I decided to pay him maintenance because I'm so generous I don't think my SO would feel pleased because the woman he decided to spend his life with is so generous. What a crap argument that is hahaha.

@DaffodilDandilion
So I should be thrilled that he’s so generous and it’s fine that his ex wife feels it’s not her responsibility to pay for her children.

Believe if you swapped the roles round, any bloke would be made out to be an absolute pig in this situation…

I also never at any point said I resent the fact he is generous to his children.
Their mother is slightly different as she passes comment on absolutely every tiny thing my DH provides for the girls with absolutely no intention of buying anything herself, or paying anything towards the item so they might get something “better”. I’m not expecting that she thanks him for providing anything, just don’t ring up to tell him DSDs phone is “a piece of shit, I’d have never bought one of those”

@candlelightsatdawn please don’t worry. It’s lovely what you’re doing for your DSD and I’m sure deep down both her mum and dad are incredibly grateful, as I’m sure your DSD is

@Bomblbee if this was a bloke he would be roasted alive.

OP I think it's down to entitlement and some people think that actually people have to pay for the first family breaking, sometimes that's emotional and sometimes that's money wise and in some hideous occasions it's both. But the gender thing always only swings one way on MN sadly !

@candlelightsatdawn I completely agree that is the basis, thing is there’s no button on the CMS calculator that says;
Are you the reason your family isn’t together anymore? Yes or No
So I get some receiving parents probably see it as a punishment payment which should go on until the child is no longer a child, and I might be wrong but I suspect there’s probably an element of this being a woman’s response as they’ve birthed this child almost as a gift to their husband/DP/SO

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Bomblbee if this was a bloke he would be roasted alive.

OP I think it's down to entitlement and some people think that actually people have to pay for the first family breaking, sometimes that's emotional and sometimes that's money wise and in some hideous occasions it's both. But the gender thing always only swings one way on MN sadly ! [/quote]
Yeah I completely agree. For some reason a lot of people on MN seem to think the mum doesn't need to have any financial responsibility for her children and the dad should pay for it all. Even if the dad has the kids a lot and already pays hundreds each month, and mum doesn't want to have them any less.

Also lots don't take into account that the NrP (mum or dad) has to maintain a completely separate household, whereas at least the RP has (or should have) some input from their ex into their household pot, which helps them keep a roof over their own head as well as the kids.