I need help with my partner

Callumbeattie · 2022-01-22T18:02:47+00:00

I keep coming to the conclusion that my girlfriend isn’t fond of my children. I have tried talking to her about this and it ends up in an argument or her completely shutting it down.. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, I know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own. It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over. I do love her and when the children are not over our relationship is great.. am I expecting to much or looking at this the wrong way?

lunar1 · 22/01/2022 18:07

Why can't she make plans? It's your time with your children to be a dad and parent them. Is she kind when she does see them?

Winniemarysarah · 22/01/2022 18:13

Why would your girlfriend be excited to see your kids? Your kids are there for contact with you. You should arrange your plans around them, your girlfriend shouldn’t have to though. Is she not nice to them? Or is she just refusing to get sucked into having to act like a 3rd parent to them?

Mogul · 22/01/2022 18:16

Yes you are expecting too much. Your kids are coming to see you. Why on earth wouldn't she make plans for her weekends

Mamabear1212 · 22/01/2022 18:18

As a mother of 2, if my partner didn’t adore or make an effort with my kids I wouldn’t bother. My babies come first time x10384730. I was put second as a child and it’s something you can never forgive.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 18:19

Yes you are expecting too much, nothing will drive a partner away more than expecting her to be excited. There's no reason for her to be excited. And she may organise going out for when they are there because she needs that space, other people's kids can be really intense and make you feel claustrophobic.

What makes you think she doesn't like them? And what is their behaviour like?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 22/01/2022 18:20

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t give a shit about my kids. There’d be too much conflict.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 18:22

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t give a shit about my kids. There’d be too much conflict.

If you would create conflict because your partner wasn't excited about seeing them or made plans when they were there then relationships wouldn't be for you.

Callcat · 22/01/2022 18:22

Have you ever been excited to see someone else's kids?! Even if you like them. My DP and I have been together for years, and I really like his kids and really me. I wouldn't say any of us are ever 'excited' to see each other though. And making other plans is exactly what she should be doing when you have contact. We're you hoping to gain convenient free childcare out of this relationship?

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 18:22

Why not organise a day out/meal out for you all and ask her if she'd like to come along?

In general though , if she wishes to go and do her own thing during your contact time I wouldn't see a problem with that.

Is she mean to your children op?

Mogul · 22/01/2022 18:23

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken no there wouldn't unless you created it by trying to force things

Honeyroar · 22/01/2022 18:25

No you’re not expecting too much. I’m a step mum. I love my stepson and have always known he was “part of the package” if I got seriously involved with his dad. Sometimes my husband looks after my horses or dogs - they’re all part of the family and things that need doing. There are plenty of times I’ve picked him up from school or spent time with him alone in the school holidays because he was with us and my husband was at work. He’s part of my family, even if I’m not his mum. Id not bother with someone who wasn’t interested in a major part of my life personally. That doesn’t mean you want a nanny either!!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/01/2022 18:26

‘Fess up, you were hoping she’d be doing your parenting for you….

Mogul · 22/01/2022 18:27

@Honeyroar he's expecting too much if that's not what his girlfriend wants. Step familicome in all sorts of set ups and work in different ways

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 18:29

@Honeyroar

No you’re not expecting too much. I’m a step mum. I love my stepson and have always known he was “part of the package” if I got seriously involved with his dad. Sometimes my husband looks after my horses or dogs - they’re all part of the family and things that need doing. There are plenty of times I’ve picked him up from school or spent time with him alone in the school holidays because he was with us and my husband was at work. He’s part of my family, even if I’m not his mum. Id not bother with someone who wasn’t interested in a major part of my life personally. That doesn’t mean you want a nanny either!!

None of this explains why it isn't reasonable to do other things when they are around or not be actively excited to see them, though, which is all OP has mentioned so far.

Fireflygal · 22/01/2022 18:30

Do you have nephew or neices? If so do you expect to ne excited to see them?

A step parent is an extra adult around your children but they are not responsible for childcare and should let you get on with parenting. Don't try to force a bond as it won't work...only time makes that happen but it can take a very long time so have realistic expectations.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 22/01/2022 18:30

It would definitely cause conflict for me if my partner didn’t give a flying fuck about my kids. Too much of my life is dictated by being a parent for it to not. Where I could live. How I spend my money. Holidays. Christmas.
I’ve been a step child and I wouldn’t want an adult in their life, playing such a big part in decision making etc. who could take them or leave them.

Honeyroar · 22/01/2022 18:33

@aSofaNearYou it was meant to! What’s the point in being with someone with kids if you aren’t that bothered about them? Find a better fit…. I’d occasionally organise things while my stepson was here, but mostly that would be family time. Perhaps my husband and I are just particularly close/supportive? He usually came to horsey competitions with me too (his son did too!)

Original poster

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:34

Thank you for the responses. It’s why I posted on here because I don’t want to put any pressure on her with what my expectations are. I understand that we are 2 different people.. she’s never mean to the kids she just doesn’t make herself present and would disappear for the day when they are over. I think I look to much at the situation as I want there to be a family environment and I want to include everyone.

I want to say, I don’t try to force anything and if time away is what she wants than there is nothing wrong with that. I suppose I just wanted to ask a few heads as I feel if I spoke to her about it, it would make her feel bad or push her away.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 22/01/2022 18:38

How long have you been together?

You say family environment but have you discussed that? She might see you two as dating and not looking to be a step mum.

It really isn't for everyone and it's the hardest mothering job. Also no one knows how they will feel until they are in the situation. If you've been together a while you need to discuss each others expectations and you may not be on the same page.

Original poster

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:40

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

‘Fess up, you were hoping she’d be doing your parenting for you….

Honestly that’s really not the case. I just would like to eat at the table together or act as a family. I only see the kids every other weekend, I look forward to seeing them and I would love to have them more.

OP posts:

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 22/01/2022 18:42

How long have you been together?

Does she spend any time with your dc at all?

Not even being there for meals sounds quite extreme.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 18:44

What does the average weekend when they are there look like?

Original poster

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:45

@Fireflygal

How long have you been together?

You say family environment but have you discussed that? She might see you two as dating and not looking to be a step mum.

It really isn't for everyone and it's the hardest mothering job. Also no one knows how they will feel until they are in the situation. If you've been together a while you need to discuss each others expectations and you may not be on the same page.

Thank you for you’re response. I’m completely open to the fact that I could be the problem here. We have been together for 1 and a half years. I’m not looking at her to be a mother figure or to rush things, I just don’t want anyone to feel like they don’t belong, to include everyone and for no one to be left out.

Honestly she is an amazing lady, the time she does spend with the kids is amazing. I think by reading the reply’s from some other lady’s opinions that’s I potentially am overthinking things.

OP posts:

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 18:49

This is exactly why I suggested that you ask her for a day out bowling , then dinner at wagamama (or whatever) with you and your children.

You're not going to know if you're compatible and comfortable as a unit unless you put these things together yourself. I trust that you don't expect her to make these arrangements.

If a weekend is just doing things ar home then I can completely understand why she'd want to go and spend her time off of work doing her own leisure activities.

Flocon · 22/01/2022 18:51

Have you tried suggesting a meal out or an activity you can all do together? It's good that's she's giving you space with them tbh.