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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I need help with my partner

129 replies

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:02

I keep coming to the conclusion that my girlfriend isn’t fond of my children. I have tried talking to her about this and it ends up in an argument or her completely shutting it down.. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, I know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own. It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over. I do love her and when the children are not over our relationship is great.. am I expecting to much or looking at this the wrong way?

OP posts:
Mogul · 22/01/2022 22:46

She wakes at 10am and goes to the stables

What person with a horse gets to sleep in til then? What am I doing wrong?!

Justtobeclear · 22/01/2022 23:02

I think the thing that’s lacking here is proper communication. You need to sit down with your partner and ask her exactly what is going on and try hard not to react to what she is telling you. No parent wants to hear bad things about their own children so she maybe avoiding saying what she knows could be hurtful. Once she has given you a clear idea of how she is feeling you’ll be in a much better place to make a decision on your future.
I’ve been a stepparent for the last 4 years and have had many tough conversations but they needed to happen in order to move forward. I don’t mean this to be harsh but if you can’t ask her and she can’t give you an honest answer at this point your relationship won’t survive long term.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 23:29

So she's not acrually complaining about the situation? You're just assuming it bothers her because she doesn't want more, but wanting more isn't the default.

Tbh I think light interest whilst still maintaining a young, responsibility free lifestyle is a healthy level of involvement for someone fresh out of uni in their 20s. It's an active choice becoming a parent in your 20s, and one she hasn't made. Being pressured into adopting that lifestyle before you want it could end up being a major source of regret in her life. Don't do it to her, she doesn't want to be a parent right now.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/01/2022 01:50

Why are you only seeing your kids EOW?

That aside, she doesn't seem like a good fit for you. I would reconsider the relationship.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 23/01/2022 07:42

@Willyoujustbequiet

Why are you only seeing your kids EOW?

That aside, she doesn't seem like a good fit for you. I would reconsider the relationship.

Where his contact arrangements got to do with you? He's asking for advice re his gf not how often he sees his children Hmm
Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 07:59

I’d love to know how she affords to have a mortgage and a horse while at uni and while unemployed/looking for work after uni! All that and you sleeping on the landing so she can sleep in.. She has an easy life!

Flocon · 23/01/2022 08:01

How easy would it be to sell the house and live separately for a big?

Flocon · 23/01/2022 08:01

Bit even

Bananarama21 · 23/01/2022 08:06

Interesting Op hasn't come back I suspect there was alot more to what happened here, its strange to have a baby and toddler leave his previous partner and then suddenly have a new partner and move them in quickly. I think he wants to recreate that family unit eow which isn't the case here. If you do come back op was than an overlap with your ex and your gf the timeline doesn't seem to add up here.

DoubleGauze · 23/01/2022 10:47

@mummytotwoboys0600 exactly. And also that's a perfectly normal arrangement for such small children. Sometimes with a weekday afternoon thrown in too , but that's not always possible due to work schedules. 50/50 mostly won't be the best thing for a 2 year old.

VeryMuchSo13 · 23/01/2022 14:35

I'm not going to be sympathetic to you sleeping on the floor when your partner has never asked that once of you. You sound like an absolute drama queen with that sorry.

It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over

And honestly get the idea of her jumping for joy at the prospect of spending the day with your child out of your head. Why would she? She isn't their mother. She isn't going to get excited to see them like you do. You don't feel the same way as each other about the children and that is how it should be. You're their parent you get excited about seeing them. She doesn't need to.

As long as she doesn't prevent you from seeing them what's the problem? When you see your kids you get to spend decent quality 1 on 1 time with them and your girlfriend makes herself sparse to allow that. That is great imo! You've been together for 1 and a half years and you already live together. That's a big upheaval for your kids. They probably like the fact she doesn't hang around all the time when they are there to see YOU.

She isn't their step mother. She's their dad's girlfriend of less than two years. Slow down all this happy family shite.

BurntToastAgain · 23/01/2022 17:11

I'm not going to be sympathetic to you sleeping on the floor when your partner has never asked that once of you. You sound like an absolute drama queen with that sorry.

Yes.

It is interesting that the OP has posted this on stepparenting - do actually a place she might look for support.

And that he’s presented it as ‘I have to sleep on the floor and keep them quiet’ when he’s admitted she hasn’t asked for this it complained about them at all.

In fact, by his own admission they go to pick his children up and is nice to them while she’s there. His objection isn’t that his children are being pushed out, it’s that she’s just getting on with things and letting him have time with his children. She comes back at the children’s tea time, which presumably is pretty early. No one is stopping him from shaving ‘family dinners’ with his young children at 5.

She’s not complaining about it and talks to him reasonably. But she’s put her perfectly reasonable boundaries in place and made it clear that she doesn’t have a problem with his children. He’s doing odd things like sleeping on the floor and then asking her what her problem is. No wonder she’s said she refuses to discuss it any further.

candlelightsatdawn · 23/01/2022 18:07

@BurntToastAgain that's the thing he's saying he's worried about the kids feeling pushed out which I would totally get if his other half was demanding all his time during contact or stopping him spend time with the kids...

But what she's doing is enabling her free contact between the OP and his kids and then weirdly saying she's pushing the kids out by going to do her own thing alone. It feels like giant contradiction.

I personally feel like he posted here to get a enough comments to say - look your a hideous person everyone's saying for me to leave you, and then use it as a weapon to beat her with.

This guy doesn't seem to be flying straight...

BurntToastAgain · 23/01/2022 18:43

I totally agree @candlelightsatdawn.

So many people seem to have seen ‘sleep on the floor’ and stuff about ‘family environment’ and decide she must be a terrible person who shouldn’t be near the children.

The kids have a family environment. They get time with their dad every second weekend. His girlfriend steps aside and doesn’t expect his attention. She’s nice to them when she sees them, but is just getting on with things she needs to do.

And he’s presenting himself as a martyr forced to sleep on the floor and gag his toddler.

DoubleGauze · 23/01/2022 19:12

I think majority are saying that if he's not happy he should end the relationship. That's beneficial for both of them if it's not working , especially her , as she shouldn't be pressured into behaving a certain way if she doesn't want to.

candlelightsatdawn · 23/01/2022 21:11

@DoubleGauze some are insinuating that she's a bad person or dislike hates the SC. Which is weird because she's shown no signs of that.

NowEvenBetter · 23/01/2022 21:37

That’s good that she’s giving you time to parent your kids, it’s crucial, since you barely see them.
Did you really get together with her when your youngest was an 18 month old baby?

NowEvenBetter · 23/01/2022 21:37

*six month old baby?

vesperlindor · 24/01/2022 12:58

The thing is, with children that small, you cannot get any peace and quiet in your own home, no matter how hard you try. Locking yourself in a bedroom to watch tv or read a book usually ends up with a little knock on the door and a small voice demanding to know what you are doing or can they come in - it's natural for small children, but it's annoying when they're not yours, and you just want to chill! They want your attention, to play, to be taken to the toilet, to get snacks, to put Peppa Pig on for them etc etc - it's relentless. IME, if you're at home, you're fair game, even if daddy does his best to entertain them. Often the only thing you can do to get some P&Q is take yourself out of the house.

I have been a SM to a toddler, and it is HARD (and you have two!) - you feel like your home and your time is not your own when they are there, so I strongly suspect that's why your gf is out a lot of the time.

I didn't used to hate mine coming over, or have a problem with them being at the house, I just used to prefer the weekends when they weren't - so when your girlfriend says she doesn't have a problem with it, she most likely doesn't - she just has other things she'd prefer to do, and she's just getting on with her life.

She really doesn't sound like she's doing much wrong tbh - she's leaving you to spend time with your daughters, she's nice to them when she sees them. It seems like a mismatch of expectations as others have said - you see her as part of your family with your daughters, she sees herself as your girlfriend. Only you can decide really whether this will work for you long term - it sounds like she doesn't want to give any more right now, and that's her prerogative, you can't make her play happy families.

And as for sleeping on the floor - just stop it. Yes, as their parent you do have a responsibility to make sure they don't wake her up at 6am screaming and shouting and jumping on her, but any more than that, no. Get up with them when they wake, leave your girlfriend in bed, and play quiet games with them / watch tv etc until a reasonable hour.

Iwonder08 · 25/01/2022 04:25

Poor young woman must be overwhelmed with this pretend family performance. 2yo and 4yo are super hard work even when they are your own. And now she is expected to be 'excited' about seeing them. Given the timeline she probably saw them less than a year ago for the first time.

TeeBee · 25/01/2022 05:17

You keep saying you want 'family time'. They aren't each others' family. She's your girlfriend. Maybe she doesn't want to be shoehorned into playing the role of 'mother' I'm this 'family'. It makes sense for her to do her hobbies when the children are there, the alternative is to fi them instead of your couple time.
Have you even asked her if she wants you all to be a 'family' or is that just your need/desire?

Marmelace · 25/01/2022 05:29

Sounds like you wanted her to take the place of their mother when you had them. You have known her all of 5 minutes and you're children are so young. Have you ever parented then alone without the expectations of someone who was a stranger to them? Caring comes over time, it is not instant.

Marmelace · 25/01/2022 05:30

Your not you're!

MummyWoodentop · 25/01/2022 06:13

i know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own

Ooooooooo - well if you are coming from the point of view that women are wired to push the cuckoos out of the nest (I assume men can do whatever they want and it's ok) Then why are you foisting her on your DCs.

TeeBee · 25/01/2022 09:04

You say that when you discuss it, it ends up an argument. What is she saying in the argument?