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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I need help with my partner

129 replies

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:02

I keep coming to the conclusion that my girlfriend isn’t fond of my children. I have tried talking to her about this and it ends up in an argument or her completely shutting it down.. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, I know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own. It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over. I do love her and when the children are not over our relationship is great.. am I expecting to much or looking at this the wrong way?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/01/2022 18:54

Do you live together? How old are your kids?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:55

@aSofaNearYou

What does the average weekend when they are there look like?
We pick the kids up, take them back to our place. The kids would usually play for a little bit before lunch. Straight away she would make plans to be out at the stables or something and would usually be gone from mid day, and come back usually as the kids dinner time.

I have noticed she moves her stuff to do around so it falls on the days the kids are over. She would wake up anywhere from 10am-12am. Usually be straight out the door or go soon .

I think where I’m coming from is I try my hardest to keep the noise down so the kids don’t wake her, I try to keep things fun and calm so it’s not a stressful environment. I feel like now that I’m putting the kids out for her. Which when I go to bed or drop the kids home I always feel if I have done enough for them. I’m not expecting her to do the parenting for me, just want to do some family stuff together, or the time she does spend with them to feel like it’s not a burden.

OP posts:
Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:56

@pinkyredrose

Do you live together? How old are your kids?
Yeah we got a house together. I was very honest and open from the beginning when we met. I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Both girls .
OP posts:
harriethoyle · 22/01/2022 18:59

Why on earth can't she do her own things when your kids are over? She's probably trying to ensure they have one on one time with their dad. The poor woman shouldn't have every minute of her weekend dictated by your kids who you should be parenting. Maybe step up a bit more with your kids and stop blaming your girlfriend for not parenting them (which isn't, at all, her role).

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:03

@harriethoyle

Why on earth can't she do her own things when your kids are over? She's probably trying to ensure they have one on one time with their dad. The poor woman shouldn't have every minute of her weekend dictated by your kids who you should be parenting. Maybe step up a bit more with your kids and stop blaming your girlfriend for not parenting them (which isn't, at all, her role).
I don’t have a problem her doing her own things. Also I don’t expect her to do any mothering, I’ve never put her in that position. I just want occasionally in the day for some time to be spent as a whole rather than me trying to impress or fit everyone in.
OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 22/01/2022 19:04

Do you think she might just be being very careful not to overstep; to allow the children to get to know her slowly and to come to her in their own time? Because it can be absolutely the wrong thing to do to come on too strong and try to create an instant family - far too much pressure on the children.

Alternatively, she might just be afraid - all too often you can't do right for doing wrong as a step-parent (which of course she isn't, yet, officially).

Or she might be putting the children first and allowing them the time they need with you to themselves.

Or you might be right and she might not like the kids that much, or not like them all the time and just need her own space.

All of those options would be normal and reasonable.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/01/2022 19:04

So you got together when your youngest was 6 months?

CarriesShoes · 22/01/2022 19:05

@Callumbeattie why do you want a family environment? I'm not being contentious I'm just curious?

ACCx · 22/01/2022 19:05

I think people are misunderstanding the poster completely. They’re not saying that she cannot make plans when the kids are there. I think it’s the fact that she always makes herself busy when the kids are around. This would make me question if she likes my DCs. It’s a shame to think loads of people would be okay with this. My DC comes before anything and I wouldn’t want to share my life with someone that never bothered with them.

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 19:08

You're not answering my question op. Do you organise things for all of you to do together?

Tattler2 · 22/01/2022 19:10

OP, figure out what your "requirements" are for you to have and maintain an adult relationship Share that information with your perspective partner; she has an absolute right to know. If the 2 of you are in agreement, then you have your answer. In considering your requirements, factor in how you much weight you are going to place on your children liking or being excited about having to spend time with your perspective partner.

It is far better to consider these issues in advance of making any long term commitments. It is also possible to compartmentalize your life such that your romantic interests and your children need not intersect.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 22/01/2022 19:11

If she doesn't have children of her own she may be absolutely clueless about how to spend time with them or what to do. They're so tiny. She will need you to be explicit about what you want and invite her in; the kids will need to be shown how to behave and interact with her. You'll need to articulate what is going on in your parent head, eg if you love the fact that one of the kids has learned something new or you are mildly irritated by something but you are picking your battles and allowing a bit of relaxed wriggle room, say it out loud. Non-parents often don't have that thought process about what's going on and are just a bit baffled by kids. And when you're baffled, it can be a bit boring. It's helpful to know what the person who loves the kids is thinking.

CarriesShoes · 22/01/2022 19:12

@ACCx I'm a new poster here but from what I can gather most people on these threads advise that eow dads to get plenty of one on one time with their dc. This woman seems to be promoting this. She doesn't seem to be asking that her partner prioritise her on his weekend with his dc. She seems happy doing her own thing and giving him space with his children.

Kuachui · 22/01/2022 19:12

your youngest is 2 and yet you live with another woman? quick mover? as bfor your partner.. she probably finds kids annoying. but its her fault for getting in a relationship with a father.

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:13

@DoubleGauze

You're not answering my question op. Do you organise things for all of you to do together?
Yeah I do, one time it led to her feeling far to uncomfortable. Once again there is nothing wrong with that we slowed things down, we have came along way since then. I try to support her and I never have cornered her or forced anything. There is nothing wrong with the way she feels, I’m not trying to change her or force anything she doesn’t want. Just I don’t know where the line is when it comes to me putting my children first by like keeping the noise down so she can sleep without being woken. Sometimes when the kids are over I sleep on the floor in the hallway so that if the kids woke up at night it’s not going to affect my partner or stress her out. I just don’t know what to do that’s all
OP posts:
ACCx · 22/01/2022 19:15

@CarriesShoes Yes I can see it from that way also. Perhaps the partner is trying to give dad that quality time with his kids. For me I can understand OP wanting to do things as a family after 1.5 years too.

CarriesShoes · 22/01/2022 19:16

@Callumbeattie has she actually said she finds your dc being there difficult or stressful?

GrapefruitPink · 22/01/2022 19:16

@ACCx

I think people are misunderstanding the poster completely. They’re not saying that she cannot make plans when the kids are there. I think it’s the fact that she always makes herself busy when the kids are around. This would make me question if she likes my DCs. It’s a shame to think loads of people would be okay with this. My DC comes before anything and I wouldn’t want to share my life with someone that never bothered with them.
Yes I totally agree with this. Op seems to just want her involved in his children's lives and she's always making plans to not be there.

I totally get where your coming from, i would take the advise of a previous poster and organise a day out all together.

ACCx · 22/01/2022 19:17

@Callumbeattie it sounds like you’re tip toeing around her by sleeping on the floor in the hallway. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have got a house with you if she could accept your children making noise every other weekend.

Flocon · 22/01/2022 19:21

I totally get where your coming from, i would take the advise of a previous poster and organise a day out all together. I think perhaps just a meal out or an afternoon. By the sounds of it she isn't used to being around kids? But ask her. Just say look, I'd like you and the kids to get to know each other a bit better so you and they feel comfortable around each other. And is there anywhere she'd like to go out for a quick meal? Pizza express somewhere like that. Or even does she want to choose a takeaway for you all.

aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 19:21

Tbf, assuming she works during the week, the weekend is a logical time for her to do anything she wants to do.

As for the other stuff, you can't force her not to view it as a burden, if that's how she sees it. 2 and 4 year olds are full on, some would always view being around them as hard work, and they may have behaviour that is specifically challenging. You're entitled to feel like you want to be with someone who enjoys being around them more, but you would be expecting too much to begrudge someone for not feeling that way.

You don't have to be deathly quiet at the weekends, could you do one quiet morning and one normal one, or try and take them out to the park in the mornings? I often loosely keep my 3 year old quiet for a couple of hours on the weekend so DP can have a lie in, it's never a major issue. Sleeping on the floor seems like taking it a bit too seriously.

What happens in the conversations where she shuts down and gets angry? What do you say to her, and what does she say back? What's her take on the situation?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:22

[quote ACCx]@Callumbeattie it sounds like you’re tip toeing around her by sleeping on the floor in the hallway. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have got a house with you if she could accept your children making noise every other weekend.[/quote]
I know there is no right or wrong way.. I’m not expecting what most people think on here. Just the little time I do see the kids I do t want to be feeling like I am pushing the kids out. Whenever I try talking about it to my partner I get “I’m not talking about this again “ or “that’s not the case” . Those sort of answers.. so it makes me feel like I’m putting to much pressure on her. I only posted on here for advise to maybe see it easier from her perspective.

I’m completely open to the idea that I could be the problem. Or I’m expecting to much. Whenever the kids arnt here she says she wants to do all these things with the kids. However every weekend when the kids are here she’s out got all her stuff to do that she normally does in the week ..

OP posts:
Flocon · 22/01/2022 19:23

Sometimes when the kids are over I sleep on the floor in the hallway so that if the kids woke up at night it’s not going to affect my partner or stress her out right that's a bit much really. Your kids are young they are going to wake you all up. I think you might need to have an honest chat with her and ask if she is happy having the kids around or not really and go from there.

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 19:25

That doesn't sound good @Callumbeattie
In asking that question I was trying to understand if she's simply giving you space or wasn't sure where she fits into your life with your kids.

Unfortunately it looks like she has no interest in being around them , what happens next is up to you I guess. Is this okay?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:27

@aSofaNearYou

Tbf, assuming she works during the week, the weekend is a logical time for her to do anything she wants to do.

As for the other stuff, you can't force her not to view it as a burden, if that's how she sees it. 2 and 4 year olds are full on, some would always view being around them as hard work, and they may have behaviour that is specifically challenging. You're entitled to feel like you want to be with someone who enjoys being around them more, but you would be expecting too much to begrudge someone for not feeling that way.

You don't have to be deathly quiet at the weekends, could you do one quiet morning and one normal one, or try and take them out to the park in the mornings? I often loosely keep my 3 year old quiet for a couple of hours on the weekend so DP can have a lie in, it's never a major issue. Sleeping on the floor seems like taking it a bit too seriously.

What happens in the conversations where she shuts down and gets angry? What do you say to her, and what does she say back? What's her take on the situation?

She’s been off work for the last 6 months
OP posts: