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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I need help with my partner

129 replies

Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 18:02

I keep coming to the conclusion that my girlfriend isn’t fond of my children. I have tried talking to her about this and it ends up in an argument or her completely shutting it down.. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, I know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own. It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over. I do love her and when the children are not over our relationship is great.. am I expecting to much or looking at this the wrong way?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 19:29

Ok fair enough, she probably is trying to get out of the way on the weekends for one reason or another, then.

What about the other stuff? What happens during the arguments?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:31

@DoubleGauze

That doesn't sound good *@Callumbeattie* In asking that question I was trying to understand if she's simply giving you space or wasn't sure where she fits into your life with your kids.

Unfortunately it looks like she has no interest in being around them , what happens next is up to you I guess. Is this okay?

I suppose you’re right. I’ve probably just been avoiding the reality of it all when the kids ain’t here.
OP posts:
ACCx · 22/01/2022 19:31

@Callumbeattie I don’t think you’re the problem at all. I’d be devastated if the person I loved didn’t have any interest in my dc. It would make my life very difficult. In the nicest way possible how will your daughters feel growing older knowing you had to sleep on the floor to ensure they don’t wake your girlfriend up. They’re the priority and dad shouldn’t be sleeping in the hallway when they come around incase they wake the princess up.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 22/01/2022 19:31

What happens when the kids wake her up?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:32

@aSofaNearYou

Ok fair enough, she probably is trying to get out of the way on the weekends for one reason or another, then.

What about the other stuff? What happens during the arguments?

We don’t really argue in all fairness. We both try to listen to each others sides. Just this specific topic I can’t seem to figure out what to do or what’s right
OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 22/01/2022 19:32

I don’t understand why your partner making her own plans for your contact weekends makes you feel like you are pushing your children out. If she’s out, then you are spending your time with your children. That’s not pushing them out. They are there to see you and spend time with you. It sounds like she’s it preventing that.

Has she asked you to sleep on the floor to stop your children waking her? I don’t understand why you are doing that.

And the noisy thing… it’s not clear whether she’s complained about it or if you’re second guessing her. It’s not reasonable to expect everyone else to be silent so you can sleep til midday. But equally, it’s reasonable not to want screaming and things like that from kids all the time. I have no idea where any of this falls on the noise spectrum, so couldn’t possibly advise anything.

Flocon · 22/01/2022 19:33

Could you just see each other when you don't have the kids if she's happier with that?

lunar1 · 22/01/2022 19:34

Why are you sleeping in the landing floor? That's extremely odd.

You are a household with children, they only get two weekends a month with you. It's the nature of living with children that you will get woken up sometimes.

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:35

@BurntToastAgain

I don’t understand why your partner making her own plans for your contact weekends makes you feel like you are pushing your children out. If she’s out, then you are spending your time with your children. That’s not pushing them out. They are there to see you and spend time with you. It sounds like she’s it preventing that.

Has she asked you to sleep on the floor to stop your children waking her? I don’t understand why you are doing that.

And the noisy thing… it’s not clear whether she’s complained about it or if you’re second guessing her. It’s not reasonable to expect everyone else to be silent so you can sleep til midday. But equally, it’s reasonable not to want screaming and things like that from kids all the time. I have no idea where any of this falls on the noise spectrum, so couldn’t possibly advise anything.

I’m all honesty she hasn’t once asked me to sleep on the floor. Most of it is all things I’m doing to try to prevent her from finding any of it stressful
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 19:36

We don’t really argue in all fairness. We both try to listen to each others sides. Just this specific topic I can’t seem to figure out what to do or what’s right

Yes but what does she say when you talk to her about it? What is her side of the story, if you've spoken she must have expressed how she feels?

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 19:36

Why has she been off of work op? Is she unwell or she on maternity leave? There seems to be some missing information here.

Bananarama21 · 22/01/2022 19:39

Christ your youngest was baby and you had a toddler when you got together than moved in that would be a huge red flag for me. I imagine she's likely feels over whelmed and needs a break, she had no responsibilities. I also think she's trying to put some distance in regards to a mother role for two very young dc who tend to need their mother or a woman at that age. I think she's right to set boundaries in place and to come together now and again but these dc are your responsibility soley.

Flocon · 22/01/2022 19:41

I’m all honesty she hasn’t once asked me to sleep on the floor. Most of it is all things I’m doing to try to prevent her from finding any of it stressful well stop it then. Just sleep in your bed.

BurntToastAgain · 22/01/2022 19:41

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

What happens when the kids wake her up?
This is an important question.

And what times/how often etc?

Presumably this is night wakings. Tbh, while I tolerate my sleep being disturbed by my own toddler, I’d be less keen on being woken repeatedly by someone else’s. I think anyone would.

What is your children’s sleep like? What happens when they wake? And what do you think should be happening when they wake up?

As a parent, I have found myself doing slightly odd things to ensure that a night waking baby doesn’t disturb an third household. I know loads of people who end up sleeping on the floor next to their toddler’s cot. That’s parenting.

But as much as I will try to consider the rest of the household, I would expect an adult in your partner’s position to be doing what she can to make herself hard to disturb. Is she wearing ear plugs so she can sleep through while you get up to settle the kids? Or similar things.

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:41

@aSofaNearYou

We don’t really argue in all fairness. We both try to listen to each others sides. Just this specific topic I can’t seem to figure out what to do or what’s right

Yes but what does she say when you talk to her about it? What is her side of the story, if you've spoken she must have expressed how she feels?

Completely dismisses usually. Even if I say it in a away like is there anything your stressed with the kids. Once I said I feel like all of this is to much for you, she would not understand why I have those thoughts and dismiss any of my thoughts
OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 22/01/2022 19:42

I’m all honesty she hasn’t once asked me to sleep on the floor. Most of it is all things I’m doing to try to prevent her from finding any of it stressful

In which case, why are you borrowing trouble?

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:42

@DoubleGauze

Why has she been off of work op? Is she unwell or she on maternity leave? There seems to be some missing information here.
She’s just waiting for her job to start after finishing uni
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/01/2022 19:43

Those are quite leading questions though. Have you tried just asking her honestly how she feels about the kids and being in their lives?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/01/2022 19:44

Just I don’t know where the line is when it comes to me putting my children first by like keeping the noise down so she can sleep without being woken. Sometimes when the kids are over I sleep on the floor in the hallway so that if the kids woke up at night it’s not going to affect my partner or stress her out. I just don’t know what to do that’s all
I wouldn't be keeping DC quite so DP can sleep in till midday, especially if I only saw them 4 days a month. They should be able to relax and play in their Dad's house. Why do you feel you need to sleep in the hallway? That behaviour doesn't exist in isolation from your relationship. What has happened to make you think you need to make the environment stress free for her? It might not be something she's said or the way she's reacted to the DC noise, it might be an expectation from your own childhood or something to do with previous relationships, whatever the cause it's not a healthy environment for your DC.

Bananarama21 · 22/01/2022 19:45

You mentioned uni so she's early 20s I'm guessing your alot older? Tbh I think you need to start focusing on quality time with the kids they are your sole responsibility not your gfs.

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:46

@aSofaNearYou

Those are quite leading questions though. Have you tried just asking her honestly how she feels about the kids and being in their lives?
Of course I have. She always would say how much she looks forward to seeing or having them. And wouldn’t give me any doubts verbally, just her actions are completely different from her words
OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 22/01/2022 19:47

@DoubleGauze

Why has she been off of work op? Is she unwell or she on maternity leave? There seems to be some missing information here.
Yes. This is also important.

I think (as usual on step parenting) some people are keen to find ways to see the woman as at fault.

But it sounds like this is a woman who isn’t complaining about the children. She’s just getting on with her own life during contact time and leaving her partner plenty of space and time to spend with his children.

If you are being honest, @Callumbeattie, are you imagining that ‘family life’ should look like a nuclear family? That is pretty unrealistic. Someone who is nice to the children, doesn’t interfere with your time with them, and isn’t complaining at all sounds like she’s being pretty considerate really.

Original poster
Callumbeattie · 22/01/2022 19:47

@Bananarama21

You mentioned uni so she's early 20s I'm guessing your alot older? Tbh I think you need to start focusing on quality time with the kids they are your sole responsibility not your gfs.
Both mid 20s
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 22/01/2022 19:49

I think she's putting in very clear boundaries in place. I wouldn't be happy if my dd was caring for 2 and 4 old girls who were her bfs once she just finished uni. I think its great that she's making sure she has time for herself.

DoubleGauze · 22/01/2022 19:49

It looks like you're in completely different places in your lives. She's just out of uni and looking to start what might be her first serious job , and you're a dad of two that wants to build a family unit with your partner.

I'm not sure you're a good mix op.