I need help with my partner

[Callumbeattie]

I keep coming to the conclusion that my girlfriend isn’t fond of my children. I have tried talking to her about this and it ends up in an argument or her completely shutting it down.. I am trying to be as open minded as possible, I know how difficult it can be for a women to try to bond with kids that arnt her own. It would be nice to see as there dad that she was excited to see them or didn’t make plans when the kids was over. I do love her and when the children are not over our relationship is great.. am I expecting to much or looking at this the wrong way?

Maybe she just wants to go out and have fun in her down time. Mid 20s she might not want to be stuck in with the kids. Seems fair enough tbh they are your kids. Have you moved in together?

Well, what does she say about sleeping in hall? It’s all so bizarre.

Ah - she’s only young. Not everyone is ready to be part of a family at that age. 22 year old me wouldn’t have made a good stepmum, whereas 35 year old me did. (I know you’re young too, but you obviously chose the early parent path)..

Can I ask what happened with the ex that the relationship broke down with a baby and toddler? It always seems to be that men struggle with the first 3 years and seem to jump ship leaving the mother with the grunt of the hardwork. You seemed to get into another relationship fairly quickly and seem to want to recreat the family unit which doesn't necessarily happen. I also agree you seem at very different stages.

Sorry see that you've got a house together. After 1.5 years is that a recent thing I'm guessing? It is going to take time to adapt.

Both mid 20s

Still, she’s a young woman with no children (and probably isn’t considering having them for a while).

You have two children. Even if you are a similar age, you have been in a different ‘phase’ of life.

It would probably be worth you getting some counselling to explore why you are interpreting her actions as you are. Or even imagining problems and acting as if they are the reality.

That way you will be able to enjoy the time with your children and maybe even start to view her giving you the space to have time just you and then as a positive thing.

She isn't interested in having a family she wants a carefree fun lifestyle.

You are at completely different phases of life. I don't think your relationship has legs.

She's showing you EOW that she isn't interested.

She's too young for this.

I wouldn't want to spend time with someone else's 2 and 4 year old.

If I'm being honest, she's just finished uni - she's young and isn't in the maternal stage of her life - she's no interest in spending family time with you and your two young children. Maybe as they get older things will change; or when/if you have children. She's not got children so it's very difficult to just want to hang out with them especially as she's young too.
Your expecting too much if you want family meals etc. in my early 20s there's no way I'd want to hang out with young children! Ultimately she is with a man who has children and she should be accepting of them but that doesn't mean taking any kind of family role when they are round. As time passes and your girls get older things may change but I wouldn't push it for a few years. Z

You're both very young and I can understand why she is not comfortable or particularly interested in your children. That being said, you are a father and you are trying to be a good dad. You shouldn't have to be tiptoeing around your gf when your children are there. Maybe she's not mature enough to deal with them? Maybe she's not really compatible with you? No parent wants their partner to ignore or dislike their children and it's not fair on the children.

Can she actually stay elsewhere for the times you have them? Or if she is serious about your relationship, she needs to appreciate they are part of your life and make some effort to be involved. Not necessarily the full time you have them but some of it. Don't sleep on the hall floor though, that's crazy!

Totally agree that it sounds like you’re at completely different stages in life, despite being close in age.

Your children are so tiny and those are magical ages, I’d be wanting as much quality time and security for them as possible. They definitely shouldn’t have to stay quiet at your home in case they wake your GF in the morning. And as long as it’s easy for them to find your bedroom in the night then you should be in your bed, not outside their door. Please prioritise them.

I agree with others who have said that anyone you live with should be on this journey with you. It sounds like your GF is opting out.

She doesn’t see you all as the family unit you want you all to be. You have children, she doesn’t. She’s detached from that side of your life.

She’s not a bad person for feeling this way. You are two different people at two different points in life. She has more freedom than you do.
Enjoy your relationship with her when the kids aren’t there and see where it all goes.

@funinthesun19 I agree. She sees the children as her boyfriend's kids. In many ways that's completely understandable , as it's true , but the op wants more than that.

Op you wanted a university student to be a step parent to a baby. If you have been living together for a year and a half then obviously you must have been together when the baby was born or quite soon after. Was your relationship the reason your marriage failed? I think you are expecting far too much from her.

It sounds as if you want different things and that’s ok.

You are both young, but you have children, you only see them fortnightly and they only have 1 childhood and no choices.

Clearly she is avoiding them - I did the same in a brief SM type relationship in my 20s,

I ended it as those children came as a package with him. I didn’t want the burden but I also couldn’t respect a man who didn’t put his kids first.

I also realised that when I had DC I wanted it to be a first for both of us.

Have a read of some of the other step parent threads OP - it may help you understand how your partner feels.

[quote DoubleGauze]@funinthesun19 I agree. She sees the children as her boyfriend's kids. In many ways that's completely understandable , as it's true , but the op wants more than that.[/quote]
I’m not entirely sure it is reasonable to want more than that.

Absolutely nothing here suggests she is unwelcoming to the children. She’s not making him sleep on the floor or have his children be silent. He’s doing that himself - despite what she’s telling him.

She is simply getting on with life while the children are there and, in doing so, giving her partner plenty of time to spend just with his children. He can have family meals with them - as father and daughters. She’s not preventing this.

That’s ok. She’s accepted the children and that they should be their father’s priority when they’re their. So she’s organised her time to make sure that she’s not in the way. She doesn’t have to be a mother-like figure in their lives.

How long have you lived together? I think the pace of the relationship is way too quick given there are kids involved. 18 months is too soon to be living together Perhaps your girlfriend feels this too and this is why she goes out when the kids are around. They are also at an age where family time means intense parenting by the adults. Very different to older children where you can do activities that everyone can enjoy

So despite you saying that you don’t expect her to parent when you are all together I don’t see that she would have much option.

Also, I’m not sure anyone should live a half life eg it’s only a relationship as long as the kids aren’t around.

Can you discuss them when they are not around? If not you are literally suppressing a part of your life for a relationship?

What happens if you two decide to have DC? Have a read of some of the step parenting threads around this too.

My step daughters were 2 and 4 when I first moved in with their dad. I did like the kids very much but at the same time I felt like I was constantly being watched / judged all the time and also it was massively over stimulating for me.

The pressure of feeling like i wasn't doing it right, the noise, the guilt over feeling little maternal instincts (I thought as a woman these would magically kick in ) was all just way too much. I would really advise just leaving her to it and they'll get their own flow in time.

I think the main issue here is the communication.

If GF wants to go out to give you time with your DDs when they are over, that is a perfectly valid approach. However, it would be much healthier if she were to tell you that is what she is doing, rather than avoiding the children and avoiding discussing the fact she is avoiding them. That isn't a mature way of behaving in a relationship.

Similar with you keeping it down so she can sleep, and sleeping in the hall, even though she hasn't even asked you to do so. Why would you do that? You don't have to apologise for having your children in your own home behaving like children, especially as you rarely see them.

About the mornings when she gets up late - why do you feel you have to be quiet? It is concerning that you feel you have to limit your activities with your daughters to placate her, to this degree.

Unless you can both have a serious and practical conversation about your role as a parent, and both of your expectations about how contact time will be, this will keep having a negative impact on your time with your kids. You want to be spending your time with them, not thinking 'is my gf annoyed by the noise? Why won't she have dinner with us?'

It sounds like you might have different expectations about what your contact time looks like. But as a parent it is important that you are able to have a proper conversation with your partner about this. Otherwise there will just be more hurt and confusion.

2 & 4 are very young but there's also potential for a great bond long term so try not to overthink.

As a person ( 9 years ago!) with no kids in late 20s my DH I met had 3 kids and I did like them but honestly In the first few years the noise, constant needed DHa attention and general kid behaviour was a lot for me so I did spend time Doug. My own thing when kids were over not all the time and I made sure to invest key time with them on way an activity during the weekend or planning their birthday parties. But I did need space from the chaos it wasn't a slur on his kids and we have gone on to have a lovely relationship 9 years later... it's important for the kids to have with with just dad and no step mum I think so they don't feel in competition for your affection.

I think that the best step parenting relationships are ones that are allowed to develop naturally without expectations. You can't just say she should be excited to see your children, if she's not she's not and there's nothing she can do to change this. Putting pressure on her to act excited when she's not is just going to make her resent you. You can't force a bond.

It's perfectly possible for you all to muddle along well enough together without her acting as a third parent but only if you let it happen.

Do you think maybe she is just letting you have 1 on 1 time with them?
It's a bit strange to move in with someone who has 2 small children and not want to have anything to do with them.
They are young enough for her to develop a lovely relationship with them if she wants to. I don't know what to suggest really but you can't go on like this, I think you just need to ask her why she does it.

Can't relate. My step son came to us 5 years ago and my bond has grown since that I treat him no different to my other two , I don't agree with anyone that does that she would be left at the door for me. Kids come first can't make them feel unwanted they will sense that she is off.

I personally think your approaching this from a we should be a family and do family things and expecting her to step into that role.

When actually quite clearly she's telling you, no thank you I'm going to leave you to parent.

The fact you say her lack of presence makes you feel like your pushing out the kids, means actually your not focusing on the children's needs when you have them but your own ideals of "family" which includes both you and her splitting the parenting.

You need to be focusing your contact time with your children regardless of her plans, if she can come great if not also great. Because it's about the kids and they are not a extension of you.

She's leaving you to parent them and you lying on the floor outside their bedroom sounds like some overdramatise cry for look at me I'm trying to make you happy. Even though she hasn't asked for this at all or even suggested that's a problem.

She has told you that you trying to enforce the "family time" on to her is annoying - I suspect it's probably in the guise of - you hate/dislike my kids and she's telling you rightly no that's not the case.

She's leaving you to parent your kids. That actually makes her a decent human being. Maybe start treating her like one too ?