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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

302 replies

Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:45

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

OP posts:
BurntO · 18/01/2022 14:22

And OP you shouldn’t have to encourage him to do anything. Why are YOU bringing up court? It’s embarrassing for both of you that this is where you are.

Fireflygal · 18/01/2022 14:23

@Nancylove12, the first step is always mediation before court.

Mediation is a few hundred pounds and to apply for a court order is also hundreds of pounds. It's defintely less than a cost of a holiday or even a long weekend away.

How old are you both?

lunar1 · 18/01/2022 14:28

There should be real consequences for abandoning your children. The idea that anyone man or woman can do that and then go in to have more is revolting.

We have better laws in this country to protect criminals than we have to protect children from their parents behaviour.

sunnybunnyy · 18/01/2022 14:29

Honestly it sounds like he's taken the easy way out, thinking he can start a new life and have a happy family.

He regrets having kids with her? Well of course he does but it's done now and they are his children, they can't just be forgotten about. The fact he hasn't went to the ends of the earth to see his children shows that honestly he's not that bothered. Yes she has made it difficult but nothing would stop me seeing my children... ever.

Pinchofnom · 18/01/2022 14:31

I’d be questioning what kind of guy you’re engaged to. To have no feeling whatsoever towards your children is scary.

My advice: don’t have children with this man. If he can disconnect from his own with such callousness he can do the same to yours.

Bunce1 · 18/01/2022 14:35

You said in one of your posts you’ve been through a lot and out the other side…. How old are you?

Relationships take work, but honestly maybe not this much?

excelledyourself · 18/01/2022 15:01

Op, I don't mean this to be rude, but does the topic of his children never come in conversation with company?

Frankly, I'd be so embarrassed to admit I was in a relationship with someone who:

A) chose to move that distance from his tiny kids

B) didn't even TRY and get legal assistance

To think there are now people in Spain who will be able to fight and pay through the courts for access to their pets, but there are parents who have long had the means to do so for their kids, yet actively choose not to!

Greenfields124 · 18/01/2022 15:03

@Starseeking

Thank you *@Greenfields124*. I'm sorry your DC have experienced that, and I can imagine the villain your ex makes you out to be to try and absolve his conscience. I honestly wonder how these men sleep at night, they must be emotionally dead inside.
Yes, definitely, its shameful.
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 15:06

When people ask you if you or your boyfriend have children what do you say? Does he pretend he doesn’t have any? What do your friends and family think about it all? If you have a baby with him will you tell them their siblings exist or not?

ponkydonkey · 18/01/2022 15:12

If you are serious about starting a life with this man... I would go and see his ex and listen to her side of the story.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with a man like this. But if you need to know go and find out.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 18/01/2022 15:28

sometimes I forget he has kids

That has to be one of the saddest things I've ever read. Sounds like he's forgotten too. Shameful.

Greenfields124 · 18/01/2022 15:36

@Nancylove12

I'm not sure I agree with everyone but thankyou to those giving me food for thought. We don't spend his money lavishly but we do need to live. When I met him he was seeing the kids twice a month. Then dwindled when boundaries were put in place. Ex only wanted him to see the kids in her house. When she got a BF she didn't want him around. We fought to have them come to our house and stayed in hotels. But it was a battle of wills every month. Its then become less and less it hasn't been just a cut off. Now ex has moved and my fiance is blocked on everything. Bought his kid a phone to contact and got taken away. When she needs money she goes through his mum to ask and he gives. It's very sad. I will talk again about court as an option so any experiences on how it works would be great.
You will talk again about court as an option? Don't you think that should be him doing that?

He doesn't want them. He has no morals and no care, don't put that on those kids to make yourself feel better about his behaviour. They don't need him hopping in and out again it's cruel.

His intentions aren't there.

You can't make yourself feel better about that by making him try.

It's not fair on the children.

Original poster
Nancylove12 · 18/01/2022 16:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

When people ask you if you or your boyfriend have children what do you say? Does he pretend he doesn’t have any? What do your friends and family think about it all? If you have a baby with him will you tell them their siblings exist or not?
I don't mention we have kids. As I don't have kids.
OP posts:
KurtWilde · 18/01/2022 16:03

I don't mention we have kids. As I don't have kids.

@AnneLovesGilbert asked if you OR your boyfriend have kids. So
I'm assuming by the avoidance here that no, the kids don't get mentioned at all. Christ. Get some morals.

RedWingBoots · 18/01/2022 16:35

OP if one of his kids turned up in 18+ years time to find him how would you feel?

How would you also feel if you had a baby with him, his kids turned up and refused to have a relationship with anyone else but just your child?

I know adults through various different circumstances who have or had (as one party has died) relationships with only their half-siblings and not the parent who wasn't around when they were young.

Greatdomestic · 18/01/2022 16:58

This is a really sad thread.

It's really not down to you OP to investigate how to start mediation/court proceedings, it should be your partner. Information sources are plentiful.

He hasn't done so as he doesn't want to.

But you know this. If you were my daughter I would worry he would do exactly the same to you and any children you may have.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 18/01/2022 17:29

I completely believe the ex is manipulating and causing the situation, however the fact that he won't fight for his kids tells you everything about what kind of man he is !

wanttomarryamillionaire · 18/01/2022 17:31

Also he did nothing wrong moving back to be near his family, no one would say it was wrong if a woman did this after a relationship breakdown. However the refusal to fight for the kids is completely wrong.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/01/2022 17:39

Poor children. Their father has 'emotionally disconnected' and 'moved on' from them. They're not worth the bother to him.

How can you bear to have a relationship with someone like that.

KurtWilde · 18/01/2022 17:48

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Also he did nothing wrong moving back to be near his family, no one would say it was wrong if a woman did this after a relationship breakdown. However the refusal to fight for the kids is completely wrong.
When women have posted on here saying they want to move miles away with their DC after the end of a relationship they're rightly called selfish for taking them so far away from their dad.
JustLyra · 18/01/2022 18:01

@Nancylove12

I've read all comments and of course your not wrong at all. The legal route was discussed but ultimately its very costly we don't have thousands to spend. We don't even have the kids address now.

There are no excuses and sometimes I forget he has kids. As it can feel like a normal relationship. And that's the difficulty. We have been together a while now and it doesn't feel like it's right, there's lots of love and respect there we have been through alot and come out the other side and work well together . I have met the kids and had them had them our house. They know me but lately it's been a cut off from them he has given up. If I was to walk away it wouldn't just be easy. I'd be walking away from a loving relationship that works if that makes sense.

It doesn't have to be expensive. There are ways to minimise the cost. That's just an excuse though - he doesn't want to chase contact with his children.

Often in life you can't tell what someone is going to be like after having a child. My ex certainly surprised me. You know exactly what you are getting - a man who has "moved on" from his children like they were a brief meaningless fling.

Skeumorph · 18/01/2022 18:08

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Also he did nothing wrong moving back to be near his family, no one would say it was wrong if a woman did this after a relationship breakdown. However the refusal to fight for the kids is completely wrong.
A woman moving would usually be taking the kids with her... not moving 200 miles FROM them!!!!

Lol.

rogueone · 18/01/2022 18:11

Men that dont bother with contact are shit bags. Leaves kids with life long issues.( i have lived experience) It sounds like him uprooting 190miles away from his DC didnt go down well when they split. How did he expect contact to continue with a baby and a 3 yr old. Its interesting your DP mum has contact but not the father. Does he even pay maintenance? There is definitely more to this as this doesnt sound like a bitter ex. She has enabled contact with the grandmother.

I had a friend who dated someone like this, they got married but it ended. He could have got legal aid but didnt bother trying to see his DC.It doesnt have to be expensive and the courts suggest mediation first which is not costly. So i dont agree with you and your DP blaming court costs. you enjoy having your man in your wee world and forget he has kids. Be prepared when they appear as teenagers.... he is a shit bag

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2022 18:13

When she needs money she goes through his mum to ask and he gives

This is despicable.

He should be contacting CMS and arranging proper payments. He doesn't need her bank account etc for that.

MilduraS · 18/01/2022 18:18

I'm going to play devils advocate here and suggest he's not entirely wrong for wanting to avoid the legal route. We all know it can costs tens of thousands to take these things through the courts if you want legal representation.

I think you need to have a discussion about him representing himself. Massive cuts to legal aid means it's not unusual for people to represent themselves. As long as he follows and meets deadlines the courts have a very sympathetic view to litigants in person. The types of silly mistakes that can get a solicitor into trouble don't apply to an individual. In my experience judges will go ahead and ask questions to help an individual cover what they need to make their case. A solicitor will know what boxes to tick but your DP wouldn't be expected to.