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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am dithering- do I interfere or not?

93 replies

Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:38

2 youngest dsc last saw their bio mum on Xmas day.
They have asked can they go see her again tonight. We have absolutely no issues with them visiting. Dp sent a message asking will they arrange the taxi to collect the children (they don't have a car) as we had already made plans for this evening. He also mentioned that he wanted them to start paying CS- which she has never done even though she has been instructed to through the courts.
Bio Mums partner replied to him that the children are welcome any time but they had spent loads of money on them at Christmas. That was it. No mention of the taxi. This pees DP off no end. Bloody typical he says.. he's now in a bad mood and the DSC are due home from school in an hour...
I want to send a message purely asking if they have arranged a taxi but I don't want to interfere. It just breaks my heart if the kids come home and still don't know if they are going or not. The youngest actually cancelled his 'playdate' today cos he is so excited to see his mum...
what to do what to do?
I will piss DP off no end if I interfere - but the boys will want me to.. god I frikken hate being stuck in the middle

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 15:50

Sorry if missed
But what’s the timeline
Ie when was it arranged they’d go today? When did you husband ask them to send a taxi
And what is the usual drop pff? Of usually your drop then you pick up taxi tan

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 15:52

How old are the children?

Original poster
Maximum71 · 15/01/2022 17:20

15 and 12
They had arranged with mum to go (like I mentioned we are ok with them seeing her whenever they want) . They Just hadn't arranged the travel logistics (not their responsibility) DP sent a text late morning if mum was arranging a taxi.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 17:27

And what’s the usual arrangement… they get a taxi every time?

Original poster
Maximum71 · 15/01/2022 18:05

@Toanewstart22
Like I mentioned: up til last year I was taking them and picking them up- 2 x one hour round trip every weekend usually. It got a bit much for me. So we asked could mum arrange taxis (they don't have a car. They were giving the kids plenty of spending money so we took a view they could afford a taxi too.) the 15 yr old usually plans the visits as mum never responds to DH's texts. The taxis have been ok really til now. But the kids stopped coming home waving 20 pound notes ..

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 18:17

One hour taxi journey one way

Bloody hell… that’s going to be a lot of money

What about suggesting they pay for taxi to local train station.

Both those ages will get half price train tickets

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 18:18

How long were you doing the driving for?

If they don’t drive, presumably this has been going on for years?

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 18:19

Unless there one or both moves further apart?

Toanewstart22 · 15/01/2022 18:20

Past tense
I meant unless there’s been a house move further apart at some point?

LiG123 · 15/01/2022 22:28

[quote Maximum71]**@lunar1* @BitcherOfBlakiven*
I'm so sorry. I feel for you guys. I came from a very 'standard' home. My home and dad are still married and love each other to bits. So this is basically the first time I am experiencing this.
Mum keeps saying she will go to the courts- and she says plenty of other things too- but nothing happens. She does come through on certain things she says to the kids so that kind of softens the blow a little.
The kids know they can visit mum when they want- but we insist they go together. That's our only 'rule' and if mum has to go to work- they have to come home. We don't want them staying with the partner (like I mentioned previously: long story )
It will all work out in the end. It always does. Mum did send a text yesterday- she was at work I think and didn't have her phone with her - so that's why her partner responded- but he isn't always completely with 'it' - hence nothing being arranged and the boys not wanting to go because they didn't know where mum was. They will go next week - we will be better organized next time..

Thanks for all the supportive responses - I didn't expect that. It's been much appreciated xx they are absolutely lovely kids and we are definitely getting there in terms of 'normality' here! They now bring friends home for tea and sleep overs. My fave: they shout 'love ya' to me when they leave - even when their mates are around. They even confide in me.. so I feel like im definitely doing ok - even tho I'll never be their real mum - it's nice to have a stepmum who has your back too. X
[/quote]
Lovely to hear you're l sorted

You're doing an a amazing job

Original poster
Maximum71 · 15/01/2022 22:36

@Toanewstart22
30 mins there to bring them. 30 mins back on my own. Repeat the following day but vice versa.
Mum moved out of the area at the beginning of all the stuff..

OP posts:
blyn · 15/01/2022 22:42

@candlelightsatdawn

Oh lord I'm going to say right now - bio mum isn't a term that's good here, people will fry you for using it.

You can send a text if you like, doesn't hurt to ask but if this was me and SC are going to be really upset on this occasion I would probably pay for taxi myself. My reason is
It sounds like this is a situation outside the norm as and I may have interpreted this wrong but you have full contact and mum only have access and that's done by the courts ?

I wondered the same but surely the children can ring their mother themselves without you getting involved. I presume you and your husband are not near enough to drop them off on your way out and pick them up on the way back.
candlelightsatdawn · 16/01/2022 04:42

@blyn I think based on OPs comments - mums been pretty unreliable in the past. She's been dropping them off both ways for a long while now which isn't fair tbh, I think a text was sent but no reply until much later on 😞 so I don't think the boys went (think mum confirmed she was at work ?)

Idk all I know is this lovely SM is trying Uber hard but mum isn't able to meet the needs of her kids (for whatever reason) and it's heartbreaking.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 16/01/2022 09:27

@Ozanj
Nowadays we allow the kids to arrange their own visits when they want to see mum, as mum doesn't respond to us usually - (and especially so if cs is mentioned - ConfusedWinkwe have found out to our cost). The kids are very capable of this. We just 'help' out with logistics and support in general. The kids are very independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maximum71 · 16/01/2022 09:33

[quote Maximum71]@girlmom21
Both kids phones haven't been working properly. They have been saving up and they got money from us and mum for Xmas to buy a 2nd hand phone. Before that they had regular contact with mum. They could use my phone and dads phone whenever they wanted to call / text her. Youngest sometimes can't be bothered to talk to her. Older one is a very dutiful child and is a good son. X [/quote]
@blyn
The kids had phone issues (that are now almost sorted)

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 16/01/2022 10:53

[quote Maximum71]@Ozanj
Nowadays we allow the kids to arrange their own visits when they want to see mum, as mum doesn't respond to us usually - (and especially so if cs is mentioned - ConfusedWinkwe have found out to our cost). The kids are very capable of this. We just 'help' out with logistics and support in general. The kids are very independent. [/quote]
Due to the children's ages this is exactly the right thing to do.

It isn't your or their father's job to hide the fact she is unreliable. Children that age aren't stupid they learn who their parents are.

The only job you both have is to helps them get to contact if it is confirmed.

For all your sakes, as PPs have suggested, give her 48 hours to confirm contact and then if she doesn't reply just tell the children it isn't happening.

LolaJune · 16/01/2022 12:57

@cansu

Poor kids. They want to visit their mum and their dads response is to send an email making the point that they will need to taxi the kids knowing full well that it will mean the kids don't go. If he really wanted the kids to have the time they wanted with their mum, he wouldn't use it as an opportunity to make a point about maintenance and he would be thinking about at least dropping them off for their visit.
How is it possible to still frame Dad as the bad guy here?

If the mother were a father she'd be called all sorts sperm donor etc etc... Maybe you could refer to her as the egg donor rather than bio mum OP?

She sounds useless. He should go through CMS.

RedWingBoots · 16/01/2022 13:43

@LolaJune some people - and this includes professionals - still can't fathom that a mother can be the shit parent out of the two biological parents a child has.

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