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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am dithering- do I interfere or not?

93 replies

Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:38

2 youngest dsc last saw their bio mum on Xmas day.
They have asked can they go see her again tonight. We have absolutely no issues with them visiting. Dp sent a message asking will they arrange the taxi to collect the children (they don't have a car) as we had already made plans for this evening. He also mentioned that he wanted them to start paying CS- which she has never done even though she has been instructed to through the courts.
Bio Mums partner replied to him that the children are welcome any time but they had spent loads of money on them at Christmas. That was it. No mention of the taxi. This pees DP off no end. Bloody typical he says.. he's now in a bad mood and the DSC are due home from school in an hour...
I want to send a message purely asking if they have arranged a taxi but I don't want to interfere. It just breaks my heart if the kids come home and still don't know if they are going or not. The youngest actually cancelled his 'playdate' today cos he is so excited to see his mum...
what to do what to do?
I will piss DP off no end if I interfere - but the boys will want me to.. god I frikken hate being stuck in the middle

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 16:32

I wish the child support agency would do something about parents who don't pay for their own children.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:34

I just overheard the kids talking to each other- "doesn't look like we are going to mums does it... "

OP posts:
mugoftea456 · 14/01/2022 16:35

@Maximum71

I just overheard the kids talking to each other- "doesn't look like we are going to mums does it... "
That's really sad. Can you offer to pay for the taxi? I know it's not right, and you shouldn't have to - but seems like the kids really want to go.
girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 16:36

How old are the kids?
Are they able to come to the appointment if she's not there when you try and drop them off?
Poor kids.

Go official for maintenance. Presents don't pay for new school shoes.

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 16:37

Disagree with paying for taxi. You've offered to drop them off on route but if she isn't replying I think you've got your answer

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:39

@PinkSyCo
Mums partner has kids he does not see. They do spend money on the kids when they are there. I think I've seen the term 'Disney parenting' on Mumsnet - which seems quite an accurate description. They have never paid anything in support.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 14/01/2022 16:44

If you can drop them off on your way, would that not have been the generous thing to offer. I get that it's probably annoying that they don't have a car but now the children are caught up in the game over money. Not your fault at all OP but I would have offered a lift in the first place rather than asking for four years of unpaid money and a taxi. Rightly or wrongly, that has pissed them off.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:47

@PinkSyCo
Lot of history here - mum should officially arrange visits through the court (but she hasn't made any action to do so yet) also we feel the kids are old enough now to see her for a few hours at a go. It's a fine line we are all walking - what is less damaging for the kids: seeing mum at a Centre where they are all being watched? Or 3 hours at mums house with both kids and We 100% know the boys are in no danger with mum. They are late and early teens now.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 16:47

It sounds as though you drive, OP, as you talk about dropping them off. Why are you talking about a taxi?

candlelightsatdawn · 14/01/2022 16:47

I find this incredibly sad and really heartbreaking for the children.

It's awful that they are trying to make up excuses for the mum in question. Doesn't sound like the first time they have been let down by them.

Can you arrange something nice for them to take their mind off it ? Movie night in with popcorn, snacks and films.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:50

@SummerHouse
I have been driving them there and back for years now. I work full time - we are building a house. Recently they have agreed to do taxis for the kids- that has freed up 2 (very precious) hours of my weekend - call me selfish. I did offer when mum didn't come through.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 16:50

If one is late teens does she respond to them contacting her? Or is she just not interested generally?

@candlelightsatdawn's suggestion is good. Give them the money being saved on a taxi to order a takeaway if you can afford to?

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:52

@HollowTalk - like I mentioned - we already had an appointment - so we would be late as mum lives on completely the opposite side of town. I did offer but mum didn't respond after all. So the kids don't want to go.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 14/01/2022 16:54

Why hasn't your DP gone through the CMS to get them financial support?

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:55

@girlmom21
Both kids phones haven't been working properly. They have been saving up and they got money from us and mum for Xmas to buy a 2nd hand phone. Before that they had regular contact with mum. They could use my phone and dads phone whenever they wanted to call / text her. Youngest sometimes can't be bothered to talk to her. Older one is a very dutiful child and is a good son. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:57

@PearPickingPorky
We didn't want to. We asked her for the money but never went down the official route. She would have probably made us look bad for 'hounding' her. The oldest never wants her to get stressed. We managed before - it's only this past year we have been struggling.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/01/2022 17:06

There is no point in your dh complaining about the lack of money from their mum if he does nothingness enforce it. It will take one large pile of strain out of the situation if maintenance is established through the cms and they arenleft the chase it. It won't be backdated but at least then you will ha e some spare.money available to give the kids for taxis etc on such occasions. Save it for uni funds if you don't want to use it for anything else but it would certainly be less stressful that the repeatedly asking which everyone knows is pointless!

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 14/01/2022 17:07

We're they allowed to bring their Christmas stuff home? That is very telling ime..

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 17:08

@Maximum71 you're fab. Sounds like you're all they need. Xx

HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 17:09

I think your husband should definitely chase her through CS and shouldn't mention anything like that in front of the children. If she wants to complain about it to the children, then they just have to be told that both mums and dads have to pay child support if they don't live with the child.

You're obviously a good step-mum to the children. What a catch she's got with her new partner, eh?

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/01/2022 17:13

How much would the taxi be?

Is your DP refusing to pay because he genuinely can't afford it or it's the principle of the thing?

Does no-one in the family have a car?

How far is the drive?

Would it really put your DP out to take them over, or again, is it the principle of the thing?

Seems like the kids lose out due to adults' decisions regardless who is right or wrong.

cansu · 14/01/2022 17:13

Poor kids. They want to visit their mum and their dads response is to send an email making the point that they will need to taxi the kids knowing full well that it will mean the kids don't go. If he really wanted the kids to have the time they wanted with their mum, he wouldn't use it as an opportunity to make a point about maintenance and he would be thinking about at least dropping them off for their visit.

Chloemol · 14/01/2022 17:16

@HollowTalk

It sounds as though you drive, OP, as you talk about dropping them off. Why are you talking about a taxi?
Read the first post
Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 17:23

@HollowTalk
Yeah she got 'lucky' there ConfusedConfused
Tbh they really like him. And he does seem very genuinely fond of the kids.. albeit a bit too much for my liking (nothing sexual or dangerous) just something he's done which I find to be an extremely weird thing to do- but I don't dare to mention here in case he is recognized.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 17:24

@THisbackwithavengeance DP genuinely didn't have time - this is why I've been doing the driving of the kids in the past.

OP posts: