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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am dithering- do I interfere or not?

93 replies

Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:38

2 youngest dsc last saw their bio mum on Xmas day.
They have asked can they go see her again tonight. We have absolutely no issues with them visiting. Dp sent a message asking will they arrange the taxi to collect the children (they don't have a car) as we had already made plans for this evening. He also mentioned that he wanted them to start paying CS- which she has never done even though she has been instructed to through the courts.
Bio Mums partner replied to him that the children are welcome any time but they had spent loads of money on them at Christmas. That was it. No mention of the taxi. This pees DP off no end. Bloody typical he says.. he's now in a bad mood and the DSC are due home from school in an hour...
I want to send a message purely asking if they have arranged a taxi but I don't want to interfere. It just breaks my heart if the kids come home and still don't know if they are going or not. The youngest actually cancelled his 'playdate' today cos he is so excited to see his mum...
what to do what to do?
I will piss DP off no end if I interfere - but the boys will want me to.. god I frikken hate being stuck in the middle

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 14/01/2022 14:43

Oh lord I'm going to say right now - bio mum isn't a term that's good here, people will fry you for using it.

You can send a text if you like, doesn't hurt to ask but if this was me and SC are going to be really upset on this occasion I would probably pay for taxi myself. My reason is
It sounds like this is a situation outside the norm as and I may have interpreted this wrong but you have full contact and mum only have access and that's done by the courts ?

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:46

Thanks for the tip - not really sure what to call her tbh. What do you think is the best term?
Yeah maybe paying for the taxi is a good idea. Just grates me as we are struggling financially at the moment.

OP posts:
Feelingsad9 · 14/01/2022 14:47

Yes. It's not bio mum. It's just mum. She's their mum.

MissMaple82 · 14/01/2022 14:48

Whats wrong with saying bio mum?

I think I'd send a text, something your husband should have done

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2022 14:48

Mum is fine. She sounds shit but she’ll always be their mum unless someone else adopts them.

Leave decisions and contact to DP. You’re not stuck in the middle. The children have two parents who need to arrange things between them.

ReadySteadyTwins · 14/01/2022 14:49

I've got a few suggestions of what you can call her, based on the information in your post.

gindreams · 14/01/2022 14:50

@Feelingsad9

Helpful

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:50

@ReadySteadyTwins hahahahaha if you mean what I think - thank you - or otherwise please give me tips Grin

OP posts:
Puppalicious · 14/01/2022 14:52

I would go through the CSA for the maintenance, it doesn’t sound like she’s going to do it voluntarily.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:52

@MissMaple82 he did send a text - but they didn't mention the taxi - just how much they'd already spent on the boys because DP mentioned child support was now 4 years overdue ...

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 14/01/2022 14:53

She sounds shit and not like a person who cares that much.
But.. The kids want to see her, as sad as it is. I think your DP needs to be a bit more forceful.. "what time can we expect the cab"... "please ensure the cab is paid for"...if it ends up he pays for the cab, I would post her the receipt. You have to remember the kids are expressing an interest in seeing her and as shit as she sounds it's also down to the resident parent to facilitate.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:59

@Pebbledashery
Brilliant - yes I've just asked her via text when can the children expect the taxi to arrive this evening. I bloody hope they reply.
The dsc will be in from school soon and it will be the first question they ask..

And yes they love their mum and she must love them too. Me and the eldest dsc sometimes talk about stuff.. and I asked if they were angry at all about what had happened and they just quietly stated their disappointment in mum. I could have cried.

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/01/2022 15:18

It was daft of your DP to mention the CSA in the same message, to be honest.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 15:19

@saraclara I think he is so sick of his messages about CS being ignored that he did it deliberately. But not smart- I agree

OP posts:
BooksAndGin · 14/01/2022 15:20

Sorry to be blunt but from that reply they sent. There's no taxi coming.

Poor kids. Sad he needs to go through CSA.

candlelightsatdawn · 14/01/2022 15:51

@Maximum71 bio mum usually is used in circumstances relating to adoption or someone who's had their parental rights severed. However I know in the USA this isn't the case and the negative connotation don't exist as harshly as they do over in UK. Hen why I asked if there was court issues at play as there's no need to beat you with a stick over using bio mum term. Mum is just fine. People will give you a grilling over it but just ignore that.

I suspect you and the children know that probably contact will fizzle out unless you bend over backwards to get the children there so I supposed real question is, will you and DH be willing to financially foot the bill for the children if mums not going to put any effort into seeing these kids ? Not just financially but the effort price tag of ferrying them there and back because it's seeming unlike they are going to do much to help.

This is why I say that apathy rather than hate is the opposite of love. Mum or dad - I would look really poorly on anyone not caring about their own children.

Im so sorry xx

mrsbitaly · 14/01/2022 15:52

I don't get the problem with saying bio mum but that's another thread. Is the taxi expensive? Is it something you can cover on this occasion so the kids don't feel upset?

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 16:00

It's lovely the children wish to see her but you need to be honest with them.

We've text mum and said to send a taxi. If a taxi doesn't come, yes they will be disappointed BUT life is for learning and as horrible as it is..... they need to see it?

I'm all for protecting them but she sounds like a complete already just reading this. She's got the money she just knows you'll fork out same with CSA.

Not sure the issue with Bio Mum either if you have more to do with them. Doesn't need to be blood to make someone a mummy 💗

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:01

Number mums partner hasn't replied yet - and it was indeed the very first question the kids asked. When I said - maybe we can drop you off on our way to our appointment, both kids were very hesitant to commit saying mum is probably at work and that's why she hasn't answered. So we have left it at that. Maybe she is at work.. I don't know her schedule.
They are ok now. Being nice to each other. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 16:03

Typo: number: neither mum nor mums partner has replied.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 14/01/2022 16:12

Don’t get why PPs are getting so worked up over the ‘bio mum’ thing, doesn’t sound like she does much to deserve the title. Poor boys trying to make excuses for her, that’s so sad Sad

Dobbyhasnomaster · 14/01/2022 16:15

I have no advice but wanted to say that you seem really nice and obviously care about the kids!

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2022 16:23

Why isn’t there regular access set up for these kids? Does their mum’s partner have kids? Do you think he might be part of the problem-withholding money maybe?

mugoftea456 · 14/01/2022 16:29

I can think I of many ways do describe this woman. Mum isn't one of them. How old are the kids ? Are they aware of being let down etc?

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2022 16:32

How shit for the kids

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