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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am dithering- do I interfere or not?

93 replies

Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:38

2 youngest dsc last saw their bio mum on Xmas day.
They have asked can they go see her again tonight. We have absolutely no issues with them visiting. Dp sent a message asking will they arrange the taxi to collect the children (they don't have a car) as we had already made plans for this evening. He also mentioned that he wanted them to start paying CS- which she has never done even though she has been instructed to through the courts.
Bio Mums partner replied to him that the children are welcome any time but they had spent loads of money on them at Christmas. That was it. No mention of the taxi. This pees DP off no end. Bloody typical he says.. he's now in a bad mood and the DSC are due home from school in an hour...
I want to send a message purely asking if they have arranged a taxi but I don't want to interfere. It just breaks my heart if the kids come home and still don't know if they are going or not. The youngest actually cancelled his 'playdate' today cos he is so excited to see his mum...
what to do what to do?
I will piss DP off no end if I interfere - but the boys will want me to.. god I frikken hate being stuck in the middle

OP posts:
Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 17:26

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies yes some of it came home. She definitely isn't evil in any way shape or form (intentionally) to the kids

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 14/01/2022 18:31

It's seems really sad, no matter what they seem to love her and want to see her.. I could never take my daughters love for granted like this

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 18:34

What does the court order say?

She needs to stick to that.

You both need to make her stick to it.

A judge has decided whatever the order says, for a reason. And most of that reason is usually to protect DC from any further emotional harm.

Theunamedcat · 14/01/2022 18:38

@BitcherOfBlakiven

What does the court order say?

She needs to stick to that.

You both need to make her stick to it.

A judge has decided whatever the order says, for a reason. And most of that reason is usually to protect DC from any further emotional harm.

Court order says she should arrange access through the courts they have been letting her see them regardless
Lulu1919 · 14/01/2022 18:44

Can't one of you drop them over to their mums ?

MeridianB · 14/01/2022 20:12

You sound lovely, OP. It must be very hard watching this play out.

If their mother was serious about them, their welfare and seeing them, she would do everything possible to do the right thing. It doesn’t sound like she’s even pretending to try from what you say.

If this was a deadbeat dad requesting contact sporadically and failing to pay a penny of child support he’d be rightly vilified.

What a shame for the boys. And she sounds like she is missing out on two great lads.

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 20:13

I do wish people would read the whole thread or previous posts from the OP

Original poster
Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 20:31

@BitcherOfBlakiven
A few years ago when it all kicked off and the kids were a lot younger the court had said 3 hours contact a week in a supervised Centre. The kids are still completely traumatized by this. They have since told me (I wasn't in their lives then) how absolutely awful it was. Dp had also told me how upsetting it was for them. We won't let them experience this again. Extremely hard on mum too. She had made some bad choices in the past - she is definitely on the road to improving her relationship with the kids and I do want them to have a good relationship with her. They deserve that.

OP posts:
mugoftea456 · 14/01/2022 20:59

Op you sound like a wonderful stepmother. Those kids are so lucky To have you

LiG123 · 14/01/2022 21:02

@mugoftea456 👏🏼

RandomMess · 14/01/2022 21:14

Your DH just needs to go through CMS that money could pay for taxis if Mum won't pay for them.

You've gone this far facilitating their relationship for the right reasons going via CMS isn't going to make things worse.

Tattler2 · 14/01/2022 22:51

It is usually better to let the actual parents carry on these discussions and even with the best of intentions , little good comes from interacting yourself in someone else's friction laden issues.

You partner should use the in place legal process to collect child support , and he and not you should be the communicator with the mother.

He may be unhappy with haphazard nature of the arrangements, but it is up to the mom and/or the dad to finalize arrangements.

You mean well, but staying in your lane will leave you less involved and probably less frustrated.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 23:06

Judges don’t order contact centres for the fun of it, there must have been a bloody good reason.

She is a shit Mum who can’t keep to a schedule, doesn’t pay child support and can’t be arsed to pick her own children up.

I’d suggest the DC need help coming to terms with that rather than continually allowing them to be shit on by her.

I’d say the same if it was a father, too,

byebyecarbs · 15/01/2022 05:41

@Maximum71 don't have any advice but just wanted to say you sound absolutely wonderful and those boys are so very lucky to have you as a constant in their lives.

lunar1 · 15/01/2022 08:54

Looking back, one of the worst things about my parents separating was crap like this over seeing a parent. Wondering if they were going to show up or not. It eats away at you and left me in a constant state of anxiety, something which never really goes away.

Your partner needs to firm up plans at least 48 hours in advance for his children, times agreed with their mum and taxis booked. How productive does he think their day at school was wondering if there were seeing their mum or not?

If the mum can't commit to that then it's back to supervised contact because this isn't a healthy system for the children.

Go through official channels to get maintenance, your DH is the resident parent. You sound lovely, but you can't solve this for everyone. Your DH needs to get some structure in place, because their mum certainly isn't going to.

Stepmonstera · 15/01/2022 08:57

Just fuck off with the bio mum shit. The op can call her whatever she wants. By the sounds of it op is the one who is actually raising these kids. If she wants to be mum instead of bio mum she could step up and make an effort to see her children.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 15/01/2022 09:20

@lunar1 - I agree, I was that child, and I can’t describe the impact it’s had on me as an adult. Being in that constant state of hyper vigilance as a child is seriously damaging.

My Dad often wouldn’t turn up because his wife had changed her mind about “allowing” us to visit.

My Dad often wouldn’t turn up because my mother had told him he wasn’t “allowed” - but she’d let us think he’d just decided not to turn up.

The pair of them were weak, useless dipshits who used us as pawns to piss each other off, and didn’t care about the impact of it on us.

SandyY2K · 15/01/2022 09:23

Just chiming in to say you sound like a lovely, caring and kind person. I can see how you feel for the kids and want them to see their mum.

Original poster
Maximum71 · 15/01/2022 10:50

@lunar1 @BitcherOfBlakiven
I'm so sorry. I feel for you guys. I came from a very 'standard' home. My home and dad are still married and love each other to bits. So this is basically the first time I am experiencing this.
Mum keeps saying she will go to the courts- and she says plenty of other things too- but nothing happens. She does come through on certain things she says to the kids so that kind of softens the blow a little.
The kids know they can visit mum when they want- but we insist they go together. That's our only 'rule' and if mum has to go to work- they have to come home. We don't want them staying with the partner (like I mentioned previously: long story )
It will all work out in the end. It always does. Mum did send a text yesterday- she was at work I think and didn't have her phone with her - so that's why her partner responded- but he isn't always completely with 'it' - hence nothing being arranged and the boys not wanting to go because they didn't know where mum was. They will go next week - we will be better organized next time..

Thanks for all the supportive responses - I didn't expect that. It's been much appreciated xx they are absolutely lovely kids and we are definitely getting there in terms of 'normality' here! They now bring friends home for tea and sleep overs. My fave: they shout 'love ya' to me when they leave - even when their mates are around. They even confide in me.. so I feel like im definitely doing ok - even tho I'll never be their real mum - it's nice to have a stepmum who has your back too. X

OP posts:
byebyecarbs · 15/01/2022 11:01

@Maximum71 your reply just made me cry - I'm so happy they have you in their lives to fight their corner and give them a safe harbour.

lunar1 · 15/01/2022 11:26

It's not you that needs to be more organised @Maximum71, you are doing an amazing job.

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 11:50

You're brilliant @Maximum71. I can see why you're their comfort!

MysticPeg1 · 15/01/2022 13:50

You're a lovely step mum xx

Ozanj · 15/01/2022 13:55

I think with such an unreliable parent you need to be honest with the kids and not set them up to be disappointed. What’s done is done but in the future don’t tell them about the prospect of a visit until it’s all been confirmed & always give the kids the option to cancel if they want to. They shouldn’t ever be in a position of needing to cancel their plans for an unreliable parent - so if they have parties etc just tell their Mum that they’re busy and to reschedule.

candlelightsatdawn · 15/01/2022 15:46

@Ozanj

I think with such an unreliable parent you need to be honest with the kids and not set them up to be disappointed. What’s done is done but in the future don’t tell them about the prospect of a visit until it’s all been confirmed & always give the kids the option to cancel if they want to. They shouldn’t ever be in a position of needing to cancel their plans for an unreliable parent - so if they have parties etc just tell their Mum that they’re busy and to reschedule.
Yes I actually think this is quite good idea although I'm not sure if it might throw the kids out when she does show up ?

I'm not sure 🤔 it wouldn't have bothered me as a SC but I didn't experience the trauma these kids have and I'm not sure if contact centres can facilitate this. Can you call ahead and see if mum has shown up ?
People might have lived experience of this to see if it's a option, having been privileged enough never to have had to go near a contact centre.

Op I think your kindness to mum is remarkable. I not gonna lie and say I wouldn't struggle watching the kids get upset over this repeatedly. I suppose it's similar to dads who don't show up and let the kids down, I can see how mums decide at some point enough is enough and stop the cycle completely.