Recovery from dysfunctional step families support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

This thread is for anyone seeking support and wanting to share their WTF moments now they're out of the dysfunctional dynamics of step families where there's the classics of - Disney dadding, dad guilt, over compensating, exes on power trips, not being able to share a bed with your husband, loyalty binds, feeling guilty about your own dc.

Please post any articles you want to share, any insights, any thoughts you've had now you've reclaimed your power and voice in your own home again.

We did not deserve to be in the middle of their dysfunction. We did not deserve to be the scapegoat for their mess of a family. We did not deserve to be painted as a monster for wanting basic boundaries and house rules. We are no longer the unpaid nanny 👊

Also - sassbot/burnt toast

Your situations sound awful all round, esp BT, that relationship was abusive to all the DC and yourself.

@BananaBlue Some are not because there’s abuse/toxicity. Which probably was the case for the first relationship too

I completely and wholeheartedly agree. I do think that the SP’ing is challenging and there will be issues that the partners will need to work through. That is inevitable. The key is whether someone is able to sit, listen and talk to arrive at a compromise. Vs defensive attack.

It’s also super challenging as I do think that for a lot of people some of the more insidious behaviours don’t arrive until the new SP is cohabiting/ married/ with an our baby (all or one of these). So they feel more ‘trapped’ and have a degree of real emotional and possibly financial investment in the new family. Walking away is so much harder as a result.

I count myself as exceptionally fortunate tbh that I did none of the above. All I had on my side was time. And over time his mask slipped. Honestly, to this day I thank whatever guardian angel was watching over me that gave me that awful gut wrench anytime he talked about marriage/ living together/ an our baby. Things that should have excited me gave me just a deep down feeling of dread.

Morning all. Checking in. @SnowWhitesSM hope you’re doing ok. @BurntToastAgain how are you?

How is everyone else?

I had another social few days. Saw a few girlfriends over the past few days and came clean to them about my exp and our relationship.

All were quite shocked, which was interesting. One of them then told me a similar story about another friend of hers who met someone very similar (she however married her version and financially he took a lot). She eventually divorced him and years later she is dating and doing really well financially. So that friend reiterated that I had had a lucky escape in many respects.

Aside from that it’s been a good week. I continue to feel stronger, calmer and happier. I had a low point of having a big cry and just feeling really sad when I thought of what my hopes for us were vs the reality of the things he said and did. For some reason I just remembered in a series of flashbacks, the amount of times he walked away/ out of my home / would just leave me. And when remembered with the context of how much that would hurt me each time, it just stung a little. Especially when I now know that it didn’t impact him one iota and also, that when he was leaving me some of those times - he went straight to another woman he already had lined up.

I was so blind BUT I am not any longer. So sad.

@sassbot For some reason I just remembered in a series of flashbacks, the amount of times he walked away/ out of my home / would just leave me.

I'm genuinely under the impression that these types of men can give you a version of PTSD obviously I'm no psychologist but when you mean someone such as your ex so so damaged fundamentally, I think they change the pathways in the brain and break them. But like how a car gets hot wired.

I'm glad your doing better ! Funny how when you talk to your friends about these things without the vanish suddenly it's not so uncommon.

Thanks @candlelightsatdawn. I was really sad last night and into this morning. The good news is no part of me was even tempted to break the zero contact. I know days/ times like this will come, just have to stick to my path. They will come less and less and it will get easier.

@saabott, you are doing so well but grief is natural and there is no healthy way to bypass it. It does diminsh over time.

@BananaBlue, 100% agree. Have you read FOG by Dana Morningstar. One part resonated.. disordered individuals are not seeking partners but targets. Briefly,
Partners are ready to work towards a shared goal (i.e blended families) whereas Targets are there to be used and exploited. It certainly sums up my experience!

You are doing amazingly @sassbott. It sounds like you are able to feel sad but you are past any danger of thinking that can be solved by anything other than continuing to heal and moving on with you life.

I hope to be where you are in the future. It’s wonderful to have that as something to aspire to. I bet you haven’t been feeling inspirational- but you are a great example of what those of us in these messes can try to achieve.

I’m exhausted this weekend. It’s related to toddler (lack of) sleep rather than anything else though. And being very busy at work, which is helpful in terms of giving me other things to focus on.

@Fireflygal @BurntToastAgain thank you for your supportive words. It’s been a really mixed weekend. I was so social and spent time with people who lifted me. I think maybe being vulnerable and talking about it has stirred up some feelings. Even this morning, right now, I feel sad.

It’s so weird, I still don’t miss him. I guess (as you’ve said) I’m grieving over what I thought we had. I look back with intense sympathy at the woman who poured so much love into him and us. With the faith that we had a happy future together.

Just needs more time.

@burnt I hope that is the case. Continue the healing and keep moving forward. I don’t feel very aspirational. 😂😂😂. A part of me is genuinely stunned that 3+ months on, this is how I feel.
Sorry you’re tired, the toddler non sleeping years are tough. How’s the ex being with you? It must be so much harder because of the joint DC you have.

Hi all

Sorry I've been on a SM/phone break. Hope everyone is doing ok.

I've started a self love journal, I'm on day 10 now. It's really helped me to be kind to myself and believe that I wasn't the monster.

I've been mediating every morning and night. Again I've been able to be objective and see his projections.

I've also been doing a lot of research on trauma for part of my coursework. I've been listening to a lot of Van der Kolk on YouTube. He is the person who wrote the body keeps the score (free PDF download for first ed). What he says resonates with our step parenting struggles so much. Complex trauma is when something horrible is happening and you can't get away. So 'basic' trauma like the world trade centre is quite simple to process and get over. Step parenting is traumatic when we're in these situations and feel like we can't get out and can't talk about it. I truely believe I've suffered trauma from being with xh. The experience of being helpless and having things happen to me and not be able to escape has been awful. I always said xh wasn't a narcissist and he was just damaged, but actually he's a selfish asshole and will always be a selfish asshole.

If your head is clogged up and you're stuck, this is a lovely way of de-stressing a bit, to help things become clearer - a clicking meditation:

www.jigsawplanet.com/

A really lovely set of pictures to take you far, far away!

Thanks @SpaceshiptoMars I did a few of those last night - addictive!
Took a break from sm as like @sassbott I've been feeling 'it' lately. I think this is probably a result of a few burgeoning dates/relationships going nowhere due to lack of chemistry over the last while. It just feels very unfair that the one man I did have chemistry with had all these 'first family' issues that he couldn't/refused to sort.
Thing is I don't mind being alone & should probably stay that way a while longer as being back 'out there' is just bringing up a load of stuff for me.
I'm also feeling quite triggered by exh (something which doesn't normally happen) who seems to be blithely sailing through life having a lovely time with dw & their dc, & our dc (who I did all the hard rearing of). He doesn't seem to have suffered any consequences to having imploded our lives while I'm here feeling old, exhausted & lonely.
I'm generally fine but I just get bouts whereby everything I've been through relationship/divorce/'blending'/break up over the last 12 years feels like too much.

@Magda72 I think your feelings are totally human and anyone would feel the same so please be compassionate to yourself for feeling them.

It sounds to me like you've lost a bit of omph, maybe you need a new interest (not a date) something to feel passionate and excited about. Is there anything that you would love to try? Are there any clubs around that you fancy joining? Walking/hiking/wild swimming, or is there something you're interested in learning? Maybe look through the open uni and see if there are any short courses to join.

I'm throwing myself into learning more about trauma and the neuroscience behind it. I find how the brain works fascinating. On my lunchtime walks I've been listening to podcasts and YouTube videos of prominent people in that field give talks and share their research. I know I'm not healed or over my marriage, I know I'm not back to me yet, but I love learning new things and it's making me happy - even though I am still sad about what could have been.

@SnowWhitesSM that break sounds like a plan.
What does a self love journal look like? Is it positive affirmations/ practising gratitude? I journal but it’s more about getting thoughts / feelings out.

Re the trauma, it’s interesting and I’ll look him up. I’ve listened to Caroline strawson podcasts on Spotify. She talks a lot about trauma and how these situations can both cause trauma that leaves people with ptsd/ trigger unresolved traumas from the past. It’s interesting. I stopped listening about halfway through however as I just thought, how much more work do I have to keep doing on myself? I’m exhausted by it all.

How’s the ex being? Is he respecting your boundaries?

@SpaceshiptoMars thanks for sharing I actually ended up doing some last night! Very cathartic.

@Magda72 coming back to my counsellors words, all I guess we can try and do is continue to try and be intensely kind to ourselves. And we really have to be. You’ve been through a lot, of course it will all come to a point of ‘why me??’. I don’t know. I try and allow myself a pity party every once in a while and then remind myself how much the past decade has helped me grow as a person. It helps me to think like that.

Re your exh. Please tell me if I’m wrong but I recollect you saying that he is a narcissist. If that is the case, then I will tell you this much with absolute certainty. He is incapable of being happy and he will be making his current wives life utter misery. So whatever ‘gloss’ you are seeing on the surface is just that. He won’t have changed for her.

Re your kids? You’ve done a wonderful job as a parent to not put your children under conflict between you and their father (which would have been easy given his actions). It’s not easy I know, but you’ve done the right thing and can be proud.

I hear you though. I feel alone. Exhausted. Cannot fathom how or when I will meet someone. Feel resentful when I look at my ex and think ‘this isn’t what I signed up for.’ I didn’t sign up for moving my kids between homes and taking on my financial burden alone. Like you I’ve tried a few dates here and there but there’s been zero chemistry with any of them and I’m just not in the right headspace. Sometimes I feel like screaming a big ‘f u’ to the universe.

Then? Then I recognise how fortunate I am. And I am. I’m heartbroken that I met someone whom I loved so much (and I really did). And that it didn’t work out. But I have my home, my kids, my financial independence, my career and most importantly I have freedom and choice.

I’m pretty sure you have a lot of the above too don’t you?

I’d also cut yourself some slack that this is always a rubbish time of year. Jan/ feb are always a bit of damp squibs. The media is a constant pit of doom. It’s cold and grey.

What normally lifts you? What things/ activities/ hobbies help lift your mood?

Heya sass. I'll link it now switchresearch.org/ there's also an IG page. I bought the download as the shipping fees are higher than the cost of the book!

I didn't/don't know how to be kind to myself. I internalise a lot without even realising. This journal is so simple. It's not hard work or something that takes a lot of time. I have a look at the daily intention in the morning and then reflect in my diary when I go to bed. I've uncovered a few unconscious beliefs about myself that I just didn't know I had! And I've had a load of counselling throughout my years! I've not seen it as a chore, I've been really enjoying it in a weird way. I definitely recommend it. I feel more kind towards myself and to others. I also feel calmer.

Basically what van der kolk says about complex trauma is the only way to heal it is to feel your feelings in your body. So yoga, meditation, just being conscious about where the feeling is. He also rates EMDR therapy. He's not a quack job nut, he's been involved in numerous studies from the first prozac trials onwards in treating trauma.

I also love that puzzle site!

Oh wow, there’s actually a journal specifically for it? Looks really cool, thank you for sharing. I’ll defo get it.

Im a huge fan of counselling too and like you I find parts of it fascinating. I think this week I’ve just hit a huge wall of ‘wtaf’ linked to my exp. He’s into full on harassment territory now and my counsellor is very clear about that (he’s made contact unprompted again this week). Im just exhausted by it. Im doing so well in moving on from him, and I honestly just want him to accept we are over and that he too needs to move on.
If he continues to try and make contact I will have to go to the police. I really don’t want to go there.

Yes sassbot, a specific journal to teach you how to be kind to yourself - but without a load of rubbish mumble jumble.

How is he contacting you sass? Can you block him? Have you asked him to leave you alone in writing. I think if I was you I'd email asking to be left alone and explain that you're feeling harassed and will go to the police if he initiates contact again. Then you have clear evidence.

I also get it, what you and magda and others say. It's so shit being alone and at the same time so nice. I'm really happy, but I need a wisdom tooth out. I need to take someone with me to get the tooth taken out under sedation. It's 9 in the morning and I don't want to ask a friend. I want the husband who I thought I had married to take me. I did not want to be on my own, I wanted to be part of a team and grow something. It's shit and I can feel quite sad and angry about this situation. But it's also so so lovely being single and not being a step mum anymore. I read a few threads today and thought - I'm so happy that's not me anymore. It's a shared common trauma being a stepmum.

Its really unfair that we've been put in these shit situations and damaged by these men. I find it hard to accept the word damaged, I want to block it out and pretend I'm fine when I'm not. I've been hurt and damaged and betrayed by the man who vowed to protect and love me. Prick!

We will be OK though. We will be happy, really happy. We will be living our lives and thinking back to this time in a few years with utter disbelief we put ourselves through this rubbish and put up with it for so long.

@Magda72, you are not alone as I can totally relate to your feelings. I've dated but not met anyone that I have felt a connection with. I'm also very happy being single as have a full life BUT I didn't think I would be alone.

@SnowWhitesSM, being single means we have to keep finding our own solutions and that can get tiring- especially in the case of a medical appointment. I hope you find a solution.

Hiya all, how's everyone doing?

I was very down in the dumps but much better now. Break ups are so hard. My next relationship I'm really going to do things differently.

Sassbot have you had any more emails or communication from him?