Recovery from dysfunctional step families support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

This thread is for anyone seeking support and wanting to share their WTF moments now they're out of the dysfunctional dynamics of step families where there's the classics of - Disney dadding, dad guilt, over compensating, exes on power trips, not being able to share a bed with your husband, loyalty binds, feeling guilty about your own dc.

Please post any articles you want to share, any insights, any thoughts you've had now you've reclaimed your power and voice in your own home again.

We did not deserve to be in the middle of their dysfunction. We did not deserve to be the scapegoat for their mess of a family. We did not deserve to be painted as a monster for wanting basic boundaries and house rules. We are no longer the unpaid nanny 👊

Also good morning and welcome to the thread new people

Pinned rules sounds good sass. We'll all have to have a think about what they could be.

I am not as far down the road in terms of recovery from my marriage as sassbot is. I have recently (6 weeks ish I think) kicked my stb ex h out my house. I picked my self respect up from off the floor and chose to not be apart of his dysfunctional parenting in all it's glory. I realised it wasn't me with this issues no matter how he tried to make me believe that it was. I did not deserve to be treated like how I was treated but I am practising forgiveness - to him, to his ex and to myself. My new life - step parenting free await and I am embracing it fully!

There are many blogs, many books, clinical research, podcasts ect that talk about step parenting. I've probably read the majority of it. I twisted myself to make myself fit in my family and begged my ex h to do the same. He didn't listen to one full podcast episode, he hasn't read one book, hasn't googled help with step families ect didn't do fuck all - yet he was the one bringing the issues to our family.

I'm not a monster. I have lovely well brought up teenagers, I have a lovely home, a great bunch of friends around me, I love my professional life and am currently working towards new goals within that. I'm a happy person. Step parenting turned me into something that I'm not. This board helped me so much to recognise the dysfunctional dynamics in the step family rather than continuing to think it was my fault.

@SnowWhitesSM your language is so interesting. ‘I’m not a monster.’ I mean, could you ever have imagined needing to write that anywhere? As a healthy, grounded individual, it’s a given you’re not a monster. But these situations / people really can make us feel that way. That there is something wrong with us for not complying with their wants / needs (that we can latterly see are pure dysfunction). Your terminology of ‘I’m not a monster’ reminds me of one particular low point in my relationship.

A significant contact weekend had been looming for my exp. I was pretty slammed with work so my attentions were (rightfully) absorbed in my job vs wondering what his plans with his kids were for the weekend. As he tried to find put my plans for the weekend, he got increasingly frustrated. I wasn’t being vague on purpose, I didn’t know what I was doing as I hadn’t given it any thought and I was buried with work. Eventually he just stated ‘you’re emotionally sick’ and strode off. Leaving my jaw on the floor wondering what had just happened.

In hindsight I now know that what he wanted was for me to say ‘I’ve left this weekend free as I know it’s an important one and I am fully available for you and your children’. At no point by the way did he at any point say to me ‘listen I’ve got an important weekend coming up, I could really do with your support, will you spend it with me and my kids please?’. Very easy convo in my mind.

Nope. He didn’t ask. I was meant to want to do it. He shouldn’t have to ask. And when I didn’t respond the way he expected, that was the verbal pummelling I got.

I literally went back to my work and thought ‘Wanker’ but it hurt. And the desired effect? To make me feel like a monster and that there was something wrong with me. He was incensed that I was not putting him front an central. His children are an extension of him in his mind, so any perceived slight against them was met with a vicious backlash. In essence it was his narcissism coming out and he very cleverly used his children as a mecanism to try and control the people around him. It was almost ideal for him. Because who can argue that children shouldn’t come first? So he used his children as the ‘reason’ and then those around him were guilted into putting them (essentially him) first. It wasn’t just me he did that with but extended family and friends. Standard rules that applied to everyone else didn’t apply to him and his kids. And it had nothing to do with what his kids needed or wanted, they were the mecanism that allowed him to assert what he wanted and needed. And when I consistently refused to toe that line, I was told I was the problem.

Emotionally sick. Wow. I mean I cannot believe I stayed and how much behaviour i allowed him to get away with under the guise of stress.

Have you got a decent solicitor Toast? I can’t see why you should be disadvantaged because of his other DCs, surely given that it’s a relatively short marriage there would be more weight given to what you both brought to the relationship and your potential future earnings rather than starting with a 50/50 split?

They’d help me out to get another house too. But actually staying here gives my children stability. And that’s important.

Then please be careful what you post, especially if he could have any way of proving that this is you. This is slightly better than SM as it is somewhat anonymised. But I was told to essentially come off social media and be very careful what I posted online as any of it could be used in court proceedings.

Whatever happens, try and get a clean break against him. I’m so sorry this is happening.

@BurntToastAgain

I would delay doing anything re your parents, their money or flat. Even as a loan.
Until the financials are completely finished and signed off.

As far as the law is concerned you and your parents are completely separate entities, and you should behave as such, and pretend that they won't give you any help.
If he asks pretend you've had a falling out with them. Anything. Lie.

Hi @BurntToastAgain. I just thought I would reach out to you as I went through something similar. The best bit of advice I can give you is to let go. Just let go of everything, let go of having sex with him, let go of any dreams of him sorting his shit out, let go of his financial security, let go of keeping open communication, let go of expectations of him being a good father, let go of hoping he will come through for you, let go of him realising he has fucked up, let go of the disappointment, let go of future dreams you had.

At this point of time he is using you. Using you to be the sole career of his son, using you for emotional support, using you for his 'base', using you for sex/physical contact.

If he wanted you back he would be back. He just having his cake and eating it whilst royally taking the piss out of you and your son. Taking the piss out of you both.

It took me a long time to realise this. And once I 'let go' I was able to plan my way forward.

I stopped him from coming in my house, once I put that boundary in place it was a lot easier. I set out like a single mother and did not factor him in to any of my plans, when he asked for contact I made him agree on set days or no days at all. And I stopped all the adhock visitations. I then told him what I expected in child maintenance. I tried not to get too chewed up about my financial situation because that was one of the reasons I held on for so long. It was was it was and I couldn't do anything about it.

In reality there is no reason why he can not have your ds over night at least once a week. You not having anytime away from your ds gives him confidence that you 'haven't moved on' - you are where you need to be - stuck at home with a baby whilst he has the best of both worlds and have lovely long lie ins whilst his 'family' live in a completely separate house. How dare he.

Find injustice in that. He isn't coming back so don't let him take the piss out of you

@sassbott I found myself turning into a monster and I never thought I was a monster before. I remember once shouting - get back to me when you stop treating your kid like the cancer kid. My rage and frustration and hurt boiled over time and time again.

I'd never been put in such a horrible position before and I didn't always act with compassion towards my ex ss. It was impossible. I need to let it go and move on. I was made to be a monster, but what other role was there for me? I am still trying to justify myself, I need to accept it and move on.

@BurntToastAgain I wouldn't even try and negotiate child contact with him right now. Work out what you're happy with and offer him that. It's not like he's an invested dad of the year. Don't let him use contact as a tool to manipulate you further. You hold the cards right now. Let him spend his money taking you to court for contact instead of trying to take more off of you.

I'm glad your parents will 'loan' you the money. What a shit show of a man he is thinking wanting to take your equity.

I just read this on FB and thought it was apt here.

It most definitely is.

@BurntToastAgain I'm not in the UK & I'm astonished that your home where you supplied all the initial down payment would be considered a family home when the sdc basically live with their dm who was given all your h's equity to start with!
That is so bonkers!
God but (a man's) second marriage is a financial shit show for most women.

Yes. The law in England is ridiculous. You can be married for a single year and they’ll insist it’s a ‘family home’ and the NR SC are ‘children of the marriage’ because they had bedrooms.

Genuinely it’s shocking.

It’s not even like he’s the financially weaker partner. He earns 3 times what I do.

In stepfamilies no good deed goes unpunished.

If I’d realised, I’d have made him sign a document (with witnesses) setting out that the equity I provided was not a marital asset and he would not have a claim on it.

@BurntToastAgain when you purchased the house were you not given the option to go tenants in common with unequal shares to protect your equity? I.E 70:30 to you?

I only ask because my solicitor has just gone through this with DH and I, we’re you badly advised and if so can anything be done about that?

Nothing can be done about it. It wouldn’t make any difference apparently. My whatever percentage would still be considered a marital asset to be split to meet the needs taking into account ‘the children of the family’.

I get screwed over whatever way. All because I worked hard, built a career, paid into a mortgage and made good provision for my retirement. Long before I even met my husband.

It’s dreadful. Despite the huge disparity in our earning potential and the fact that having had a baby with him has reduced this and added to my costs, the court will almost certainly consider me the financially stronger party. Because I made better choices in the past than him. And decide that I must give him money to meet the needs of another woman’s children.

The law is ridiculous it seems.

So there’s a cautionary tale to others.

And a further incentive for divorced men to seek out women with assets and careers, hide the dysfunction til it’s too late, and then fleece them in a divorce.

He’ll deny it, but he’s basically a parasite.

@BurntToastAgain

So there’s a cautionary tale to others.

And a further incentive for divorced men to seek out women with assets and careers, hide the dysfunction til it’s too late, and then fleece them in a divorce.

He’ll deny it, but he’s basically a parasite.

At this point I'd be very tempted to reach out to his ex. I am almost certain he was equally as shit to her in likely different ways and I bet you'll find the situation is not how it's been presented at all.

To add to your cautionary tale - avoid men at loggerheads with their ex wives. Whatever they tell you will not be the whole truth and you'll.l likely only come to know that truth when your own fingers are burnt.

@BurntToastAgain there is indeed a cautionary tale. And that is why, time and again on here I am the person posting on threads arguing for women especially to retain financial independence, especially in step family situations.

When I met my exp, I too could have easily ended up in your situation had it not been for two specific things.

1. because I had already been divorced, I understood how the financial aspect of a divorce worked and just how black and white it can be.
2. because I was divorced, I had Lawyers retained who every few years or so would do a check in on wills, POA, life insurance policies etc to make sure everything was up to date.

This meant that when my exp came to me and started talk about cohabitting/ marriage/ ‘pooling financial assets’, I naturally had the ‘I’m not risking my financial security again’ reaction and then had a trusted lawyer I could turn to for advice very easily. The two combined meant I was super clear on the risks to my home / assets even if my exp moved in and essentially my home became the ‘home’ to his children during contact. That was flagged as a risk even cohabiting (forget marriage). A risk that could be easily mitigated by a straightforward co-habiting agreement to protect me.

My exp refused, for years, to even entertain a simple legal conversation around something as simple as a cohabiting agreement? Why? Well, it’s not difficult to answer is it?

My history of divorce saved me from allowing him to move in without legal protection. If I didn’t have that knowledge and trusted lawyers, I very easily would have eventually capitulated to his repeated requests about living together, and let the legal discussion go.

I’d never reach out to her.

I have experience of her. Both directly and through her children.

I’m certain that he’s been a dick to her. But she is truly an awful person who has a weird agenda and who has deliberately caused me harm. And the concrete facts observable from the outside show that to be the case, not just H’s account.

My conclusion is that they are probably about as bad as each other. And they probably deserved each other.

His ex took a huge chunk of equity too. His money that he had earned. But obviously deemed as marital assets to be divided 50/50.

He was quite bitter about that. And I am very clear that, given half the chance, he would have done the same to me. He had been screwed over and he would have had zero compunction about doing it to me. Had that not been his intent, he would have happily gone to the lawyers and drawn up a fair and equitable agreement.