Good morning all.
Firstly thank you @SnowWhitesSM for starting this and great idea!
I think this thread is going to be a mix of recovering exSM’s and those still in the thick of it. Hopefully we can all support one another, without judgement. (Without the normal pile in we see on other threads). I wonder if we should compile a list of thread ‘rules’ for all posters to abide by? A bit like the dating thread in relationships. Worth a thought.
In terms of me and why I’m here? I finally ended an on/ off relationship of 5 years recently. The dysfunction within it (I thought) was around child contact, my exp ability to focus on anything outside his children and the ongoing conflict he had with his EXW. Now don’t get me wrong, the ongoing court dramas/ allegations etc all were very much present and absolutely impacted him, me and our relationship.
However, what I was unable to see at the time (and have only been able to fully acknowledge since ending the relationship for the last time) is that another core dysfunction was also my exp. His core behaviours were deeply unhealthy.
For me, my problem was that the ongoing contact issues / court issues provided a justification/ shield for his behaviour. I have an amicable co-parenting relationship with my exh so the thought of going through what my exp did and witnessing the level of conflict between his EXW/ impact to the children, yielded huge amounts of sympathy from me. I gave leeway and allowed for behaviours I otherwise wouldn’t have done. The situation also allowed me the killer of emotions - hope.
Constant hope that when full contact happened, when the court cases concluded, when the stress levels dropped and some normality was allowed to return, the focus could return to our relationship and the man I met (early on) would return.
The court cases stopped. Stress levels dropped. Normality (of some description) was available, but things didn’t improve. Eventually I had to face the cold/ hard realisation that the person I was in a relationship with was not a very nice person and was in fact deeply unhealthy .That the person I had met simply wasn’t returning (perhaps was never real). And that unless I bent myself into a pretzel trying to give him everything he wanted, he was simply never going to be happy with what I was prepared to offer. (The likelihood is that even if I had given him everything it wouldn’t have been enough).
The last 5 years have been a hard lesson to learn. But for me I think it’s been an important one, because I have learned all lot about people and situations I didn’t know before. Simply put, I was incredibly naive. As tough as it has been, the past 5 years have taught me incredibly important lessons that will now help me/ my children moving forward.
I now know I will never date a man with children younger than mine. I swerved one of those last week, super nice guy who then told me he had a 2 and 3 year old, I declined to go out with him for a drink. I’m just not interested in going backwards at any level.
I know I will not date a man who has a ‘reaction’ to his ex. I recently went on 3 dates with a man who seemed lovely initially, however on the third date and after a bit of wine, he proceeded to do a Darth Vader impression and said it was his exwife and then proceeded to say some more stuff about her/ them.
I have also learned that I will never cohabit with someone, potentially ever. But certainly not until my children are grown and out of our home.
I have learned that I am exceptionally lucky to co-parent with my ex and the process of the last 5 years meant I have been increasingly respectful of him as a co-parent and that has been of huge benefit to our children.
I’ve learned that I’m more than ok on my own and that my family unit is very much complete, just me and my kids. I will date resolutely away from my kids.
I’ve learned to respect myself and my home. And regardless of what may be going on in someone else’s life, to never again allow myself to be used as their emotional punchbag.
I’ve learned that I am very content not to remarry.
Essentially I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up, finally established healthy boundaries and realised just how lucky I am to be in the situation I am.
I sometimes have moments of self pity. I did love my exp deeply. I really believed we could have had a good and happy life. I cannot believe I wasted 5 years of my life trying to make it work and wait for his life to have room for me. I miss the happy naiveity. I miss the hopes and dreams I had of a messy life with him. But then I realise that I was incredibly lucky to escape relatively unscathed. That I was very lucky that somehow I had refused to marry/ co-habit. Refused to merge any form of financials in the form of a joint home. Refused to have an ‘our’ baby.
Whilst the break up is hard, I was lucky to walk away with simply packing a bag of his stuff and asking him to leave. No ties more than that.
I don’t think this experience will ever leave me, it’s changed who I am as a person. It’s been deeply traumatising at times. I never could have imagined the core dysfunction and layers of dysfunction that can exist between exes and their children.
Sad really.