There's nothing we can do about this, is there?

[AndSoFinally]

SDC (8) stays with us one night a week and three nights EOW.

Without fail he is unable to sleep the first night he comes because he has a TV on all night at mums and says he can't sleep without it.

He sleeps fine the second and subsequent nights.

We don't have TV in bedrooms here. When DP asked mum about it and said he was concerned (due to SDCs lack of concentration and behaviour at school, probably not helped by crappy sleep), she suggested we get a TV for him here. I don't think that's wise as although I appreciate a routine is good and he should have the same conditions here and at home, I think she should be getting rid of the TV rather than the other way around!

There's absolutely bugger all we can do it about it, isn't there? It drives me nuts, and I hate the battle every week.🤦🏻

Any suggestions?

You could encourage him to turn the TV off when he is at his mums? Will probably take a while for him to decide to do it, but maybe talking about good sleep routines and keeping bedrooms calm and screen free could help (eventually). If you have younger dc you could get him involved in their bedtime routine to show him?

Other than that, no there is nothing you can do other than stick to your rules at home.

Does dsc have a radio/talking book or such with you?
I’m with you, no tvs in bedroom but my ds10, has a radio all night, I try and compromise where I can.
Is there scope for discussion with dsc for what could help apart from tv?
What else have you tried?
I assume dsc parent makes special effort on first night, special time together, bedtime routine?

I also think it’s ok to have differences in each home, apart from Tv in bedroom I bet there are other differences… try not to get irritated by this one.

He doesn't have anything here. He really doesn't need it. He sleeps fine from the second night, but is utterly convinced he can't sleep without TV. It's like he needs the first night to prove to himself he doesn't need it but he forgets between visits and so has to prove it to himself all over again on the first night every week

We tried Audible but he said it kept him awake!

What about a white noise app or fan?

He likes the TV. There's no way he would voluntarily turn it off at mums unfortunately

Some music/radio in the background instead of TV?

Is it more of a comfort thing, so like having someone in the room with him, rather than him actually watching it? Have you tried other things like night lights etc in case it is more a case of wanting "company"?

Nope you can only enforce the rules at your house , what his mum does is up yo her , of course your dp can discuss it and say he thinks it affects school etc but ultimately at her house its her choices

If alternatives like audio books or music won’t help then yes, sounds like you’re stuck with it.

There's nothing you can do about the fact that his mother lets him watch TV in his room, no. You know there isn't. I sympathise, TVs in children's bedrooms are ruinous for sleep health. If his parents don't have the sort of relationship where they can discuss this and come to a common agreement, then the poor kid is going to have to deal with two sets of rules, and everyone is going to suffer for it.

The only thing you can do is try to mitigate the effects. I'd try audiobooks as a half-way house, would he listen to stories, or podcasts (approved by adults, of course)?

How about a compromise of an audio book.

I’ve enjoyed listening to something when I go to sleep as long as I remember, it’s ranged from tape recorder as a child, tv, radio and hypnosis cd’s. I find it difficult to switch off as my mind has always raced. Some people find it relaxing to drift off with something in the background and it’s obviously what he’s used to.

Personally, as someone who lies in bed feeling anxious at night, the tv is a godsend and has been a total aid over the years.

As an adult who would find it very difficult to go to sleep in the silence, it feels a bit mean to insist on your preferred mode of sleeping, especially as he’s only there three nights in 14. He probably feels quite homesick.

I might try white noise, but I think it will annoy him.

He really does sleep fine without it. It annoys me that mum won't even try it and save us all the bother, but I don't think she'll be convinced by anything showing how poor sleep is if the TVs on all night. He's having a behavioural assessment at school because his concentration and behaviour are rubbish, and I can't help thinking having a TV on all night really isn't helping!

Neither of mine have ever been able to sleep without noise. We don't have tvs upstairs, but the children have always had some sort of music in their rooms.

You can get lots of white noise apps or gadgets, I’d try those before a tv

What does he have on the TV? Can you try a meditation app or similar.

I tried Audible audio books but he said the talking kept him awake. I think it's probably because he would prefer the TV as I can't see why a book would stop you sleeping but a TV wouldn't

I personally don’t agree with tv in bedrooms btw - just think there must be a compromise

does your dp have his own relationship with school?

If so one thing which he could do is to approach the school to ask whether there is a difference in behaviour / concentration after nights at his because he sleeps less well. And if they say yes he could ask for advice. It might then be possible to casually ask whether getting a tv for his room would be a good idea.

But I wouldn’t advise this if he doesn’t already have a good relationship with school....

What does he have on the TV? Can you try a meditation app or similar.

Literally anything! I checked his YouTube history on his iPad (comes with him from mums) and he'd been watching something about crack pipes the night before (he casts it to the TV if there's nothing on). Sometimes he watches a DVD but then he's awake in the early hours getting up to change it when it finishes

I agree with @APerfectSky I think it’s a comfort thing. Routine changes are tough for kids of that age and if he spends more time with mum he will feel secure there. My youngest SS feels more secure and sleeps better here, because it’s the home he lived in all his life. At his mum’s he won’t go to bed, won’t shut the door, won’t stay in bed and gets anxious about every detail.

I think instead of begrudging a tv, and instead of upsetting the child, you should look at how to create a new positive routine with him. Maybe he and Dad read a book, maybe you all sit in the room and have 15 minutes on YouTube, maybe you have a worry monster and talk about what was good today.

I think having that focus, so he knows he gets that time and that signals sleep and it’s never followed by TV might help you find a compromise.

(I don't think he intentionally watches things about crack, btw, I think it just comes on one video after another)

Why are you checking his Youtube history? That doesn't seem right.

His Dad needs to be taking the lead on this.

He works himself up into such a state thinking he won't sleep that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and then he can't because he's so anxious. He falls asleep with lots of encouragement, but if he's wakes up in the night for the loo or anything then he's up and down for the rest of the night, coming in to us saying he can't sleep, and then no one sleeps 🤦🏻

A book you have to engage and follow the story. If you put a tv on the right program, preferably a rerun, it can lull a noisy brain to sleep.

I support the no tv policy, I would try various ambient sound programs, not white noise. Rainforest, ocean, assorted rain patterns. There are also specific talk you to sleep programs. Engage him in exploring some options to find one he thinks might work for him.