There's nothing we can do about this, is there?

[AndSoFinally]

SDC (8) stays with us one night a week and three nights EOW.

Without fail he is unable to sleep the first night he comes because he has a TV on all night at mums and says he can't sleep without it.

He sleeps fine the second and subsequent nights.

We don't have TV in bedrooms here. When DP asked mum about it and said he was concerned (due to SDCs lack of concentration and behaviour at school, probably not helped by crappy sleep), she suggested we get a TV for him here. I don't think that's wise as although I appreciate a routine is good and he should have the same conditions here and at home, I think she should be getting rid of the TV rather than the other way around!

There's absolutely bugger all we can do it about it, isn't there? It drives me nuts, and I hate the battle every week.🤦🏻

Any suggestions?

Genuinely, why do you care if a child who isn't your child needs background noise to fall asleep? Plenty of adults can't self settle. It's not a failing or a character flaw to need background noise and it appears your stepson finds it easiest to settle with a tv on. So what?

I agree. Also that she literally has so much criticism to say of the mum and is practically suggesting she is to blame for his learning difficulties yet absolutely no ability to look at herself and question her own beliefs. I bet the mum is actually really nice and just trying to look after her son and make him feel safe.

Could you compromise a TV in his room that he can watch to settle but to do it he has to go to bed an hour earlier so it doesnt affect the time he goes to sleep. So if he goes to bed at 9 he needs to go up at 8 and turns it off at 9.

You could try an Alexa my 9yr old uses that currently but we will allow a tv next year at 10. He will be allowed one hour before bed as he watches it downstairs anyway. Does he really put it on in the middle of the night at his Mums and watch it.

Also my eldest son is ASD and struggles soooooo badly with sleep. He is 20 now and honestly I would have let him do anything over the years to settle him as the anxiety that comes with not being able to settle at night was horrid for him. He worried so much everyone else in the house was asleep and it was just him awake.

@Stepmonstera

Genuinely, why do you care if a child who isn't your child needs background noise to fall asleep? Plenty of adults can't self settle. It's not a failing or a character flaw to need background noise and it appears your stepson finds it easiest to settle with a tv on. So what?

Because she’s the SM and knows best! 🙄

Both of my children went to sleep with Cd’s playing (back in the day) I can’t sleep without a low light on or a low radio playing. My children are in their 20’s now and don’t need noise to sleep.

I feel sorry for the child tbh with different rules in different houses. The child is 8 for goodness sake! Just because the OP’s children don’t have tv’s in their room doesn’t mean the step child shouldn’t.

Also OP “she” is the child’s mother, I would suggest you get off your high horse and do what is best for your stepchild to settle instead of insisting on implementing your own rules.

I’m a step mum and would never have attempted at making one of one of my step children go to sleep in a different environment to what their used to even if I didn’t agree with it. You think she should “get rid of the tv”? This isn’t your call to make! If a child isn’t sleeping in your home then you do everything in your power to make them feel comfortable is my opinion even although it most likely isn’t a popular one on MN.

@Stepmonstera apologies I quoted you because I agreed with you, the post didn’t read like that though!

Poor boy

Can he watch tv on the ipad on a bedside table instead of you having to buy him a tv? The tv on wont actually be what is stopping him from sleeping it sounds like he has anxiety and issues staying asleep and the tv calms him down , i dont know why you are choosing to stress him out once a fortnight just because you think your way is best. If he is struggling in other areas try to help the one way you can by allowing him to sleep how he feels safe. Get him to go to bed earlier, have a nap after school, long lies at weekend, nice bath after tea, theres plenty of ways to relax and get some rest without enforcing your no tv rule

You could compromise on what it is he watches so its something appropriate and calm and not likely to wind him up?

You sound so judgemental. He clearly has underlying issues as he is 8 and can't read. The first lockdown happened just under 2 years ago when he was 6 so he would have started reading in school by then. You have him 4 nights a fortnight, his mum has him every other night.

My son is 8 and autistic, he struggles to get to sleep. He likes to have a tablet to watch in bed however he stays up too late if he has it so I've taken it away but it is a battle to get him to sleep, he just really struggles to settle. We have it to him out of desperation, like his mum probably did. If he wakes up in the night I have to stay with him until he goes back to sleep. He also will not sit and practise reading in the house, although he can read in both welsh and English but we can't get him to engage at home.

The assessment in school will hopefully help him.

You say he sleeps the other 2 nights at yours but then wakes up in the night and can't get back to sleep, which is it?

Sorry if I sound harsh but until you've been there you can't judge her. If he is autistic or has ADHD he could be masking while he is at your house.

Sorry didn't see you'd asked what to search for, this is the first one that came up for me when I had a look - Mydome Fake TV / TV Simulator - Home Security - Anti-Burglar and Theft Deterrent with LED Light Timer & Sensor

My opinion changes if the mother introduced the tv because of anxiety. We have a non-NT child who had a real ramp up on anxiety around this age and I will admit that one way we dealt with it is allowing a tv in the bedroom. In the beginning we kept the power remote and set the tv on a sleep timer. Eventually she got old enough to manage use herself. We also were able to set it up in a way that limited content. It was a huge help with bedtime anxiety and made a big improvement in how much sleep she got. She actually rarely watches at bedtime anymore, but if she is feeling tense it’s one of the available tools.

@AndSoFinally what is the set up at your house? You mentioned your children, are they there full time/more and so making sc feel like an outsider with his dad? does sc get his own room at your house? Is he an only child at his mums?
I’m not against different home, different rules to an extent.

Our rules are that every dinner time wherever possible, we all have a properly prepared dinner together around the table. I know that my dsc don’t do that at mums (rustlers microwave burger I front of the tv is her special 🤦‍♀️) and just because they eat that there, I wouldn’t change our rules to suit, however, I have been battling to teach them to use a knife and fork for 4 years and have decided it not worth the arguments.

I wouldn’t want my dsc to feel uncomfortable or scared to be here, plus I don’t think my dp would allow that to happen anyway.
I think that you could compromise with a limit on tv. If he sleeps one night mid week then he must be even more tired the next day for school if he doesn’t sleep at yours, making the situation worse.
My compromise would be, you can have a tv for x hours, then in a months time you take an hour off in return for a gift. But explain that the only way he can have a tv on at all is that he promises to not turn it back on before x time otherwise it will need ti be removed and house rules are no tv between x and x. Something like that
He’s 8 and so should understand, I don’t think there’s any underlying issues, just bad behavior through tiredness.
His reading would be another issue but only as his dad is a teacher as plenty of 8 year olds wouldn’t choose to read or read well unless grown up with it. Has dad had much input in his growing up so far? How old was he when his parents split? Could you get a tutor in to help?

@AndSoFinally

Won't entertain the idea of just laying in his bed and trying to sleep.

He just seems to have no ability to self settle

At 8 he's old enough to know not to wake you up. He can just lie there and rest horizontally for a bit or read a book.

Genuinely, why do you care if a child who isn't your child needs background noise to fall asleep? Plenty of adults can't self settle. It's not a failing or a character flaw to need background noise and it appears your stepson finds it easiest to settle with a tv on. So what?

A few reasons. Firstly, it would mean different rules for different children which causes arguments.

Secondly, it's really bad for a developing brain to have a TV on all night. I'm a neuropsychiatrist so this isn't an ill-informed opinion. You mention adults who can't self settle, but I bet the majority of them would give anything to be able to just go to bed and fall asleep unaided. Why use a TV that isn't really needed, and instill that habit so he becomes one of these adults?!

what is the set up at your house? You mentioned your children, are they there full time/more and so making sc feel like an outsider with his dad? does sc get his own room at your house? Is he an only child at his mums?

There are three here including DSC, they share a weekend but have different week nights. He has much older siblings at his mums, I think the next youngest is 17.

He either shares with his older sibling or sleeps in the living room at his mums depending on if his brother has his partner to sleep over.

I think he quite likes it here, I think it's a bit less chaotic, and he gets his own bedroom which he likes

It sounds like he has so many different sleeping arrangements the TV is the only constant. Has he tried a story tape?

You sound so judgemental. He clearly has underlying issues as he is 8 and can't read.

I'm trying not to be judgemental, and I'd not say it to her face, obviously. I don't have any contact with her.

I'm not convinced about the underlying issues. He reads at a year 1 level. He goes to a school in quite a deprived area and the class sizes are huge so they get very little one to one reading. DP reads with him but as you say he's not here every night so it's taking a while to see improvements. He did no reading at all during the whole of lockdown, as mum won't do it (or any school work/homework, even now) and we didn't see him much as I work in a hospital and DP in a school (had to go in for keyworker children) and she was afraid he'd pick up Covid from us so reduced contact.

School aren't convinced he's got an underlying issue, but he's hard work in the classroom and they're desperate, so prepared to do the paperwork just in case there's any chance of it leading to extra funding for him.

I don't really see any red flags for neurodiversity when he's here, although the assessments are obviously multi-environment so what we see could well be unrepresentative of the bigger picture.

Has he tried a story tape?

He doesn't like Audible audio books as he says it keeps him awake

Secondly, it's really bad for a developing brain to have a TV on all night. I'm a neuropsychiatrist so this isn't an ill-informed opinion. You mention adults who can't self settle, but I bet the majority of them would give anything to be able to just go to bed and fall asleep unaided. Why use a TV that isn't really needed, and instill that habit so he becomes one of these adults?!

Actually, no. I love it. I wake up in the night, turn on my iPhone, put on Gavin and Stacey and go back to sleep within minutes, relaxed and calm. Disabilities are only disabilities if you take away the (in your own words) crutches. If he has ADHD this could genuinely be a crutch but because you are judgemental and fixed in your views you won’t accept it.

Every 14 days why don’t you go somewhere else and have the tv and lights on for two nights, you’ll get used to it on the second night. Then you go back to a sleep circumstance of your choosing and then two weeks later it’s back to what I want. Have you any idea how bizzaire that would be.

Also - his mums is chaotic. Why are you saying things like this, you sound so judgemental.

You might love it, but you're an adult so you're brain isn't developing!

Have you never seen studies about the effect of blue light on sleep quality? Seriously, have a google. It's quite well publicised!

Also - his mums is chaotic. Why are you saying things like this, you sound so judgemental.

I said the house was quite chaotic. There's mum (38), oldest daughter (22), oldest daughters daughter (4), son (17), sons partner most nights, and DSC (8) all living in a tiny three bedroom house. It's bound to be chaotic!

My son has a small Alexa thing and plays music on it. There are tons and tons of 'Sleeping' playlists on Spotify so a lot of people like background noise while they sleep. I'm right next door & don't hear it, it's very low. He might be tickled enough by the Alexa to give it a go?

I agree with the pp- what his mum does at her house is not your business. If your DH wants to discuss it with her it's up to him. Id stay out of it.

@AndSoFinally if he get his own bedroom at yours then I would entertain the idea of a tv in the room at specific times to suit, or could he watch programs on an Alexa? I sure mine sometimes watch cartoons on theirs whilst getting ready for bed.

He probably doesn’t get much time to chill out or space at his mums with everything going on. I would like to think he could come to yours for some space.

It must be very hard for an 8 year old to swap between houses at the best of times but with other children at both houses and parents who don’t communicate would only make it harder for a child to process and this is often shown through what we see as unrelated behaviors

Does he remember his dad being with his mum or has it always been like this for him? Do you think you make him feel like he’s part of the family, wanted and loved (really hard to do as a sm, I know)? Or is this his way to make his mark on the family dynamic?
He only wants his tv on as his comforter, I know it’s bad for him but it’s not the end of the world and a compromise can be made

Yes I know about the blue light and I know TV’s are bad in bedrooms. My children don’t have them and I wouldn’t want them to.

BUT - feeling anxious isn’t good for children either. Being in a different home with different rules 3/14
Nights is discombobulating and upsetting. Not being able to read at 8 is upsetting, being at school and feeling like you can’t do what everyone else can is upsetting. The TV is his safe space.

How about this - you get him an iPad or similar, download some stuff you think is ok to Netflix/iPlayer then send him to bed with the WiFi turned off on it. If he wakes up he’s allowed to get up and put the iPad on and watch one of the pre-downloaded things, but it needs to be across the room on a chest of drawers or something. He will likely get up, switch it on and go back to sleep. He’s happy, you will get uninterrupted sleep and you have control about what he’s watching. If he can’t read he won’t be able to find the settings section to put the WiFi on.

The other thing is that if it’s films that he’s already seen before then he might know the story so well he doesn’t need to listen and falls asleep faster. I regularly use the same audio books for this reason, I like knowing what’s going to happen.

This is what I mean, rather than saying it’s my way and I’m right, try being flexible and open to compromise.

You don’t sound like you’ve moved even an inch in his direction.