There's nothing we can do about this, is there?

[AndSoFinally]

SDC (8) stays with us one night a week and three nights EOW.

Without fail he is unable to sleep the first night he comes because he has a TV on all night at mums and says he can't sleep without it.

He sleeps fine the second and subsequent nights.

We don't have TV in bedrooms here. When DP asked mum about it and said he was concerned (due to SDCs lack of concentration and behaviour at school, probably not helped by crappy sleep), she suggested we get a TV for him here. I don't think that's wise as although I appreciate a routine is good and he should have the same conditions here and at home, I think she should be getting rid of the TV rather than the other way around!

There's absolutely bugger all we can do it about it, isn't there? It drives me nuts, and I hate the battle every week.🤦🏻

Any suggestions?

There was a super nanny type programme on years ago where it transpired that a huge part of a child’s bad behaviour was down to sleepless nights because pets were coming in and waking him up. They shut the pets out and gave him a white noise machine and his behaviour improved massively. Sleep is so important, and if he’s struggling at school it surely has to be sorted out.

‘But then wouldn't he need it every night rather than just the first one?’

I don’t know, I’m not there and I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I do know what it’s like to go to my dads house and have someone else way of doing things and feeling really anxious and wanting to go home.

Personally, I really don’t agree with 4 year olds watching YouTube, however, our daughter has a learning disability and so doesn’t understand tv and she finds flicking through YouTube on the iPad a way to relax and frankly, when she’s on it, she’s safe and doesn’t move. As a result, she goes on it so that I can do jobs round the house like sort washing etc. I feel bad every time she does it and I know others would judge me, however, this is the situation and it’s what makes her relaxed, so really, does it matter? I’d say no.

Yes, TV’s not ideal, but you seem like you’ve come on here for advice but are absolutely set in your view that it’s his mum’s bad parenting and that you are right. You’ve decided on a theory ‘he forgets he doesn’t need it’ and are dead set on carrying on ‘your way.’

I’m giving you personal experience -
TV does help me relax - do you think I need to be ‘shown’ I can sleep without it? Why is he any different? You are probably right as everyone managed to sleep 300 years ago, however, this is something available now that can help.

If he's awake in the middle of the night, tell him not to worry about not being able to sleep. Leave a dim torch and a book in his room, and tell him to read if he wakes up.

Win/win. He reads more, he doesn't need a tv in his room, he learns that worrying about not being able to sleep is what keeps you awake, you don't get woken up by him in the night, and chances are he'll be bored by the book in no time and nod off anyway.

Have you ever tried a night with the TV on at your house? It might not be that he can’t sleep the first night because he’s anxious about no TV but might rather just be his body and mind being unsettled by being somewhere different. Whenever I go away and stay somewhere other than my own bed I always find I hardly sleep the first night. The fact that you sat he sleeps really badly the first night also kind of disproves your theory he is anxious he won’t sleep and needs to prove to himself he can as it sounds like he can’t on that first night!

He might sleep just as badly the first night at yours with a TV on and equally if his Mum removed the TV it still might not make a difference to how he sleeps the first night if he is unsettled because he’s somewhere different. He might attribute it to the lack of TV because he’s 8 and so it’s hard for him to decipher why he can’t decipher what’s happening in his mind and body so that’s what he thinks of but I would question whether there might be a different reason he is feeling a bit anxious and unsettled the first night because it doesn’t make sense he’s worried he won’t sleep if then despite the fact he hardly sleeps he’s fine the next night. It’s more likely he anxious about staying at your house and feels unsettled but is then more settled after 24 hours.

Maybe the flickers of the tv?

I think its just routine more than anything and possibly after the first "rough" night he knows nobody will give in either way so he just goes to sleep or possibly just lays there for a while.

I remember being young and having to go to my dads. (Didn't last long!) i never slept properly. Was exhausted by the time i got into my own bed and my own home.

Nothing is as good as your own bed and "homely" smells if that makes sense.

And of-course your own routine!

He can't read at all unassisted so a book is no good. I think that's partly why he's so addicted to the TV, because he just won't sit down and read or learn to do it (whole other thread here!)

As a teacher, if a child of this age said they have unsupervised access to YouTube all night, I would be logging It as a safeguarding concern. Nothing would come of it alone except probably a chat with the parent about the dangers of youtube, but it could be part of a neglect jigsaw if other concerns had been raised.

‘He can't read at all unassisted so a book is no good. I think that's partly why he's so addicted to the TV, because he just won't sit down and read or learn to do it (whole other thread here!)‘

Or maybe he’s got some kind of neurodiversity which makes retaining information and learning more difficult for him. His lack of concentration is down to the fact that he doesn’t understand what he’s being taught and so is (understandably) bored and acts out.

Honestly I'd let him have the TV- it's not his fault he has to live by 2 different rules. Saying that though I would taking steps to wean him off having to have it on. My 9 year old has a TV in his room but he regulates himself well, gets up bright and early for school, puts in 110% effort everyday and is working at the right level.

If I was your step son I would be feeling rather in the middle of his parents.

What about a yoto player? It's basically a smart speaker for kids that plays stories, songs, white noise etc it has a pixel screen and a night light built in. wonder if that would help him settle at night cos he'd have the sound and light but not the constant picture of the tv. If he wakes in the night he could then just put it back on himself and hopefully drift back off again.

Will have a look at that too.

I know I sound like a cow, but I just really hate TVs in bedrooms and at 8 I really hate the idea of a child having a TV on all night. It really can't be good for them?! Especially if they're already struggling at school?

I don't know, I probably just need to unclench a bit over this?

But then I'm left with DSC has a TV and mine don't and all the arguments that would cause.

I don't think there's an easy answer here if mum doesn't want to discuss it

Thank you for all the input

I think you are just being judgey because of your own stance that TVs are bad and do are blaming it on his bad sleep rather than considering that it could be linked to him initially feeling unsettled and anxious each time he arrives to stay at your house. Of course he’s going to blame it on the TV rather than express that he doesn’t feel completely comfortable at your house but it seems likely that it’s more than just the lack of TV keeping him awake.

Instead of wasting time worrying about the TV at his mums house, a situation you can’t do anything about, why not try and explore whether there’s anything more you and your partner can do to help him feel calm, settled and at home when he comes to stay so that he can better relaxed and feel settled on that first night.

What sort of thing would you suggest? Genuinely open to all ideas here!

He seems fine when he gets here. He has a good routine. No anxiety until about half a hour before bedtime when he starts saying he knows he won't be able to sleep without a TV. Settles ok with a story and cuddles, but then wakes around midnight (I think for the loo?) and then is up every hour or two hours coming in to us and saying he can't sleep, and has to be resettled again.

Second night, absolutely no issues, no mention of TV, fine.

Won't entertain the idea of just laying in his bed and trying to sleep.

He just seems to have no ability to self settle

Mum started giving the TV during lockdown because he was coming into her during the night, and now it seems to be a crutch for him

My dsc has a tv in their room here. I won't be letting my own dc have one (big age gap) but dsc is conditioned to fall asleep to the tv because they do so at mums so it's not up to me to tell them otherwise. If anything its for my dp to decide if he wants to push it. Pick your battles. I wouldn't want dsc to get anxious about being able to fall asleep and decide they don't want to come anymore.

If she takes the TV away at her house he does exactly what he does here. She won't push through like we do and get rid (absolutely her choice, I can't dictate as you've said), so we have the same cycle every week

I’d just say if it turns out that your SC is neurodiverse, (which it does sound likely, schools don’t investigate these things unless there is good reason, it’s expensive, and it’s not typical for a child not to be able to read alone by aged 8) you need to accept that in order to be kind you will need to be flexible on your rules, because neurodiverse children do need a different approach.

I have three children, one is allowed to watch YouTube, two aren’t. They are simply told that one has different needs, doesn’t understand TV and that equality doesn’t mean the same. It’s taking a long time, but they are getting the message.

I genuinely think if you were able to move away from your certainty that TV’s in rooms are wrong, this is the root of his difficulties and and it needs to be fixed, you would be able to find a kinder solution. There must be some form
of compromise out there. I don’t think unsupervised YouTube all night is ok but a Disney film on repeat is probably ok.

Genuinely, why do you care if a child who isn't your child needs background noise to fall asleep? Plenty of adults can't self settle. It's not a failing or a character flaw to need background noise and it appears your stepson finds it easiest to settle with a tv on. So what?

My son has an Alexa, and listens to storm sounds - there are millions of others to choose from but he likes that and he is asleep within minutes. It turns off after a set amount of time too, would that be an option?

@Stepmonstera

Genuinely, why do you care if a child who isn't your child needs background noise to fall asleep? Plenty of adults can't self settle. It's not a failing or a character flaw to need background noise and it appears your stepson finds it easiest to settle with a tv on. So what?

Glad it’s not just me that is baffled by this, I can’t believe people are saying to report it to the school 🤦‍♀️

Nothing you can directly do about what mum is doing it she won’t talk or listen about food habits.

That’s what it is, a habit. He doesn’t need it, he’s just used to it.

If he’s having a behavioural assessment dad should speak to school. And raise his concerns about that possibly affecting it. School could raise it as part of the assessment as suggestions to improve things without it seeming like it’s come from dad. Just saying things like tv at night, food he eats etc all need to be looked at. Then she may listen.

She may not but it’s the only thing to actually try, other than that it’s sticking it our and keeping the rules at yours as you want them and letting him adjust every time.