There's nothing we can do about this, is there?

[AndSoFinally]

SDC (8) stays with us one night a week and three nights EOW.

Without fail he is unable to sleep the first night he comes because he has a TV on all night at mums and says he can't sleep without it.

He sleeps fine the second and subsequent nights.

We don't have TV in bedrooms here. When DP asked mum about it and said he was concerned (due to SDCs lack of concentration and behaviour at school, probably not helped by crappy sleep), she suggested we get a TV for him here. I don't think that's wise as although I appreciate a routine is good and he should have the same conditions here and at home, I think she should be getting rid of the TV rather than the other way around!

There's absolutely bugger all we can do it about it, isn't there? It drives me nuts, and I hate the battle every week.🤦🏻

Any suggestions?

I’d forget about whatever is happening at his mums as you can’t change it. But definitely don’t get him a TV in his room. And you should change his phone/iPad settings when he’s at yours so he cannot access adult YouTube. At 8, he really needs protecting.

What’s his bedtime routine? Does DP read to him at bedtime? Could he try that and stay in room with him after until he’s asleep?

Separately, it sounds like he needs some tutoring/additional support or it will be so hard to catch up.

He's not your patient, so your qualifications don't really matter here. He's a child who you have no parental responsibility for. Parents are allowed to make decisions that aren't great for their child. However, is a tv in a bedroom worse than making a child anxious when there's no need to?

This discussion is so absurd. Kids aren't morons. They learn there are different rules at mum's and dad's. They learn that incredibly quickly actually, just like if you're raising a bilingual child they learn which language to speak with which parents. If you give in to everything, they won't learn this.

It's your household, your house, your life. If you and your SO agree no TVs, then hold firm. LOLing at all these armchair psychologists diagnosing your stepson over the internet. Classic Mumsnet.

My suggestion would be that the first night he comes to you, you really up the "nurture" aspects especially from his dad. So calm quiet snuggle time with hot chocolate and dad reading ( maybe longer than the time dad usually reads to him). Then dad lies with him for 15 minutes while he settles. After that time dad goes to do random task still upstairs but will check back on him after 10 mins. Rinse and repeat until he is asleep. At night if he wakes dad settles him back in bed.
I'd basically do the nurture as if he was a much younger child.
It will be a pain at first and time consuming and sleep disturbing, but then you are getting disturbed sleep anyway right now.
He seems to be using the TV for comfort in an environment with his mum that is not very structured. You need to find other supportive ways to meet his needs for nurture and comfort. As he begins to trust this he will feel more relaxed and secure and settle more quickly.